What Do I Do When My Spouse Gives Me The Silent Treatment
Morning friends,
I had a great visit with my sweet granddaughters. While with them I try to stay off social media so I give them lots of undivided attention. I’m back now and glad that many of you took the time to watch the video of Fred and Marie and shared your comments. Now if anyone knows of a similar video with more passive/aggressive or covert abusive tactics I would love to know about it.
Tonight (Wednesday, July 13th) I will be on my professional Facebook Page doing a live stream at 7:30 PM EST. I will be discussing boundaries – what they are and how to establish them. Please join me.
Our CONQUER conference has over 200 women from all over the US and Canada registered so far. Early Bird pricing is still in effect and I would love for you to come, grow, get strong, and encourage one another. To register, click here.
Question: What is the proper response to the silent treatment when it has been 10 days and no matter what, you will be blamed? Do you distance yourself or move toward reconciliation?
Answer: First, it’s important to distinguish between the silent treatment and a time out. A timeout is a good thing and is taken when a couple is arguing in a non-productive or destructive manner and one or both parties call a timeout in order to calm down, rest, regroup, pray, or do what it takes to come back and talk constructively about the topic or problem. Ideally, a time-out should last no longer than 24 hours and the one who called the time-out initiates the reconnect with the other spouse to say when he or she would be prepared to resume the discussion.
The silent treatment is not helpful and is a passive aggressive form of punishment. One person is angry or unhappy with something you have done or not done and instead of talking it through, there is a withdrawal of communication, attention, and care as a means of punishment. I remember one woman I worked with whose spouse did not speak with her for over a year despite her pleas to discuss things.
I’m answering this question from a woman who has a husband who gives her the silent treatment, but I’m aware that women can also be guilty of giving their husband’s the silent treatment.
The person who chooses the silent treatment as a pattern of behavior operates out of a victim mindset. A victim mindset believes he is powerless to bring about change and blames circumstances (or other people) for how he feels. He is hurt or angry about something but refuses, to be honest, and talk about what’s bothering him. He will not do the work of expressing his feelings, stating his needs, negotiating a compromise, understanding another person’s perspective and moving towards a solution and reconciliation of the relationship or even of ending the relationship. Instead, he manipulates, punishes and attempts to control the other person through protracted silence.
Deep down, the silent partner wants two things. He wants to make you pay for upsetting him and he wants you to take full responsibility (blame) for his emotional state and rescue him out of his funk by attempting relationship repairs. Sadly, even when you attempt to do so, the silent spouse often resists your attempts and further rejects you through continued silence (more punishment). Somehow you are supposed to figure out what you did wrong, make amends, and beg this person back into relationship with you, without him having to take any responsibility for communicating or working towards a mutual solution.
But your question was, what should you do when you are on the receiving end of the silent treatment? First, you need to work on not reacting to his passive form of aggression towards you. He tempts you to step into two unhealthy roles if you are not vigilant. You will either start the rescuing process as I've already described, or you will get angry and lean into the persecutor role, which will shame and attack him. And be careful, you may go back and forth between the two. Either way, he gets to stay the innocent, blameless, victim and continue to see you as the bad guy–the one to blame for everything wrong in his life.
Instead of dancing that old dance again, just go about your life while he’s brooding in silence. Get out with your friends and try not to take his rejection personally. Instead, see it as a very immature response to being unhappy with something and being unable to deal with his feelings. What you can do is continue to invite him (not beg) to take responsibility for himself, to discuss what’s wrong.
So you might say something like, “I am happy to discuss what’s wrong when you are ready to talk about this, just let me know.” And then go about your life. Hopefully, this will signal to your husband that his tactic isn’t working to control or punish you. You will no longer rescue, beg or badger. In this moment, you will function as a healthy adult who invites another adult into a discussion about “what’s wrong.”
You can’t force someone to talk about it nor can you fix something if you don’t know what is broken (tweet that).
Understand this new approach doesn’t come without risk. He may sink more into a victim mentality, feel rejected and that you don’t care about him because you aren’t knocking yourself out to “fix and rescue” the relationship. Or, his aggression might switch from passive to more active and he may start to talk but it usually isn’t constructive conversation but blaming, accusing, and attacking words, blaming you for everything that’s wrong with his life and your marriage.
In that moment it’s important for you to stay in CORE strength and really see what’s happening so that you can find some compassion for him. How? Remember, he is unable to express himself in a good way, so his typical way is to shut down and be silent. When that doesn’t work, he explodes and vomits out his ugly feelings. Yes, that is hurtful, but it’s clear that he doesn’t know how to handle his emotions any better than he is doing.
If he explodes, then you can compassionately say, “I see you are very upset and hurt or angry and I’m glad you are ready to tell me what’s bothering you but the way you’re talking right now is destructive and I can’t listen to you when you are attacking me. I’m going to give you some time to calm down and figure out how to tell me what’s wrong in a more constructive way.” Then walk away. Again, you are inviting him to mature, to grow, to learn how to express himself, but in healthier ways in order to actually resolve the issue and not just allow him to attack you.
In the end, sadly, nothing may change with him, but if you don’t get drawn into the destructive pattern, a lot can change with you.
Friends, what do you do when you have been at the receiving end of the silent treatment? Or, have you been one who has been silent, refusing to talk about what’s wrong? If so, what has this blog taught you?
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It kind of shakes up the whole family. But I try to go on about my business and make sure the kids are on. One of the worse things that happens is if the silent treatment begins right before a family plan of doing something or going on a trip, my two older kids and I get left behind and my husband takes the youngest one and goes out of town. But eventually he comes around and things become seemingly ok, though not resolved. I can usually expect it to happen again down the road.
How well I understand your phrase “eventually he seems to come around. Things become seemingly OK but not resolved.” ????
Without a sincere apology, the wife is supposed to just go on like nothing happened.
I can relate to this so much! This exactly what used to happen to us as a family. I never could make plans because I never knew what kind of mood he would be in. I couldn’t invite people over for the same reason. I stopped trying after my grown daughters were out of the house. Now I only have left a 16 year old son at home and things a pretty lonely. I do have people over when he is not home and I make plans for myself without him. It was hard to not feel guilty and to accept what I can not change. All the wishing in the world doesn’t change things. My husband’s motto is “pretend it didn’t happen” he told the kids that all the time. 34 years of this. We do the best we can in the particular situations we find ourselves. You are not alone.
So nice to read about your situation, although I know your situation has not been NICE I’ve been in the same sort of marriage for about 36 years and have always felt alone. Once the kids and grandkids left I kinda had a bit of a breakdown, the unconditional love was gone! But realizing other women had these kinds of relationships and I learned more about this passive aggression it helps to know that you’re not alone. The only true unconditional love comes from my Father in Heaven and I’ve never been alone
Hi Tracy, So encouraging to read that despite your difficult marriage and all the loneliness ,you are comforted in knowing that God cares and He is always there for you . Remember the verse “I will never leave you nor forsake you “. Thanks for sharing . Jenny
Tracy, here’s what shifted everything for me: I stopped seeing his silence as a problem I needed to fix. Instead, I started seeing it as an invitation to protect my peace. It’s not easy, but it’s one of the best things you can do for your emotional well-being. It’s all about focusing on the things you can control. For example, you can’t control how your husband communicates, but you can learn how to respond in ways that are clear, calm, and strong. There’s an incredible guide by Brad Browning which shows you how to do this. You can find it at: MendMarriageGuide.com – Hopefully this can help you too. Keep the faith.
Wow…im not alone…not that I’d wish this hell on anyone else…but its sort of nice k owing I’m not alone…I started putting all of his ‘episodes’ in my calendar in my phone…it’s disgusting to see how often it occurs. I’m 64..trapped financially as all my $ is tied up in this house.
Amen! We are never truly alone if we have the Lord
I feel for you. My spouse of 30 years gives me the silent treatment and acts like he doesn’t love or even care about me anytime I make a mistake. My kids are also grown and my dog gave me unconditional love. I had a doggie for 14 years and when she died I grieved like I had lost a child. I had a mental breakdown. I love my husband, but feel like I can’t be as close to him as I’d like because of his behavior. I too am a Christian and have the reassurance of God’s unconditional love. Take care and God bless you.
I don’t mean what I am about to say in a mean or hurtful way. It seems that in order for women to find some sort of resolution to men/husbands’ behaviors we have to give it up to God. There is never any required accountability for emotional health in a marriage by men. I don’t think what most women are looking for is unconditional love. I can’t speak for most women but I do know I want respect and compassion. The silent treatment violates respect and compassion. I feel it’s a tool men use to punish and control. without accountability. I have raised three kids and whenever I had to punish them it was done to stop bad behavior and I always told them why they were being punished. You can punish someone while maintaining a loving relationship. The silent treatment is to punish and hurt. I believe a man who does this most likely no longer respects you and has no compassion for you. He may still love you, but in a way one loves a person for having shared a lifetime of experiences . Marital love does involve love around shared experiences, but It should also include deep rooted personal love that comes with respect and compassion.
Kimberly, you’re not wrong for desiring accountability, but you’re misinformed if you think you can require it. Accountability works in a relationship only when someone agrees to be accountable. You’d think when someone promises to love, honor and cherish in the marriage vows, that’s what they are promising. But sadly if is not always the case. So when you say to an unfaithful, deceitful spouse, “I need you to be honest.” Or “Faithful” – that’s true for you. That doesn’t mean he’s going to do it. Or a spouse who continues to use the “silent treatment as a means to punish you. Do you say, “You have to talk now!.” Impossible to enforce. So the “work” going forward is what? Do you nag, force, threaten, twist his arm, gather support from others to try to get him to be the person you think he should be – “faithful and “honest, open”? Do you think that ever works? No. No one changes who doesn’t want to change. So the best you can do is get really clear on what you want and dont’ want. What you need and will and won’t put up with. In marriage there is always compromise. I can put up with this (leaving clothes on the floor). I can’t put up with that (lying, porn use, cheating, the silent treatment, abuse, etc). You get to decide what you will live with or wont’ live with. You cannot decide for him who he should be.
What’s so ironic is they do this for power and do t realize it causes them to l lose power because it causes us to dislike them and lose respect because it shows immaturity. Love is power and this is not love. Abuse kills love. His father also did this. Is that the legacy he wanted to leave behind ? Blessed that my kids didn’t repeat the habit. Probably because he was not around much.
40 plus years experiencing this nonsense
Am in this situation atm (in fact I found this page while looking for answers) Silent treatment been going on and off for 5yrs now and currently in a 6wk funk where he “prefers to not talk bc it brings me peace” — what a cop out on real mature communication! He has started calling me a C-word in front of our teen girls and following it with silence. He doesn’t do any domestic work and instead plays on the fact that he works long hours and earns all the money. Currently doing kitchen reno (which we contracted well before this silent treatment started) but I’m managing it alone bc husband is too immature to speak up. Also he speaks to our teenagers just freezes me out. It’s totally destructive and I’m torn between leaving and having literally nothing after years of raising a family and establishing a home virtually on my own, or staying in my own lane knowing there’s money in the bank. We’re approaching retirement age so I’m not even a competitive applicant for any meaningful or well paid work. Silent treatment is disgusting and humiliating
What If You’ve Tried Talking and it really just goes No where . So then you just stop talking . Maybe its not trying to hurt anybody and juat trying to be at peace with a losing Battle . Not everyone is easy to talk to . The silent treatment actually sometimes hurts the person that wants you to talk . Because that person likes to use your words against you . So lets not always blame the one choosing to be silent to be the problem.
I totally agree,, been married for 37 yrs now and he has done this the whole was through.. It does take its toll .. I will be doing iwhat the previous person said , about going on with their life and keeping the faith ..
Yep I too 40 plus years
When I go to church and see how loving some men are to their wives, it makes me sick that I can’t have that he really makes me feel like he hates me sometimes and now my older daughter and grandson are living with us, and things have become worse, houseful of people and feel so lonely. I can’t move out because I would have to take my umbrella cockatoo and my aging pitbull with me and here in Florida, they don’t allow these kinds of animals in apartments. Don’t know what to do, but I know I don’t want this for the rest of my life. I don’t deserve it. I am worthy of love. I crave it. I hate fighting and that’s all we do. The best part is our daughter was just in a situation with her boyfriend
. You would think that he would treat her mother better. And show loving kindness as the way it’s supposed to be and how she should let them in treat her and not the way he treats me.
Oh I understand your story! We’ve been in this marriage for 35 yrs & in the early yrs I’d scream back & hang with his behavior but as we’ve aged I just have helped myself to read HOW to stay calm, hold my tongue, not react to his ugly words towards me. When I don’t interact he then says I think I’m better than him because I can control my attitude. Then comes the YOU THINK YOU’RE PERFECT. I can’t so anything to call the situation. I usually walk away. Now that it’s only he & I he’s actually worse than ever. I have my grandbabies often & he never fails to behave nasty. Raise his voice & always degrade me. I am now debating as to whether having my girls in our home or take them away when I have them
I am exhausted. I feel like I am on my last leg to stand & fight for myself. I am a strong woman but his treatment is breaking my spirit . At my age to say “ but I love him” sounds so ignorant because I’ve learned love isn’t all we need from our partner. I pray for your happy!😇
THIS! So what he sulks and mopes and then slinks back into family life. Where is his consequence! I am worth MORE than toxic silent treatment 😔
This is my life. We’ve been married almost 21 years. I’m being frustrated. I started therapy to help me and it’s been like changing. I’m hoping he will consider therapy as well.
I hear you! I have been married 22 years this year and I have no hopes it will change as I used to. Does the therapy help you?
Honestly, if they don’t go to therapy, then they don’t care enough. Mine tells me oh I’m not gonna have somebody tell me how to live my life. Well, they’re not there to tell you how to live your life there there to help you with your life and be happy with the one you bought supposedly. My advice don’t wait 40 years because they don’t change if they don’t love you enough to change now they never will.
I have been married for 28 years but together for over 29. My husband just retired from the military. It’s been an adjustment for us both and we moved to a different city not knowing anyone. He has always told me what is wrong with me and what is wrong with what I do. Cooking, cleaning, listening, conversation, getting upset when he criticizes me or what I do. He gaslights me into apologizing and saying I need to change. When called out he gets mad and says I don’t appreciate him. But then he will be super affectionate and wants intimacy, sometimes in inappropriate places and in front of people. Almost like he is claiming me. He made our kids feel like they weren’t welcome in the home, even now as they moved out. Our son refuses to talk to him, our daughter tolerates him and is polite to him because he’s my husband and technically her father.
A couple weeks ago I lost it when he yet again began picking apart a painting I was doing, telling me how to improve it, he doesn’t and has never painted. He got mad saying he was tired of me disrespecting his opinions, dismissing them and getting angry when he expresses them. He’s tired of me never letting him talk by cutting him off (he will talk none stop for 10-20 mins and no one can interject because he is talking), and I never listen to him because I am a horrible active listener (I have adhd and it’s worse since menopause). He’s tired of living like roommates and claiming I won’t let him sleep in the bed. He left the bed saying I was kicking him, I snored and then he didn’t like the CPAP. I have not wanted intimacy because it one sided for him, he tries to make me do things I don’t like and for a year, loses arousal after looking at my body (I feel defensive). He said I can talk to his lawyer he wants a divorce. After an hour I said we should talk. Again i apologized for losing my temper and said I reacted badly about the painting. He again listed my faults and I said I would work on it. He said he would try as well. But if it happens again, that’s it.
Well monday night, he started criticizing (as he says giving his opinion) about a soup I made him because he was sick. I got upset because he hurt my feelings. I couldn’t speak but glared at him. He yelled that he’s tired of not being able to give his opinion and for having one and he will never open his mouth again and slammed “his bedroom door). He rarely acknowledges I exist and refuses to talk to me. He will just stop and stare at me. I think he wants me to beg and plead or react badly with sarcasm. I called a shelter here and they gave me a lawyer to call. He said not to react, talk to him about when I leave the house, ask if he would like a tea or coffee when I make some and when I make food, offer him some. He said to record the interactions in a notebook he can’t see.
I am struggling with maybe I was wrong, maybe should apologize but I don’t think I was wrong to get upset because it hurt my feelings. I did tell him that Tuesday morning but he glared at me and walked away. He now leaves the condo if I am in the living room or anywhere not in my room.
I am at a loss as what to do. Who to tell, do i tell the kids? My bff lives on the other side of the country but i have messaged her back and forth telling her. I just feel alone here. The lawyer told me to not tell anyone that he will also encounter because he can claim i am bad mouthing him and use that against me in court.
I created this account so I could talk in here
You are me, I understand this. No consequences or real resolution.
I have been married for 1 year and when my husband gets mad or upset he gives me the silent treatment for days. A months ago he text me and told me he wanted a divorce and after 4 days I messaged him and asked him how he eMates to handle the divorce if I needed to or if he was and his response was well I’m not sure it’s what I want. So I stayed and didn’t file and am attempting to work things out. I told him I need him to communicate with me. He said he would and here we are again I’m on day two of another silent treatment. I feel like I’m walking on egg shells trying not to upset him. Whenever I don’t do anything hat he wants me to do he shuts down. He is in therapy and has been for a couple of years but it’s not helping. He threatened me with divorce 3 times in less than a year.
I have been married for 38 years and I don’t see any resolution to this behavior in sight. Frankly, I am just exhausted. I no longer have the energy to make an effort. I just don’t want to argue or be belittled anymore. I tell myself this is all my doing. I think I married a man who never truly loved me and this is the consequence. So, I live with it. I am extremely lonely and have been for years. I make more money than him, I pay more than my fair share of the bills, I have no real debt, I have retirement, investments and savings but I fear I can’t be financially stable alone. This is just cray. I have fought depression for years with no real success. I am just looking for a little happiness in my marriage. I don’t need a lot. Just a compassionate partner who likes me and respects me. Sadly, I will never get that but maybe one day I will be able to be ok and the loneliness and hurt will subside.
We have been together for over 32years. This isnt the first silent treatment, but its the longest so far. Its been 5months, and he knows I miss him. I have asked him why he can’t speak or call or even text me. He just says ohhhh I will call you. REALLY. I wait all day to see if he does anything. He won’t call text nothing. I’m so glad I have read others comments. I will really try to just let it roll off my shoulders. I definitely need to be in a great piece of mind. I have 4 grandkids, and I don’t want to be moody with them, because of his nasty ways towards me.
You deserve better. Over 6billion people on earth and you are waiting for someone to call you for 5months. It says a lot about you and not him. Nothing to roll off. Move on and away from this person. They don’t care about you or your feelings, why should you care?
The non communication is the worst. Some days my phone never rings. My husband never checks on me. We had a tornado last week and my kids called my sister-in-law checked on me but no call from my husband when he came home from work and I asked him about it. He said I knew you’d be OK.
Our problem in his eyes is that there’s no sex and for me it’s there is no intimacy. He doesn’t understand the difference.
No communication, no intimacy no sex and then he gives me the silent treatment.
Ours is 50 years.
And it’s crazy to me how all these comments are familiar to me. Everyone of them.
Therapy was helpful. But no way will he go.
How much of these patterns are childhood wound related.
I feel this pain too all too well. We’ve been together 15 years married 8. I have two children from a different relationship and then we decided 4 years ago to have a baby. He’s always dismissed my feelings anytime we get into an argument and it’s always my fault. I’m so hurt right now, he got so angry at me that he went out and bought a motorcycle we are 45 with a four-year-old daughter. He used to be so in love with the Lord and on fire. But the devil’s trying to take my family. When he gets upset with me he takes it out on my other two children which they’re practically got grown now but they still live at home and he refuses to talk to them too when he gets mad at me he can shut down for a week or longer without speaking with me. But then when he’s ready, he thinks he can touch me and be intimate and that’s going to make things better. I have no interest and just do it sometimes just because but I’m so tired of this. My little sister she has a husband that just adores her and loves her so much she’s almost 30 and has two children and they’ve been together since she was like 14. I would love to have a love like that. I’m just so lost right now and so hurt. This is both of our first marriage, I don’t want to divorce, that’s what I grew up in a broken home. I don’t want that for my little one I just don’t know what to do anymore I’m just so tired of this emotional and mental abuse. It’s all my fault
Stop thinking it’s your fault!!! That’s what emotionally abusive people do… twist it around to blame you so you’ll think it’s your fault. You’re worth more than this treatment ; spend time with friends and hobbies… make yourself happy doing things you love and spend time with people who make you feel loved and happy.
I’ve been married 35 yrs and have gone through this through out whole married life. My son is now grown up and has a family of his own. I always told him when he was younger living at home when his father behaved this way to never treat his wife or partner like this. Its immature it hurts your wife and its a very bad example for your children to see. Iam 68 an it has sadly pushed me away. Its very hard to be intimate with a man because your mind and feelings just go there, it goes to ok nothing got resolved but I’m suppose to act like all is now good. After the silent treatment, the mean things he has said because I refuse to ingage beg cry after 10, 20, 30, 37 years. They don’t all grow up they just don’t and the end result is I love him but not like Ii want to. He’s no longer my best friend and that does make me cry because I use to believe we always would be. He can be the nicest kind est man until he gets in one of his moods. And it can result from anything small or big. . Its a lonely sad way to live. I sometimes wish after 10 years I would have walked away. I just kept praying he would grow up and behave like a grown man.
You sound exactly like me
I’m sorry it’s been like this for 38 yrs
I was going to leave after 10 and I didn’t
You are right – how can you be intimate with a man after so many years of this silent emotional abuse
I thought it wa getting better but no ! Happening right now because he didn’t get his way
I feel you Donnette
I don’t believe this will ever get better
So sad
I truly am sorry to hear about your heartache because I to have the same circumstances but no children. I will pray for you. O O
13 years and the worst human behaviour. Absolute disrespect belittling and sick in the head. It has made me a sick person. I’m very tired and ready to let go. We have a child and its is disheartening. His mother is an enabler and his beef is that I have to be in good terms with her althought she’s a bigger monster. He is into triangulation, emo manipulation and horrible mind games.
I completely understand and I’ve been in the same situation for 31 years, your story sounds exactly like I wrote it. My Husband is very insecure and always blames me for everything that is wrong in our marriage, nothing is ever his fault. May God bless you and your situation, you obviously have to be a wonderful, strong woman.
as I speak I’ve been under the silent treatment for two hours. Over our 42 year-old marriage we’ve had numerous talks about this so infuriating, Yes, I’ve tried every strategy over my long marriage. I tried to stay on a level keel while deeply feeling the sadness
I try to maintain by taking timeouts for myself to visualize happy times.
Donnette, are you both born again believers? I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I’m 29 and in a similar situation in my own marriage. How about I pray for you and you pray for me? Fervently? And pray for your husband too. I’m sure you have suggested counseling for the two of you, but if he refuses, go for yourself. Find a Christian counselor if you are a Christian yourself. May God see your pleas and move your husband to change.
I get it. I’ve been married to my husband 48 years. He has never been a communicator. To this day, sadly, he still gives me the silent treatment. When I was young & with children at home, I would just focus on them. It’s always been extremely difficult for me but worse now that kids are gone ( empty nester). I feel so alone, disrespected, minimal, sad & lonely. I cry often but hide it from him. I should have divorced him when I was young, now dependant financially, etc. I am so sad that I never had a love that was healthy & a husband that showed me he cared. It’s too late now. I don’t understand how are man could be so heartless. I sit and pray…
This makes me so sad because I’m pretty sure this is my life and future. I’m a full time bonus mom to his two boys (9 &11) from a previous relationship and I had our son 9 months ago. I gave up my career, hobbies, interests, my time, my mind, everything… to be there for him and his boys. I care for our son 24/7 and rarely get genuine breaks. I feel like I’m parenting 4 people in my home, not just the one I gave birth to. One son lies and gaslights me just like his dad does. The other one is hitting puberty and, sadly because of other trauma at an earlier age, has these emotional outbursts. My husband gives me the silent treatment, gaslights me, jokingly blames me when he has to tell the boys to get off of the tv or go to bed (it’s mean step moms fault… it undermines me and feels disrespectful when I’m just trying to help raise them!), he doesn’t have my back fully, doesn’t routinely keep his word and then gaslights me that he never said that or that’s not when he meant, the list goes on.
He’s currently ignoring me because I shut off the breaker to the living room to get them all off of the tv because it is bedtime, after telling the kids several times and getting ignored. But he says I disrespected HIM!!! Because I turned the tv off. Now he won’t talk to me.
I’m so depressed and too embarrassed to tell my family. My son is the only joy I have in my life. I keep thinking of the quote “don’t stick to a mistake just because you spent a long time making it” and it breaks my heart. I’ve loved this man with everything I’ve got, even through times I should’ve left. He’s broken me and changed me to the point I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t think I’ll ever experience the type of love I’ve tried to give him.
Having gone through the comments here, I’m now convinced that this doesn’t get better and it makes me scared. Hearing many people say it gets even worse, especially when the children leave home.
I’ve been married for 19 years, but I feel so ashamed of our union. I do not actually have any good memories. Any events are usually ruined due to his mood. I used to ask him what the issue was, and it’s usually I said this or that. I have never experienced this except when I was in primary school, of which I never partaked in that because it takes away my peace.
Since I started ignoring him as well once he starts ST, he passes through exactly what Leslie wrote. We are currently going through a two week ST just because I asked him in the morning if we can go for breakfast at a restaurant, and he responded, “Have u said good morning to your husband?” I responded cant you say good morning to me as well? Must it be one way. ” If it’s that important to you, you should be initiating it. I careless if he greets me good morning or not.
He started ST, ruined the moment. I’ve ignored him, and he started passive aggression, shouting that I mistreat him in this marriage, that he is just in it until the kids leave home. Anyways this is not new, I’ve been dealing with this for years.
I’m also ashamed to inform my sister that I usually confined to because she once said that we are supposed to have passed this stage in our marriage. But She is right. We don’t do ST in my family, and I have never seen my parents argue.
He argues in front of our kids. He also comes to my personal space and shouts in my face each time we have a disagreement.
Now he tries to talk to me, sending me sms that we should do reconciliation sex, texting he can’t sleep.
This is what he does: it gradually comes back as if nothing happens, and we carry on like that and then ST next month or next.
He doesn’t give me affection or ask for sex because he said i push him away when he requests or tries to give me affection. He also doesn’t sleep in our bed.
He watches TV, then comes to the room at 3am or 4am and requests for sex, which I told him, it doesn’t work for me. It’s okay if it’s once in a while but being a pattern in our marriage, no.
I don’t think I want to continue this way.
You have spelled out almost my exact situation. My kids are all grown and have families of which I’m happy and I’m grateful to see them fairly frequently. But my marriage is not good at all. I should have left years ago but didn’t. Now it’s too late and I’m trapped financially since I’m retired.
I have been married 41 years and have had to deal with the silent treatment off and on our whole marriage. I cry a lot and pray everyday for our marriage and my husband. Please ladies keep me in your prayers as well I will pray for you all 😢
You are writing my life I agree with you 100%. I pray that things will change but they don’t ND I’m 69 going on 70 to old to leave and start over don’t have any other family
Can I ask if your son wishes you had left him? Have you talked about it?
This could be me. It has been a regular thing all through our relationship. It tears me apart but I’m learning a lot from these messages. It doesn’t help because he is alcohol dependent. I love him so much and don’t want to end our marriage, but I can’t live like this. Every time it happens a piece of me, and my love for him dies.
45 years and the same thing in my marriage. I actually left him and we were separated for 4 years and then reconciled. He did change after we got back together for quite a few years but things are going back to the way they were. I discovered that before we separated which was the worst time in our marriage, he was addicted to porn. After we got back together the silent treatment stopped until recently and now things have gone back to the way they were when we were younger.. Looking back I can say that it was stressors that made him the way he was. In the early years it was. Financial stress and stress of having a large family and me being a stay at home mom and all the financial burden was on him. Then in our middle years the kids were teens and we got back together and life was good, he was making more money then we could spend, no more porn and we were enjoying life. But now he has just retired and things are going back to the early days, I can see that it’s also stress once again as he recently retired and our income has gone down and he’s also bored and depressed and worried about being able to financially survive which I think our finances are fine he is never comfortable unless he has a lot of extra money each month. Just living pay check to pay check does not work for him. Anyway, whenever he is feeling stressed or there are problems and difficulities be it, financial or medical or sickness or stress of any kind I have noticed that he takes it out on me and blames me and gives me the silent treatment even though I had nothing to do with causing any of the problems, I’m just the punching bag to take it out on.
I am also not in a financial situation to leave him but I plan to continue to work and save as much money in a separate bank acct that I can in case I have to. My parents are very aged and I’m hoping to get a decent inheritance from them when they pass too. I will also put that in my separate bank acct. I may end up having to leave him in my golden years. .
Same–and reading the comments does not give me much hope that it will ever change. We are senior citizens and have only been married for two years. I can’t imagine staying in this relationship for 30 years with him giving me the silent treatment. I’m almost ready to end the marriage. He is a lovely, caring, and nice man when he is feeling good, but I can’t take the days and days of the silent treatment and blaming me by saying that I don’t know how to treat him. Good luck to everyone, it’s the worst feeling I have ever had, and it’s damaging to me.
100% feel you! 25yrs silent treatment on and off. Totally blame myself bc I should’ve walked first time. Before the kids were born. Now I have 3 teenagers to look out for and it’s not easy to leave especially when I don’t have earning capacity or any assets. If we split, i might regain my sanity but everyone loses financially.
I’m 8 years in, and I’m already exhausted. “I love him, but not like I want to.”, is the PERFECT way to put it. I’m in therapy and also finding my faith, which is difficult because he doesn’t believe in God or therapy thanks to his upbringing, but I refuse to stop doing either! The hardest part is watching him have more genuine concern for his coworkers and students than he ever has for myself or the kids. I literally had THREE surgical procedures that he wasn’t there for, but he was able to make it to the gun range while I was in the hospital. I’ve been diagnosed with cancer of the blood, and there’s been days where I can tell that he genuinely doesn’t care. One time while we were arguing he said that I should stop treatment (a.k.a. die). I’m 37, and I’ve accepted that I will most likely leave this earth without knowing what the love of a real man feels like, but I can live with that as long as my kids don’t turn out like him.
Your story sounds a lot like mine with my husband,, especially loving them but not like you want to .. And it does push you further away .
What can we do to fix this? I’m going through this too going on7 weeks now.
Yep you sound like me always praying thinking things are gonna get better and they never do the funny part is he can call our friends even women and talk to them for hours in front of me and his regular friends too. His sister and my daughter talks to everybody but me he can’t have a conversation with me at all without getting angry and screaming. I love him enough to want him to be happy, but obviously he doesn’t love me and wants to work the same for me. I believe it’s time to go, but we just moved to Florida three years ago and I really love my home. I want to be happy here but it’s not happening. It is very lonely. I know God loves me, but I am human and he is God and he’s not here to hold me.
Totally understand. It’s like a love/hate relationship sometimes. How can he be so nice sometimes and so mean the next time. I try my best just to keep quiet myself. It does give me some peace. Prayer really helps and sometimes when he decides it’s time to talk again, I say sorry I’m in the middle of prayer. I know that sounds mean but without prayer I could not withstand this mess.
Donnette.. sounds exactly what I’m dealing with right now and have been for the last 15 years and we’ve been married eight with a 4-year-old. Words hurt so bad, and to shut down and not speak to me for a week or longer and then think I want to be intimate with you when you’re ready it’s insanity. There was a time when he was really living right with the Lord, and me as well. Everything was great for short time…. but something so petty and minute turns into a huge mountain. I don’t think he’ll ever get better either.. I really thought things would be different since we got married and have a little girl but not much is really changed
It sounds like we are living parallel lives. I wish I had some good advice but I don’t.
I’m on the receiving end of the silent treatment right now by my boyfriend. I am sick with Covid and I had a fever and said something out of anger to him on the phone. He wasn’t checking on me during the day and it up det me. He has cut of call and texts and said he isn’t talking to me right now. It is so cruel! I’m sick and depending on him! I’m so alone and scared!
Get away as fast as you can
This will happen over and over as it has for me
It’s been 38 yrs
I’ve been married for 35 years and i thought my husband was the only one who’s done the silent treatment.
Will going to couples therapy help? I know it’s been a long time for you and your husband may be reluctant to go but would you advise that with someone who is just beginning to see this with their souse and have children together? Instead of walking away entirely? I would like to believe there is some hope out there for this.
I agree, it’s happened to me for 31.
Hello my 70 year old husband given me silent treatment it’s been since Thanksgiving he had a stomachache he upset because I didn’t comfort him I think he use that as leverage we been together a year but married 8 months he mailed me a letter telling me remember a year we dicuss our goals in life well put it this way it’s his way or no way s9 he said he will contact me dissoving our marriage he maid me this letter the beginning of Dec haven’t heard from yet I don’t want no divorce
He’s a boyfriend and you are not married or tied down with kids with him? I say, RUN!! and don’t look back.
I was diagnosed with breast cancer and was subjected to the silent treatment in the days leading up to and following my first chemo. I felt devastated by it even though this is the ‘norm’ concerning my partner’s behaviour. I’ve never told anybody, – I feel almost ashamed of it – it’s just too awful and unbelievable. It made the whole experience so lonely and incredibly dark. My body tolerated the chemo very badly too and I really wonder if it was the anxiety and stress relating to the silent treatment.
I’m very sorry to hear that there are so many people who have lived with this kind of behaviour for so long. I have had 10 years of this and it’s appalling.
I’m so sorry. When you needed support the most.. I know there’s hope. I have talked with mine about it some and it’s how he learned to “deal” with his feelings.. it’s crazy how if for instance his oldest hit a deer at age 16 when he was driving and he just broke down with her balling and he was able to comfort him through it but never when the child or him or the child’s mother has to be held accountable. Shame is the cause for so much. Brené Brown has wrote some great books about her years of research. I also follow Brianna McWilliams who talks about insecure attachment styles in relationships and if committed it’s possible with hard work to rewire your brain because that’s all it really is doing is unlearning what you learned. I have done it. I think what I feel bad about most is that it’s taking me so long to figure this out and because of that I’ve caused myself and my children unnecessary pain for over 5 years. Sorry I know I’m rambling and jumping around here but I guess I’m not trying to write a professional paper here. I appreciate this outlet and support from others with the same struggle so much. So glad I found this blog.
My concern is for the kids and day-to-day life. We are in a blended “family” although my kids and I basically just have to go along with whatever is going on in his life because my two kids don’t have another parent aside from my boyfriend of 6 years. So, although he has 50/50 custody and has been divorced for a decade, she is what they call a rolling Stone and avoidant as well as him and I have been an anxiously and disorganized insecurely attached until about 9 years ago when I took 4 years off from dating to get to know myself and understand why I date all these losers and so now I meet him and have what’s some therapist called earned secure and with his insecure attachment style as a either dismissive avoidant or conflict avoidant or both it’s extremely hard for me not to pick up old habits especially codependency traits. Which is perfect for a “victim”. Example, the ex will plan things like volunteering their 16 year old to go to prom with somebody in her town (its not even the school he goes to) who does not have a date and it’s our weekend (happening tonight). I’m tired of never being prioritized and although he hasn’t said this in a long time he used to say it it’s not a choice so if I ever have to choose between you or my kids it’s not a choice I choose them and I always tell him you’re right it’s not a choice they’re two completely different types of relationships and you should have boundaries in both and respect the different type of love both of them are however their wants should not come before my core relationship needs. That leaves me unsatisfied and with unmet needs and same with his children because I feel like there’s parental enmeshment.
Is the wife meant to always be left waiting? The cycle of endless doubts continues as he withdraws, leaving her in silence.
Plus having the load of making sure kids are okay not affected by the sitiation.
I really like the article because it is very educational. However, it would be nice if you could break the trend of always pitting the husband as the perpetrator. As you are aware it can go both ways!
The ST and other toxic behaviors like yelling, name calling and never apologizing are all too familiar behavior. Dealing with toxic behaviors are draining and it makes it almost impossible to have a close and intimate relationship. There’s no real friendship, trust or safety. There were many times I wanted to leave because of the emotional abuse, but I stayed because he was chronically unemployed and I didn’t know how I could support two separate households. I knew I’d have to pay him support. Also an attorney told me that I would likely have to share custody and pay child support since I was the primary earner. My husband was also toxic with our children so I didn’t want to split them with him without being around to run interference for them. There was no easy choice. It’s been a long and rough road. If you hope he will change—they don’t change. If you have a way out … take it!
I’m in my 3rd week of ST now from my husband but almost 15 years of marriage and i’m exhausted. You’ve named all the things i’ve said and done with my husband whose currently unemployed but studying and i’m fully paying for it. We are away from home for my work for over 3 years now and the last 3 years has been hell in addition to other years of similar ST back home. I have asked for forgiveness and wanted to talk about our problem but he did not respond, he still gave me the ST.
I’m sick of this relationship, though we’re both Christians and my husband thinks the only reason why he remains in this marriage because of his fear of God. Our last argument was about our finance, he wanted me to give him money to buy something that is not mandatory and its not a need of our family because i just paid his school fees amongs other urgent family needs so i did not want to spend more money on things that are not a need of our family. We do not have any children but we are currently looking after two young adult boys who have been with us in the last 4 years. One is my nephew and the other is my husband’s nephew. They are both good boys though. I just want to know if my husband’s attitude will ever change as I still love him and i want our marriage to work but i also do not want to go through another 15 years with ST and toxic behaviours. Please help
This is so true we where going to be a blended family it never happened we have been together 4 years and I’m treated like his dog. I would never treat my dogs the same I now understand why is dead wife drank herself to death. He was so nice for the 1st 18 months.
I can say from 10 plus years this is not just men. I get this at least once a week. All i do is try to speak have an adult chat about life etc. I feel like if its not what she wants to hear or if iv even hit a nerve thats it anger, upset storms off and lucky if i get a word in 24 hours, usually a text. As a rule i end up apologising for basically speaking and we trundle on to the next round. Fed up feeling like walking on egg shells id rather it just be out in the open and discussed. Can it be saved or is it for the sake of ohr child all this?
I’ve been married 30 yrs. And my kids are grown, but for a good part of those yrs. I have been on the receiving end. I’m 67 yrs old, and not divorcing at this age! I have recently starting telling my husband ,”Let’s talk. Our communication is not good!” I came from a very dysfunctional family. I try real hard to “Fix people’s problems.” About a yr ago, my elderly dad went in a nursing home. He was not happy at all abput it! After awhile, I realized that I was taking on his unhappiness, wanting to fix it! And I realized that I can’t! It was wisdom from Hod! I’m not Hod! I can’t make everyone happy! And that includes my husband. His family was dysfunctional too. I never dreamed tho, that he saw himself as a victim. I am hoping that I can do as the article says, with lots of prayer, and doing what I need to do, when he goes ves me the silent treatment. Walking away, and saying”ok, when you are ready to talk, we can.” He recently said yes to marriage counseling. We have had a lot of problems lately, and I am glad he said yes to counseling. Thanks for reading, and thanks yo the lady who wrote this article! Very helpful! Peace!
I meant God, not Hod! Sorry!
I wish I knew the answer to this problem. My husband’s favorite thing to do is the silent treatment. It’s a punishment and sometimes I don’t even know why! It’s been going on for 40 years. It still bothers me but I don’t get upset anymore I just go about my business but it still hurts!!!
Have you ever asked him why he does it?
I have asked my h during the silent treatment “Why aren’t you talking?” My h has stated that he doesn’t want to “get in trouble” he’s afraid of saying something wrong. Thats just another way of turning it the abuse around and blame me for his negative behavior.The real reason is what you said Leslie.
“The person who chooses the silent treatment as a pattern of behavior operates out of a victim mindset. A victim mindset believes he is powerless to bring about change and blames circumstances (or other people) for how he feels. He is hurt or angry about something but refuses, to be honest, and talk about what’s bothering him. He will not do the work of expressing his feelings, stating his needs, negotiating a compromise, understanding another person’s perspective and moving towards a solution and reconciliation of the relationship or even of ending the relationship. Instead, he manipulates, punishes and attempts to control the other person through protracted silence.” playing the victim in the marriage gets him off the hook. Nothing is ever his fault. Makes so much sense to me now. Thank you
Oh. My. Gosh!! Yes!!! Or when you respond it’s “see this is why I can’t say anything”. I feel like it’s my head that’s messed up. I’ve been going through this for 24+ years. I’m just tired.
Me too!! So tired ! 26 years ! The last instance day before yesterday he gave me the ‘treatment’ for 8 hours because apparently he didn’t like how I told him where a certain kind of cheese was in the grocery store! It’s always something so silly like this. He will finally spew it out and point out all my character flaws and then some. I don’t know what to do. I can’t afford to move out. I’ve been looking at the numbers for days. He is very controlling about money as well. I’m 70 years old and I feel like my health and life have been drained by trying and trying with this man. I told him that every time he does that he chips away at our marriage and I want to leave but he didn’t seem too concerned.
I get this reply too, every single time “this is why I don’t say anything “ .. and I feel the same way you do !! Like something is really wrong with me. It’s shaken up my self belief tremendously!!
Leslie, I’d like to know why these men do this. The description of the silent treatment, moodiness (especially right before big family plans like a vacation), the drama (I’m never going on a trip again, I’m selling the camper, I’m not going, etc) sounds like my continual life. Is there a diagnosis for this type of behavior?
Passive aggressive behavior or covert abuse. George Simon’s book on Character Disorders may help you here, these are very different problems but look similar on the surface. It takes a wise therapist to discern the difference.
Is it the book entitled Character Disturbance?
I very much resonated with the comments and your description. My husband goes in 4-6 month cycles. He is almost like clockwork in his blow up and silence. He does this at almost every family event or vacation. It ruins my ability to enjoy time with the family. If I begin a discussion and ask him to contribute to resolving the conflict, he will simply blame me for something that I said that hurt him. When I try to explain that he misunderstood my intention or even if I apologize for not being more clear in my words. I did not intend for him to take it the way he did… he will still play victim and continue to blame me… adding on he works hard and does so much for everyone and no one cares about him and how he feels. He will often throw in nasty comments to try to trigger me into arguing more. I am exhausted with this and don’t know what else to do. He sees a therapist, but uses it like a shield. He tells me it must be my fault that he has to give me silence, because his therapist agrees with him… it is my fault. It’s horrible to live with . We’ve been married 35 years , have separated twice because of this behavior. He will stop for some time when we are separated and shows me what a wonderful man he is , but eventually we end up back in this cycle. I’m about done…
My husband & I have been married for 3yrs.Suddenly eversince his maternal grandpa died he is quite.He started being quiter,ignorant and silent towards me.and it’s on and off.I kept nagging him for same mistake for past 3months as he isn’t fixing.But he thinks he tried fixing and I’m not grateful.He now is silent and wants to stop talking to me at all.he want me to be quite and do absolutely nothing.And says he will fix and snap out on his own.Before that I shouldn’t approach as he is quite for my deeds he claims.
I lived this way for years. He treated me as a non person. My ex husband stopped speaking to me the first time when I was pregnant with my second child. It was torture. I should have left him then. It went on for 8 months. He did this periodically throughout our marriage. 2 years was his personal best. Divorce is the best answer. I highly recommend it.
I lived this way for years. He treated me as a non person. My ex husband stopped speaking to me the first time when I was pregnant with my second child. It was torture. I should have left him then. It went on for 8 months. He did this periodically throughout our marriage. 2 years was his personal best. Divorce is the best answer. I highly recommend it.
It is the most do thing to deal with in a marriage. The level of immaturity especially among men can lead to divorce. Most often the issue is nothing really big and can be solved easily if someone will just open up and be ready to listen. The most annoying part is they usually cause the problems and when you vent, like you rightly stated in the article, they make you the bad guy. It is a trap. They never admit they’re wrong, they only pick on your reaction and then punish you based on what they know you need. They know what they are doing is hurtful but they have a huge capacity to stay silent and punish you but have a weak potential to communicate and resolve conflict. Such weak personalities should not even think of marriage.
Michelle
As for me as a man is very very sad. It has also become a pattern every time after we visit my mother things don’t go well for weeks.
The danger is things get messy, we don’t fight but it is not nice to be given silent treatment and worse for me in the presence of her older sisters we stay with.
No, good night , good morning, and the food is ready your food ends up be brought to you by your child.
It is tough since 12 October I have been given that 12 November is around the corner it will be a month now and it has never be so long.
Please help my 9 years marriage is dying.
Sadly, I’ve experienced this quite a bit. Once he went an entire month without talking to me. At first, it bothered me until over the years I’ve learned just to go on as if he’s not around when he’s in his mood. I will not subject myself to that kind of treatment from anyone – even though he’s almost 15 years older than I am. He still acts like he’s a child. So I totally understand. But I will NOT tolerate it. So I just move on with my life, go to work, go out with my friends, do whatever I have to do until he decides to grow up – which is never !
I came here only to realise am not alone,sorry to all of you going through this,its the most hurtful thing ever,hope we can all take power for ourselves and get through this or leave one day,I shall continue keeping the faith but am worried for my little kids and what they are growing up seeing.mine is 10 years older and will act like I do not exist talk to everyone else in the house and freeze me out completely, easter is coming up i don’t know what to do,now that I look back I realise that this has been happening for the last 10years in our marriage. Am starting to look for an exit plan I cannot live like this for the rest of my life.
My situation is even more entrenched. Every happy plan for celebrating us is sabotaged. My spouse never starts a talk about his feelings or problem he has taken too far. He has only started 2 conversations in our marriage of 50 years. He has left issue after issue after issue laying bloody and dying in the space between us. He goes around dark and silent then acts nice and considerate without any resolution or apology. The cycle is entrenched and he hasn’t grown emotionally. He committed spiritual and emotional suicide when he punished me by having an affair. No explanation no therapy nothing to repair any part of us. I feel nothing from him but false acting. He told me right after our second child was born that I was the worst mistake he ever made. I did not have the skills to leave. I own my efforts to fix the problems in him that were used to justify his bad acts. I own the fact that I stayed. Now I am 69 years old.
Michelle, I’m in love with a woman who was in an abusive relationship for 26 years. She’s a caring, loving woman who is generally happy. However, whenever we get into an argument or disagreement, which many times stems from her insecurity about our relationship, she becomes very difficult to speak to. She brings up things I’ve told her in confidence about my prior marriage and twists them to make me the bad person. She accuses me of wanting to go back to my ex wife, tells me to leave, avoids any logic or truth in what we’re discussing and accepts very little accountability for what she says or does. Most recently, I told her I’m very happy with her and love her (I am and I do) but I’m unhappy that she insists she knows I’m not happy and I don’t love her. She doesn’t recognize that her continued assumptions are emotionally exhausting for me despite my pleas that they are. I know she loves me but these dark, depressive, uncompromising moods she gets in are so difficult to deal with. I know my anger at times doesn’t help but even when I take a timeout im accused of not caring. What can I do? Thank you.
Hi, im actually asking Leslie a question….this was written 10 yrs ago, would you still say, now in 2026, that ” …and really see what is happening so you can find some compassion for him. How? Remember, he is unable to express himself in a good way, so his typical way is to shut down and be silent.:
Im surprised at this, considering how many men purposely use the silent treatment as a way of manipulating their wife. I agree that we need to have compassion in our interactions with everyone, but is this the most important thing here? Feeling like some of the older responses need to be redone, as they seem a bit confusing to read now!
I am so glad to have found this website!! I too have struggled for 44years with a husband who continues to give me the silent treatment. I realise now it is something I have to accept as he doesn’t know what else to do. Ashley’s comment about ‘seeing his silence as an invitation to protect her peace’, is one of the best things I have learnt. If my security is all tied up in my relationships I would never enjoy life. When I find security in my identity as a dearly loved child of God and I make a point of doing things that I enjoy and not letting his hostility allow me to become emotionally unstable, then I am winning! It is still hard to do, things are never resolved, and it is unlikely I will ever get an apology, but I am getting more practice at focusing on how God sees me, instead of the blame and accusations. If the silent treatment doesn’t work on me, then he is less likely to keep doing it…
My ex husband used to give me the silent treatment. I learned from him that his mm used to do it to his dad and sometimes the whole family. It was a shock to me when I got married, I had not seen that before and I remember it being very painful and confusing.
The worst was when my ex refused to talk to me the first 4 days of a 7 day trip to Cuba.
Think the only way to deal with it is to operate in core strength like Leslie said.
Yes that’s true, and also Leonie you make an excellent point in that people who DO the silent treatment have usually learned it from family members who have done it to them. Yet we wonder when something done to us was so painful, why we would repeat it? It feels normal yet those of us who have had abusive pasts, have had the opportunity to see others who don’t act that way and we don’t have to REPEAT past abuse.
I think the hardest part of teasing out the snarls that come with destructive family relationships are my tendency to sympathize with the reasons that I know lie at the heart of the silent treatment given. I seem to get paralyzed by the grief- for all of us! It amazes me how distorted my feelings of over responsibility are. Each day I need to remind myself of the truth of who I am and Whose I am. It helps me to keep perspective. I know that when I was a little girl I knew I didn’t want to repeat the same patterns in the alcoholic home I grew up in. I tried so hard to be a godly wife and mother. I am so beyond grateful that Leslie has been educating and advocating for those of us in abusive relationships. It is very complex in the repetitive nature of learned behaviors. It is difficult but absolutely not impossible to break the cycles. I continue to pray for the strength and courage to make changes, to grow in self discipline, to not make excuses and to take responsibility for my life.
So tired!
Ive never done silent treatment, I apologize first.. he usually does silent treatment even when blatantly wrong..
…my spouse has a habit of tuning me out when I’m expressing my feelings and my issues
It doesn’t matter if I’m calm, he will take issues with whatever I’m saying and criticize my tone etc etc.
I’ve told him many times he can listen and acknowledge what I’m saying and that will be end of the conversation.. the other day during an argument he looked me dead in my face and said f*** you I said huh? And he said it again.
When we were dating he never cussed I expressed this a big no no for me.. years later we have a child he cusses me many times post partum.
..never apologizes I have to always be the one to make the first move and resolve it
I’m just tired and I’m currently not talking to him, because I don’t know how me speaking and asking him to listen warrants being disrespected so much. I’m ready to leave, but trying not act rashly. So best is not to talk to him at this point. Of course 3 days no apology
…he never apologizes first it’s always me. It’s been 8 years I’ve never done this.. but this time I just can’t continue to be treated like this. Maybe I’ll calm down and my ego will relax but I’m done talking to him about anything other than things that pertain to our child. He probably prefers is that way
I’m exhausted
I am guilty of using the silent treatment. After asking my spouse to discuss matters and hearing “whatever” or receiving apologies that are rote and insincere.” I retreat inside myself. If my spuse will not discuss the issues I bring up what’s the point of expending energy? I find the situation very frustrating. Am I playing the victim?
That’s a good question and kinda similiar to mine. My husband the past 6-7 years has changed A LOT and refuses to talk about anything and there are some major things and our family and kids are suffering greatly for it! He has some pat things he says and one of them is when I am trying to figure things out and can’t go on any longer without figuring it out – he says “it’s your mouth, it’s always your mouth – if you would just shut up everything would be fine” now mind you he has turned to alcohol and is very enotionally and verbally abusive, now cusses up a storm even in front of the kids, the family game to get along is to make fun of mom and all 5 kids will get into the act with him, he has a woman that has been an issue now for 5 years but since his “penisisnt out” he isn’t doing anything wrong…. Etc, he has blocked me on Facebook and passcoded me out of his phone with her number and so much more (soft porn pics saved…) BUT I am not “allowed” to say anything. So sometimes I dont … Maybe it’s because it’s often the only time he will wonder what he has done and ask or because he will sometimes accept that he may have done something wrong briefly but as soon as I say anything … Nope. So why say anything? I am MORE than willing to talk and figure things out, but he just does NOT want that & if we do it never ends well. ???? so then we both end up not talking to each other and he withholds not just words, but love, affection, and sex. It’s the most lonely place to be- right by & with the person you love but who is not with you. It seems worse than dead sometimes because the cycle of grief starts but never finishes unless you choose to finish the relationship but yet you just don’t believe in doing that especially with kids. And he knows that and has even said “you won’t go, you won’t do anything” . And truly, it’s hard to go anywhere with 5 kids AND since 3 are teenagers – they probably wouldn’t choose to come with me and it’d be a fight because dad lets them do whatever.
Oh, so he doesn’t want to respond to your questioning him on reality? It is difficult to talk to someone who only wants you to see his version of reality and ignore what he wants you to ignore…and certainly don’t make an issue of his sin.
Yes you are right. It’s impossible to grow without receiving feedback from others. Your husband has said he wants no feedback on himself from you – which makes him a fool as the BIble describes.
So what if the other person is so indifferent towards you that you just stop talking because you’re tired of talking to yourself? But deep down its kind of out of anger and pain.
Get out and find some good friends who love and validate you. We are not meant to live in isolation. God himself said “It is not good for man or woman to be alone” If you have an indifferent spouse, find real people who are not indifferent towards you and have relationship with them.
Would it be helpful for you to read what you just wrote? What if this were another woman? Because all I can think is why are you putting up with this? You don’t have to!
Sounds like a terrible place to be. And why are you still with him when he doesn’t really want to be a husband to you? Does he want you as the family maid? Babysitter? Yes it’s lonely, insulting, degrading. What might you do differently here, so you are not a helpless victim of his indifference and cruelty? What might you need to do differently with your children who are following in his footsteps?
So, why are you still there? He is teaching the kids to perpetuate this kind of relationship. It certainly isn’t healthy for them to see all this. Matt. 5:28 shows that he is already committing adultery, so you do have the grounds to leave him, according to scripture. I believe that you need to see just how unhealthy this is for everybody.
I just read your very old comment about your husband’s behavior. My husband sounds similar. This cycle of hurt and grief that doesn’t end is truly difficult.
Have you stayed in your marriage?
This is a marriage that you need to leave. Get out. That’s my advice.
You are trapped with a demon. You must leave without fear and set a good example for your children. Resolve to NEVER let a horrible man like that near you again and model calm, healthy behaviour for the kids. Never get angry with the kids, only calm consequences for bad behaviour. If some of the kids seem to gravitate more to him despite his bad energy then maybe thats their karma to work through in this life and out of your control. Your job is to look after yourself and set a good example for your children. This demon is feeding from you. If a man was doing this to your daughter you would want her to leave him.
Dee, you are not playing the victim bc you are not being quiet to punish him. Like Leslie said, there are different reasons for being silent. I totally relate to what you said especially the part of expending so much energy. I am SO tired of being emotionally wiped out. My H was out of town for 7 days and it was wonderful. When he’s here, there’s always 2 factors to consider in every decision. 1) what’s the best, most reasonable thing to do here? and 2) what will H think about this?
It’s ridiculous that in parenting decisions I make I don’t only have to consider what’s best for my child but also ‘would this make their dad angry?’ Even little things that are relatively unimportant must be thought of to keep him from growling at us. How pitiful is it that I should have to live with anxiety over keeping the TV remote where he can find it!?!
I totally understand you needing to withdraw.
Well said Ruth.
I came here because I’m not able to talk to my boyfriend about anything he does to upset me without him getting defensive, bringing up things I’ve done to hurt him, saying he doesnt feel appreciated etc. It usually ends in him storming off and giving me the silent treatment for hours, which traps me in pain. He then wants me to act like nothing happened, which is obviously fake and unhealthy. It doesn’t matter how gentle or careful I try to be. The latest “argument” happened because i mentioned a story i was working on and he said nothing, no interest. I told him I found his silence hurtful and that was enough to blow the lid on his can of worms. I then had to explain for ages why it was hurtful only to experience all of the above. He has gone to work so I need to decide how to handle things tonight when he gets home. If I’m honest with myself I need to leave him. I’m suppressing so much rage from years of abuse, disrespect and emotional torture from men. It’s also intellectual torture because they are so stupid and don’t understand basic psychology, and this one is a mental health nurse! It’s making me wonder are all men demonic programs and is this a loosh farm where female emotion is harvested until we free ourselves and “pass the test”. (I’m half joking because I know women can be demonic too). And it’s frustratingly tedious to have to bear witness to them repeating the same bad behaviours over and over. I’m starting after just over a year to reach that blessed point where his behaviour is putting me off him to the extent that it will be easier to leave him. Its hard because I was abused in a past relationship for 7 years by a narcissistic alcoholic, and my current BF is nowhere near as bad as THAT, but I know in my heart he is still too toxic, unintelligent and immature for me. It makes me so sad and frustrated reading the terrible treatment (mostly) women on here are suffering because of these demonic (mostly) male entities. We are being tested to step into our power and learn to PROTECT ourselves. I know it feels difficult but after you leave you won’t understand how you stayed so long. Do you want to be a source of food for a hideous monster? Is that what you would want for your daughter? Stop betraying yourself and your inner child and get ready to step into your POWER. Use the demon to learn how to reject evil and FREE YOURSELF. I realise this is difficult where money, property and kids are involved, but your health is the most important thing. This is a test. You’ve got this. Say NO to demonic entiries disguised as men (or women) that feed on our emotions.
Dee I think there is a difference between playing the victim and accepting the reality that he will not have a conversation with you about things. Then you should not beg, or knock your head against the wall trying to get him to talk. However, if he chooses to discuss something with you, I hope you would NOT give him the silent treatment.
This is currently happening now with my husband and goes on constantly. 14 years of this silent treatments and retreats to other level of the house. We don’t sleep together the last 11 years and have a 12 year old. He is 63 and I am 57. It is a soul killer and a relationship killer. I am tired and ready to get out. There are other behaviors like screaming and lecturing with lots of swearing, name calling, blaming, shaming me and just abusive controlling stuff. There is no helping my narcissist husband. Ta Ru
Probably not. So what do you need to do to help yourself Ta Ru?
Leslie….at my church the leadership would say ’embrace this prison and time of suffering for you as God in His sovereignty had appointed for you.’ Without the support of the church, I fear what the spouse would do regarding my teenage children with that lack of support to turn their hearts against me as being rebellious to that authority. Many churches counsel this theological view. Please offer your insight. It is a terrifying place to be when trying to make decisions about how to proceed.
Remedy, I would love for Leslie to respond to this, too.
The apostle Paul said that God has called us to peace in our marriages. 1 Corinthians 7:15.
If there is no peace in your home than it’s not God’s will.
Any church that preaches disempowerment of women or people in general has an agenda which runs contrary to humanities wellbeing and evolution. A good church would preach that God is testing you. You pass the test by stepping into your POWER, not embracing the role of eternal victimhood and accepting suffering as your lot. When I faced male demons and freed myself from their negative influence by focusing on my power through my joy and sense of humour God showed me a beautiful golden spiral on my ceiling as a reward. We are here to either feed demons or learn to step into our power and transmute negative energy to positive energy, which makes demons deflate like balloons (we inflated). You decide.
I have been reading what all of these people say and it is my life right now. I am 76 my partner 72 been together 5years and this is an on going thing with shorter good times in between. At my wits end
And it’s funny how they’re upset enough to ostracise us but not enough to stop eating the food we cook & make their own or stop wearing the clothes we clean & do their own etc !
You read my mind with this one!
Ok. I see a whole different side of the term silent treatment. This for me is not about “discussing” an issue. Silent treatment at my house is when I ask my husband a question and he doesn’t look at me or respond to my question. It means I call him and he doesn’t take my call. It means I text him a question and he doesn’t respond to my text. I call “dinner is ready” and kids come to the table but he ignores me then when we are done eating and putting food away he says”why didn’t anyone say diner was ready?” The girls look at him in shock and say,” mom told you three times and you ignored her” to which he respond, I didn’t hear her.
You are not alone. I have learned over the years painfully to continue inviting into relationship but recognizing I can only do my part. I don’t beg or plead as I used to. I prepare meals, have groceries in the house that he can serve himself if he so chooses. My husband often does not eat food I prepare when I do make something and accuses me that there is nothing in the house if I haven’t made anything. This is also a way he tries to manipulate and frustrate my efforts. Self care and care for your daughters is what is important now. Continue to make lovely meals for you and your daughters. My husband works from home wish often magnifies the interactions. I have started to play peaceful music in the kitchen or wherever I happen to be in my house, it has become my “companion” it keeps the eyes of my heart on God and often diffuses the anger and frustration that arises out of the pain of being ignored. It is hard to be treated this way in front of your children. I have a 16 year old son who I know is picking up these behaviors but I find that there is a measure of respect growing as I live as respectful to him and respectful of myself-keeping my dignity. As far as it depends upon me I will live at peace. It took a lot of time and practice to allow myself the “permission” to not feel false guilt around letting go. In AlAnon I learned the three C’s…I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it. It has helped me to Let go and let God. These are just a few of the thoughts that came to me as I can very much relate to your particular experience. The best thing you can do for yourself and your children is to live your own life without malice, showing yourself compassion and praying for compassion for your husband. Sin is a sickness that expresses itself in many ways. We have a daily reprieve based upon our dependance on God and His faithfulness. I am praying today for both of us to have wisdom and confidence in our relationships.
Reading your message is very inspiring. Thank you. A sense of peace washed over me as I read. I do desire to live at peace. Your words are wise and I appreciate your affirming story.
Love those 3 c’s. Important truths in an easy way to remember.
I love the 3 C’s. Hearing them was a total revelation to unlocking the part of my brain that told me everything was my responsibility. Very freeing.
Help. I have been married to this man for 8 years now. I’m a clumsy and a very very forgetful person. Now I know I’m not the best communicator myself but when being attacked and yelled at I have a hard time responding which makes things worse. Everytime I make a mistake he Comments you don’t care about this family and gives me the silent treatment if not he explodes and tells me horrible things and I just have to go to another room and I cry but when I do I’m still the one to blame because the mistake was my fault so why am I crying about it and trying to “play victim” if I act normal it’s just the silent treatment. I go about my day act normal I would cook him breakfast he won’t eat it and make himself something else to eat. I’ll lay out his work clothes he’ll ignore it and grab ones himself and if I get his lunch he will just leave it home. Saying everything is to hard for you i dont need ypu so don’t do anything for me. When we eventually talk I’m always having to apologize for my behavior and what I’m going to be doing to fix it. That I’m the manipulative person with my fake crying and that if I ever said anything of course he would be made out to be the bad guy cuz it would only be from my perspective and they wouldn’t see how much I put him through with my laziness and forgetfulness. That I’m the abusive one
Yes it’s a control tactic and it is abusive. It is highly unnerving to live with someone who totally ignores your words and voice.
This was my experience as well. In his case he didn’t do it because of a victim mentality but as a means to control. He knew very well how it ate at my soul when he would act as though I weren’t in the room. Sometimes he’d give me the silent treatment when he didn’t like what I said…other times he’d do it when we were seemingly having a good time (which in retrospect we actually weren’t…it was a skillfully conducted part of a play he was acting to facilitate crazy making).
I agree that there are those who resign to the ST due to a low relational IQ but there are others (like my ex) who did it solely as a means of effective crazy making and manipulation.
Thanks Valerie. You’re right, it’s a means of covert abuse.
Why are there no resources or even scenarios mentioned online for men experiencing this? I don’t know where to turn. And as a man it seems like no one will really believe you. For all the comments I’ve seen from women that follow a pretty solid pattern, it’s making me feel like there’s something wrong with me. I feel like my wife and I are flipped in the stereotyped relational roles of man and wife. I always wanted to communicate, have deep intimacy and connection, eye contact when talking. She wanted to place burdens on of uncommunicated expectations. Rules that I didn’t know existed. Then when not met, scary even menacing blowups, abandonment, and silent treatment. It only ended when I initiated and took blame for her behavior. I thought I was being humble and being like Christ by biting the bullet. When I’d finally react to her aggression, all we’d focus on was my reaction. Coming out of that was surreal. Hard to explain. Like stepping out of a different reality. But why aren’t there any other stories of males being the empathetic relational types? Feels pretty lonely out here.
Dan, I think there are some resources for men who find themselves in this situation. When you “react” to her aggression, you will be blamed. That’s why it’s so important that you learn to do your own work so that you don’t play into that situation over and over again. What ends up happening is that you can start to look as abusive and unhealthy as the abusive individual is. Biting the bullet might be a noble solution once in a while, but when it becomes the pattern, know it’s not wise, not for you, for her or for your relationship. I’d encourage you to find someone you can get some help from, a therapist, pastor, coach, and I’d also encourage you to check out Co-Dependents Anonymous groups near you. When we keep trying to fix, or “love” the other person who has no interest in changing, we are putting energy into something God does not ask us to do.
Are you sure he doesn’t really have a hearing problem?
JoAnn, I’m not sure if your question is directed at me or someone who posted previously. If its directed at me I can tell you he actually does have a hearing problem. He filters hearing anything he doesn’t want to hear. Selective hearing. And it IS a problem. Physically he can hear perfectly. I thank my Sovereign God that He revealed his narcissism and I got free. I will no longer have people in my life who have selective hearing.
You just described my life. There is nothing to bump up against, to discuss or even to avoid. His presence is like complete nothingness. He comes and goes as he pleases, talks when it suits him and ignores everyone as he feels like it. It’s like having a boarder who isn’t obligated to engage as long as he pays the rent. Avoids all responsibility by simply saying, “I didn’t hear her” “I didn’t receive your text, email, phone call…” Weird and lonely as all getout.
The same goes on here. I’m a single parent except when he wants to have fun and play versa with her for his own boredom. He ignores me 99% in the same house.
The silent treatment has been used on me by my adult child. She has used my grandchildren as further tools of the silent treatment. VERY hurtful! I have tried to pursue a relationship in a needy way on my end. It really ended up putting me in “harms way.” What a mess.
When I stopped that – it was hard – and freeing! – it allowed me to start to live my life without constantly thinking of that situation and my precious grandchildren. I started to live a bit, then a bit more, I knew I was right there available to them and it was not my choice, but it was my ADULT child’s choice. Recently, my child has allowed me to start to have my grandchildren. To be honest I am a bit wary. No a lot wary of the possibility of being totally hurt again and the children. I am uncertain how to proceed in this relationship as she has not discussed the problem at all. So the children become the playing pieces…ughhh.
I am so glad you decided not to beg but went on with your life. At some point you may want to say to your daughter something like, ” I love having a relationship with your children and thank you for allowing that to resume. However, it makes me uncomfortable that we haven’t talked about why you cut me off from the kids in the first place and I don’t want to cycle in and out of their lives if you happen to be upset with me. I want to respect your boundaries that our relationship is on the rocks right now, but I’m also asking you to put aside your own personal feelings and put the best interests of your kids in the forefront. If it’s in their best interests for me to be in their lives then I respectfully ask that whatever is going on with us, not negate that from now on.”
It’s honestly blatant abuse without physical. It is demeaning and wrong and I can’t believe God expects us to be abused emotionally mentally psychologically or verbally. To refuse to engage or interact with your own wife spouse and withholding on purpose with all the head games is torturing someone. I’ve tried everything to get my husband to see the light. Nothing works with a narcissist. We can never do enough. I’m showing my daughter what it’s like to be treated by a spouse in a relationship. Not right.
You’re right, so what do you need to show your daughter now?
I just realized. I Am guilty of using this form of victim abuse. I use the excuse I am just “trying to hold back” my true feelings. and it’s really an abusive form of manipulation. I’ve only been newly married 6 months (after a betrayal divorce and long healing of 10 yrs ) so I am thankful this article has arrived today in my email. We are committed Christians and we love each other so much but when I feel jealous of his relationships with certain others, I tend to withdraw out of shame, cant express the truth to him.
He always asks me if there’s something wrong did he do something to hurt me? So I don’t know how to express my insecurity and some other feelings that may be legitimate at least in my own heart. So I am filled with shame and tell him “nothing really I just need time with the lord to work through some things.” I try to act normal but I shut down emotionally and can’t connect with him nor want to at this time. I need help!! Any advice, my husband is not deserving of my actions.
Maybe it would help you to write about your feelings first, then you could talk to him more easily. I find that really helps.
I grew up in a home as an only child with an alcoholic father. I have many memories of the “silent treatment” where either my father would not speak to my mother but would speak to me or at other times neither of my parents would speak to me but they would to each other. And then there were times when no one spoke to anyone. These episodes or whatever you want to term them usually lasted quite a while, several weeks at least. These are very painful memories especially being an only child and not having anywhere to turn outside of my immediate family. It felt like an extremely cruel form of punishment for an unknown crime.
I agree. I’m sorry you dealt with that. It’s in my household with my narcissist husband. My 12 year old is the only child as her other siblings are much older and adults on their own. It’s abuse.
Whenever my xh would hurt me and i would call him on it i would get the silent treatment. It usually ended when i would apologize for calling him out on the carpet. He rarely apologized, and never specifically for his behavior toward me. One time i kicked him out for shoving me. He refused to acknowledge that what he did was wrong. When i finally told him i wanted to reconcile the sutuatiin and that i did want him in the house with me, he just came back andbstarted sleeping in my bed with no apology. When he finally filed for divorce, i asked him why- he said he thought i was going to divorce him first.
They always have to win even in who filed first. Classic narcissism.
>”. . . While with them I try to stay off social media so I give them lots of undivided attention.” . . . . . —Good for you. That is excellent and the right thing to do, for sure.
>”. . . Or, have you been one who has been silent, refusing to talk about what’s wrong?” . . . . . I never have the problem of refusing to talk, my issue is the reverse. I don’t relish problems at all but I am more than willing to talk about any of them. I want to make amends and undo any wrong I have done. I despise unresolved situations. . . .I also see defensiveness, usually as a silent screaming that the need to be valued and respected has come into play. When you look for deeper meanings behind someone’s pain you can then maybe begin to heal not only yourself, but maybe others too.
>”. . . Friends, what do you do when you have been at the receiving end of the silent treatment? If so, what has this blog taught you?” . . . .I try to be proactive and I absolutely love this statement: “. . . . “I am happy to discuss what’s wrong when you are ready to talk about this, just let me know.” It is kind and gentle and open. . . . . And pray with your spouse —that just softens everything. We pray lots, every single day together. . . . . But, but, but I know lots of stuff we deal with here is just like off the DSM-5-style charts: Tries to prevent partner from having contact with friends and family. Tries to prevent partner from leaving home. Prevents partner from using the car. Refuses to talk to partner for days (i.e., silent treatment). Makes partner account for time. Jealous of partner’s time spent with other individuals. Discourages partner from obtaining further training or education. . . . Oh my, that is serious, serious stuff and may take other measures. I just don’t know. . . . When I hear things like that I want to say that the only person that deserves a special place in your life is someone that never made you feel like you were an option in theirs. . . . .Anyways, I really believe that even insignificant issues ignored today can spawn tomorrow’s catastrophes. I also turn lots over to God, obviously He promises that I will see the big picture in the hereafter. —Yeah, that is very hard for me at times to believe because I do want to honor whatever intelligence God has given me. . . .but maybe nothing is too small to be a mistake. . . . With God, I don’t do the silent treatment, passive aggressive, way to gain attention instead of just communicating thing either. Oh my, do I let Him know what I am thinking (—I know He knows.) I do process my your true feelings and let them settle before telling Him (—I know He already knows), but acting like everything is fine never helps the situation.
My daughter does the same thing and more. I go months before I see my grandson and then she is in crisis and she calls and I get my grandson for a night or two. Then the cycle begins again. So frustrating.
I have been getting the silent treatment from my step-mom who has been distancing herself from me since my father passed away several years ago and has not communicated with me at all this past year since I attempted to separate from my husband. I don’t know why and I don’t know how to respond to the situation. She at least acknowledged my daughter recently with a card, but won’t respond to cards or letters I’ve sent or return phone messages I have left for her. It really hurts because I love her and thought that she genuinely cared for me. I just wish I could have the opportunity to correct anything I may have done to offend her, but that can’t happen if I don’t know what the problem is. Any suggestions? Just write if off and walk away?
I’m worried about my husbands anger and reactions daily. I live totally in bondage here about it with our daughter. He is explosive and full of anger. It’s no way to live. It’s not if God. I’m getting out.
I believe the silent treatment, especially when accompanied by glaring, is intended to humiliate the recipient. It is corrosive and contemptuous.
Yes it is.
It’s meant to harm abs abusive. It’s psychological and mental abuse which can be worse than physical abuse.
I’m in the same situation I’ve just tried to speak to my husband and his answer is it’s your fault, you are horrible to me always having a go. So his response is silent treatment has been for years no talking to discuss it. I’m tired and had enough not even married 4 years and it’s such a regular occurrence
. . .it is a bad form of emotional abuse, no doubt. . . . because it makes you feel like a non-person, who is not valued or cared about. . . . And it is all about control. . . And it is a form of torture from someone that has professed they love us. . . . You say, ”I love you,” but will not address these demand-withdraw patterns??? . . . .You gave me the key to your heart? . . .Then why do you make me constantly knock? . . . I think you get hit the hardest when trying to run or hide from a problem. Putting all that focus on evading issues (via the silent treatment) is just asking to be blindsided.
Last June 2015 I spoke with my husband about consequences. I explained as his ezer (helper) it was my role to fight for his spiritual growth, not remain passive. I learnt this from Leslie’s books “The emotionally destructive marriage”, “The emotionally destructive relationship”, “How to act right when your spouse acts wrong” & through reading her blogs. I told him that I had contributed to the breakdown of our relationship by being too soft & would be initiating consequences for his actions as they were unhelpful for our relationship. He laughed & brooded but I remained resolute. (I have also had counselling on and off for over 7 years which has helped me grow strength – at the start of that journey of counselling that time frame looked daunting, but this side of 7 years I can see the wisdom in that)
In August 2015 I was lent a book called Love & Respect by Dr Emerson Eggerichs & after reading that book, I left my husband a series of notes & letters to say 10 ways I respect him (I only got to 8 because he said they confused him). I also tried to be more attentive to his needs & show more interest in his work by asking questions. I tried to initiate sex (he complained I never took the lead) for 12 months – he rejected me every time saying he wanted to show me what it felt like.
In September 2015, he moved out of our bedroom explaining that he needed space. He regularly went out without saying when he would be home or where he was going. Our 4 children were confused as to why this was all happening. I kept a note in my bathroom vanity Luke 6:27 “ Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28 bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.”
My husband said he needed me to apologise for something that hurt him deeply from 2014 and after attending a one day course run by Peacewise I learnt of the 7 steps to apology and fully apologised for the hurt I had caused as the Bible instructs us to “Go and be reconciled” Matt 5:23-24 (even though I felt justified in my behaviour at the time).
My husband said he was too bitter to forgive & would not return to the bedroom. He said I could not come in at the 11th hour & make up for the pain.
I left lavender by his pillow in the new bed he had chosen to sleep, poems trying to remind him of our earlier love, gave him space, sent him messages on his phone affirming my respect for him. Sent him pictures of my wedding ring & our wedding day. Photos of outings with the children he was missing out on.
Returning to counselling reminded me to ask, “Is his behaviour reasonable?” I explained to him that I would allow him all the space he needed but if he stays in the house, he needs to let me know where he is going & when he will be coming home.
He said he had decided to move out as he could see it was causing me pain & did so the following week, the day after our daughter’s birthday.
He refused to disclose his new address (only supplying the suburb), said he would come over once a week for dinner with the family & went away in January of this year for a period of 17 days with no contact at all and vague info about where he was. During that period I had my credit card decline over and over & service providers trying to collect.
On his return, he said he was willing to forgive me the grudge he was holding against me & wanted to reconcile.
I told him that I had been hurt and could not trust his words anymore and needed to see actions that showed a willingness to change.
I promised under God to love and to cherish, better or worse, till death us do part – I believe God can change hearts (perhaps he has hardened my husband’s heart) & in time, this may happen, and I believe my husband is not familiar with my new strength – he tries intimidation & playing nice sometimes within the same day – but I know that I cannot return back to the old dance.
He even tried to intimidate me with telling the truth when I said I was trying to work on my commitment to the truth (based on Leslie’s CORE). Luckily only a few days before, I watched The Hiding Place (Corrie ten Boom) & it struck me that Corrie’s family were committed to the truth and reality of what was happening to their fellow citizens during Nazi occupation. They did not bury their heads in the sand. When the Nazi’s demanded of them “Where are you hiding the Jews?” they remained committed to the truth that if they answered, their fellow citizens would come to a terrible fate. So when my husband tried to demand of me the truth – I calmly answered that “I am acting sensibly under my current situation”.
Thank you Leslie for your Christian advice on abuse. There are many avenues for secular information & advice on what to do and how to remain strong, however the CORE acronym is exceedingly useful.
Thank you. So what’s happening now in your marriage?
Leslie, are you two together still? Did he ever accept your new strength? Did you allow him to reconcile? So much of your story is similar to mine.
I can completely relate to every post shared.
really like the idea of maintaining your dignity.
It’s a personal boundary, a pact you make with yourself of what you will and will not say or do.
I am really working on taking it all to God in prayer. Asking for his wisdom, guidance and response to my husband. I have asked for an objective mindset, to observe my husband’s attitude kind of like a 3rd party who is not part of the dysfunctional relationship. This helps to see more clearly that his attitude is not my fault, I cannot change how he’s feeling, thinking and acting. I shouldn’t take it personally nor accept any blame shifting and thereby have a godly response vs. a destructive reaction- because that just feeds into a very ugly dynamic that hurts both of us, our marriage and our children.
Then I can live in peace knowing I did it God’s way and allow him to do the work in my hisband’s heart that only he knows how to and the only one who can make a difference.
Some days I’m successful, other days I start to get drawn into the dysfunction but thankfully am able to stop much sooner now.
I also try to address his moodiness as harmful to him, not me. Just last week I said something to the effect of, “are you enjoying our trip? Because you seem really stressed and angry. I know God has much better for you and you can bring all that frustration and stress to him. He can help you deal with all your frustration with your job and our finances (his two biggest stressors). And he responds more positively to this approach. But if I start complaining about how he hurts me, doesn’t love or care about me, etc., then he perceives that as more failure in his life and completely shuts down and we get nowhere fast.
My current prayers are for perseverance and becoming a much stronger woman in the Lord.
I am a work in progress and even if I do everything God’s way, there is no guarantee my husband will act more godly towards me.
So ultimately I am choosing the way of love to be obedient to God whether I feel like it or not. I continue to ask God to help me “stay well” as Leslie has said many times because I don’t want to leave him, I want to live with healthy boundaries and rely on Jesus to be to me what my husband is not at times.
. . . that is a really beautiful approach. It is thoughtful, kind, gentle and you are speaking (based on the situation) words of life, especially: “I know God has much better for you and you can bring all that frustration and stress to him.” . . . It will so often not be our definition of better . . . . but it is better.
And this is possible as long as you are not looking for anything to change in your husband. As soon as you get your eyes off God and onto him, you will sink. But then just put your eyes back on Him.
“. . . And this is possible as long as you are not looking for anything to change in your husband. As soon as you get your eyes off God and onto him, you will sink. But then just put your eyes back on Him.”
“. . . . But then just put your eyes back on Him.”
. . . and that is why, for me, your books are so helpful to read. Every book has that structure: Here-is-what-you-need-to-do and here-is-how-to-do-it. . . . No falling off into a discussion about how trying to bury expectations is non-attachment and may lead to just detachment, which is not healthy. . . . just: Here is what you need to do and here is how to do it.
. . . Lord, can it just be that? . . . . just taking the next small *right* step at every single, even small crossroad? . . . When our spouse totally disappoints us, come aside and be with Christ because this has nothing to do with them anyway. The goal is God Himself. Not joy, not peace, not even blessings, but just God Himself. To know Him . . . but more so to be known by Him. Nothing can take priority over God. We are not sourcing anything from our spouse. . . . it is surely appealing because that means they have no influence over you either.
My counselor always says have zero expectations. . . . Expect nothing; be amazed by everything. I used to think. . . . ―Wow, ―wow, to love without need or without expectation of restitution . . . but that is really the only love. That is how we ought to love but from lots of prayer I also realized that whatever I was seeking won’t even come in the form I was expecting. You will never get the same from people you expect, so we ask God and He will give us more than that, because in His world, ego and attitude, et.al. doesn’t mean anything. . . . . But that also means God is really frustrating because I expect things to be expressed in a way that I can understand. . . . . . . Generally speaking, a desert is a place without expectation. That is what I mean when in the past I have referred to the desert of the real. That holy desolation where only the truth survives, out past all the epistemology of church propaganda. That place where everything not real is washed away by the solar storm of truth. —And raw Truth, . . . . . oh my, raw truth, wow, it is not appealing in the least because it has no marketing plan. . . . . If we believe in the promises of God, we expect to see them fulfilled. Where there is no expectation, there is no faith. The future goal is the thing which produces character in the present. . . If we have no expectations, we have no faith. . . . But Peace begins when expectations end. . . . Anyways, so much interpretation of biblical teaching is to support our longing for perfection. As a result, we measure our progress by standards we will never meet until heaven, if we even get there. . . . . Who knows, maybe having no expectations is really not even feasible. . . I just changed my mind: having no expectations is that even realistic? Trying to bury expectations and calling them non-attachment is just detachment, which is not healthy. Maybe reducing expectations and attachment to expectations by changing your thoughts and awareness. I know one thing for sure, I can’t do it. Because expectations seem to me to be the same as standards and so, so much of what we talk about appears to be enforcing standards. Our spouse can’t have this, unless they do that. . . .
Beautiful testimony Sue of finding your peace and answers in the Lord, and not in your husband. Thank you for sharing your sweet heart with us!!!
Wonderfully said. To not take the behavior personally is the key!
It really is and why personal boundaries are essential to any successful relationship. I grew up with an alcoholic father who was either raging or ignoring and an enabling mother. So, I am having to unlearn and relearn how to have healthy relationships. Difficult, but not impossible with God’s help. But I need to stay close to him, read his word and pray daily otherwise the lies of the enemy seem all too real to me.
“. . . . personal boundaries are essential to any successful relationship.” . . . . —Exactly, my counselor is forever telling me that: “. . . the only real conflict we will ever have in our lives won’t be with others, but with ourselves, our internal boundaries.” I know that but implementing them. . . . . —well, I have a problem figuring out and getting to why? Apparently the “why” is important so that change is sustainable. She always tells me “. . . Let the dysfunctional family you came from go. Cut them loose, and you will be free.” She doesn’t mean physically (—that is relatively easy) but —in my mind, —in my loyalties. But internal boundaries are a serious war. . . outside resistance, that is manageable, inside resistance, from myself. . . . —really tough going.
“But I need to stay close to him, read his word and pray daily otherwise the lies of the enemy seem all too real to me.” . . . . . Nothing teaches us about the preciousness of Christ as much as when we learn the total emptiness of everything else. I so get that and I run to Grace, . . . but my mind (—or the enemy) or both, —I don’t know, my mind fills my thoughts with logic, reason, evidence. All I know to do is say: God, I don’t really understand You but I know I can hug YOU. . . When I do, I just so hope I’m not fooling myself. Re: unsupported confidence.
Sue, yes you do and I’m glad you are learning these things.
Exactly
There is a point one will get fed up
There is a point one will have had enough of just not taking it personally. It’s ABUSE and that damages us as well as kills love and trust. It’s also dangerous to our ment health. We must not enable abuse. Everyone has their own story and tolerance level. I pray for the timing of God in when or if enough is enough. We all deserve non threatening lives.
There is a point one will have had enough of just not taking it personally. It’s ABUSE and that damages us as well as kills love and trust. It’s also dangerous to our ment health. We must not enable abuse. Everyone has their own story and tolerance level. I pray for the timing of God in when or if enough is enough. We all deserve non threatening lives.
Reply
We should not judge another’s pain threshold of how much is too much. So it can be both and – we can learn to not take an abusers behavior personally – and should do that – but we might not take a thief’s behavior personally or a rapists behavior personally either, that’s just who they are, but we still don’t want continued contact with him or her.
Leslie’s book, “The Emotionally Destructive Marriage” is an excellent resource for identifying and dealing with emotional abuse. And not to detract from her ministry or resources, but I have also found the book, “Boundaries in Marriage”, by Townsend and Cloud, very insightful with many practical applications for developing those essential boundaries.
Thank you Sue!!!
I have read both of those books and found them helpful. My favorite book of Leslie’s is How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong, great book. I just love practical and here-is-what-you-need-to-do-style books. The problems start when I start thinking, considering, reflecting. . . . .
. . . . boundaries are THE litmus test for the quality of our relationships. If people in our lives can’t respect our boundaries or love our wills, our opinions, our separateness. . . . . if they don’t love our nos. . . . . if they only love our yeses, our compliance. . . . . we have nothing. —Sue, this is the problem but I have it at its worst internally (with myself). I only like it when I do what I want mentality, —internally.
. . . . .In counseling it is all questions I just can’t answer. I don’t know the “why”? It is so frustrating. It is just a total blank space inside. . . . .To me, the hardest part of healing is just realizing there is no one to hate or scapegoat. . . . .We are ALL totally broken and we are alone and we desperately keep thinking something will eventually make this all better (—new understanding/ realization, new relationships, new program, new counselor, something/ someone NEW.) . . . . From “Lord I Just Want to Be Happy by Leslie Vernick.” . . .page 37: Which core lie do you struggle with?
1) l ought to be more than I am (―no struggle) ―I can’t be more than what Christ makes me, period.
2) I deserve to have more than God gave me (―no struggle) ―I am so blessed already.
3) Life should be fair (―no struggle) ―If life were fair, I would already be gone.
. . . . I don’t know what is going on. Maybe I don’t have the Holy Spirit (―God forbid) because in that CORE strength model, I would suspect that the “O” ―I will be open to the Holy Spirit to teach me new ways of thinking, feeling and responding— is everything. I would assume that if the Holy Spirit is really got ahold of you, you have boundaries even with yourself. —How could you not? The Holy Spirit lives in our heart but we have no boundaries? . . . I keep thinking the moment I become conscious of what is unconscious, I can be transformed. . . . . My counselor, I think, knows what she is doing, she has worked with Dr. Cloud, Dr. John Townsend, all those “greats”
This is where I am: Life is very, very hard (—internally). Maybe?. . . . Christ does not fill the empty cup we bring to Him but brings freedom, ―not from our dissatisfaction, but freedom from our felt need to escape it (—yet I still feel that need). . . . ―freedom from our felt need to escape the gap at the core of our being? . . . . . . Instead of God being that which fills the gap at the core of our being, God exposes the gap for what it really is (—another idol?), and invites us to participate in an utterly different form of life, one that brings us beyond slavery to any idols: marriage, husbands, jobs; even indentity, et.al. —God operates in a completely different registry. . . . So, Christ exposes the gap for what it is and invites us to participate in an utterly different form of life, one that brings us beyond slavery to the all the Idols: Satisfaction, Certainty, Happiness, Joy, et.al. . . God is not an idol designed to give us what our other idols could not deliver on. The Good News of Christianity: You can’t be fulfilled . . . Not here, not now. But you can be peaceful? —I just don’t know. . . . . Christ does not fill the empty cup we bring to Him but rather brings freedom, not from our darkness and dissatisfaction, but freedom from our felt need to escape them? . . . . our felt need to escape them. . . . . .maybe? Christ is all about being held, comforted, forgiven, strengthened, and loved ―Our job is to stay open and gentle. Who doesn’t want to be loved or held or forgiven?
Lord, I Just Want to Be Happy by Leslie page 88 “. . . . Our biggest blind spots are our own pride and self-deception.” page 170 “. . . . Could you give yourself ten minutes a day or dedicate one hour a week for solitude and silence? As you become comfortable with the practice try to extend it to one day a month. You may even want to dedicate one weekend a year to do nothing and talk to no one but God.” ―I have, more than once and we wind-up fighting especially about logic, reason, evidence, how we know what we know, et.al. I can’t tell what is me and what is God. . . . the companionship of God??? But Lord, is it just me or really You??? I so envy people who know (―yet another problem), but I have no idea how they know what they know.
. . . again, thank you Sue!!!
It’s never ever resolved with narcissists or abusers. Very few change their ways or sinful acts. I can see now why no contact or limited contact is required in order to heal and recover and to work on ourselves.
Silent treatments breed no intimacy and its walking on eggshells. We have a right to be happy in our lives. We are not supposed to accept loneliness as if we are single and don’t have a partner to share our heart and life with. It’s abandonment.
What you say is so true sex is not love and intimacy which is so sad. They can talk to you like dirt, give you the silent treatment and then want to be near you.
I am leaving and going to have little contact except for our daughter. I no longer wish to enable his sin and remove ourselves from harm. He has harmed us way too much and cannot justify it anymore.
Good for you! May God give you strength. Persons with narcissistic personality disorder often will fade out of the picture one you disconnect. It’s too much work for them to try to keep the rules. Be sure to teach your daughter how to have boundaries when she is with him.
I totally agree. I have been waiting on the Lord to stop this abuse you all are talking about and I think I’ve taken all I can take. It’s a terrible thing to say but I believed in answered prayer and trusting God was going to take care of this but I find myself losing faith. I’ve always had great faith knowing God answers prayers but I’m going on 40 years of this and I’m tired. I don’t see it ever getting better no matter how much I love my husband. I don’t want to leave but I hate feeling unloved and mistreated. The silent treatment is the worse and I’m always begging for him not to be upset when I did nothing to start with. He’s a narcissist and can’t change. I didn’t even know what that was until about 5 years ago. I’ve wasted so much of my life on him. I’ve even asked God to jyst take .e home and out of my misery. I’m glad I found this page and see I’m not the only one dealing with this. Prayers for you all if they even do any good. I never thought I’d say that but I’ve had enough.
It’s so comforting to read comments from others in the same situation. I’ve been looking all over google.com to find answers. This article and comment section has been the most helpful by far
Totally agree I honestly don’t feel so alone
Long shot… but how did things work out?
My husband & I go for walks together almost every night that he’s not working. He is a firefighter/paramedic and his job is very stressful. Our walks usually consist of him verbalizing all of his stress and frustration to me. In my flesh, I want to say, “I’m sick of always listening to you complain. What about me and what I want to talk about?” But I realize he’s demonstrating trust in me by being open & honest and I can give him the gift of listening. It is also an opportunity to share God’s truth with him as the opportunity arises (as I shared above in my first post) and to be more specific in my prayers for him.
The other thing I am focusing on is being a “student” of my husband. To observe and study him. To find patterns in his behavior, their origin and what are helpful responses from me. The point being, I may be able to avert him shutting down emotionally and getting the silent treatment.
Leslie, I know you said I must always continue to keep my eyes on God and not on looking for my husband to change- and I totally agree that I cannot do any of this apart from God- but I have seen my husband become more positive and let his guard down a bit as he sees he can trust me.
Just last night he woke up and saw that I was struggling with insomnia and asked me what was wrong. I prayed first and then very carefully started sharing, sticking with “I” statements and asking him if he was starting to feel defensive in any way. My flesh wanted to accuse, blame and criticize but with God’s help, I was able to effectively verbalize some frustration, have him remain “present” during the conversation and have him place a supportive hand on my arm. Definitely not our usual dysfunctional dance but oh so refreshing- I could finally relax and exhale a bit.
Wow, that’s great progress! When you find something that works, keep going!
Indeed! After beating my head against the proverbial wall for so many years trying to “fix” it my way, God’s way has given me a bit of sweet relief.
But as I war against my fleshly inclinations, it is a battle I must continue to wage. Not against my husband but against my own human weaknesses and temptations. It’s almost like a 12-step program. “Hi, my name is Sue and I like to argue, fuss and fight.” Everyday I need God’s help to not take a “drink” or “hit” of ________, fill in the blank of whatever I’m trying to do in the flesh to fix my husband and marriage.
Which is why my prayer now is perseverance. To do this right, God’s way, every day. To make it a lifestyle, not hit and miss.
Amen
It is a terrible thing when the abusive spouse turns the kids against you the Mother. I’ve been there with my former ex husband. He went to church and still does preaching the Lord with his 3rd wife yet turned and twisted our then teenagers minds all up. He told them awful things about me that were not true and it was a mess. Don’t let that happen. Get supervised contact if you can and protect them as much as the church and law will let you. It is so damaging when they are allowed to go this.
I understand all this in looking to God for it all. But I do know that our kids are watching the bad behavior towards us all the time and pick up the toxic behaviors as well as become targets themselves for the abuse. This is a high price to pay for staying in the abuse. I believe the scriptures also say to stay away from angry and prideful people. If repentance and change of heart permanently is done then we can have fellowship with them again. It’s in a marriage as well to not be abused as same principle.
Wow, I am so grateful that I no longer am struggling with all of the self-doubt, false hope and persistent reliance on the Lord while staying in a relationship where most of the above behaviors were going on. I am all in on the persistent reliance on Jesus, but when the Holy Spirit is letting me know (by my anxiety, feelings of stuckness and complete absorption on doing everything possible to help him see the light while not making him angry … ) Phew! Enough is too much!!
Some books that helped me to get out:
Leslie Vernick’s, “The Emotionally Destructive Marriage” and Leslie’s Conquer groups & letters etc.
A book called “I Promise to Hate, Abuse and Despise You”
Books by John Townsend and Henry Cloud, especially “Necessary Endings”.
The books on emotional and verbal abuse by Patricia Evans; there are 4 and the one called “The Controlling Person” was a real help to me – it explained how we are supposed to be the perfect wives and why we get punished when we don’t fit into his fantasy of perfect.
To all of you still struggling and hanging in for one reason or another (some very good reasons, I understand).
But you’ve got to know that even if it is hard and you are scared to death, take steps to free yourself if it comes to that.
– Read and listen to whatever you have to in order to stay sane & understand that he is the sick/crazy/self-destructive one, not you.
-Pray, pray and LISTEN to the still small voice trying to help you set yourself free of stupid and wasteful guilt. Protect yourself and your kids from the evils of hate, self-centeredness, and stubborn immaturity.
– Ask people you trust (criminal justice workers,accountants, financial planners, counselors, friends) for the names of some good divorce lawyers. Pick three and go visit them – some offer free consult but I picked the one with the 2 hundred dollar consult fee and she was awesome in getting me out safely and quickly. She even allowed my husband to work with her and I to come to a settlement so that we saved on legal fees while she was clear with him that she was representing me, not him. It worked out well.
– Way before you even file, start thinking about where you might live, who might be able to help you with living situations, jobs, babysitting or whatever. Start calling these folks and, if they are willing & able to help, keep communicating with them to update them and cement any plans which will involve them.
– I am still living with my ex even though we were officially divorced about 6 weeks ago. We are organizing, packing, getting the house ready for sale, seeing a Christian counselor on how to end this thing in the most healthy way. It’s all a little different for everyone. We were able to keep it friendly even though I was the one that filed.
I gave him a year and a half to get used to the idea that, if the abuse continued, I would divorce and leave him. That, plus this time together after the divorce, is helping both of us realize that the 22 years we have already spent together – I am 64 and he is 65 – was very up and down (increasingly down), that I am not going to back down on my demands for a marriage that isn’t a mockery of God’s plan, and that he isn’t willing or able to go along with that. … i.e., IRRECONCILABLE DIFFERENCES.
I am scared, but not nearly as much as I used to be. I am not at all regretting my decision to get free. Each day that passes, I am more and more confident that God will provide me with the strength and grace I’ll need. And even more than that, He will allow me to grow and find my peace again as my focus becomes increasing on Him and not on ‘him’.
This challenge of being “alone” is well worth the effort because, even though we are not officially alone in our marriage, we have in fact abandoned ourselves in order to be as invisible and safe as possible. The goal of these types of men is to destroy who you are and, no matter how you cope with that, you are being worn down daily by the sickness and mendacity of it all.
Good Luck, I love all of you courageous and gifted ladies and mothers. God be with you. Rose J.
Thank you Rose for your transparency in the real ups and downs of both staying and leaving. It sounds like you and your husband have come to some peace about how you are going to move forward – separately.
Really great article! My only issue is that you say he isn’t able to communicate more maturely. In the case of my ex, he had no problem communicating well with others outside the home. He had decided NOT to be mature with me. I fully believe that was a decision, not a maturity issue
Great point. However, how he communicates outside the home – listen carefully. Does he communicate with those outside the home his feelings whe he’s upset with them? Is he able to negotiate and compromise over issues. Or when they upset him does he tend to withdraw and avoid? Just because someone is charming and outgoing in public does not necessarily make them capable of sustaining a long term intimate relationship where you must be able to talk about tough issues.
Wow, I never thought about his “charm” to that depth of conclusion. How sad for someone to live their lives with only superficial connections based on fear. Makes sense. No wonder I have a yearning for “more” with him.
Thanks for sharing that valuable insight, Leslie.
This gives me more specific prayer ideas.
I totally agree. It’s a concious choice from the abuser. They do not treat others this way. So they are able to make a choice to abuse.
You’re right it’s a conscious choice to be silent because they CHOOSE not to disclose what is really bothering them. Is that because they don’t feel comfortable being vulnerable? Probably. Is it because they feel they are right and you are wrong? Probably. Is it because they want to punish you for making them unhappy? Probably. The silent treatment is a choice just like screaming and yelling at a person is a choice, but people who resort to these types of things in their intimate relationships don’t have the skills or internal maturity to have good relationships. They may have superficial relationships but they don’t have good and close relationships.
So precise and supportive at the same time. Thank you for your sharing and the advice is much appreciated. Godspeed and blessings to you and all here in this difficult situation with abusers.
I can relate to the silent treatment. My adult children use this against me all the time. The latest one has been 2 months. My daughter had a baby last month and didn’t call me. I don’t even have a picture, much less an invitation to come over. Prior to the latest silent treatment, there was 3 months of silent treatment with a no show for Christmas…not even a phone call to say she wasn’t going to be coming over. Also, her sister is giving me the silent treatment because her sister is. I have tried reaching out, I have tried to tell her how it makes me feel to be ignored. Part of me is relieved that I don’t know the baby, since she would most likely do this again. It is hard at times to stay focused and try not to feel like I am insignificant or unwanted. My trust has to be in the Lord… I find peace knowing he is going to make something beautiful out of this unbearable situation. I may not understand the whys, nor do I ask why me? Why not me? We all have to walk through difficult things in this life, I am just so grateful that I have Jesus to turn to. God bless you Leslie and your ministry.
Thanks Bridget. I’m so sorry, being cut off from your grandchildren must be the worst feeling but I’m sure it makes her feel very powerful.
Bridget,
I am so so sorry that you are going through this. I have 3 adult children and have been experiencing this for 4 years on and off since my divorce.
It was my husband’s nfs Origen way of punishing me. My kids learned well! I have a 10 year old granddaughter who I am not able to have a relationship with. It is heartbreaking. I had made progress with my 21 year old son and then out of the blue after spending time over the summer I received a text from him berating me for all the ways I have wronged them. It is as though I am the child and they are the parents shaming, demanding, accusing me. I quote ” it that being said, I will not be taking calls or texts from you…” there is no way to maturely talk about things and have a mutually respectful discussion to bring healing. There is no desire on their part to bring restoration. It is heartbreaking. The holidays are anguish.
The only thing that helps is reaching out to others and finding ways to serve in my church. I find joy in making little cards and baking for the children in my neighborhood. It doesn’t touch the tender spots that ache but it does make me feel connected and as though I have meaning and worth to take up space on the planet. Use the gifts that God has given you! Reach out to friends when you are in pain. I am so glad you have this community here too with Leslie. Love to you!
I see a few typo’s…the joys of pecking away with thumbs in a phone!🤦♀️ I hope I made some sense.
Yes yes and yes. It’s crazy making and gas lighting designed to break us down. It does eventually. I am living proof now trying to leave after finally realizing what is going on. I wish I left years ago.
Prisoners HATE solitary confinement and prisoners of war are isolated with silence to break them down. It is a very effective covert strategy. Human beings are hard wired to connect and so the silent treatment is abusive.
Exactly. It is gaslighting to destroy us and keep us under their control. I wish I left years ago knowing now whey I didn’t know then. Run as fast as you can! It rarely gets better if ever with a narcissist.
An abusive spouse doesn’t have to commit adultery in order for us to leave them scripturally. If a spouse is abusing us and continues to damage or harm us with no repentance, God doesn’t expect us to live this way in bondage. God cannot be glorified in this at all.
Not I, but Christ in me. He is Love, He is Light, He is Truth.
“. . . Not I, but Christ in me. He is Love, He is Light, He is Truth.”
. . . Maybe I have the two mixed up. . . . I look at it as Christ continually shouting through the universe, “You have a love that is already yours. You have nothing to prove to anyone. You have nothing to prove to Me. You are significant and preapproved and utterly cherished. Not because you are in any way “good,” but because you are Mine.” . . . . but. . . but. . . . actually accepting that means “Taking up your Cross and following Me”. . . . .Forget that Lord, I don’t understand so, so much but I actually understand what that really means. . . . .”Take up your Cross and follow me” is not an invitation to “Mountaintop Christianity” “Hotel Conference Christianity” (―And I love that as much as anyone! I am not immune to nice things.) ―It is following Christ to the very depths of what He experienced to destroy and unravel everything to which we hold onto and hold dear. ―Anything that we may have built our lives upon ―even if it is an ideological, placebo Christianity ―until there is absolutely nothing you can hold onto, nothing you can survive on ―and in that place (What the church father’s called “the desert of the real”. . . .That holy desolation where only the TRUTH survives. That place where everything NOT real is washed away by the solar storm of TRUTH.), . . . .you stand in the very place Christ did. I see that concept taught everywhere in the first 500 years of Christianity because there, in that place, you have nothing to hold onto, as Christ had nothing to hold onto. If we heed the call to follow Christ, it is necessary for us to follow Him into the tomb to eradicate the constructs of our identity (―you lose your total identity, ―everything) and pervasive influence that we have carried with us since like . . . .day one. I look at it and I know I can’t do it. Lord, I can’t walk that road, us “moderns” are just too soft. I can’t do it, whatever small part of Christ that is in me would have to do it. . . . . as you say, JoAnn, not I but. . .Christ in me. . .
. . . The loss of all those structures that ground us and give us any sense that life makes any kind of sense (the “Christian”, cultural and political). . . . . If we will follow Him, we can’t rely on anything but His grace, mercy, and compassion to see as through the pain and suffering our journey will inevitably bring when we are really, really loving God by loving and selflessly serving others. . . . I look at it and I know I can’t do it. I can’t walk that road. . . . . More than this, Christ experiences the loss of that which grounds each of these realms (“My God, My God, why have you forsaken me”). . . . . Christ invites us to die and lose our identity in Him. This is the part of our Christianity that looks just mental (―totally mental). The cross not only killed our Savior, it completely stripped Him of the ability to take any comfort in anything, friends, “Christianity”, politics, His mother’s comforting arms, and even God’s abiding presence. On the Cross, Jesus lost it all. It is so beyond our comfort-laden, abundance-drunk, self-improving-addicted culture to understand that. I’m sure I don’t have a full grasp of the total reality of it. There’s no way around it: Jesus doesn’t want us to come to the cross. He wants us to get on it. The invitation is to die with Him and lose our identity in Him. I look at it and I know I can’t do it. I can’t walk that road. . . . . but as you say, JoAnn, not “I” but. . .Christ in me?
One additional thought that has really shed some light and given me a practical tool. The silent treatment, however it is manifest, is nothing more than an adult temper tantrum. I’ve dealt with that when my kids were little so I know exactly what to do. Don’t give in to it. Don’t be afraid of the anger- pouting, accusations, attacks, etc.
You can sulk or bellow all you want, I’m not going to react. I’m going to go on with my plans and enjoy the day. When you’re ready to respect me, we can enjoy the day together. Otherwise, you’re on your own.
I am currently going through this,married for 14 years,no kids.From the beginning of our marriage my husband has put me last after his career and family members.His family where not kind to me and treated me badly,I put up with it for a long time all the while he saw and knew it but did nothing.At first he would drink occasionally but as the years went by it became weekly ,his family would encourage him and always have alcohol present even though they knew it would make him verbally and at times physically violent.He would cuss me out in front of them and so much more.They even said to us a few times not have children because they where not ready for it and my husband just agreed & didn’t care about having children.5 years ago I reached a point where I could no longer accept what was happening and left staying with my sister for a while ,my husband would call all the time saying how much he missed me eventually I returned and he said things would change & acknowledged that his behavior was bad,for a year now his drinking has stopped completely and we keep a distance from his family and see them only on occasions. Recently he said to me that I can come talk to him about anything or if anything is bothering me I can talk to him.Everything is fine until I try expressing or mentioning any of the things he did in the past that affected me and I’m not allowed to say anything bad about his family or how I feel regarding their treatment of me but he mentioned he wants me to be more in contact with his family. He bomes defensive and cusses,saying I’m saying these things to remind him of his past and bring him down. How can I move on if I’m never allowed to mention or talk about the things he did to me and allowed to be done to me that affected me badly. He is now giving me the silent treatment like he’s mom and dad have been doing for their entire marriage. He’s never really apologized to me just acknowledged that his behavior was wrong.Im now in my 40s and having a child seems impossible and I’m feeling resentment that I was not stronger enough earlier in my marriage to standup to my husband & his family.Am I wrong for wanting to voice out loud the things he’s done and how it affected me to him?
A-MEN!
Exactly. So glad you are free.
Definitely. Thanks you. Yes I absolutely agree about my daughter and and boundary teaching. I will be doing so indeed. Blessings.
NPD. Narcissist Personality Disorder.
I agree. My husband is very abusive especially using the silent treatment to me. I do feel like a prisoner and ready to escape. Waking up every day knowing how I am and will be treated is awful. My daughter sees me either cry or just lose it by speaking out in utter turmoil. There is no middle ground with a controlling narcissist abuser husband or not. He’s driven me to get out.
“Pain is inevitable, but misery is optional.”
Yes, it is painful to be treated that way, but you don’t need to continue to be a victim of misery.
Think about it, how happy can he truly be?
“For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.” ~ Luke 6:45
If you can get your heart and mind clear of the lies the enemy wants you to believe about yourself, you can grieve the condition of your husband’s heart and see how truly depraved and hurting he his and pray for him. He may gain a temporary sense of victory when he “wins” and controls you. But underneath all his toxic manipulation he is hurting. And hurting people hurt other people.
Ultimately it is his choice if he wants to stay in bondage to his pain or be set free.
You have the same choice- to stay stuck in misery or give your pain to God, trust him to bring healing and move on into a healthy, joyful mindset and lifestyle.
“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” ~ John 10:10
Choose life, my friend!
When people use the phrase “hurting people hurt people” it does nothing but lay blame on the one being abused! Hurting people find a way through the pain- sociopaths use their pain to hurt others! While we are called to have empathy- we are not called to tolerate abuse.
Exactly
Just bought the book “Character disturbance” by simon. And now im listening to his book “wolf in sheeps clothing”. Wow! Great info!
Absolutely. It just still is abuse. If they don’t take accountability then we don’t have to be their target. It’s wrong and empaths especially like myself fall prey to them before all the damage begins. By then we are in deep. I’m learning and when I get free from this I will absolutely be prayerful and see the signs to never be abused again.
So…not sure what you are proposing aside from giving it to God and pray for my husbands soul…staying or divorcing? What stand do you take on that? Too often the church tells wives to just pray for his hurting soul and take the abusive treatment and chance he will cross the line even there and become a statistic of domestic violence. 14 years and no sign of change and at times worse along with our daughter watching how Dad treats Mom is a good indicator of his mindset and unwillingness to hear God and change. Narcissists sadly don’t change.
If he us hurtung you and unrepentant (meaning no change) you need to get away. Whether ir not you divorce is betqeen you and God. But if you are being told to continue living with abuse, that is the weong advice
I agree.
Thank you, Thank you for this article regarding the silent treatment. I really needed to read this.
You’re welcome.
So good. I know this was meant for husbands. But if I substitute my mother it fits perfectly. 25 yrs of strain rejection pain since I went into a psychiatric ward and was finally beginning to see how toxic my family was and how I was raised. My world came crashing down but it was the beginning for me to begin making decisions for my own well being. EVERYTHING u spoke of I have experienced. She has tried to manipulate and control me but because of God’s grace I have found the courage to b ok with God saying NO to tjis relationship. I was VERY sick this yr. She wanted me to become POA. I said because of my fragile health and the lack of trust in our relationship NO I can’t. She cut me out of her will. Classic response. After no attempt at her communicating I for the first time communicated holiday plans that didn’t include her and for the first time I don’t feel guilty. I am free for the first time and guess what healthy and strong. How these types or relationships set us up for autoimmune disease!
Silent treatment….my husband’s go-to tactic.
Recently, after he had given me the silent treatment for over a month, I confronted him about it….I’m way passed apologizing or trying to make it better, or even taking any responsibility for it. It’s just plain selfish and childish. I continue on my journey to try and live out what I believe God has called me to, even towards my uNPD husband.
But when he came out of the funk, I told him it doesn’t go unnoticed and that it affects the kids also and that it is not okay….that he is trying to punish me for perceived wrongs.
He said that it had nothing to do with “punishing”. It has everything to do with how much he is “hurting” and “sad”. Truly, a victim mentality.
I’m in a place where I just go on daily striving to be everything that 1 Corinthians 13 calls me to be. I still am kind to him (most of the time…lol) and offer to help him and do things for him and I engage with the kids, etc….but the silence is deafening at times and if I linger in that place, it makes me really angry.
Leslie, I would also love to hear your comments on Remedy’s post….
“Remedy says
July 18, 2016 at 12:25 pm
Leslie….at my church the leadership would say ’embrace this prison and time of suffering for you as God in His sovereignty had appointed for you.’ Without the support of the church, I fear what the spouse would do regarding my teenage children with that lack of support to turn their hearts against me as being rebellious to that authority. Many churches counsel this theological view. Please offer your insight. It is a terrifying place to be when trying to make decisions about how to proceed.
Reply
freeatlast8 says
July 19, 2016 at 11:12 am
Remedy, I would love for Leslie to respond to this, too.”
Just reading all these messages has given me insight I never knew before. God!, I thank you ladies for sharing your experiences. This has been very helpful knowing I’m not alone. I’ve been feeling so hopeless and you ladies have given me strength to continue my new journey. I can do it anymore I’m tried of being devalued and disrespected… So again, Thank You ladies for specking out.
So I am not alone, my husband also do the same thing, I was naive enough and always go to him after a week or two which I can not cope, to tell him we need to talk we can not live like this, I was shocked actually after we got marriage,I never thought in marriage things like that happened as it seems as a casual relationship!!. But after that he kept doing the same even though I told him so many times it hurts me a lot. Nothing change, unfortunately he thinks when I come to sort things out , it means that my mistake in the first place. But I was doing it for us as a family, not who will open the conversation is the loser or who did wrong. Childish mind!
All that happening and I am alone, I relocated after marriage, I am Living in another country, far away from my family and friends, which I thought my husband would be all my family, but he is not.
I learned the lesson, it’s been now over a month and he still silent, actually it looks he is wondering why I didn’t start open the conversation with him, how come I am living alone without him being talking to me!
Let him live and have a taste of his own medicine! I am enjoying my life, I have lots of plans. and I don’t care, If he does not care , why I would bother and torture myself ?!!
I have had to distance myself from my husband, so I suppose I am giving him the silent treatment. He refuses to discuss certain things that he is doing that is damaging to our marriage and he blames me for doing them. I ask him to please discuss these issues with me but he shuts me down and talks over me. So we haven’t talked since. I always feel guilty when I see articles on the silent treatment but he is so emotionally abusive that I keep away from him on purpose. He doesn’t see himself as doing anything wrong. After he fat shamed me I now know how he perceives me and I just don’t trust him. He is toxic to my well being.
This is my husband 109% and I’m I’m over it! Any time he’s unhappy or a say something to him about something he’s done, he shuts down. Maybe a day, maybe a week. Until he pretends nothing happened and acts “normal”. We’ve only been married 6 yrs and it started right after we got married. Wish I had seen the warning signs and red flags, I probably wouldn’t have married him. He’s very passive aggressive to my granddaughter. With under the breath comments and complaints to her. She’s 12!! A huge problem in our marriage and a huge part of his mental abuse. Nothing will change ever but im gonna be happy regardless!!
I believe my husband is a narcissist. We will be going along fine and suddenly and without any reason I can see he will explode at me. I ask him why and he will talk in a circle and it is always my fault. Then he will go days without communicating to me unless he needs something. He will isolate me from the things we usually do, he will take along other family members and exclude me. He is verbally very nasty.
I am very tired. I feel helpless. No one is ever stands up for me. He seems to be getting worse. I have done a lot or reading but I do not know what to do
Carly I’d encourage you to stand up for your own self. Please sign up to attend my free workshop next week to learn how. http://www.leslievernick.com/joinworkshop
Read Leslie Vernick’s book the Emotionally Destructive Marriage. It helps. Slowly but surely you’ll see what’s going on and learn how to get free. I read it. And at first the truth was relieving, then I got angry, then I felt helpless and hopeless. Now I’m freer than ever before and I’m still moving forward.
Yeah. It’s hard. I have the same problems as you for years. And when he’s in a good mood I’m supposed to be happy. I’ve realized I was being codependent and actually encourage this type of behavior through my rescuing and wanting to make peace tactics. Always trying to explain myself. After reading the book, I get wise and realize he is being unreasonable and start pointing out his behavior and then there’s hell to pay. I speak out now, not because he will see his wicked ways and change, but so he knows he can’t just treat me any kind of way. After 20 years of maltreatment my resistance has only been accomplished within the last several months. Well now, he is giving me the silent treatment and it’s been 3 days and you know what? I’m glad. It doesn’t bother me. I’m not going to run after him to make it better. I’m closer than ever to being free from this abusive relationship.
My wife is giving me the silent treatment. What do I do ? I’m taking it very personally.
I’ve been with my husband for almost 20 years. He’s a good man but he’s just like the rest of us flawed humans. The first few times he gave me the silent treatment I was a wreck trying to connect with him, trying to understand what I did wrong. I started googling like a mad woman and found an article explaining the silent treatment is a power play to assert dominance. I wish I would have saved it but I can’t find it. The article advised to just go about my usual business. Whatever I normally do, I should continue but do not engage. Example: I make my husband’s lunch , coffee, and some sort of a small portable breakfast every morning, I do his wash, make dinner etc. However, do not attempt to engage with him. He initiated the silent treatment he should be the one to end it. It’s a little uncomfortable but since I started this approach silent treatment is much shorter and further between. We’ve gone as long as 2 weeks this way. I hate it!
I have noticed it increases in frequency and duration when there are changes going on like kids graduating from high school and college. Currently, our youngest is no longer playing softball for him. I thinks he’s having a hard time with this. She is playing for her high school and travel ball. She is pretty good. One of her high school coaches saw potential in her and sent us to her current travel team they waived some of the fees for us because they wanted her on their team. Instead of being proud he is moody and brooding.
The last few months have been brutal! I’ll skip the mini issues and go straight to the offenses I find unforgiveable! Our youngest bought tickets to the Yankees/Dodgers game for his birthday. Yankees are his team , they were playing on his birthday She bought these tickets in March for June. His birthday rolls around and he decides he can’t leave his rec ball team to go to the game becasue they were 2 games away from the finals. So they didn’t go. She gave the tickets to a friend. She was devastated he hardly acknoweledged the situation. He doesn’t go to her practices he occassionally attends her games when it doesn’t conflict with his rec ball team . I understand committment but where do we draw the line . This last weekend our daughter had friendlies (just games to prepare for nationals) he was planning to attend or at least he said he was. On the morning of he picks a fight with me so he can stay home. I find out later his rec team has a pool party! He then calls our daughter trying to get he to change her plans for after her games to go to the stupid pool party. We already had tickets thru a friend to watch a minor league game that evening.
We still have not spoken OUr daughter had friendlies again on Sunday, we hosted at our park. I was at the park by 530 for set up and left around 400 after clean up. I did send him videos of her hitting and pitching. He decided to show up middle of game 2 (3 games) he sat far away from me. When she came off the field I encouraged her to spend time with him.
I want to understand why he chooses other people over his family. Personally, I think it’s because they treat him like he is infallable! It’s makes me sick to my stomach at times how he has his littlle fan club of groupies! If they only knew what an a-hole he was to the ones that hold it down so he can act like a little baby!
Sorry for venting. I love him with my heart, mind, and soul. I’m just so empty. I don’t know how much longer I can play this stupid game with him. Am I just dumb? Is this his way of getting rid of me? Does he want me to leave so he has no responsibility?
I just don’t even know anymore.
I have no idea what to do anymore. I been getting these silent treatments forever and they hurt so bad. Rupture and repair. He never repairs. Just like your post they think they are a victim when they are the ones that are hurting others. You said maybe to ask when he would like to discuss things. I don’t feel this is an option for me. He blocks me everywhere and I don’t want to keep looking desperate for his abuse anymore. I used to call and call and call and message and message. Today he got angry because I was at the store wanting to buy me flowers. He also has jealousy. I can’t ever go to the store without him abusing me mentally. We are separated now but we started talking a month ago after four months of separation. He never contacts me or ever messages me or calls me. I cannot keep initiating communication. I am tired and I seriously can’t keep going through this my entire life. It hurts me and is emotionally and mentally draining.
Is it time for a divorce when my husband has been giving me the silent treatment off and on for the last 7 years. Sometimes it takes up to 8 months for him to recover and start talking with me again.
This article is sexist. Why do these always frame males as the perpetrator? You should be using non-descriptive pronouns so as not to come off as a misandrist. It’s time to recognize that men are the victims of abuse as well.
Thank you Leslie and everyone who commented on her post. OMG! am i so glad i found this to read. Just when I am about to lose my mental wellness this came to the rescue . Thank you!!! Im not a really good therapist or well trained, but boy when i don’t get answers . I become the best seeker in knowledge to my issues. And silent treatmetns are my husbands go to when he’s doing something he knows is wrong, And steps on my boundaries. So for some time i reacted. And he’d use my reaction as the e=reason why he w=gave me silence . I called him on it. I am a fourth right person, don’t like games and am tired of having to mother a partner who chooses to act like a child. I’m struggling so much with it. That in my own discoveries in seeking. I’ve found out he’s bipolar , and a narcissist . After denying it of course. He later admitted that he was indeed was diagnosed when he was young. GRRR! we’ve been married 28 years i think it’s important information. Especially when we have 3 kids.
Just last night he left home late and never texted , and never came to bed. WHen i text to say hey where ya at? Why aren’t you home? He chose to ignore me .. I went back to bed , and an hour later or more i woke up checked my phone, no response from him yet. So i go back to sleep. I can’t sleep, now im worried, now im stressed out, and so i try again only this time ive added a little pissy attitude to it, Cuz by now i know what he’s doing and im tired , and i’m really not in the mood to go through another episode of his silent treatments, Which i figured out way early in my marriage was punishment. Often times for things I never did, he just felt or believed i did. Manipulation at its finest. Still no response. IT’s 3 am my husband is not home and did not come to bed. Now what wife out there would NOT REACT ??? He often if not always tells me im the problem. Trys to blame me for his betrayal. Which is mental to the core i think personally. And i won’t accept it . but have to let it go. See I have to tip tow around his feelings while he tap dances all over mine. If i stand up to him he lays hands on me , has gone to jail. Now he just traumatizes me. He hates being held accountable and refuses to listen to what hes doing that is hurting this marriage , he ends up offended by his own actions, and so then now he’s the victim. Ive tried everything to communicate to him , and i get the same results. while i was trying to save my marriage, and get him to communicate and tell me what the hell was going on, and why he was choosing bad behaviors , he would get more traumatizing in my face mean. And he played me , revenged me cuz in his mind it was my fault he went to jail for laying hansd on me. . seriously all i did was ask for 5 minutes of his time, and bam he was on me . I got backed into a corner while tryiing to save my marriage. he ave y car away and is driving our suv and hes wecked it promised to fix it and it was 4 years ago all this happened. I lost my business and have been manipulated, controlled by him ever sinse. He proceeds to treat me so poorly, then love bombs me then treats me bad again. He’s turned my baby girl who is 16 now against me. she hates me now, and treats me just like he does. when i state my thoughts or feelings on this matter he calls me crazy and dilusional . He won’t get me a car, but he will other people he helps . many have gone before me as i wait. I have no way to get a job , the closest transportation is 8 miles away. I’m 52 this july. And im fed up, im done, im more than mad, i see him for who he really is, and i feel powerless I really am stuck. Do you have any idea how hard it is to heal from trauma and abuse while still being abused???? i reach out to my family they don’t believe me i reach out to friends they don’t believe me. He has just put me into such an emotional shoclk with all he’s pulled. And boy howdy would you just die if i told you I’m trapped here at home, and today Im so hopeless that i just wanna end my pain. take my life. hes does not have one oz of empathy or compassion. our marriage is all about him and what he needs . Anything pertaining to me or what i need is dismissed, gaslighted, stone walled , you name it. He is evil to the core and I cant get out. Any suggestions?
My husband gives me the deniable silent treatment…..I ask questions, try to engage him, receive only one word answers. Then I quit trying to talk to him and a day or two later he will blast me for giving HIM the silent treatment! It’s crazy! He will get angry, list all my apparently many faults, give some little nothing reason he’s mad at me, and another day of silent treatment (which by then I really don’t care and go about my own business). Then he will suddenly decide it’s over and I get soooo much love, niceness, attention, etc. it’s so over the top loving that I know it’s because he’s “over it” now and I’m supposed to be over it too. Usually I’m not but go along to keep peace because ive found that telling him it’s not been resolved results in even more silence and more listing of my many supposed faults.
How do I handle this? It’s totally mind games, totally crazy. There’s literally no way to deal with it……call him out, he gets mad. Be silent and go about my business, he gets mad. Ask what’s wrong in a nice way, he gets mad and lists my faults and all the reasons he has to be mad. It’s crazy, truly.
So I just found out this latest silent treatment is because I am apparently not affectionate enough. So, he’s moody and gives silent treatment in a misguided ploy to get MORE affection? Are you freaking kidding me??? In what universe does that even make sense? If you want more affection, be NICE to your wife, talk to her, discuss things with her, be trustworthy with your moods, don’t be freaking MOODY. Sheesh. It’s like a toddler, throwing a tantrum to get more attention.
I am into one week of silent treatment. He went out said won’t be long after four hours came back with three drinking buddies (he is not supposed to drink he has cirrhosis) I asked what was happening what about dinner he carried on out to cabin the three guys said they would go I reassure, everything ok just wanted to k ow the plan. Anyhoo when he came in for some snacks they were going to play pool they went out the side gate. He knew I wasn’t angry when he came in he said sorry he didn’t think they would accept I said no probs I can turn everything off. He blames me for their leaving I ,it’s have said something to make three grown men leave they thought they had upset me. Usually he tells me how I a, on my last chance this time he wants a divorce, called me names and told me to FO.
His silent treatment use to hurt me so much. Now he does it to the kids. He did something horrible just a few days ago. After almost 20 years of dealing with this type of behavior, and after what he did. I can only say I see it now as a blessing in disguise that I no longer care to talk to him let alone be around him unless it’s something financial or with the kids. My heart is now free to even think this guy ever truly could care we still live under the same roof as of now. I now run to my Lord and savior for guidance. He keeps whispering in my ear let him go. I have been obedient after all he is Gods child more than anything. There are things you just can’t hide from the Lord he knows the abuse he knows the unfair treatment. He knows, He is my rock and my anchor. I have lived a prison like in my head because of the emotional abuse. But through the years the Lord has guided me well. I now have a job my kids are old enough to be more independent and little by little the Lord had protected my steps. This relationship has blessed me enough to know who really has my back who really is the one who protects me and my children who truly loves us. All these stories are all to similar how my life has been. Today I am going out with my 2 precious daughter. I am going to enjoy the day. I will not depend on an emotional roller coaster of another human bean to determine my day. Today I will choose the joy of the Lord to resignate in me. I pray for you women or men who live this kind darkness but remember the one who will never live you nor forsake has already paid the price for us. Go to Him for guidance ask him for patience and wisdom for yourself and your children. Ask him to give you the strength only He can provide. I pray for you all and I also pray for myself to continue to see all that He has been trying to show me all these years.
Going on year 9 with my husband and he always punishes me with the silent treatment after I say something or do something he doesn’t like. He doesn’t like confrontation and doesn’t resolve issues. Because of this, things never get resolved and no matter how hard I try to resolve the situation he always shuts me down and responds with the same treatment. I learned to leave him alone and give him space so he can have his fit. That’s how I cope with the situation, I call it a hissy fit.
I snapped yesterday while he was talking so loud on the phone. I was playing music with headphones on and I can still hear him. He said i am bossy and was telling me that “you should look at your face when you do that” and I have that “no manners”
Then I walked off a bit. I came back and told him that if you don’t want to see my disgusting manner and face, ill hide in the room. His mouth is zip shut, he is trying to de-escalate the situation..
I admit to be the person doing the silent treatment now.
We were supposed to go out together, he has agreed to come with me the previous day, and of course i went alone.
He didnt check up on me.
This morning, i woke up, showered and went out- while he is also in the shower.
No messages, no nothing, all day. He is just so busy (watching tv) when I got home last and tonight.
Always i have to initiate the good morning kiss, the have a good day kiss. He comes home, he never says Hello. Always he never texted me when I am outside though I know he is waiting for a selfie. So if I dont do it, that means all this doesnt happen.
He would have (honestly) forgotten what had happened yesterday but I am still waiting for that apology for saying hurtful things like this.
Thank you for sharing and everyone for commenting. Somehow knowing that others are going through this, makes me feel a little better.
I hate the cycle. When things are good they are really good, but one wrong move or comment and I’m shunned for days…or weeks.
Most recent my spouse got mad because I was busy helping my son with an email to his teacher, i wasn’t able to give him all my attention. (My spouse was home sick from work, and usually when i get home from work i help my kids with things before my spouse gets home, so any other day this wouldn’t have been a problem).When I got done helping my son, I went to talk to my spouse, he told me to go f myself. I locked myself in our bedroom to cry my eyes out. 3 days later he won’t talk to me or respond to texts. Then today he sends one text “you’re gonna regret locking me out of my own room”. I told him I was sorry, I just needed to be alone for a while, and he never responded.
Like so many have said, at some point he’ll get over it (usually when he wants to have sex) and he’ll act like nothing ever happened.
It’s like walking on eggshells. I never know what will set him off or how long he’ll be mad, and I hate that he never apologizes. He complains about all my flaws.
I’ve tried really hard to get him to go to counseling, but he refuses.
Knowing there are so many other partners like this, makes me realize even though I don’t deserve it, there isn’t much hope. And I can just keep dealing with it. I honestly feel like at some point when my kids are grown, I’ll he brave enough to be done with it.
I am going through the same situation but what is worse is that my mother does the same thing to me. I married the second time and my daughter decided to stay with her dad because she didn’t like my partner. I was okay with that for a while but then it hit me hard. I was missing her too much. So, whenever I went to see her especially on the weekends, he would get a bit angry cause I could see it on his face. He didn’t want me to spend time on my own with her, which I don’t know why. He wouldn’t say it. Eventually, I tried to give him more attention too but I had to work because he couldn’t afford everything. This time, he got angry because I was working and not doing house chores. I have a chronic heart illness and shortness of breath. This started to bother him, too. So, if I do all my house chores, give him all my earnings and don’t spend time or money for my daughter and be intimate with him all the time, he would be very happy. Other than that, he says he wants to divorce me.
My husband also gives me silent treatment. If I try to reconcile he gives it more. So I have left trying to beg instead i leave him on his own. When he feels to talk , he starts talking and forcing me to talk. I surrender always. It been 15 years of marriage.
This blog provides valuable advice on handling the silent treatment from a spouse. It offers practical insights for communication and emotional understanding, helping to navigate tough moments with empathy and patience.
Thanks for sharing, Leslie. Setting boundaries is so important, especially when facing silent treatment. I’m looking forward to the livestream—always helpful and empowering. Grateful for your insight and support!
Both my mother and my husband always give me the silent treatment whenever we argue. I know sometimes it’s my fault that we argue but afterwards they never talk to me unless I talk back to them. Both my mother and my husband give me silent treatment and they both say they don’t want me anymore. If it’s my fault, I always sincerely apologize to them and sometimes apologize a couple of times, but they still stay silent for a long time. I’m about to lose my mind. Please help.
Mindy,
File for divorce. My guess is that your mother was never a “Mom” to you. You don’t deserve that kind of treatment from anyone, let alone those who are supposed to love you the most.
I get the silent treatment at least once a month, usually for a week or so. You know what? I don’t care. Sometimes he’ll go sleep in the basement. You know what? I don’t care. I get some peace and quiet, and the bed to myself and our cats. Punishment? not at all!
Years ago, he didn’t speak to me for 5 weeks. Our daughter was not quite a year old, and I was so busy and happy with her, his silence didn’t matter.
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Currently on day 3 of silent treatment from my husband. I call his behavior during this period his “Mr. Hyde” appearance. Everything seemed great on Wednesday. Thursday morning I had an appointment with my adult son (from a previous marriage) to talk to his lawyers (another story entirely) and hubs wanted to go. When he found out it was just a phone conference, he blew up and said I lied because I’d called it a meeting. He said a phone conference isn’t worth driving into town and wasting the gas. Yesterday afternoon we finally had ‘the argument’ over this and as is his typical way, he dredged up everything from the past that he’s always angry with me about. Almost all of it are fundamental things about me that make me who I am… I like to see my grandkids, but he doesn’t want me going anywhere more than my 2x/week trips to work. So, I began giving the kids a ride to meet up with their father on their alternate weekends with him, and husband is angry about that, too. It is not out of my way to do this, the stop is literally on the route home from work. He brought up that I’m always going to grandkid events… it has been almost a year since I’ve attended a grandkid ballgame or event, at least 6 months. We do live remotely and driving in and out of our road is rough on vehicles, so I understand not going out all the time. But his behavior is more about controlling me, because his biggest complaint is that he’s not #1 if I’m dealing with issues that have to do with anyone else. Right now my adult son is going through something very serious and he’s suicidal. So, I answer the phone when he calls, I go to his court appointments, and I give him encouragement. He went through rehab for alcoholism and is doing well with that, but the legal issues arose around the time he decided to get help, and he still has to deal with them. It’s extremely stressful for me. And whenever there’s ever been extreme stressful situations when I needed his support, that is the time he goes in to Mr. Hyde, always. It’s often been because of that adult son, but it also happened when my sister found out she had cancer and I wanted to go spend time with her, when my best friend was dying of ovarian cancer and I traveled to spend time with her, and he’ll likely do it when my parents become too elderly and need my help, as well. We don’t live near any of the rest of my family, so doing anything for or with them involves travel. He wants me to quit my job as a real estate agent because it’s not making a lot of money yet. I just got licensed last year and it takes time to gain momentum in this career. I’m finally beginning to do that and have almost finished paying off the startup debt from getting into it. Now he wants me to quit because it takes time away from him. Before the real estate, I was going to art shows and trying to make it as an artist. He complained about that, too. However, I’m not going to quit the real estate. I need some way to make an income for myself in the event I need it. Right now, the intention is to be able to contribute to our household. And the more often these angry silent treatments happen, the more convinced I may need that income in my future. I’m 61, and we’ve been married 13 years. This Mr. Hyde business appears every 6 mo or so. Triggers seem to be when he feels left out, is lonely, isn’t getting sex regularly, or I am under intense stress caused by someone else’s issues, which is usually the adult son. I try to keep my stresses from interfering with our lives, and he insists he wants me to communicate, but when I do, that’s when he gets angry. Which leads me to leave him out of it, which leads to him feeling left out. It’s a lose-lose situation. I do try to make sure I’m not being enabling to my son. But right now I’m the only family member he can turn to, and I’m not going to walk away from that because my husband is acting like a child. I don’t ignore him, I don’t neglect him, and I’m home most days of most weeks.
This is abusive behaviour. Read the freedom programme.
I’m giving my wife the silent treatment right now (almost 2 weeks) and yes after an argument that she started and loudly insulted me! She is making no effort to fix the issue, no apologies and not even trying to have a conversation about it! I don’t need no rescue, but at least an apology for calling me unecessary names. I do not disrespect you and I will not be disrespected either. I’m not going to be the one running to fix something I didn’t break and that I didn’t start. That’s not the first time this happened and I have already talked to her that I don’t like to be talked in this disrespectful manner. If she still continues to behave this way, what is your solution?
Going on day 3 of silent treatment. I asked my husband to hang some curtains, which was my bad bc he gets extremely frustrated with these sort of household tasks, but he was in a good mood so I figured it was fine. He couldn’t get the drill bit in the wall or something (drilling into a stud) and he got so mad that he started beating the wall with the drill. I then Told him I knew better than to ask him to hang the curtains and apparently that was super offensive so he’s being a complete jerk and won’t talk to me, won’t eat anything I make… he went into work today and never told me (it’s his day off) and I usually pack his lunch and get him off to work. He came downstairs, told me to get out of his godd*** way, in front of our kids. I told him I would have packed his lunch had I known and he says “you don’t ask me for anything and I wont ask you”. Talk about toddler tantrum. I’ve dealt with this my entire 13 year marriage . He usually kicks me out and takes my car when he’s this mad so I’m just waiting for it.
My husband has now decided to not speak in the morning, go to bed w/o saying goodnight, not letting me know where he is going or if he is even leaving the house. He interacts with our granddaughter (our daughter lives with us) but doesn’t engage otherwise. He has stated that he feels like a stranger in his own home. However, for the past five years he has purposely isolated himself in his office. He chose to eat in his office and not socialize with the rest of the family. He blames me for all of it and says that I have ruined his life for the last 30 years – mostly because our sex drives do not match. I am in menopause – and instead of understanding the impact of that he says I should just go and fix it. When we talk about his feelings, it is all about what I have done or not done and how all of this is on me. He hasn’t done anything but suffer. I love him and cannot even think about a divorce. Oh by the way, I have been the sole provided monetarily for the past 3 years. We do not have a car because he got into an accident and it was totaled so we generally are always in the house unless I decide to rent a car. I feel like all of this is because 1) he feels less than a man because he cant contribute financially and 2) we do not have a way to just get out of the house and enjoy life. We have been married for over 30 years and are in our 50s. I just want to maintain peace at this point.
I have been married for 4 months however. We have been together for 11 years. So that should explain a lot. After many years of emotional abuse and silent treatment for days. We got married and I thought things would kinda change or his demeanor because I thought he would take marriage serious and know how important it was. Recently we have been arguing about money. I created a business for him and he is now doing well. However he seems to have become extremely mean, and acting superior leaving me behind to pick myself up alone financially when we could work together as one. But he said his money is his. Although I have done so much for him. And now we have gotten down to arguing and it’s over a month now, no sex because I haven’t been in the mood. He is furious over that. And has not been talking to me. Our relationship has been very rocky but he is a great guy but sometimes I feel he wants to be that person for everyone else but not his wife. And I can’t understand it. I’m always the one making an effort to talk or fix something. I’m going to taking some tips from this post. Nice to know I’m not alone. This is The absolute worse feeling. I feel like I’m not even good enough for him to care if it’s the last straw. He has basically separated himself. And only buys things that he needs or has to use on the house. He doesn’t even check on me. I’m just shocked by his behavior and confused on why he would want to get married if he knew that always bothered me and he had no plans on changing it his behavior. I told him I’m thinking about separation and he said nothing. Also took my ring off. It’s so hard to wear it when I feel I don’t truly have a husband because he is not acting like one.
God first in your marriage , doesn’t matter what your spouse says or does . You put God first as your first love everything will falls into place . What you say to your spouse that gives you the silent treatment should always honor God first . Marriage is not easy , everyone has their own problems they bring into their marriage . That’s why it’s so important for good counseling before you get married, and understanding your roles as husband and wife . If your husband or wife has a problem , help them don’t fight them , Communication/ prayer/ is key with helping your spouse and your marriage . Give them the love that God gives you , if you have a problem with that then maybe you need to understand what true Love is . Because none of us deserves Gods love , if it wasn’t for his son Christ who died on the cross for you …. that’s true Love .
I know this is a decade old but I needed to comment. Im the one giving my husband the silent treatment this time. This is my very first time doing this and I am on day 8. I’ve tried everything else and nothing works. The issue is that he is financially abusing me and when I try to talk to him he blames me. I do feel powerless and like a victim but I don’t know how I’m contributing to the problem up until the point I went quiet. For years he’s been stingy and not generous and I’ve stepped in and paid half, gone without and just let him use me for everything he wants and getting treated like this in return. Finally I saw the light. This man does not value me or like me. So I put my foot down to not be a pushover and he put the phone down while I was talking… he actually moved away so we’re in a long distance marriage right now. So he took my voice, nothing I could do. I felt powerless so I kept my voice to myself, stopped calling him. We’ll it’s day 8 and I’ve been thinking about divorce this past week and am wondering am I being stubborn? Am I supposed to just let him financially neglect me and silence me when I stand up for myself? Am I really the bad guy when I was left with no other options? Am I the problem?
I wouldn’t label you the bad guy for having some boundaries but choosing not to continue having conversations with someone who devalues you is a very different decision than giving someone the silent treatment. It may look the same to outsiders, but the motives and even the approach is different. From what you’ve written it sounds like you’ve tried to express yourself with your spouse, and he doesn’t really care how you think, feel or want. So what is the alternative? Keep knocking your head against the wall? Or accept reality. If you are going to stay married to him, he wants a robotic wife who does not ask, does not need, does not complain, does not criticize, and simply complies with what he wants. You dont’ want to be that kind of wife. I don’t know if I’d call what you’re doing stubborn. I’d call it speaking with out words. Since he won’t listen to your words, your actions may communicate with him that you’re not willing to continue the marriage “like it’s been”. But honestly, from what you’ve shared, I don’t think that matters to him. So now what is your next right step to get yourself healthy and strong?
Oops I posted to the wrong place. Here it is again, Leslie.
Thank you very much for responding. You hit the nail on the head across the board. I’m glad to know I’m setting boundaries. I think the next step is to focus on myself. I’ve doubled down on my self care and have kind of gotten used to not talking to him. I’m not willing to make the first move. It’s his error. I’m trying to stay strong. Ultimately it will lead to legal separation and then divorce if this keeps up past 6 weeks and I think I’m being generous. But we shall see. I definitely do not want to continue in this marriage as things are with me being “trained” not to express my needs for fear of certain rejection. I think if he understands he will lose me by being this way and continues on in it, then divorce is the only solution. Thank you for your advice and listening to me. It means so much to feel heard. 🙏
Thank you very much for responding. You hit the nail on the head across the board. I’m glad to know I’m setting boundaries. I think the next step is to focus on myself. I’ve doubled down on my self care and have kind of gotten used to not talking to him. I’m not willing to make the first move. It’s his error. I’m trying to stay strong. Ultimately it will lead to legal separation and then divorce if this keeps up past 6 weeks and I think I’m being generous. But we shall see. I definitely do not want to continue in this marriage as things are with me being “trained” not to express my needs for fear of certain rejection. I think if he understands he will lose me by being this way and continues on in it, then divorce is the only solution. Thank you for your advice and listening to me. It means so much to feel heard. 🙏
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This post makes an important distinction taking space to cool down isn’t the same as using silence to avoid or control communication. Healthy conflict still needs a path back to conversation. Relationships also benefit from clarity around expectations and communication habits early on, which is why conversations about values, conflict styles, and future planning matter too: https://helloprenup.com/
We just hit the 50 year mark. I don’t remember this silent treatment in the early years. I guess I was too busy raising 3 children. But it has absolutely been used against me for at least the past 25+ years, as soon as the children were grown and out of the house.
I try to just go about my business when it happens. But it’s difficult. I trust in God and His plan for me and know that He loves me. But it’s a miserable situation when my husband is like this. Tonight it started when I tried to open the conversation about an issue in a calm way, instead he got angry and then sat in the car for over an hour after I went in the house. I chose to go about my business, and he came into the house and got on his phone. Then he just got up and went upstairs to bed without saying a word to me. I am ashamed that this gets under my skin so much, and I seethe and I start feeling hate for him. Then I pray and ask God to forgive me and Jesus help me to bear this cross for however much longer I must carry it.
I would tell any young woman that if her boyfriend, fiancé or husband starts this silent crap … run, get out of the relationship. It’s not worth the pain and suffering. It is emotional abuse and it’s never going to stop.
What this blog has made me realize is that he must feel like he is the victim. It seems I’m always the blame and most of the time the one who apologizes for whatever I’ve done or said to insult or anger him. But I won’t do that anymore. I’ll do my best to act like all is normal. There will never be resolve. We tried counseling. He’s too stubborn and thinks he knows everything.
I used to scream and shout at him about things because I never felt that I was “heard” and I thought getting louder to get a point across would work. But it didn’t. He’d just go silent. So I just go silent too. Like I said. It’s miserable when it’s like this. There are times that it’s. It miserable and I try to focus on those times the best I can. It was helpful to read the blog and especially the comments from others. I couldn’t even read them all there were so many. It’s sad that so many are going through this. But it helps to know there are others out there suffering this silent abuse and managing to make it through another day.
I’ve been married to my husband a year and he did some messed up things I wasn’t happy about. I confronted him by talking (not yelling) calmly and I ended up being the bad guy even though he was wrong in what he did to me. He ignored me and withdrew love and affection for 11 days. I was in shock by his reaction and behavior and he even threatened to leave me. But instead he gave me the silent treatment for 11 days. I felt a lot of anxiety and confusion. But I didn’t give in because he was the one who was wrong. So I went about my days. Sometimes crying all day but wouldn’t let him see it. Finally he gave in and came to me but he acted like nothing happened. I told him we HAD TO talk. I got everything off my chest and we discussed it like adults. A few months have passed and I’m still deeply hurt. Sadly I’m scared to bring up my concerns in fear it will happen again. If it does I’d rather him leave or I’ll just wait it out to teach him I won’t go begging and crying to him for this emotional abuse and punishment.