My Husband Looks At Other Women And I’m Told I’m Crazy
Morning friend,
I am in route, driving across the country to Arizona. We started in Pennsylvania (where it was freezing and snowing), drove through West Virginia, Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Missouri, Oklahoma, (where I am right now). Then on to Texas, New Mexico and finally Arizona. We hope to arrive today just in time to celebrate Thanksgiving with our family. Our POD will be delivered on Saturday and then the fun/work begins.
Moving gives you a reason to throw out a whole lot of unnecessary stuff, but I suspect that we will discover a lot more stuff that still needs to be tossed, gifted, or sold once we try to get settled in our new home. Some of the things I didn’t let go of are good things, but I suspect I will discover that many of them are unnecessary for me to keep any longer in this new home. Purging is good. But it takes focused attention and tons of time.
The same can be said of things in our inner life. Inside we let things accumulate – old hurts, resentments, anger that has never been resolved, lies that we haven’t identified or challenged, habits that block our future growth, and character traits that are unbecoming to the person we want to be. We’re caught in today’s busyness and seldom take time to stop and reflect, to sort and sift through what is no longer useful so we can let it go.
In the next few months, I will have more to say on sifting and sorting and letting go. Moving has been a metaphor for me to travel a little lighter, both in my outer life and in my inner life.
Question: My husband and I have a 30 year old, good marriage in most aspects. But one area has needled me from the first days of our marriage. My husband enjoys looking at attractive women. It doesn’t matter where we go…to a restaurant, the airport, church, you name it, if there is a young/pretty lady present, my husbands eyes will repeatedly look at her as long as she is present.
I have expressed my hurt about this but he says he doesn’t do it and I am crazy. I no longer say anything but it still cuts my heart. I ask myself if I’m the crazy one. Do all men do this?
From what I can observe, not many of the single or married man friends in our circles do this. I don’t even want to go socially go out with my husband anymore because it hurts too much. I don’t communicate it to him because he thinks I have a serious mental problem. My husband is attractive and women have always been drawn to him and his personality. I haven’t shared this with anyone because I am embarrassed about my insecurity.
Answer: First, let me answer your questions. You are not crazy and you are not uniquely insecure. All women find it uncomfortable and disrespectful to see their husband admiring or staring at a beautiful woman, especially after she has told him that it bothers her when he does it. And yes, most men do notice beautiful women. Probably most women notice beautiful women and men also. The human eye admires beauty. However, men who respect and value their relationship with their wives, do not keep looking, they purposefully turn away, even if they do notice.
But I’d like to ask you a question. I’m curious about what you said in your first paragraph. You said that you and your spouse share a mostly good, 30 year marriage. Without knowing more of what you mean, I don’t understand how it feels good for you when your husband thinks you have a serious mental problem, he doesn’t respect your feelings about this issue, and as a result, you feel more and more insecure as a woman and wife?
I would think that a good marriage would reflect the opposite. When a woman feels loved and cherished by her man, she feels more secure, not more insecure. (Click to tweet)
Also, in a good relationship when you repeatedly see your spouse doing something hurtful or offensive to you, and tell him, he listens and reflects on his own behaviors. He would stop doing his behavior instead of telling you that you had serious mental issues and it’s all in your head.
I don’t think what you observe is all in your head. I don’t think you think so either. The question you didn’t ask, but I’d like to answer is, now what? Do you challenge your husband’s denial and blame shifting and set some boundaries for yourself, or do you continue to live with the humiliation of how he treats you in public and the accusations of craziness in private?
If you choose option #1, whatever has been amicable in your marriage will get worse. If you choose option # 2, you may find yourself actually feeling you are going crazy as you continue to pretend things are better than they are. The choice of course, is always yours, but for your own mental health as well as your God given dignity, I’d encourage you to think about option #1.
What would that look like? It might be that you speak up firmly when you observe him checking out other women. You might say, “You’re disrespecting me” “You’re doing it right now.” When he claims it’s all in your imagination, you might say, “We both know exactly what you are doing and I will not allow you to make this look like I’m imagining things.” He may not back down, but by you stating this out loud, at least you will be speaking the truth to your own self so that you don’t get confused and start to doubt your own perceptions. If he refuses to stop, you might choose to leave the social event, even if you have to call UBER to get home.
Second, if he chooses not to change his behaviors, you can set a boundary. For example you could say, “I’m not going to that dinner with you. I’m sorry but it is humiliating and disrespectful to me when you repeatedly stare at pretty women and I won’t put myself through that anymore. Until you are willing to see what you are doing and stop, I choose not to go out with you socially anymore.”
I know that will put a real crimp on your marriage the way it is and that is a huge risk. But the alternative is to just “endure” and that may not be a wise option either. There is no perfect path forward or sure-fire sentence that you can say that will wake him up to his behavior, but I would ask you to think about what glorifies God more? Is it to just smile silently at his side while he disrespects you and other women? Or is it speak up, set boundaries and hope that through those actions and consequences, your husband may come to respect and value you as the helpmate God gave him?
Friend, when your husband repeatedly looked at pretty women, what did you do?
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Hi Leslie,
One doesn’t need to say that women are better than men (in some specific or general way) in order to operate on that faulty assumption.Most of our thoughts beliefs and actions are not based on careful examination, reflection and thinking through them, they are based on assumptions. When you, “give the benefit of the doubt” to this woman, “hands down” due to the observed behaviors of men that you have witnessed in your 50 years but do NOT take into account that women do the same at about the same percentage as men, you’re giving that benefit without good cause, in my opinion. Knowing that women make false claims (like men), exagerrate about what is or has gone on (like men), lie (like men), distort (like men) and call men mentally ill (like he’s a narciccist) like men do to women, it is favoritism.
Lutherin spite of some of his better theological positions on some issues, was both a product of his time & context and not a good model of a Christian. Any person who thinks that males are the Imago Dei alone or the more direct Imago Dei are theological idiots (exceptions made for the illiterate and those who cannot understand due to impairment), or are just raging sexists.
Genesis 1. “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them..”
God clearly states that His image bearers are both Adam and Eve (those He created at the time recounted). If the Imago Dei continues, it continues in the same manner (both sexes) unless otherwise clearly stated by God. Nowhere in Scripture does God mention that the Imago Dei was restricted to males only.
“(Honestly, in the Christian arena, do you think abused men want to hear from a woman? No. Some conservative Christian men don’t want to hear anything of substance from a woman) ”
Actually, yes, yes I do. I can say that from personal experience and from the experience of other abused men. What we don’t want to hear are excuses, justifications, victim-blaming, and long-winded “explanations” that are anything but confession and repentance. I would bet the same could be said for women in His church, but I could be wrong, as I’m not a woman in His church. What both sexes need is less of this identity and groupthink and more focus on what He says. There are just as many “conservative” and “liberal” women in the visible church who don’t want to hear from men, no matter the subject, just like there are plenty of “conservative” males in the visible church who are the same way. Point to Jesus and the Scriptures, not worry about what excuse some person is going to use to ignore God’s words and commands.
Misuse of Scripture has been around since the Scriptures were written. In the strict, patriarchal societies of the biblical world up to today, men have had the upper hand and have taken advantage of their position. Not always with nefarious intent, but anyone with unchecked power will reveal who they really are and abuse that authority. Our roles are complementary for sure, but not like most complementarians portray. Egilatarians are no better, just the latest heresy in the battles of the sexes.
As my original post referred to exclusively, groupthink and piling on with strangers telling a story online is dangerous, and much of the response of posters to the OP post did just that. Uncritical acceptance of anyone’s online story and talking about “how my husband…” is nothing more than written words with no actual value past the subjective feelings. Casting “love spells” and such is just ungodliness. Pop psych advice from posters is not much better. The best advice was not even to OP but to another poster (by another poster) to not stay when being physically abused “hit”). Nothing biblical offered, just comisserating, and bad advice from strangers.
Which roles are you referring to? Women don’t have just one role in this life.
The posts to this piece is typical – people who have no idea of what is really happening, jumping to conclusions, based on zero actual evidence and only hearing one side of the story (but assuming the one side they read is the “gospel.” Lots of ASSumptions, lots of bad advice based on knowing nothing really, and then dismissing others who bring in other possibilities (that maybe, the man isn’t always guilty and a woman isn’t always correct).
MAYBE the writer did 100% accurately portray the situation.
MAYBE the writer did not give an accurate picture, but a tainted picture based on assumption.
MAYBE the writer’s husband IS abusive and saying she has a serious mental disorder to cover himself.
MAYBE the husband is 100 accurate and she does have a mental disorder.
Maybe, maybe, maybe…
Jim, you have a point. People can lie or distort reality. Our job here is to answer the question that is asked as honestly and fairly as possible, assuming that the person who poses the question is sharing truthfully. That’s all that’s in our power to do. However in 50 years of counseling men and women – yes, both lie, but I’ve witnessed a whole lot of lies professed around one’s sexual integrity and faithfulness as well as intentional gaslighting women and wives around the reality of what they see happening right before their own eyes. Yet they’re called crazy, mental, exaggerating, unstable, menopausal, etc. So if I were to give someone the benefit of doubt, hands down I would trust what this woman is saying is accurate.
Hi Leslie,
My comment was directed at the subsequent posts here, not your reply in particular. Your job is to assume that the woman is telling the truth, I get that. The issue is all the posts afterwards that are basically nothing more than piling on and bringing the biases, assumptions, and tainted perspectives of others who have zero idea of what is going on.
Personal, anecdotal evidence only goes so far, and a mob of like-minded people piling on doesn’t make for an actual case. All this turns into is a mob-makes-right situation where the OP feels better about themselves without having any accountability as to whether he or she is right or wrong.
“However, in 50 years of counseling men and women–yes, both lie, but I’ve witnessed a whole lot of lies professed around one’s sexual integrity and faithfulness as well as intentional gaslighting of women and wives around the reality of what they see happening right before their own eyes. Yet they’re called crazy, mental, exaggerating, unstable, menopausal, etc. So if I were to give someone the benefit of doubt, hands down I would trust what this woman is saying is accurate.”
In my 50+ years, (20 of them being a man-whore), I’ve watched literally hundreds of women that I’ve had sexual relations with, do the same with their husbands or boyfriends (except for the men being menopausal). I’ve seen them do it in front of me, I’ve had them tell me that they did it to their SO, etc. Women are no better than men, and when we pretend otherwise, we perpetuate a destructive myth.
It is a well-known, scientific fact that men are more visually oriented. Noticing a woman is different from gawking and different from undressing (or more) with one’s eyes. Appreciation for a visually attractive person is not a sin. Gawking and such is especially hurtful if done in front of your SO. I’ve been accused a few thousand times of gawking and such when no such thing was happening. So much so, I put my foot down more than a few years ago and told my wife that if she bore false witness against me again, we’re done. That doesn’t mean that all women do this on a regular basis, but it isn’t unusual either. I’ve watched women stir up this type of trouble in groups, just to get attention and to put the man on the defensive – it is manipulation. Again, not every woman does this, but it isn’t unusual.
While the OP in this piece may be 100% accurate and true, there is little reason to think all the posters who came after are.
Since women cheat (mentally, emotionally & physically) statistically at about the same percentage as men, women have no moral superiority in this arena. Women gawk and gaze almost as much as men, and most importantly, lie about it just as much. The false assumption that women are “better” than men in this subject (gawking, cheating, manipulating, etc) is to still believe the Victorian lie that women are more virtuous than men. It is a lie straight from the pit of Hell.
Jim, no one has said women are better than men.(However if you look at much of church history, men in high places like Luther, have believed they are better than women. That they are the image bearers of God, and women are made to help the man and bear children, that’s it) This site is devoted to helping Christian women who are hurt by men who profess to be Christian. That does not negate that women hurt men. My dad was married to an abusive woman, my mom. It happens. But that is not our focus here. (Honestly, in the Christian arena, do you think abused men want to hear from a woman? No. Some conservative Christian men don’t want to hear anything of substance from a woman) But I do think there are two big differences in these issues. First, Christian men, are typically given authority to be “the head” of their home. That can be mistranslated and misused in many inappropriate ways, and cause a lot of pain for women. Just submit women are told. It’s not that simple. Men typically have more power. Physical power, financial power, and spiritual power. A lot of abuse is misusing Scripture to get your way or silence someone’s perspective. I don’t see women having the same kind of power to use scripture to silence their husband’s near as much as I see men using Scripture to silence and bully their wives. Women may use other tactics for sure,
but our focus here is to help our women get safe, strong, clear and healthy, and to tell the truth about what God really says about their role, their identity and their place in his story. I believe men have plenty of their own issues to work on to become a true strong man of God. But that is not our focus here.
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My 25 year marriage pretty much ended over this 8 years ago (well, an experience where he was obviously attracted and giving heavy eye contact with a woman we both knew at an event). I could never get over it despite his insistence that he had done nothing wrong and wasn’t attracted to this woman (I had already seen him stare at her and get nervous around her multiple times for weeks before this). I couldn’t move on from the incident and one day, God showed me the reason I couldn’t move on was because my husband had never apologized or cared for my feelings so nothing had been repaired or could heal. That was the beginning of discovering my ex-husband is most likely a narcissist….it was the worst period of my life….but I’m here to tell you 8 years later, that I am free and a different woman. I am soooo thankful God led me out of that painful marriage.
I won’t discount the painful position that many of you are in…but I am here to tell you that you don’t have to live like that.
I had been a stay at home mom for 25 years, I had no job and no answers on how I would survive but trusted God with each step, You are worth more. You have value. You are beautiful. And you have choices. Set your boundaries and lovingly hold to them – for your sake and his. If he doesn’t care, then that says a lot, doesn’t it? Let him go live the life he wants of looking at all the women he wants to, That is love, too…to let someone go and be the person they are without your trying to bring something out of him he has no ability to give.
HELLO EVERYONE
Pretty! This was a really wonderful post. Thank you for providing such valuable information.
In response to the original article, I’d start to discuss his behaviour but also state that it is unacceptable within your marriage. Your social life is suffering because of him when he is the perpetra. I’ve met several men like this: my wife doesn’t understand me, she’s weird, etc etc. I experienced similar in a relationship, pointed out the gentleman’s annoying habit, reinforced this need to change but in the end gave up and left the relationship. It is pretty hard for an older leapord to change his spots!!
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My husband hurt me yesterday when he stared at a young woman, probably in her 30s, with interest. The woman was a hospital employee who was waiting for an elevator. I didn’t confront him as I knew he would be vicious to me, and I can’t handle that right now. Through our 42-year marriage, he has had a history of gawking at women in front of me, but he quit years ago after we got into ugly fights about it. So I was shocked that he did this. It hit me especially hard that day as a moment earlier, I’d seen myself in the bathroom mirror under the bright fluorescent lights and realized just how old I look. He lost his looks years ago, and he’s bald and severely obese, and yet he bragged recently that people say he still looks young. No way! In addition, he seems to have zero interest in me. We haven’t slept together for more than a year. He never looks at me, never compliments me. He spends a lot of time on his computer, and I’m guessing that he’s back to his porn addiction. He’s turning into a real jerk too, often grumpy, moody, and selfish. It hurts so bad that we’ve been married so long and were once so close to arrive at this place. I feel unloved, unwanted, and unappreciated.
I would like to comment about husband looking at other women , As a guy who has many friends who are all women and without going in to great detail at this time I will make it short and to the point I’m in my 60s now and I have been with quite a few women let’s say around 300 women who I have had sex with and close to 80+ women who I have only masturbated with and the majority of these ladies were married, so I guess that I am a bit of an expert. The woman who is hurt by her husband looking at other women I think should be thankful for him just looking it’s when he stops looking is when she should start to worry because it usually means that he has found someone and has stopped looking. Most of us men are pigs and are out for their own gratification so what if she started looking at men and I bet that if she did he would not be happy and then you two can talk about this and each others feelings and I bet that when you start looking he will get jealous and stop his wandering eyes
I can relate to all these ladies here. I lived it for almost 14 years. During the duration of the last 2 years, I prayed on what God’s plan was for me, as I was like a vase with hairline cracks and missing pieces….a shadow of a woman who I used to be, and felt this wasn’t something that he would be desiring.
Hi can you elaborate more…..”this wasn’t something that he would be desiring” ?
I understand what all of you ladies are going through. My husband not only look at other women he tried to blame it on me and stated that he is going to stop going places with me. I have been married to my spouse for a little over 11 years and I finally left him when he started setting me up to give me crimelike charges brought on me. For example: He laid down an extension cord in the middle of the floor and said that I did it so that he could trip and injury himself. That is one example of many. I can not continue living a lie and I am sure that God does not what me to either.
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Me and my ex we’ve been together over 4 or 5 years we loved each other’s. We’ve been siting down together to talk it out there wasn’t too much for him to sort out all the time whenever we was out infront or he’s been staring out girls non stop . He never helped me with our son it was only me our son is 1 years old ,17 months old and 20 days old . There wasn’t a future me and my son to be living with him. To many bills we’ve had and instead of him to be paying for our renting house he says to me to pay half of the bills as I don’t work but he does works .I felt so guilty that I met this liar and all the lies he’s done it’s all come out true
Me and my ex we’ve been together over 4 or 5 years we loved each other’s. We’ve been siting down together to talk it out there wasn’t too much for him to sort out all the time whenever we was out infront or he’s been staring out girls non stop . He never helped me with our son it was only me our son is 1 years old ,17 months old and 20 days old . There wasn’t a future me and my son to be living with him. To many bills we’ve had and instead of him to be paying for our renting house he says to me to pay half of the bills as I don’t work but he does works .I felt so guilty that I met this liar and all the lies he’s done it’s all come out true
Well to be honest all this years we’ve been together he’s been cheating on me sending some girls msgs .he send some girl from his work what he’s gonna do to her and she send me msg back if I did send her msgs on fb messenger I did said to her nope that day on 3rd of March 2022 I broke up with the father of my child and I move out to Dudley where my mum lives also that girl she trusted me and she send me all their msgs what they was saying. My ex he’s a pathological liar who never admits the truth . I’m happy with my son at my mums .
It’s disrespectful plain as day and obviously hurtful. Talk about it and hopefully he changes. If not I’d be tempted to leave.
My heart is breaking right now reading some of the comments. I can relate to ALL of it! I am going to therapy to work on my jealousy and trust issues(which I know I have some) Do any of y’all’s husband’s try to reassure yall of his love and commitment? Do any of you pray and read together (devotions)? He seems so genuine during these times, but denies anything I think I see and tells me its crazy. He does admit to being tempted but I honestly think he’s addicted to the attention he gets from other women. He tells me that I need to get it in my head that I’m the only one he wants for life. I honestly don’t know if I’m really just that jealous or if he plays with my head. I feel like I’m going crazy and can’t think straight. We stopped doing anything that has to do with going in public including church. There’s some good about him that I love but there’s also this, a few other things and he even hits me if we get into an argument that goes too far. Part of me loves hims and part of me wants freedom. He tells me I am double minded and divorce isn’t biblical. I’m not innocent. I do push his buttons when I am overwhelmed by jealousy. Right now I don’t feel like therapy is working because no one ever sees his part (if he is doing what I think) they just see crazy me. Any advice? I’m slowly dying inside.
I know how u feel I have been told it’s all in my head it bloody hurts the last few days I been telling him what ever makes u happy I can make u happy then and told him 2 can play that game I’m trying to hold my head high it’s hard he has never laid a finger on me and if he did he would be gone that’s what happened in my last relationship no man should laid a finger on a woman and no woman should lay a finger on a man I have had cancelling which found it helped but that has stopped at the moment I keep telling him u can’t be happy with me if ur eyes wonder on other woman but tells me he loves me loads and don’t want anyone else it plays with my head loads hope u can sort it out I’m feeling ur pain x
Yeah I don’t understand why these type of guys stay with someone they aren’t completely happy with. Stop making my life miserable because you are, yet he says he loves me so much. The only reason I can think that these guys stay with us (or I’ll speak for myself) is that they enjoy the mind games. They get a sick thrill of being deceptive and seeing just how far they can go with it. It’s all fun and games to them. I just don’t get it. I wish I were stronger but after 20+ years my strength is gone. I lost myself somewhere along the way and I don’t even know who I am anymore outside of our marriage and being a mom.
Same for me. I am so lonely and confused, though realizing what is really going on here. I’m convinced he wants me to kill myself.
This is me! It’s crazy that everything you just said I’ve thought! Why do they stay? Because they are sadistic! They enjoy seeing us hurt! 😭 I’ve been gone 1 month and my mind is starting to clear up! I can see clearly now that I don’t have him in my head as much!
Please begin to read about covert narcissism. What you are experiencing is covert abuse. Word twisting, denial, gaslighting, and lies lies lies, etc. All while portraying themselves as “Mr. Nice Guys”. Most counselors are not trained in this personality disorder and coverts can dupe even them very easily. Often the wives are seen as “crazy” because they cannot put in words all the confusion they feel. There are many of us spouses out here struggling with this. Best wishes.
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!
Please please please do not stay with someone who hits you. Please.
Well if your husband was with that women other then you..he will be looking at you ..is not you …is him ..in this case someone else is alwals better and most of the times..they forget to look in the mirrow ..
To be honest it’s actually my fiance he said out loud he was honest that eventually he did tried to cheat on me like he was talking with another women and he didn’t let me have his phone to be checking now this days we are more better
My husband did every one of these things so I’m relieved to read this does happen with men other than my husband!!
These types of men that think they can get away with this behavior are damaged mentally and need additional help getting through this. That is what I’ve learned.
To me, confronting him about the situation was worth whatever I had to go through and it was a lot. I had purposed in my heart I’d rather divorce than let this type of behavior continue.
We’d been married 40 years when one day I noticed it appeared he was more interested in staring at other women than focusing on me and our conversations.
There were other questionable behaviors I noticed as well. He has a sociable personality but it seemed as if he was spending more time talking to the waitresses than necessary and while at home working in the yard he was always speaking to all the ladies and chatting with them as they walk down the street. Things like that.
Over approximately a year or so I realize that these things were happening and not just my imagination. From there I had questioned him every time I noticed the behavior. He’d deny it every time. At that point, I knew divorce was imminent as he continued this behavior.
My last hope, I decided to get a marriage therapist. Therapists have techniques, worksheets all sorts of things to bring out the truth and stop coverups. What I noticed is that my husband could not say anything he wanted to the therapist. Now there are two people in the room that he’s trying to convince. It was great.
Things worked out.
If he hadn’t changed his behavior I was determined I would divorce, vowed to myself I will not live this way!! I will not ever take that from him or anyone!!
I encourage every woman to stand up speak out and if you must divorce; divorce!!!!
I.will.divoce him.
If some one else is more important to look at then me ..no more Torturing me.
Stop the madness and let him go. Let him get with one of these dream boats and you keep your self respect and dignity and go find a REAL man. A real man would never want his wife to feel like this. It’s evil. Go back to feeling like that flower you once were and let him find someone new. You will thank your lucky stars. No one deserves that.
My wife accuses me of doing this (and being in denial) – but I don’t!!! Last week we were stopped at traffic lights. I was watching for the light to go green. There was a woman obscured to me by the corner pillar of the car, but visible to her in the passenger seat. She accused me of watching her – the woman I hadn’t even seen until I moved my body to see what she was talking about. If I go to the supermarket to buy milk and bread, she accuses me of going there to “get stimulated” (I don’t, and I have told her so – she is the only one who stimulates me). Almost every time we go to the shops she accuses me of “following the pretties up and down the isles” – I don’t take much notice of them, except that they are there and have every right to do their shopping as I have to do mine (ours). I have deliberately taken notice of how I react, and my reaction to a “pretty woman” is no different to how I would react if it was a man in the same situation.
My question, is how do I set boundaries here???
Thank you ALL for these contributions. I’ve been married 34 yrs and these last 7 have been a game changer. In the early years I believed my husband to be my “knight in shining armour”. I sold my home to use as down payment on future homes each time trading up. 16 yrs after tying the knot, I agreed to leave family and friends behind to move to Tennessee when his dad got sick. I knew mom was going to need help. Once we crossed the state line everything changed. He started a new job and began introducing me (disrespectful) as “the wife”; as if I was a material possession. Few yrs later, My youngest grandchild was being born and I took quick flight to Chicago to help my daughter. When I came back, we went to dinner and it was obvious he’d been “tipping well” while dining there in my absence. Our waitress was so comfortable delivering his food, she laid her chest on his back when she reached around his neck. I was waiting for her to reach in his lap for the napkin and tuck it under his chin. During this time, I also learned from a coworker about the “slutty” behavior of one of his coworkers. Evidently Ginger pleases anyone at that factory regardless if they’re married or not. Must be one of those unspoken perks. 3 yrs later he “screwed up” while I watched. I always wondered why he asked “do we need anything from the store” before I get home. While my car was being serviced one day, we rode home together and I discovered he made a friend at that store. Pay close attention here. In 27 yrs of marriage, and several hundred shopping trips, that man NEVER ONCE returned the shopping cart to the coral, but instead was one of those whole left the basket to roll around the lot. Not this night. He instructed me to “go sit in the truck” after we both unloaded the bags. He quickly and carefully walked the basket to the coral which was almost to the entry. There he stood for 60-75 seconds or more, gawking through the plate glass window at her backside. When questioned, he lied about his disrespectful behavior and said I’m the crazy one. 7 1/2 yrs later he admitted he was attracted to her. I’ve also learned (recently) I’m Not his first priority and -in his own words- he has obligations that take precedence over our marriage. I’ve done so much to help this man climb up from trailer trash and feel like such a fool for ever believing in him. Have tried to address my hurt and he runs out ANYWHERE. Since I’ve worked nonstop after moving to TN, I have no friends, only his family (have discovered recently where he’s learned lying from). Now retired, I have no one to talk to. Not sure if I should leave with the minimal dignity I have left, or try to fix this by myself. I desperately need another vehicle. I asked for an Older chevy Tahoe. He bought a Pathfinder (scrappy Nissan). I’d like to drive it off a bridge. Maybe then the hurt will stop.
Hi Suzi,
I read your post regarding your husband looking at a woman at the grocery store. It’s so upsetting to read such thing especially when a wife of x amount of years has devoted her all to him. I just wanted you to know that even though you feel like you have no friends etc… I’m here for you. I can be your cyber buddy. I’m a wife too. Been married for 26 yrs with 4 daughters and got married really young at the age of 17. I’ve had my us and downs so o can totally understand your feelings. If you want to talk by text, email or by phone. … just reach out.
I will be your friend I’m here in TN also… I feel so disrespected most all of the time.
I am in Tn as well. I feel like this too. My situation is similar. Moved to Tn and I have no friends or family. I feel like I a drowning.
I love my husband. I know men look at women. I do love myself and have never felt insecure until
his looking has become so obvious that it’s embarrassing. I don’t know what to do anymore. He gaslights me and acts like it’s all in my head and turns it around that there is something wrong with me. This is how I feel…..
I Wonder-
I wonder if he knows It hurts me when it’s obvious he checks out other women but thinks I am blind to this?-But my eyes can see.
I wonder if his eyes ever linger on me and shine with lust like they do as his gaze follows other women over and over. Not once, not twice, just continual glances up and down. -It Destroys Me.
I wonder if he realizes that his actions speak louder than the “I love you” he whispers to me after sex.-My Heart Feels empty
I wonder if he understands yes, I give him sex but I no longer anticipate the beauty of our lovemaking or want to initiate it, because I know I can’t compete with perfect women he has shown me over and over he desires rather than me.-I Am Deeply Hurt.
I wonder if he knows long after he sleeps I often cry into my pillow because no matter how many times he promises to change, he cares more about pleasuring himself by checking out other women than respecting me.-Tears wet my pillow.
I wonder if he understands how humiliating it is, when I’m by his side yet he chooses to give other women he doesn’t even know attention.-I Feel Invisible.
I wonder if he thinks about the women he has screenshots of, kept photos of, checked out…when he is suppose to be desiring me, his own wife. I can guarantee if he does this while I’m with him it’s 100 fold when I’m not with him. I feel Used.
I wonder if he realizes that there are other men who would want me and not make me compete for their attention or crush my heart.-I’m Worth It
I wonder if My heart can survive getting crushed over and over as I witness his ogling of other women. I’m Devastated.
I wonder if I should have seen the red flags early on as he continually checked out other woman’s even while we dated.-I’m in Turmoil.
I wonder if he cares that I felt like this beautiful flower before I met him and now I feel like an ugly weed who wants to hide.-Feelings are Fading.
I wonder if he realizes that I once was this passionate, vibrant woman who uninhibitedly loved sex and felt sexy, but now I just want to hide. I feel Disrespected.
I wonder if him putting his pleasure above the pain he causes me is worth it to him.-I Feel Worthless.
I wonder if I can survive this same scenario he puts me through over and over until finally, I just become a shell of what I once was. I Am Empty.
Dear Rebecca, your text touched my heart deeply. It is exactly how I feel. I really don’t feel able to manage the way he makes me feel.
I know exactly how u feel and this is how I feel I don’t know what to do she’ll I stay or she’ll I go and I have told him I’m sure there is someone out there who will appreciate me for who I am and would be happy to be with me and have eyes for me it’s killing me inside
I’ve been with my husband for 41 years and believe me I am just a shell. It’s still going on at 64years old. I would tell young women to run run run.
I believe you Becky. Many men, regardless of older age, will continue to do those things. God forbid women do the same though, they wouldn’t put up with such disrespect.
I agree with you girl
Here is my story/testimony about this. I used to deal with my husband’s wandering eye a lot and my husband would deny it every time. He would say I’m not going to admit to something that you want me to admit to. It would just build an anger in me and when I would let out my frustration, I was told that I just wasn’t healed from my past. Me and my husband have only been married for one year. I think what helped is that I said something to him about this in the early months of marriage. The Holy Spirit actually told me that my husband would look at other women because he is insecure about himself. So basically, if a spouse can make their spouse feel insecure or “not good enough” it’s because really and truly, that spouse is insecure about themselves and think they think they’re not good enough in a lot of areas. I used to feel insecure about myself when my husband would look at other women… all because he was insecure within himself to begin with. This is not to put him down because of his struggle, but it sure helped me even though we both still had to grow from this with God’s help. My husband believes in us telling each other our insecurities. So after he told me his insecurities some time ago, one day I was at my breaking point with his wandering eye. So I cried out to God and said I couldn’t take anymore and what do I need to do. Holy Spirit began to calm me down and revealed to me and brought back to my remembrance about how my husband is still insecure in many ways. This didn’t make it okay though. This was not an excuse. It used to be bad to the point to where my husband would even look at my sister who I am very close to. He would basically check out anyone with a big butt or nice body. I had to seek healing from God and look online for advice just like this website. Even though me and my husband have only been married for a year… In the earlier months, this would happen with his wandering eye. Actually, this situation is the only topic me and my husband would have arguments about… him looking at other women. He would tell me at times that I didn’t trust him and then sometimes he would quote a scripture to me about not letting my thoughts or feelings control me. Blah blah blah. I hated that and I noticed an anger grew in me. We are suppose to be starting our own church soon and becoming Pastors. So months ago things got better when I really had to step up and tell him that I’m not Pastoring a church with you or going out in public with you anymore until this changes. I hated sitting in church and going on family outings and feeling very small because he would look at others. But my husband really wants to please God and be real with himself so he has changed greatly and he told me to just let him know if I ever feel he is looking at someone else or giving attention to someone else so he can fix it. So I believe that if anyone wants to really please God, they will work on themselves and their habits and decide to let Holy Spirit help them change. But if one spouse doesn’t want to change, yes that will destroy the other spouse mentally, emotionally, and even spiritually. I’m praying for all who have to experience this.
Amen. Praise the Lord! 💜✝️🙌🙏
Yes … this is what excetly same thing I’m going through like same your situation…. I can i do to help my marriage to make our life better he keep tell me I bored with this kind of ladies .stop thinking like that in ur head and be happy with me . He kept deny .. what cna I do ??? I’m so hurt and unless and make me feel low . I want him to change he keep deny that nothing wrong with me .. sighhhhhh . How can I get him attention to me than what his lying doing to him . Please help me ??? I have no friends or anyone to talk to about my situation…. Im lost in words sigh …
Thank you so much Mrs. Rebecca for sharing! You are totally amazing and I appreciate you. Your willingness to share the pain and turmoil that fight with on a everyday bases is profound. You wrote what my heart feels every single day. Thank you for your poetic masterpiece. I will read this to remind myself that I am not crazy and that of who I use to be.
Stop the madness and let him go. Let him get with one of these dream boats and you keep your self respect and dignity and go find a REAL man. A real man would never want his wife to feel like this. It’s evil. Go back to feeling Luke that flower you once were and let him find someone new. You will thank your lucky stars. No one deserves that.
You captured exactly how I feel. 🙁 glad I found this space of women sharing. Before I was in a “male” article about why they stare and that is “normal” and nothing to do with you. Blah , blah Blah . I believe there ARE good men that don’t stare because I have seen it. The “all men do it” is what the men that do it say. I feel so depressed when my husband does that . And angry. Sometimes want to be like him and see how he likes it. But I can’t because I know is disrespectful obviously unlike him. Can you just imagine if we stared at a man’s front pants down south. Long enough for husband to catch us on purpose and say “ honey , no I wasn’t ( even though head was so down , overly obvious:) and just say no it is totally normal me checking his size, it has nothing to do with you:))) oh my god I would loveeeee for someone to do this experiment. Then have FEMALE pschycologist saying oh yes totally normal. ;)))) I recently notice on my Netflix, that husband watches those Latin shows with lots of woman in lingerie . Then of course I go and see prime, YouTube and he has bunch of shows that married or bf shouldn’t watch out of respect for his wife or gf. Sorry this is so long but it is sooo embarrassing to say this to anybody in real life. So embarrassing my husband undresses Girls with his looks. Last time we couldn’t watch a movie because it had a story line of missing daughter and we recently had our Thirs child and first daughter . He was like no let’s not watch it, I was like okay. But he has no problem putting his daughter out of mind let alone his freaking wife when he watches barely dress women.
Men love to tell us we’re crazy when they look at other women. I’d rather be alone than deal with this! My boyfriend recently did this, not just glancing but ogling several times and I told him it’s over. He keeps saying I’m crazy yet bought roses and a card. Which I promptly ripped up and threw at him. If he wants something else he can go find it. Men look at me ALL THE TIME and I never do it back. It’s about respect!
Oh my god yes!!! I am to in . 3 kids , married…
But yes , it was so satisfying to read this. You know you are worth it and I love it. Don’t know why my husband does this if he knows it hurts me.
Rocio… he does it because he doesn’t care how it makes you feel and because he knows he can do it and get away with it. Plain and simple. So there are two options here: you put up with his bs. Or you put your foot down and demand respect and if he doesn’t commit … then it’s time to leave. There’s no compromise to this situation. But will you do either? Also, I would put the focus on yourself. It seems like the more we complain about these issues to them, it empowers them and boosts their ego. Yet, it destroys us mentality, emotionally and even physically. No man is worth it.
If we love our husbands, this is something that must be addressed with them. Alright, maybe not with a club, but with a broken spirit, and a wounded heart. (Yup, I purposely meant to apply ‘broken’ to spirit and not heart!).
We need to share the truth of this particular sin with them, through our devotion and love. As wives, Proverbs 16:24, is only one of several, words of wisdom on how to handle this approach, and it ensures healing. Scripture may not explain how often this step may take, but it does tell us how often we are to forgive. Jesus uses a hyperbole to tell us how often to forgive others in Matthew 18:22.
Think of exactly what it is that is on your heart and how your husband can help bring closure to this problem. Most importantly, be consistent in prayer and seeking the Lord!
When your husband is unable to communicate….He cannot express…neither he understands what I say. This is a difficult personality. How do I deal with this..