Is Asking For Forgiveness The Most Important Part Of An Apology?
Happy November, friends! Fall seems to rush in like a breath of cool air that invigorates and mobilizes the soul. It is a busy time of year, and from here the busyness can tend to run through to the calendar’s end. Thanks for slowing down long enough to read the LV&Co blog and engage in the community here.
Today’s Question: My husband has hurt me repeatedly, but whenever he apologizes, he asks me to forgive him. My pastor has taught that asking for forgiveness is the most important part of an apology, so I feel like I am the one doing something wrong when I don’t immediately feel ready to forgive. Sometimes my husband will apologize, ask me to forgive him, and then seem to withdraw from me or become cold when I don’t quickly “move on.” Eventually, I feel pressured to reassure him that I’ve forgiven him, even though nothing has really changed.
My husband likes to remind me that our pastor even said, If I don’t forgive, my prayers won’t be answered. I know Scripture tells me to forgive. But what does forgiveness actually require of me when the person who hurt me isn’t taking responsibility for repairing the damage? Am I being unforgiving if I still have hurt, questions, or boundaries after I have forgiven him?
Susan’s Response: Thank you for your question. I too have heard this being taught from the front of the church. Your pastor may not have intended to cause harm, but good intentions do not always prevent harmful applications of biblical teaching. I believe the church today needs to be intentional and consider how the teaching lands, especially when it comes to destructive relationships. A teaching that may sound simple and biblical in a healthy relationship can cause substantial damage in a destructive one.
So let’s look at Scripture to see where the teaching may have come from and what Scripture actually says about repentance, forgiveness, and repair. 1 John 1:9 tells us that when we confess our sins, God is faithful to forgive us and cleanse us from unrighteousness. Proverbs 28:13 tells us that the person who conceals his sin will not prosper, but the one who confesses and forsakes it will receive mercy.
Jesus speaks about forgiveness in Luke 17, saying that if someone sins against us and repents, we are to forgive. In Matt. 5:23-24, Jesus tells the person who knows someone has something against him to go and be reconciled. And we certainly cannot ignore Jesus’ teaching about forgiveness in Matthew 6, where he connects our willingness to forgive others with our relationship with God.
Clearly, forgiveness is important to God. Notice something with me as we look at these Scriptures. The Bible does not reduce repentance to asking for forgiveness. It doesn’t reduce forgiveness to pretending the harm didn’t happen, restoring trust immediately, or removing appropriate boundaries.
In the Old Testament, God called His people not to just apologize but to return to Him. (Hosea 14:1) The New Testament holds this same idea. Paul urges people to repent, turn to God, and demonstrate repentance through changed behavior. (Acts 26:20) That was echoed in Matthew 3:8, “Produce fruit in keeping with repentance.”
Asking for forgiveness can certainly be part of a sincere apology. However, when aspects of a true apology are missed and the weight of restitution is put on the one who was offended, the responsibility for repair lands in the wrong place.
A true apology acknowledges harm, accepts responsibility, and expresses genuine sorrow. In 2 Corinthians 7, Paul describes what godly sorrow produced in the Corinthians: earnestness, concern, care, longing, zeal and readiness to make things right. Changed behavior is what demonstrates the intention of the apology.
Zacchaeus gives us a beautiful example of repentance which produces action in Luke 19. After his encounter with Jesus, Zacchaeus didn’t just say, “I’m sorry; will you forgive me?” He committed to repaying four times the amount to anyone he cheated. His willingness to make things right gave evidence of the change that was taking place in his heart.
Forgiveness and relational repair are not the same. This is where there is often confusion. Forgiveness is something Scripture calls us to extend. Repair is the work of addressing what has been damaged. Forgiveness does not erase hurt, questions, consequences, or the need for boundaries. You can forgive someone and still need time to heal. You can forgive someone and still have questions. You can forgive someone and decide that trust must be rebuilt slowly through consistent, trustworthy behavior.
It is also true that you can forgive someone and the consequences will still remain. We see this in scripture as well. After David abused his power and took Bathsheba, he confessed his sin. Nathan told him, “The LORD has put away your sin” (2 Samuel 12:13). Yet David still faced painful consequences for his actions, including the death of his child (vs. 14-18). Forgiveness does not remove responsibility, undo damage, or guarantee trust will be restored. Consequences often remain even when forgiveness is extended, and the work of repair is still necessary.
So what does forgiveness really require of you? Forgiveness is a call to let go of vengeance (Romans 12:19) and release resentment rather than nurturing it. (Ephesians 4:31-32) It is not about denying or ignoring feeling hurt, removing boundaries or consequences, or immediately trusting again. It’s about what you choose to do with your grievance. You don’t have to keep feeding bitterness, rehearsing revenge, or maintaining a desire for the other person to suffer. Believers can take it to God, allow Him to tend to the pain, and entrust justice to Him in His timing.
Scripture gives the person who is harmed a call to forgiveness, while at the same time giving the offender a call to repentance. Although they are related, one call is independent of the other. Each person has the freedom to choose how they will respond to God’s leading despite what the other chooses.
Your pastor has taught that the most important part of an apology is asking for forgiveness. I believe a more biblical statement is: the most important evidence that an apology reflects genuine repentance is changed behavior, which is the fruit that demonstrates the change of heart.
Be Well!
Beloved reader, how do you discern when an apology is genuine? What do you do with your questions and your emotions that result from the harm?
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This answer is awesome. Thank you Susan. I will be copying and handing out to my mentees.
How do you forgive when the offender never apologizes for his behavior or even acknowledges that it is a problem and continues the hurtful behavior? When my pastor talks about how we are supposed to forgive I always feel guilty because I am still struggling with this. I have been forgiving my husband and trying hard to let go of anger and bitterness, but I still feel guilty for feeling hurt. Extra info – I am dealing with this on my own, with God , because I cannot have a conversation with my husband about any of this. He gets defensive and angry. We have been married for 42 years. The marriage has been and still is taking a huge toll on me personally.
If someone is demanding forgiveness, like this spouse by quoting the pastor, then are they actually repentant? I don’t think so, I think they don’t like the consequences of their sin and through wrong teaching know they are off the hook if the offended “forgives”. This is what my xh did, then I was told I was never allowed to discuss it or show evidence of my hurt because it made him feel bad. That’s like saying you can’t wear a cast after THEY broke your arm because seeing the cast makes them feel bad, accusing us that we didn’t forgive them if they experience or have to see our hurt while healing.
Forgiveness doesn’t equal reconciliation. Harming someone and expecting them to simply forgive speedily is inconsiderate in my point of view. It is disrespectful and doesn’t take into account the harm caused to that person. Suppose you are backing out of a driveway and hit someone else’s car and damage it severely. Would you think it’s okay to just say “ I am sorry “, expect to be forgiven and be on your way? Someone who is truly repentant and sorry for the damage caused will not not only apologize but also seek to pay for the repairs. Their heart attitude deep regret for the damage caused and finding ways to make amends and be extra careful next time to avoid repeating the same behavior that caused harm to someone’s else’s property.
I see that changed behavior is a necessary part of an apology. So what do I do when I wait for the changed behavior?.
Hi Elizabeth! Great question. That’s an important question. And I think this is where it helps to remember that you are not responsible for producing someone else’s changed behavior. That work belongs to them.
While you wait, pay attention to what is actually happening, not simply what is being promised. Is the person taking responsibility without becoming defensive? Are they making consistent changes, even when those changes are uncomfortable or inconvenient? Are they respecting your boundaries, or pressuring you to move on before trust has been rebuilt? You don’t have to rush forgiveness, restore trust, or continue giving someone the same access to you while you wait for change. You can forgive and still have boundaries. You can be open to reconciliation while recognizing that reconciliation requires two people doing their part.
And perhaps most importantly, don’t put your own growth and healing on hold while waiting for someone else to do theirs. You can make wise decisions based on what you know today, rather than what you hope might happen tomorrow.
This is the best explanation & illustration of apology, repentance & forgiveness i have ever heard. Thank you. I’m going to print this & have it ever ready to help others who don’t also have this appropriate understanding/ explanation! What a relief.
Thanks for commenting, Linda! I am glad to hear that you found some clarity. I appreciate you being part of our community.
My late husband gave the best apologies! He sounded so genuine, even cried, sometimes sobbed, because he was so sorry about how much he hurt me. Beautiful apologies.
BUT. the most genuine apology is changed behavior.
While God does ask us to forgive, He does NOT ask us to be hurt repeatedly.
When someone endeavors to make YOU feel guilty for not forgiving them, that is a form of manipulation and spiritual abuse.
Yes! Thank you for sharing your wise words, Melinda!
Susan, your message is really on point. Forgiveness is for the offended person; it is our declaration that we will not carry the offense, but we will commit the offense. and the offender to the Lord to deal with. It is release, and in letting go of the offense, we make more room in our heart for the Lord’s life to fill us. The husband in this situation wants the forgiveness for himself. That’s not the way this works in God’s intention. God’s way is for us to not have to carry the offense around with us. We leave that to Him. Even after we forgive, often the pain still lingers. Healing takes time, but if the offenses keep on coming, how can your heart get healing? A real apology will include the behavior:” I hurt you by doing…., and I’M SORRY.” After that, restitution is necessary, and a genuine effort to change.
Well said, JoAnn! Thank you for sharing your comment.
Thank you so much for this explanation. Yes forgiveness is very important BUT repentance is often overlooked and no fruit. 🌻🦋
Sadly, you are correct, Diane. We are stronger together as we bring clarity and invite change to a world that is easily deceived.
I once attended a church where, “will you forgive me” was just another automatic phrase they used. When I asked why, I was told it was a heart issue and it gave the other person the opportunity to offer forgiveness so they would be forgiven by God themselves. So, they’re doing us a favor. *smh*
Let’s face it…a genuine apology comes with acknowledgment of harm done AND change of behavior to ‘prove it’.
I think it would be fair for the offended party to respond with, “Yes, I forgive you. But forgiveness doesn’t mean the hurt immediately disappears. I am still working through what happened, and I hope you can give me the grace to do that.” Hopefully this disarms (especially using the word ‘grace’) the one who misuses, “will you forgive me” just to alleviate their guilt. God never asked wounded people to pretend they aren’t wounded.
Only time will tell if the perpetrator is truly repentant or if they are using “will you forgive me” as a trite, ‘Get Out Of Jail Free’ card.
So true, Anita! Great insights; thank you for sharing.
In addiction/alcohol recovery, individuals are highly encouraged to do living amends. Their actions are significantly more indelible than words. Pastors are not trained therapists and approach this subject rhetorically often utilizing the same biblical verses out of context and shaming the victim. This is expecially seen when the aggressor is the husband and the victim is the wife causing more harm. I am done with the church as socially defined. I get to interact with others believers through podcasts/Youtube, reading comments and experiences while being able to share mine for support. One has a live chat. The original church is ekklesia and believers met in homes. Today, I meet with believers sometimes in a restaurant. The church today has pagan roots anyway and they mix the Covenants. Can’t be be done. The law expired with Jesus on the cross.
I am glad to hear that church hurt has not caused you to lose faith or become bitter, Lisa! May God continue to bless you on your healing journey.
In 1Peter it says that a man’s prayers are hindered if he doesn’t treat his wife with honour
I won’t write more because lately my comments have not come through, or disappeared shortly after.
Thanks for that scripture reference, Connie!
The act of an offender asking the offended for forgiveness has always felt self-serving to me. Much better, after true repentance, would be to say, “I hope you can forgive me,“ but even that seems to put undue expectations on the offended person.
I doubt I’m alone in having a husband demand, “You just need to forgive!“ My counselor freed me from this whole notion by telling me, “Forgiveness is something between you and God.”
You are certainly not alone in that experience, Debbie! Thank you for being a part of this community.
This was a repeated issue in my former relationship w h. Just bazaar and never correct Biblically. He would even bring in several key people to our home and pose the issue, publically asking for forgiveness from me. Talk about a set up. I was clear about forgiveness and did own my time frame for healing and time with Jesus. If he had to wait, so be it. It was always the same results though. Once I said I forgive him, it was an immediate blank slate as if NOTHING happened prior. Gaslighting and blaming were weapons if anything was brought up from the past. 4 years ago we were divorced. The LORD washed me with His perfect forgiveness 4 1/2 years ago. All of it. Praise the LORD. The LORD got a hold of him a year ago. He confessed to his horrible behaviors and sincerely asked for forgiveness. I of course had already forgiven him. The freedom is priceless and Jesus’ authentic, purifying healing hands never disappoint!! I so pray in your healing and direction as you journey forward.
Amen! Thank you for sharing, Sarah!
Glory be to God! Walking IN truth sets us free!
I completely agree Leslie. As a Clinical Mental Health Counselor, this concern shows up in our sessions often. I’m saddened to hear when the offender checks off the asking for forgiveness box, then readily accepts their freedom to go unchanged. This is a heart posture that does not please God. It’s difficult to heal when the impairment is ongoing. Changed behavior or the “turn away from the sin” is where the evidence rests.
Neal, thank you for the support and clarity you provide to your clients. It certainly is a challenge to heal while the harm is still present. Thanks for commenting.