My Adult Children Treat Me Horrible. What Can I Do?
Morning friends,
We are in a new normal and I hope all of you and your loved ones are safe. It is unbelievable how just 4 weeks can change the entire world. Crisis of this magnitude has a way of introducing you to your best self. Your bravery, your courage, your perseverance, and fortitude. Your kindness and generosity and sacrificial spirit. And for some it also magnifies our worst selves. Our fearfulness, our criticalness, our bickering or complaining, our negativity, our victim mindset, or our self-centeredness and selfishness. Which self you allow to be in charge is up to you. Please take time during these difficult days to nurture your amazing self and put boundaries around your negative, fearful, or more critical self. We all have both, but which part of you is in charge is your choice.
Today’s Question: What can I do about grown children 33 and 36, who get mad at me and are verbally abusive toward me? I’ve always been there for them. I have helped them move numerous times. I’ve listened to them when they were down. I babysit their children all of the time. When they had no food in the house, I brought them necessities. I took care of them after surgery.
When one of them divorced, I made a point of inviting her out to dinner so she could get out. Not that it matters, but we are upper-middle class. We do not curse; we did not physically or verbally abuse our kids. They just lash out verbally if and when they get mad, mainly at me.
I have a neurological disease that affects my eyesight and speaking voice and ability to get my breath as well as a minor heart condition. These two children I’m talking about are my youngest daughters. We also have an older son and daughter. We have no problems with our son and our older daughter went through a “blaming” period in her life, but has matured and knows that her life is the result of decisions she has made.
What can I do about these two girls that cut my heart out with their words?
Answer: It is so painful to see our adult children express their worst selves, especially when it is against us, their parents, who would give our very lives for our children. Sadly there is nothing you can do to change your girls, that is their responsibility. But, there ARE some things that you can do about how they are treating you that may begin to influence and invite your girls to change themselves. You do not HAVE to let yourself be abused. That is not loving them or your own self.
When you are a repeat victim of mistreatment by someone you’re in a relationship with, you must stop and ask yourself what is your part? Please don’t misunderstand me. Taking a hard look at your part does not mean you are at fault for their mistreatment. But you must ask yourself why you have allowed yourself to continuously be mistreated and verbally abused by your own children without protest or consequence? Click To Tweet
My guess is that you fear that if you put your foot down and say to them, “I’ve had enough of this!” you fear to loose your relationship with your daughters and grandchildren. It’s true that they may respond poorly and not call you for a while because you’ve stopped putting up with their abuse. But my guess is that over time they will come to their senses and realize that you love them and they were wrong for the way they have treated you. Your stand helps them be more conscious of the kind of self they want to be. Continuing to allow them to be their worst self towards you does not help them stop to reflect.
But if that doesn’t happen, ask yourself what kind of relationship do you really have with them? It’s miserable and painful. Therefore, it’s time to gather up your courage and put your foot down with your daughters. The next time one of them goes off on you and is abusive, I want you to say something like this:
“I’ve decided I will no longer allow myself to be treated this way. I’m willing to discuss what you’re angry about with me, but I will not allow myself to be yelled at, cursed at, or abused the(or whatever specifically they are doing at that moment).”
Then stop. Watch to see how they respond. If they mock you or continue the verbal tirade, simply say, “ I guess you didn’t understand. I’m not going to allow myself to be treated this way. I’m going to hang up now.” And then do it!
That shift in your behavior will shock them. They probably will call back, ream you out if you answer your phone. If you don’t answer, they will probably leave an ugly voice mail. Don’t call them back, don’t engage, don’t argue with them or get into a verbal war over your simple request for them to communicate with you in a respectful way, even when they’re angry.
You will have to sound like a broken record and say the same few phrases over and over and over again. For example, “I will not allow myself to be treated this way any longer. If you’re upset with me and want to talk with me, you’ll have to do it without (screaming, cursing) at me.” Be specific here as to what the specific abuse is.
If they refuse to comply, hang up or walk away. Your new response is to keep repeating these same phrases again and again and again until they get it. They don’t receive the privilege of your attention or your company or help when they are abusive or disrespectful toward you. If they stop their behaviors, you are all ears and willing to engage.
Sound like a plan? Try it and let me know how it goes. Don’t give up or get discouraged if they don’t respond positively right away. They won’t. They’ll test you to see if you mean it. Stick with the new plan. Change doesn’t happen overnight and your daughters are in some bad habits that they probably aren’t even conscious of. But as you set your boundaries and firm your resolve not to be abused any longer, I believe that your daughters can learn to be more self-controlled and to express their anger or hurt in constructive ways. That is a win-win for everyone in the family.
Friends, when your adult children or any other adults have repeatedly treated you disrespectfully, what part did you change to change the dynamics of your relationship dance?
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I am at a loss as well. I fear that my kids will be just fine with “no contact”. They have their wealthy Dad to provide for all their needs. They have no need for me. Its hard to let go..
I understand the feeling. My adult children and one daughter in law)tend to ignore me, or find something to criticize me about. They live far away but with phone calls it’s usually just me leaving a voicemail for a week until I continue to call…and when I post something to share they ignore my photos and comment on every one of others or there own. It’s really quiet hurtful but not sure if it’s worth making it a problem?
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I like this, Moonbeam. Finding out why they are treating her that way….open the door for some conversation without defensiveness. If that’s too hard to do on your own, invite them to a session with a family therapist, who will act as mediator. We did this with our adult sons when he was in a treatment center, and it was amazing how helpful it was.
Yeah, ball is in my daughters court. She had a great up bringing yet she still is mean to me and makes it very clear she does not appreciate me. she expects constant praise and adoration and its exhausting. She complains about anything I do.
Anything I do that is joyful she finds annoying. She has fears of me having a great relationship with her son, trouble is its because she has a close relationship with her gramma, to the point they exclude me. Thats her fear, he will feel that way about me and do that to her. so she keeps him from me . The more he loves me the worse her childish selfish fear is.
Yet she and my mom think their relationship is amazing, Its exhausting…
i can meet face to face
It’s not going to happen with the way her mom and son maybe too close and having sex and masturbating in the shower I do not know hopefully that’s not the case
If a snake bites you, do you chase it to figure out why it bit you, or do tend to the wound so that you can heal and take precautions so that it does not happen again? Communicating that what they did was hurtful and that it won’t be tolerated may be constructive, but asking them why gives them a chance to make excuses for their abuse. If you are dealt with a cluster B personality disordered person, that is a road you do not want to go down!
is jealousy involved bc you are happy and she isn’t?
My adult kids have been good to me for the most part. One of my daughters needs my babysitting help but doesn’t seem to want a relationship beyond that. When we are together she often ignores me when I try to talk. She doesn’t look me in the eye and always walks ahead of me by 10-15 feet.
Basically I feel that she sees me as an annoyance or someone to barely tolerate. I respond to this by not participating in conversations and never complaining. I’m afraid if I speak up or walk away she will cut me off . She did that for several years with no explanation when our granddaughter was an infant. I often just want to stop babysitting but my granddaughter really enjoys the undivided attention she gets and all the games and crafts we do together.
It’s exhausting like walking on eggs.
I am in the same boat. Almost exactly. I have a 3 year old grandson and I babysit him everyday since he was 2 months old. We are very close,my daughter married a guy who is old,verbally abusive and drinks. He is a great provider but that’s about it. I am so afraid they will keep me from my grandson if I say anything wrong. My daughter wasn’t raised like this. It’s awful
My daughter and your daughter could be twins. My daughter decided to stop working and suddenly the first opportunity she cut us off and we no longer get to see my grandbabies who were with me everyday. I even took them on weekends Iif needed. I gave up my 100k IT job to babysit while she finished school and once she graduated, I was no longer needed. My question to you is….you say she cut you off when your granddaughter was born and it lasted a couple years. How did the relationship rekindle at some point? Did she reach out? Did you? I’m devastated. I feel like I’m grieving a death. I cry so much. I’m trying so hard to keep busy and move forward.
Yes my 45 year old daughter treats me this way as well like I am an annoyance to her
She and my 14 year old granddaughter live with me for the last 5 1/2 years since her divorce
I am never in their conversation and when I do say something she makes me feel stupid we never do anything together anymore. And yes we can’t have a simple conversation does not even look me in the eyes when she talks to me
Don’t know what to do
They live with me and I pay all the bills
She gives a few dollars to pay mortgage but that’s it
Her friends she treats them better than me
If I was financially able I would leave and let her ha be the house I am a 68 year old widow of 3 years and back working full time
Don’t know what to do so upset and it hurts!
I’m in the same boat too as well I have a daughter that lies to me about everything and especially when I help her with car payments food money you know groceries insurance today about the car insurance and the car payment I made it last month but she didn’t pay it I called up there so I’m going through the same thing she’s 44 years old I don’t know what to say I don’t know what to do I’ve done told her in a nice way if you can’t stop lying to me I’m not going to help you anymore but she just refuses she overtalks me and says in other words the lady at the automobile place is lying and so many words so I’m just I don’t know what to do I prayed about it I’m still praying about it so tomorrow she wants me expect me to give her $470 that’s too much for a used car I knew she was lying anyway her car payment is not that much so I don’t know what to do I just don’t know somebody help me please
I have a similar relationship with my daughter and at my grandson grad she blamed me for not taking enough pictures of her and my grandson and for wanting to leave early. We had separate cars. She basically ignored me, sitting right beside me and would get huffy if I asked her a question. She has always treated me like this and I finally exploded and basically had our first big fight. I just can’t take any more of it. I honestly don’t really care if I see her again. She is basically a Bi^%$. I loved my mother so much and we had the best relationship. I do not have that.
My adult daughters are very abusive and I regret having them. My son on the other hand is nice. What to do
Only have my son in the will because of this.
What should I do?
My exact situation, it am needed to babysit which is the only time I hear from her. I am afraid to confront her as she will keep my granddaughter’s away
smother her with kindness,dont be a doormat.But just smile and be happy.
Im sorry to hear this.. I do have a selfish self-absorbed, entitled, narcissistic, old daughter who thinks the world revolves around her, and everyone should bow down and do everything for her, and that I owe her something somehow and she thinks her childhood was so bad when it was the total opposite, my oldest daughter thinks she’s a spoiled brat too but anyway, I think what you need to do is to get a court order you can get a court order from the courts establishing visitation rights to your grandchild and she probably lose so she tries to cut you off again you can go to court and demand that you get some sort of visitation rights to your grandchildren. It’s a thing now and a lot of courts will give grandparents a certain amount of time to visit their grandkids and there won’t be anything she can do about it because she can’t prove that you’re a bad grandma and the fact that she let you around her children and babysat them while she abused you and threatened to take them away from you and cut you off for no reason she’ll never be able to do that again you won’t have to walk on eggshells anymore. This is how you get your power back. There won’t be anything she can do to come between you guys ever again
I know how she feels I have a 40+ son who tells me to shut the f up all the time. It’s like he hates me and doesn’t want me around. He only lets me come see my grandkids when convenient for him. Life sure as changed for me.
I’m here reading his for help with my 3. Daughter tells me the same thing .. when she’s not being my best friend. Gosh how do we deal?????
I think life has changed for a lot of us. No respect from our kids- one of mine tells me I need to earn HER respect!! I think all the young adults these days has lost their damn minds! Could you imagine talking to your almost 68 yr old mother?
Yes mine has also. When my husband passed I was accused of killing him at the viewing by his sister. I told her if I could I would have took his place so I wouldn’t be stuck with them. After that everyone in the family did the worst things to me for no reason,but when I didn’t die in the house f ire they we by yount off the deep end & every moment was just trying anything & anyway to get rid of me.i finally got a apartment away from where they are but I just barely have any furniture or anything. Its just me & my dog. Nothing I do is right & all they do is
make me feel totally useless & stupid. I won’t ket them take over like they want. I was told if I wanted any help from them or anyone. I would do what they said when they’re said it. I can’t do that. It’s wrong. They would be dead if it wasn’t for me. I know they did everything to me & if I do without & first least I was true to my dog All the way to the end. They aren’t. They do &;say all they can just to hurt me. What do they think I will do? They know I won’t give ion to them.. We spent 2 1/2 yrs. In a utility building without water, plumbing or anything. They want me to put my 23 yr old dog., just to hurt me I won’t do it. She’s been there they everything & she’s still there. She doesn’t expect anything from me except love , they want & have took everything’s but her& my life & still not happy. I’m trash to them .At least my dog & myself know we are still there for each other regardless of anything else . The more they lie ,& say I can have if I put her down makes me stay alive another day. They. hate the fact I’m still breathing. The only reason they gave us that’s what they want. That’s not a reason & when they finally figure that out it will be too late for them .they may get worse treatment than I did. I try not to think about that but they will get what they deserve I some form.
I felt every word of this 🥺l as if you read my mind… But mine is my eldest daughter (31) she has floated in and out the last 12 years,dishing out verbal abuse and cancerous like hate that has nearly eaten me alive,as she has pulled my 3 beautiful grandchildren in & out of my life, one day I’m mom next day she announces I’m dead to them for a year or two at a time. My heart hurts so deeply and seeking help, have you ever tried looking this up ( it’s always your parents have been bad to you🤔🥺… No not every parents been horrible and no,none of us are perfect) it’s so disheartening.
I’ve just learned in therapy that this behavior is called “Stonewalling” .. not that it’s fixed me,but it’s certainly made me feel less crazy. 😥 I have spent so much time on my knees in prayer with God trying to find answers and I’ve come to accept that perhaps He knows something about it that I don’t..
So now I’m letting therapy help me work through these Raw emotions.
I pray that you and all here find peace 🙏🏻🕊️
I am so sorry to hear this, I don’t know why we are so angry. I am angry at my whole entire family and pretty much the world right now. I was molested by the neighbor who babysat me worked at post cereals in Battle Creek and I never told anyone because I was so young and I really didn’t know what was going on and I think maybe the confusion of it all has turned into anger and also as a very late 40 something Asperger’s diagnosis has made me pretty angry too because I was pretty misunderstood growing up and now I am completely misunderstood by everyone including my family.
While my youngest son lay dying in the hospital, my daughter and other son decided to pull out their fingers in point them in my face for my youngest son being an alcoholic. He joined the Air Force at 18, lived for 15 years on his own, but somehow it was my fault. No one in the family knew he had a serious drinking problem. He made it through thanks to a liver transplant and has change his life. Both my daughter and oldest son have cut me out from any contact with my grandchildren. However, my daughter’s kids are teenagers and they call me weekly. My son’s kids are much younger. They are both abusive and quite frankly, not having a relationship with them is a relief because of their on going verbal abuse. I refuse to be anyone’s punching bag!. Its sad and I miss the 3 grandchildren I don’t see but not the relationship with my son or daughter. Life is a series of choices. We must find the courage to face the truth no matter how ugly it is. A child’s personality is fully formed between the ages of 10-13, the choices they make are theirs. Just like the choices we make. Cutting the cord from abusive people is freedom, no mater who they are. You will get through this Michele and come out on the other side stronger.
My 30 year old daughter has become so verbally abusive I can not even talk to her anymore.
Omg Michelle , don’t talk to him that’s disgusting he talks to you like that. I know you want to see your grandchildren but with that behaviour they will only copy him and also become abusive to you. Just stop engaging and if he contacts you the minute he’s rude say ‘ I won’t be spoken to like dirt and hang up’ .
My daughter is so explosive that she will call her mother who I has been the best mother on earth a fat dementia b**ch and then come around ten minutes later like nothing happened. It’s so bad it becomes physical on her part. I believe that she has a demon im her because humans cant act the way she does.
That’s horrible you need to lay down a boundary that you will not tolerate the cusing and verbal abuse and say when you want to treat me with respect call me then leave
Tell him to look at you as a friend not a mother, and you do the same look at him as a friend stop being his mother, and start looking at it as a friendship not a relationship. see if that changes anything.
i can meet face to face
I understand your feelings. It’s quite abusive when children you have given so much love to & treated good their whole lives treat you with such malice. There is so much out there giving mothers hell, tearing us apart as terrible moms, but no teachings about how mean our adult children are because of peers or spouses when we have done nothing except love & support. I’m presently going thu extreme emotional abuse from my daughter, because she has friends & spouse that don’t like me because I’m a different race. My daughter is bi racial. They have told her to cut me out of her life & the children’s lives. I was there always to help her until these people pushed her in this direction. I cared for the kids, cleaned her house, did the laundry, cooked the meals & played with my grandchildren. Spoiled her when she was growing up. I was a very good mom. Now she dont want me in her life. Has thrown anything I had at her house away.
If you think your children owe you anything simply for being there parent you’re wrong.
It seems to me you believe your relationship with your children is transactionary. You feel like you are owed because you raised them.
This is not how real life works.
Ew. I think expecting our grown children to maintain a lifetime family bond with us after we moms have given them the BEST 20 years of our lives is quite reasonable.
Youre entitled to not share perspective on family values, to not expect love or respect from family; but if i nurtured YOU for twenty years, youd best be sure we are a family!
When parents raise their children with love, children owe a debt of respect. They gave you life. If you cannot be grateful for that gift, then you have failed to understand the basic nature of what you have been given. The only parent you don’t owe something to is an abusive one. And most of the time, even they are probably deserving of compassion for the circumstances that made them.
No, you are wrong! God Almighty cares and will hold them accountable. “Treat others the way you want to be treated. “. Do you honestly believe God is okay with adult children mistreating their parents, especially when they have given the shirt off their back? A parent has every right to be treated with respect. It may not be the way “life works,” but it still is what God, the judge of every man and woman commands and that is for sure. Everyone must give account as to how they treat others.
What about honoring your parents as the Bible says
God? Is that you??
Strongly disagree with your opinion. In my opinion, parent child relationship is deserving of respect of both parties. There is a given take that happens, particularly as a child becomes an adult. At that point, there should be mutual respect, unless there’s been a bad situation or trauma. Most of these parents have spoken about how much they have done for their children. I’ve seen a level of disrespect in the current generation toward their parents that I myself would never have had toward my parents. This is devolution from decency and should not be tolerated.
Exactly what I would expect a man to say,. The parent who never goes through this. They never rage at the father (even if he is a bast to them; always the mother)
The children either fear or worship Dads like you and you did nothing to deserve it, probably. Your wife did everything and you maliciously decided to turn her children against her. That is why you sound so smug.
Do you have children? Does it make you feel good making statements as such? Empathy is the word. Adult children should show respect and appreciation. When they don’t it is very hurtful and if it’s not happening to you, be grateful.
You sound like one of those horrible parental alienators who is usually the CULPRIT in these mothers’ heartbreak stories. You were not man enough to be the husbands these women needed, you abused them and they left you. Now you are trying to get at them through the adult children. I hope your children turn on your miserable ass and you will be alone and everybody knows old men don’t survive as well as old women, so it won’t be long.
Really? I can’t believe you actually put that in writing. EVERY person that is breathing deserves a measure of respect. None of us are perfect and the Lord says to honor your father and mothers and your days will be long. In Old Testament times, if you dishonored either of them you were put to death. It’s apparent that God was very serious There is some good in the worst of us, because we were made in God’s image. Our children, young and adult absolutely owe us respect.
Um so your say that the parent still owes the child? What did the child pay for how many nights did the child stay up taking care of the parent drying their tears calming them down from nightmares making sure they were fed making sure they had clean clothes on their backs making sure they had a roof over their head. What is wrong with you? The child at least owes the parents some respect and they don’t need to be abusive!
They owe her respect she’s deserving of love from her children. She sounds exactly like me. She’s deserving of having her family her grandchildren are your rewarding life. You need to rethink what you said to her because you’re wrong.
Oh Papaboy every human being “is owed” respect or we as a species will self destruct as we are probably are already headed. Thnx for your share.
My question is what about yourself? do you believe that you may deserve respect? Not just from your children (if you have them) but in or with anything that you’ve ever possibly achieved, accomplished, overcame, sacrificed, saved, taught, etc.?? I agree that using the word parent, just as a label, is for sure not enough to receive 100% respect in all forms. That doesn’t seem to be the situation here for these mothers and fathers though. Their referring to more than just the label. Their referring to the entirety of the word parent and what it means beyond that.. no matter if they may not be/ have been/ or are the best one or the worst kind. So, apiese me if you’d be so kind. Mind sharing ways that you believe in your journey of life that anyone does, or should have respect for you due to your tribulations mentioned earlier?
I repeatedly bail my children out and have been their problem solver. Respect is respect. It has nothing to do with being “owed” anything for being their parent.
Understand, if you did your part don’t fret, it is just like other inherited bad traits and they will have to deal with the bad behavior example they are setting in front of their children towards you. It WILL be reciprocated back towards them by their children. I tried to correct my ex husband’s disrespect towards his mother in front of my children and know it was detrimental. Am I going to allow that done to me, Heck No! I’ve warned them that it isn’t smart to kick the leg out from under the table you’re eating at. And I mean it. I refuse to reward bad behavior.
That’s rude. No one said they own us anything. We mums just want to be treated with respect and kindness. That is all.
especially with self centered kids.
Hey they owe respect at the very least!
You sound like an awful person
The devil is a lie and so are you dear one.
Respect is due all. We don’t have to live nor be committed to others, in order to give or be respectful towards them.
It’s easy to see why you would come to such an untrue conclusion.
First, our creator, commands us to honor and obey our parents.
As adults, we make our own decisions for sure. Whether adult children should obey parents? Respectfully, they don’t have too.
But if/when the adult children gets to the point, where they just can not respect your parents for any reason:
1. Keep/babysit your own kids. Get those you do love enough to respect/ honor to feed and sit them Free.
2. Pay your own bills. Stay your hands out of your “detestable, unworthy” parents pocket for money for any reason- go to those friends you have respect and honor for- yes this includes the absent parent, his parents, his siblings, etc
3. Better yet, go while you have a chance. Repent, talk to mama. Take her hands and tell her you’re sorry meaning it.
4. Still step back as you work on you. The best way to do this is to loose, get rid of the pride. Now You, pray first for wisdom to understand. Then look up and study carefully every scripture you can find on children’s role to parents.
You’ll be pleasantly surprised as you obtain far more than what you initially came for.
I’m at: [email protected]
We don’t get but one mother. It’s not as though she created herself either.
The Lord God in all created beings and even nature, had a divine plan, purpose and yes end for us all of eternity.
Our behavior, how we treat our God, neighbor, parents and needy, brings upon us a “Determinate” end from which there is no stepping back, alternatives nor repentance/second chance.
I encourage all adult children “Fix it and fix it now.” If this is not doable now- step back, let go, take your hands off and let God do as only He can- then return in peace, love, respect and honor.
Yes, I have a profound exhortation for the “Overbearing” faulty or misguided child rearing. Wisdom and understanding comes only when we become determined and faithful to learning and sharing the process we each had to experience.
I pray for change in my own family. Yes, I’m glad this channel is here and you too.🤗🔥💯
Yes it is,your children do owe you, just as much as you owe them, unfortunately it shouldn’t be about who owes who what,family is important they deserve the best from all parties involved, everyone counts and love is the only emotion that helps you thrive in a world that holds so much hatefulness, if you can’t count on kindness from your children what is the point of being a parent, so happy I grew up knowing how to be good to those I love! Peace always
Pappadaddy
You are 100% wrong. And it is males (I won’t call you a man. Real men like my son are rare now a days) like you that are responsible for raising disrespectful, self entitling, selfish, abusive, self-centered, unkind, foul and just plain ugly adults.
We are owed respect for our care, guidance, love and time. All unwavering and immeasurable! I will be damned if I let my daughters continue to disrespect me. It stops now. I won’t give all 3 another ounce of anything if they even attempt to continue to be disrespectful to me. I would never have allowed them to be disrespectful to anyone in my presence let alone my husband as he does to me. Weak (sometimes bread winning) disrespectful fathers show disrespect. Then their children follow their lead. They are selfish and just want attention that they never got when their children were young. And it destroys your marriage and ultimately ruins yours kids. All to satisfy their understroked sad ego. I say to elderly women find kindness and love in your
community! Give to others, because that’s what truly makes us happy. Don’t let it harden you. And pray that our kids find themselves again and come back to us. But THEY have to earn it. Never settle for abuse! Ever. We can do this. Or we can sadly do without them! 🙏🏼❤️
I gave my body, my life, my everything for my children and always put them first, at all the games, bought the dress, got the hair done special so she could feel better about herself, went to counseling with her and now she’s acting like I tied her up in a dungeon and fed her bread and water while giving daily beatings, I was an abused child and she has no idea what real abuse is.
This is real life sir. I was the one that put her life on the line to carry my saught & not short her just because I could have due to health reasons. I was the 1 that had everything inside me tore up so bad I had surgery right after her birth. But I still did what was right in raising her correctly with respect for people. I was the first one she’s abandoned & turned against when I was found with a terminall illness. Then she did her dad & other family that way. STILL it was Me that she took from in the form of my mother’s land I inherited & she was holding for me until I needed it. I was the 1 that started coughing up blood faster than they could put in back in me only to hear nothing from her & when my niece was contacted by a lady who worked at the hospital because she had told her to if any family ever came into the Er., it was me who heard her fuss the Er Dr. & want to know why I was there when all I wanted was attention. ,I was also the 1 that after a 6 hr surgery in Birmingham, that again heard her voice ,& after more cussing ,heard the Dr. tell get off since she wasn’t paying my bills or anything. When I got home 3 days later MY CHECK was stopped over the phone . Again I Was the 1 who went 4 months without lights, water ,anything . ALL those great people who would help people they never saw before were the ones responsible for it &
it & then the ones who tried blaming me for a house fire that same right. I had to get the Dr. I was at until 8 pm to come & tell people there wasn’t a way I could have done it due to the medicine I was under. But then still I WAS THE ONE that the niece did everything she.could while the fire was being put out to try her best to not only start problems with others but blame me for all the problems she started that night by trying to blame every problem, every moment of hardship ,& everything including her behavior towards others & her actions that night as my fault.People who are not the cause of every bad moment of bad experience in others life care in the REAL WORLD. That night again she did every unthinkable thing she could to do me wrong. I was again proven not to be at fault of all she accused. Me of by the power company to employees who watched & heard her from too the power poles for the home. The real world now is still that those who kept you alive & raised you when you were unwanted by the right people deserve & will get the respect of those they helped even if those people don’t know or see the worth of that act or those people. I was set up from. that morning until late that night in her mind & she deserved to do this to me. The real world sees & knows the value of right & wrong even when those who should don’t &never will appreciate it at any cost. If I had been in your real world I would be in prison & dead now. THE WORLD that’s REAL for people with values & ideas that built this country is STILL THE 1 THAT GOD watches over & runs He doesn’t worry About what he will get out of doing right & others who think they run everything & everybody that’s alive.
I
And you are another disrespectful “woke” adult child from the Miillenial or Gen Z generation! You’re pathetic! I hope you get everything coming to you down the road!
Were you a hands on dad? My ex husband, who barely had anything to do with my sons upbringing..is highly thought of..All I really want is the respect I deserve, as a parent.
Wrong. They owe us respect?n rrespectful comunication & gratitude.
Tell us you are entitled , much.
They owe us a minimum of respect and kindness. Most of us aren’t asking for anything more, and if you think otherwise then we’ll have to agree to disagree.
Really you don’t say? You mean rude disrespectful mean cold B.S behavior is their right? I don’t think so. Time for them to learn to be positive souls on this planet. Just because you gave birth does not mean you owe them shit either. You treat people with dignity and respect. Read the damn Bible. Were you born after 1998 ? You sound horrible and I bet you think your owed something. YOUR NOT. AND I HOPE YOU GET WHAT YOU GIVE 100 TIMES OVER.
That is a STUPID response. No, they don’t owe us anything for raising them, but they do owe us RESPECT as adults, as being there parents and as human beings.
Wow! I felt that I owed my parents for being the best parents. I was so appreciative of everything they have done for me. . They paid for my university, they helped me buy a house, they babysat my children and they had my back , always. I will forever be grateful and I showed it.
Really? We don’t deserve respect when washing their clothes, giving them money as long as they need, cleaning their room, solving their troubles, standing by their bed when they are sick and need help, do everything they ask from us and above all love them
And the moment we say our opinion on certain matters we get f..off, back off, slam the door, ignoring…but hey, they bounce back when the need. From where I come from, if you ask something from.somebody you out to be respectful and that is it. Otherwise, don’t ask. My father cursed his old mother all the time, forbid me to ever see my mother as a child, …tortured us emotionally. And he was adult, hear hear..adult. yes! Kids own their parents respect. Or you are just another mean terrible human in this world unfortunatelly. But those kids who behave like that…weren’t raised like that! That’s why all the pain.
So think before commenting like that.
Mothers have the right to expect that their children will treat them with love, care, consideration, and respect. You thinking that a child owes a parent nothing is so wrong. That you would even dare such a thing just shows how far abandonment of Christianity to replace it with me generation psychobabble has destroyed our country. Your statement is appalling.
You said:
“If you think your children owe you anything simply for being there parent you’re wrong.
It seems to me you believe your relationship with your children is transactionary. You feel like you are owed because you raised them.
This is not how real life works.”
Let me tell you something. When a mother carries a child for nine months, and would do anything for them and has loved them, protected them and provided for them. The least you can do is be respectful of your parent. That is not a transaction.. This is common decency, which clearly you don’t have. So if you don’t have anything nice to say to these women that are in pain, Shut up, what comes around goes around that is the law of nature.
The Bible reads in the 10 Commandments to “Honor your Mother and Father”. If GOD said it then it’s TRUTH. It’s the only commandment with a promise or a curse if you choose not to obey the commandment.
You sound like a narcissist.
Wanting respect and common courtesy from our adult children is more than reasonable.
Of course they owe you and they do for ever. To look at my dad or mom and feel like I don’t at least owe them respect is ridiculous.
Owed respect if it was always given to your kids. But in real life our children are entitled, selfish and greedy. I’ve mourned my only daughters relationship with what should be but that isn’t.
I’m done. I love her dearly, but don’t like her or what she values. They are so opposite of my own. I respected her opinions and differences and was met with distain, disrespect for mine. And she treats her friends and strangers better.
I’m choosing absence for disrespect.
Agree!
CONDITIONAL LOVE !!
Parents deserve respect from their adult children as much as they deserve respect from their parents
Kids don’t have to spend time with their parents or do much, or be buddy buddy, but outright disrespectful behavior and verbal abuse is absolutely uncalled for. . This is so serious that in the biblical law, the punishment is the death. Conversely, in the biblical law it states that honoring one’s parents comes with a promise of long life. Interestingly, we are witnessing, for the first time in history, parents outliving their adult children.
Stfu! Real life is and has been changing! And how would you know that? You are a man! In short, I know alot of the kids’ problems arent addressed in school, for example; How we should act as people in this world , how we should treat people, especially , the ones we love, like family, & how to protect yourself in a relationship, or how we shouldnt live with our best friend. Or not to steal, & what that does to economy! Having gratitude, not judging, not bullying, etc. the better approach, ive often been told in my sons schools, or by different therapists for the boys or myself, is “WE NEED TO BE ON THE SAME PAGE”! Or things dont work out or work out so well! So many families do not have both parents and both sets of grandparents , aunts, uncles & cousins. Its a single parent or an untraditional situational set up. (Gma, or an aunt & uncle, group home, detention center etc. there isnt the same amount of family etc. to help with carrying the weight,?each child needs.
But I as a woman in this world , I have lived it, witnessed it, and do not always like it! If a man isnt around, or in these childrens lives growing up, or to be supportive, teach them things, like how to treat a female- or how females think of guys as friends, no diff than some of their gf’s! And how most males will say or do anything just to get sex with you! So it is hard for woman as a whole to be the ones to do usually raise kids alone, or with bf’s in and out the f their lives, or gf’s etc. out in society, woman are not paid the same, as men. We arent respected by our bosses or co workers like men are respected by them. Because men are stronger , maybe make more $, maybe arent raising their kid(s), hv time for more re bars, or fun, or hv the $ to blow on fun things or get what they want faster, so many sitos. But most all men think women are below w them! Thats how it is for daughters, sons, etc. so because we arent consistantly taught , shown, & questioned on how we should be to each other, thats in my opinion how it continues to change this world! And alot of females do play on that, by what they wear or the way they act, its sad… bcuz thats not the way to get attention! Why do we need to hv that kind of attention, to get a male ti notice us? Because z they like it, lol becuz they want to cheat, because theyre not being taught to respect woman, or to take their time, get to know her! Its all sex , sex, sex! It sells! It carries disease! It breaks up relationships! It makes people lie! It has made it an easy world for men to get sex in alot of ways these days, online, hookers, workplace, rape, murder, sex trafficking, kidnapping, insest, you name it! And more and more woman are alone , stressed or struggling, aging, over worked, uneducated, treated disrespectfully, made to feel stupid pid, were used, manipulated , unhappy, the list is huge! Especially when we start to get wrinkles , menopause tummy or fupa, etc.! Hell then all the men our age want younger woman! Idk but im sure that plays in to how daughters treat their mothers, they never had an equal shot to be mentally sound, with all the bullshit thats really going in in the world! Mostly caused by the things addressed above. Woman! Need to be treated better, and men need to be taught, life will isnt all about fkg! Baby mammas crap! Focus on family and raising your children the best possible way, instead if “gettn mines” as they say, not caring about someone feels and dumping them for a younger, cuter etc. ruins lives! Control that pecker ! And get to know her first, dont give it up so easy girls! And all that! Its hard being made to feel like we are less! When weve done the most! This isnt about every single man or woman! But its the biggest problem we got to address in this world!!! Men arent out here getting raped and killed!!! Little boys arent reped and killed near as much as the girls then killed but i do know that it is happening too and shouldnt be! Just to get their 🤬 rocks off! Smh absolutely Pitiful!!!
So, how does it work?
I totally disagree with your statement, sorry. Disrespect is not acceptable and they should have some respect for us for raising them. There are mother’s out there that get drunk all the time, abuse drugs etc but get treated with the upmost respect. I see it with my own. Especially after my husband, their dad died. Many adult children of today treat us like crap and expect us to still treat them well. Totally wrong and abusive behavior .
Im so sorry youre going through it! Me too and its so painful! I especially agree that theres too much out there blaming parents, or suggesting we “raised them that way”.
I agree with the commenter who said its the new generation- theres so much narcissism and entitlement! Social media has created a false sense of community, selfie centredness, and technology has us all rather isolated. Especially kids from parents.
I dont even get calls on my birthday or holidays. I raised him well, put his needs before mine, gave him the best twenty years of my life! Now hes just absent. ADHD means “outta sight, outta mind”. When he does communicate, its wildly disrespectful and abusive. TMI, sigh. I hear you mum!
I understand. Same. I only received gifts when I had a condo on the beach in Florida and when I look back now, I realize I was basically being used so they could enjoy my home at my cost.its true. I don’t receive cards or gifts after I moved. Very hurtful. They know better yet treat me as if I’m already dead. Sad but I keep moving on
I am having the same problem and its breaking my heart
My son has ADHD and is nothing like that. He is a very loving person.
My comment was for the poppadaddyor vise versa! It just pissed me off because he doesnt have a clue how woman feel and how we are emotional people about some things especially our kids! And i think thats part of whats wringvin thus world. I see alot of ther things that are reasons too. But learning respect and having gratitude & integrity need to be drilled into oir childrens heads better
Hello I am going through the same situation ever since her biological father came into the picture .she has treated me badly and at one time attacked me I know she’s on some kind of drug. I have giving my life to my kids and my grandkids but now I’m nothing.i currey take care of my oldest daughters son and now she wants us out and we have no where to go .I’m also facing possible cancer.any advice ? My grandson is in 11 grade and 3 months of school left he will fell the grade of moved to a different school..I’m at a lost she said oh he can stay here but you need to leave I rent from her and we don’t even have a stove ..please help
This sounds familiar to me, being in your daughter’s position when I was in my 20s. (I am in my late 50s now with grandchildren of my own). Is it possible that you say things that come across as controlling or critical? It’s easy to overstep our adult children’s boundaries and correct them when we babysit for them because we see things that we think they should do differently with the grandkids. And we think we know best because we made those same mistakes with them. BUT it may or may not be a mistake and if it is then it’s their mistake to make. Unless they are abusing or neglecting their children physically because there are no perfect parents. Incuding us. When my mom babysat for me she took credit for raising them just because she kept them for me while I worked. She would undermine my authority with my children in front of them. Instead she should have been bragging to her friends and family, while I was standing there, about how responsible I was at providing for my family and caring for my children. THAT would have been what was best for everyone…me, my kids and her. I don’t know why your daughter is behaving the way she is but your power lies in self reflection. What is your part in the relationship? That is all that we can do in any relationship…see our faults and do everything to correct them, set healthy boundaries, listen to their feelings and respond respectfully ourselves, truly get to the bedrock feelings that are going on. I didn’t even know what I was feeling back then when my mom behaved this way toward me. When we as parents didn’t teach our own children how to be in touch with their feelings and to communicate they will treat us this way. Personally I believe if parents treat their children with respect (in the present) the children will treat the parents with respect. Yes when there are hard feelings from the past it will be hard to communicate respectful but it is a must. Work through the old wounds and resentments . Maybe get a therapist to be the mediator to insure the real problems aren’t getting side tracked with nonsense. People are experts at avoiding the real issues. It’s our primal instinct to do so.
I’m glad your relationship is good with your daughter and your grandkids. So was mine for many years.
Until I started having problems with my husband. Always say, let’s see what the kids think. And I would say it’s none of their business.
Needless to say , he started spending more time with them in my relationship with them suffers now.
I refuse to talk to my kids about our marital problems.
So things changed.
I hope you never go through it.
it’s heartbreaking.
This generation of adults ( Millennials and Gen Z’s) are beyond disrespectful, selfish, and disgusting. It has nothing to do with the way parents raised their children so these therapists and counselors can burn that dated textbook. Society and social media platforms have brainwashed our children. Only GOD can fix these relationships through prayer and fasting. You’re wasting time with professional assistance because this is uncharted territory for them and they truly know they don’t have the answers. Temporary cut them off and let GOD fix the relationship… it’s the only alternative we have that we know will work.
Thank you I agree wholeheartedly of what you wrote, all of it is excellent!
This hit it right on the nose thank you
First point, you’re the generation who raised this generation. Any faults are your fault.
Secondly you come off extremely self-centered. You seem to think That your adult children with their own responsibilities should respect you simply by virtue.
I’m sorry to say but if your children disrespect you it’s probably your fault.
You are so very wrong to say that if an adult child is disrespectful it is the fault of the parent.
Any person disrespectful to another person doesn’t care about others or they have deep seeded issues causing them to act that way.
Adults need to take responsibility for their actions. If they are rude and disrespectful, then they need to find out what life is all about and learn the golden rule of treating others like they want to be treated. They shouldn’t go around blaming others for their unkind behavior. Grow up, look in the mirror and start thinking of another person and how you can make them feel good or help them to have a nice day. Make a positive difference in someone else’s life by a kind word.
That goes for family members and parents.
No parent is perfect or near perfect. But no mater who is disrespectful to you, it hurts 10 times worse when it is your child. Especially if it happens often.
How we act is a choice. Our adult children need to act like an adult and choose kindness over hurting someone with mean words.
Absolutely unacceptable and disrespectful comment- suggesting an emotionally abused parent is to blame. You exemplify this topic perfectly. Why be here? We have enough BS to deal with at home.
Did your parent do something to make you feel this way? just asking
Yes you are wrong ! Adult children should visit and respect their parents !
That might be true if we’re talking about a 12 year old who is being disrespectful. We’re not. These are ADULTS who need to grow up and own their choices.
I’m guessing you’re not a parent of an adult, but rather one of the disrespectful children. When you have your own children who are adults, come back and apologize for your ignorance. This generation (20s and 30s) is the most narcissistic generation to date. That’s societal and largely a result of addiction to social media.
No one is saying that an adult child’s life should revolve around their parent – only that there should be an acknowledgement and appreciation for what that parent has given. It’s basic respect, and yes, it’s deserved and shouldn’t have to be asked for.
I completely agree. You see it again and again with many of these “parents”. Emotional abuse is real and if your child has strong feelings against you,it’s unlikely you were actually a good parent.
I agree it seems like many parents in here DEMAND to be treated a certain way because they feel they are owed by the children they raised or they don’t see their children as human and only their child. Treating them like this will likely result in no contact, to recieve respect you need to respect aswell, many parents see no reason to respect their child but expect their children to respect them.
Well just bc you raised somebody right doesn’t mean they will live by the same values bc I have 2 sons … 2 years apart who I raised together the same way and they are very different… And as adults they are responsible for their own behavior so at that point the parents are not “at fault.” But without question all people need to respect one another even if they are different and disagree… Even if they don’t like one another.
That’s not true it’s probably not her fault. Children are awful they’re all going through something. She doesn’t seem it also centered I think she seems very hurt. Have you ever heard if you can’t say something good don’t say anything at all. Especially if it’s going to hurt someone that’s already hurting.
Darling I can tell you that your kids will come around eventually but in the meantime you be strong. The weaker you’ve seen to her right now the more she’s going to kick you. Go to some local places like community action. I would tell my landlord that she needs to get me a stove. You can always pay the rent to an attorney that protects you in situations like this. Be strong remember that be strong you’ll have her second guessing you.
I feel really sorry for you. You’re condescending statements show how simple your mind truly is. Do you have kids? You don’t even have kids, do you? You have got to be just a troll getting people worked up right……?but if you’re not God bless you, you are one ugly man and something really bad happened to you when you were a little boy and im sorry for that. Misery loves company though. More importantly all your statements are irrelevant to this conversation because they’re simply ignorant. So troll the next site. Anyways On another note, I hope God opens your eyes to see the real world. But most of all I truly feel really bad for your mom and dad. We all got to grow up sometime n when boys dint understand that we get big boys like you. Move on
Nah. This is not how life works.. As an adult and you are responsible for yourself and who you have chosen to become. Every time you respond, you are choosing. You are what you are when you are upset and angry. If entitlement comes out. You are entitled. If love and compassion comes out when someone hurts you, then you are compassionate. If anger and nastiness comes out. You are nasty. You are responsible for who you are. It is never wrong to want to be treated with love and respect by your family or to want and deeply desire good loving relationships with your adult children and to grieve when they have over the course of their own 20-30 years of adulthood chosen to become entitled hateful monsters
– from a hateful monster of a daughter
What’s the real deal with the need to blame? Sounds like someone’s Mommy and Daddy were not nice. Your taking it out here on these folks. Ah another one who won’t take responsibility and blames everything on the world. Mommy and Daddy hurt you? If so you need to get right with yourself and know they may have been treated so bad. They may be mentally f’ed up. Break the cycle please. Let it go man. Your stronger then this. I am sorry you were so hurt. They are messed up. Don’t take delight in hurting people . It will only hurt you.
You try to say everything is her fault. No, it is not. You’re not sorry. You’re an abuser. Your opinion has no validity.
Pappadaddy said:
“First point, you’re the generation who raised this generation. Any faults are your fault.
Secondly you come off extremely self-centered. You seem to think That your adult children with their own responsibilities should respect you simply by virtue.
I’m sorry to say but if your children disrespect you it’s probably your fault.”
Yawn gas lighting 101
Omg, and say you don’t have kids
I agree. My Gen Z daughter is shocking rude, always talking about wanting to “f off and leave you and dad behind” she can’t wait to leave us – permanently. She leaves for university in September and tbh I’m
Glad. She is so very nasty. There’s been no abuse on my part at all. If anything I’ve been too soft on her ..Her father used to smack her butt gently as a child if she acted up, but he stopped when I told him not to do it. He’s a kind and caring father. We have tried to bring her up to be polite and respectful but she’s the opposite. Rude, bitter, belligerent and downright selfish. She’s 20. She blames us for being an only child but after she was born I became infertile and can’t have any more children. I was devastated.. she looks at me like I’m dirt. A lot of hate in her eyes. I just don’t know what to do. I am almost suicidal due to this. Please help!
Dear Helena I am so sorry that you are suffering and that you feel so hurt. Please hold on to your conviction that you should not be treated poorly by your daughter. It is not ok for her to be so purposefully mean and unkind. Try to hang on to the fact that she is young and behaving poorly now, we hope that with age and experience that she will grow up, mature and become a better version of herself. But I understand that it hurts incredibly bad right now and feels luke a permanent situation. I am going through similar, and it is all so fresh right now that it just feels even more intense each time it happens because all of the times it occurs it brings pain from previous occurrences along with it. Please hang in, you are certainly not alone.
Wow, in time you will heal. She’s immature , but you have to stand your ground. You cannot allow her to speak to you like that let her go on to college and don’t let her back in your house under any circumstances until she is remorseful and shows that she is willing to change. Otherwise, she will continue her disrespectful behavior, and she will grow up to be an older adult that disrespects her elderly parents. Nip it in the bud. These kids have to learn just like the rest of us the other day I took my house key from my adult daughter because I’m so tired of her trying to make me feel as if I don’t know anything about life, and trying to control what I use as sources of reference in our discussions.
Hi Helena, so sorry for your pain, I would say please go to your Dr ,and ask for some counselling.
I’ve been going through it for a long time, and it’s still happening.
I’ve learned to trust myself and try to keep busy and keep my brain from thinking ,ie walking enjoying the birds all the sounds ,volunteering, with seniors ( whom have wonderful insight about life in general) , doing for others , can really make a difference.
I’ve recently been going to Aqua size classes, ,where I’m having fun with others ,who Respect Me!
I’m planning on growing my own garden this year , I know this will give me some self satisfaction.
So Helena , never give up hope, just take care yourself and your husband, enjoy your time together.
Blessings and cuddles from Canada 🇬🇧🇨🇦😇🙏🌺🌸.
I feel your pain. Please just take a moment to remember who you are despite your daughter’s selfishness and abuse. I’m in the same boat with my youngest son. I just had to block his calls. I was a good parent to my children and would give both of them anything I have, but I will not accept being disrespected by a person I spent my life taking care of. God don’t like ugly and he’s not too fond of pretty! Find someone to talk to. You can call the mental healthcare line and they will talk to you and give you resources at no cost. Stay STRONG.🩷
My daughter is 20 and lives with me with my grandbaby
I barely get to see my grandbaby. They keep him in the bedroom and I barely get to see hi m. I support all of us and pay all the bills, buy most of the food.
I raised her pretty much by myself .
They let his family see the baby all the time , just not me . My daughter will barely even look at me
I feel so much hate coming from her. I do everything I can for them so they can have a good life and I’m like a prisoner in my own home. They have the master bedroom., park in the garage
It’s like it’s their house and I’m just renting a room , yet I pay the bills. It breaks my heart to where I don’t want to live anymore.
Do you think it might be time to set some boundaries on what you will do and what you won’t do? It sounds as if they are taking advantage of your kindness and you are allowing it.
Please don’t take your daughters actions and behavior personally… Don’t take it on yourself bc it is her behavior not yours. Know that you have done right by her and love her and that she is responsible for her actions. (Try to minimize the amount of time you spend with her… May help you feel better… Bc she doesn’t appreciate you as she should and is feeling bad within herself and projecting those bad feelings on to you. (Just walk away when she talks that way and breathe… Take care of yourself.)
Well, according to the date of this post, your daughter must have already moved out and started college. Could you please give us an update on what has transpired since?
Thank you for your very insightful input……agree totally with every word! It is a blessing that you shared your thought-filled message. Many need to understand that it is the society that we live in today…..the schools, universities, churches, media…..you name it …….and no matter what the children learned in the home……when they left home …… the infiltration with college, friends, et al…….influences that were contrary to all they learned in the home ……. CHOICES……WE ALL MAKE CHOICES…… and those choices become convictions. We pray, we love, we let go……God is always in control.
If you love someone you set them free. Sadly we have to accept even though we have given our all ,lovingly bringing them up, in my case well over 20 years , ok so we are not their cup of tea . I feel for all these heartbroken Mums&Dads . Mine are on the spectrum and empathy and loyal love aren’t their strong point. You just have to accept you did your best your duty as a parent and now they want ties to be severed. I’m not confident they will come back, no they will find another family of choice leaving us to feel raw with hurt and confusion. I agree with those above, its a different world and our children want to live in it regardless.
Oh my gosh, I needed to hear this just right now. Thank you for speaking theses truths.
I have devoted my life to my now adult children. They are rude, condescending and disrespectful. I also have been very successful in my career, and have accumulated wealth. All they want to talk about is my estate plan. They want money now . I have recurrent cancer and may need assisted living. Sometimes, I think about unaliving myself
I totally agree! I just cut my daughter off, after abuse for several years now. I will be able to take care of myself without giving all my money away, and not babysitting all of the time. I will not be disrespected for being a good parent, and being blamed for the mistakes that she continues to make. I’m Free
Yep, I agree, Tina… I am there now… Walking away is less painful than waiting for change.
This is 100 percent the truth now. We live in a era of disrespect. These kids teenagers young adults are so badly behaved, violent, no respect for elders period. Something has to change. Waiting for the answer. Don’t think it’s xoming
Hey Professor JJ
My guess is that your reply might not be a popular one; although, it contains truth. The so-called therapists and counselors are part of that generation, and I wonder how many of them actually respect God. Can they respect God and tell countless people to disrespect their own parents? I think not. Prayer and fasting won’t do it, because rebellion cannot be harnessed. These people who are hurting, abusing, and disrespecting their parents need a complete character transformation: It’s called repentance. God can do marvelous things with someone who repents. Someone with a hard heart…can only be broken and reap the consequences of their own behavior. Unless they repent, things will only get worse.
My daughter has been abusing me (without my permission, by the way) for decades. Nothing that I have tried has worked. I have apologized for everything under the sun, sometimes for things I didn’t even do. I am guilty and NEVER proven innocent in her eyes. Guilty of what? gets me no response. She hasn’t been able to come up with one answer when I ask her what I have done. Oh, I know that I am not perfect, but she has not once over the years been able to give an example or situations, just blanket generalized requoted verbiage that I know did not come from her own lips. She loves to punish me by going no contact too, watching me twist in the wind. Still, no answer as to why on that either.
These people derive a lot of power from controlling, degrading, blaming and putting down their parents. In the old days, these young people would have been put to death or punished for this behavior. These days, they are rewarded. That is why it continues. On whose planet are parents required to be perfect to be respected? These younger people are doing worse than what they accuse us of doing and are being rewarded. We have done and do better and are cursed. Scratch my head. I wonder what their kids will do to them?!
One thing is certain: God, not some therapist, commands that we respect our parents, and He is not going away anytime soon. Those of us who have instilled the right values and done our best, repenting when needed and really owned our mistakes, should be respected by our children. They are required to honor their parents. The failure is on them if they don’t, unless we did not own our mistakes. Even then, they are required to honor their parents but should stay safe so that they are not wounded.
Just my opinion as I hurt yet another day because of my daughter’s false accusations, character assassination, and further banishment. Geesh!!!
I hate to break it to you, but if your daughter is making accusations and repeatedly goes no contact with you then you are definitely part of the problem. It kinda sounds like she’s been repeatedly telling you what’s bothering her, per your own admission, but you claim you have absolutely no idea why she is upset with you? She doesn’t give an examples (I find this extremely hard to believe) or do you simply dismiss everything she says to you out of hand because you do not feel that you should have to listen to your own daughter?
I have an n-mom who makes all of these same claims, is always the victim. Goes around to anyone with an ear with her sob-story. The fact is, she was verbally and physically abusive, neglectful, incredibly narcissistic and would often lash out in tirades that had me fearful of her until I grew larger than her. She’s been directly told the problems that have lead to our estrangement numerous times, but according to her, none of this ever happened.
Sadly, she’s had some of my relatives under her spell for years and has permanently damaged my relationships with my family members. Recently, I’ve caught her red-handed in one of her lies and now at least two of my family members see that she’s quite a storyteller now but unfortunately I will never have my years of abandonment by family members at her hands back.
Sarah. I totally relate and sympathize with you. I’m about to give up. Lost my husband, disrespectful adult children. What to do with my estate? That’s all they care about. Sara. Your comments have given me some hope
Sara,
This “Jay Teller” person who replied to you does not even know you. He does not know your family. .He does not know your situation. However, he immediately projected onto you his own perceptions regarding his life situation – and condemned you. There you go. That is how the minds of these people work. They imagine things, convince themselves what they think is true, then come at you as if “they’re right”. It is all delusion. The man is so clearly projecting onto you out of his own imagination, that shows you how he also uses his mind to condemn his own mother.
This generation is the one “in touch with their feelings”. No one told them that is equal to be spoiled, selfish, and basing understanding on “being in touch with their feelings” propels them into a descent into madness. They’re delusory. Look at Jay attack you with no basis in facts at all. That’s how he was taught to function by the me generation psychobabble crowd of “identify your feelings”.
He has “hurt feelings” so he assumes someone has “done him wrong!”
He’s lost sight of the truth that a selfish person has hurt feelings all the time because he wants the whole world to revolve around him and throws a tempter tantrum when it doesn’t.
Me generation psychobabble has ruined the character of the younger generations and made them delusional. They don’t understand that they can feel something, believe it – and it’s not true – like the 3 year old throwing a fit because mommy didn’t love him enough to buy him the toy he wanted! Give him the extra piece of cake he wanted! Surrender her whole life to make everything all about him!
And he’s the victim!, he thinks.
Mommy is mean! – in his own deluded mind.
Look how he leaped on a woman he doesn’t even know whose situation he does not know.
Exhibit A of these out of control selfish spoiled people destroyed by pop psychology that explores their own feelings and “identifies injuries from narcissists everywhere all around them who don’t give them what they want when they want it their way!”
Jay Teller said:
“I hate to break it to you, but if your daughter is making accusations and repeatedly goes no contact with you then you are definitely part of the problem. It kinda sounds like she’s been repeatedly telling you what’s bothering her, per your own admission, but you claim you have absolutely no idea why she is upset with you? She doesn’t give an examples (I find this extremely hard to believe) or do you simply dismiss everything she says to you out of hand because you do not feel that you should have to listen to your own daughter?
I have an n-mom who makes all of these same claims, is always the victim. Goes around to anyone with an ear with her sob-story. The fact is, she was verbally and physically abusive, neglectful, incredibly narcissistic and would often lash out in tirades that had me fearful of her until I grew larger than her. She’s been directly told the problems that have lead to our estrangement numerous times, but according to her, none of this ever happened.”
(more in his original comment)
This was very helpful. Thank you so much. This is exactly what I’m going to do after putting my foot down about how my two middle adult children treat me. The 2 of them gang up and collaborate what the other is saying. One is a narcissist, at best. The other is needy and goes along with the other, whether it is right or wrong. The icing on the cake was when my daughter did not have permission to drive my son‘s car who is in Boot Camp, presently. She was visiting from Florida, she got into my safe, took his keys and took the his car. When I came home from work, the car was gone. She claimed my son gave her permission to take the car, which I knew was a lie, because he had told me not to let anybody take his car since he didn’t pay the tags and hadn’t paid the car insurance. When he called me on Sunday from Boot Camp, he confirmed he never told her she could use the car. Somehow, this got turned around to me being horrible and now she doesn’t want to talk to me because I am manipulative.
This is consistent with her behavior and one of the more minor things she’s done. Was my only daughter so she probably was more spoiled than three boys. However, she’s 26 years old and her behavior gets worse, like I expected, as time goes by..
she’s needed me to pick up the pieces in her life on numerous occasions. I’ve had a kick her out of my house for giving my 16 year-old drugs. Kicking her in my two year-old grandbaby out of my home, was the hardest thing I’ve ever ever done. But that was also the most miserable I have ever lived. That is Boot Camp now, after living with my daughter for a year. When he came back to my home, he begged to move back in with me and cried because he was so hurt by his sister‘s behavior. He said, “my sister is not a good person“. But when I put my foot down my middle son sides with her, which gives her the support and leverage she needs over me. Ultimately, when I make her accountable, I lose my grandbaby and my other son. This week, my son lied to me. When I tried to hold him accountable, my daughter stepped in. Even though I’m not talking to her because of what with my son, now she’s disowning me because I’m selfish and I’m the problem. There’s part of me that’s OK with it because I have put up with so many years of manipulation and abuse. That’s what my mind says but my heart hurts, I can’t sleep at night, to loving social worker during the day. I gave my kids everything, except my sanity, which I feel like they succeed in taking.
Please save prayer for me and my family.
I appreciate your response. I’m replying bc I feel the same way you do in that I think it requires divine intervention. I have an adult child (daughter) that is extremely disrespectful towards me. I’ve gone to therapy bc of her in the past and currently. The therapist wants to explore unresolved grief as a mode of treatment. Not sure if this is what will fix this ailment with my daughter. My daughter needs help. She she’s everything as my fault. There’s so much, I could go on and on. I think at this point she needs to get back to church, her faith, AND, God needs to fix this relationship, if we’re going to have one.
Perfectly stated!
My family is dealing with our 53 year old son who suffered a severe TBI in 2004. It was a hit and run while we were vacationing in Breckinridge. He’s never quite been the same and was initially paranoid, but the last several years something has changed dramatically. He unmercifully verbally abuses our family. He uses the vilest language, words that no one in our family would use. He has threatened everyone in our family, even our grandchildren. He has never carried a weapon, but does now. He is now completely out of touch with reality. He hears voices telling him “what to do and not do.”
He torments us when he wants money. My daughter is terrified of him. He has refused to get help all this time. In November we filed a petition for involuntary commitment. We did this as a last ditch effort to get him help.
His number finally came up last week. We had put him up in a hotel so we had an address for him because he was living in his car. The Sheriffs Department went by hotel and he wasn’t in his room. They knocked on the door and left. He loves to walk and he was probably out a few minutes. They went again two days later, and he was out again. Same thing, the hotel opened his door for him. He looked around and left.
After all this time, we were devastated because we were notified that day that the Judge closed his case.
He could hurt someone but no agency or judge in Alabama cares.
I’m done. I will no longer take his threats, conspiracy theories, and vile mouth. It’s devastating, but we have NO rights. We’ve repeatedly been told there’s nothing we can do. All avenues have been exhausted. If the mentally ill refuse treatment, you are out of luck, and we wonder why we have mass murders!
I’m 75 and we have literally contacted every mental health agency in Alabama for years
with zero help.
So I’m at peace to cut all ties with my own son at this point. After all these years, I told him I will no longer be his whipping post. He is no longer the son we knew.
Brenda I have fear for you and your husbands safety I would get a restraining order and stick with it if he comes back to your home call the police tell them he has been trespassed by you it’s a little are you tell the police you verbally read out loud to him they will then make an arrest I’m telling go this buyout say he’s mentally ill that along with his abusive nature towards you both often times can be a recipe tor some serious anger to elderly parents
I know I spoiled my Gen Z daughter and her father even more so. It was the culture no one is to blame really. I feel sorry this generation never learned coping skills or suffered enough to grow – I am guilty of fearing to get tough or real with her as my parents were on the other side of the pendulum. They were tyrants and monsters. I broke the cycle of abuse but it didn’t help anything. I refuse to feel guilt it’s the resistance to accepting reality that’s the most painful.
I did, but he didn’t. Estranged for 18 years on and off, but mostly off. Devastating to me.
Older son is now threatening this. And won’t let me see my grandson because I don’t agree with transgender bio men in women’s bathrooms or locker rooms, and I don’t agree with bio men competing in women’s sports. That’s all.
I actually think this attack was a set-up, because he asked me if he and his family could move in with me, and I had to say no because he doesn’t help with anything – no rent, no utilities, no internet, won’t cook, won’t clean, won’t fix anything, won’t mow the lawn, and frequently starts fights with me and his youngest brother. “300” style, kicked his youngest brother, all of 115 lbs, down the stairs, punched him in the side of the head while little brother was giving him a ride to his girls house, threw a ceramic plate at his little bro, and cut his nose…. he greatly adds to my depression that I’ve never been loved…not by my own mother, not by husbands, not by my kids.
There was this huge sweep in the road, coming out of George AFB, to Apple Valley. I had just gone through a nasty divorce I didn’t want, so here I was at a new base. But the terrible hurt of what I just went through was on my mind constantly. Everyday, when I approached that huge sweep in the road, I thought, “If I gun it and stay straight, I should be able to go out in a fiery blaze. “And that did have a great appeal somedays.. when I look back at all the years raising my kids, and see the wonderful things we did together, I drop into a great sorrow at the horrible things they say to me now. I never said things like this to my folks, my Das would have beat my ass from here to China. Plus, back then, you knew what someone was talking about. The coded messages full of hate from my son, is so foreign to me, it doesn’t even seem like the same person. But now he has a little boy, and he went right to taking my grandson away from Mr. These kids have beat me up for so many years, and I know I can’t win either them, so I feel like giving up. They brush me off with “you’ve already lived your life.” So now, I just want to die. I am a broken person and I just can’t take any of this anymore. I want to die.
Yeah I agree with you 💯✔️ My situation is very similar to Leslie Vernick. Very Sad but True. Todays adult kids have No respect whatsoever. It’s Very Heartbreaking 💔💔💔😭😭😭
I was a horrible drunk 30 years ago, I no longer drink, haven’t in many many years. Now my 2 grown Son’s are horrible to me,( they don’t see it that way),. Putting me down, telling me to hurry up and save money, to get out of the house, me and my other son share! They just don’t get it! I have taken care of my youngest son, Enabling him, for the last 20 years carrying all the weight best as I could, him hooked on heroin. I always say, I lived the drug life, Never did the drug. He’s clean 10 years now, and has no respect or appreciation, my heart is Sooo Broke 💔😪
It’s called grey rocking you. Not fully engaging with you,giving you brief or one word answers.
I know how you feel. I have a son who over the years has at times been disrespectful and quite ugly towards me. I have always stood by his side. Now he has a longtime fiance and little girl. They both openly mock me, laugh at me, make fun of me, why? Because I am sensitive and as they put it “an easy target”. They recently came to visit and behaved the same way. I said nothing. Mothers day came and I had to reach out to my son because he ddidnt, he said he called no answer from me. He lied, I had my phone with me all day. Anyway, I laid into him via text about how he and she make me feel, and I wasnt tolerating it anymore. I told him I am your mother and am I owed your respect. That was 4 days ago and heard nothing back. I am at the point I dont care if he wont contact me. I have been cursed at by him, physically threatened, verbally abused and I have hit my point of not caring anymore
I used drugs and was not there for my kids but that was many years ago in a nurse now and have been good to them. I forgive but it gets worse and worse. My dil hit me yesterday I over compensate bcs my past I love them but I’m coming to a place where I see its not reciprocated.it breaks my heart but I’ve gotta let go
It could be that they are so insecure and self-centered that they view everything you do or say or the way you look … As a reflection on them. My mother has been that way to me for years. Nothing I could do or say way ever was enough for her, but as an adult I see that she has a low self-esteem that causes her to belittle me… Putting me down seems to bring her up and increases her confidence in who she is in her own eyes. It’s very sad, but I have learned her behavior is hers and I just minimize my time with her and love her anyway… bc she’s my mother.
I’m broken as well, first of all I left an abusive husband 15 1/2 years ago, I didn’t want him o have my children to grow up in a home like that….they were 3 and 4….i raised them by myself……everyone tells me how nice of boys they are , hare working, the whole bit…..they told me how much of a good job raising two respectful and kind men….
I don’t understand why they are so hateful to me….they are 19 and 20………the youngest is the worst…he went to live with his dad, as his dad is gone away all week working…….l.and my oldest is there also………they wanted to be more independent…….i said being independent is paying you bills, paying for rent, phone, hydro etc………..anyway I left that conversation alone, I just said it calmly.
I texted my son (younger) ans he said What Do You Want!! I said can u answer ur phone please….he said NO…..I said please I don’t like texting…….(I was close to his dad’s house getting gas) …so he was being so rude and I didn’t understand what was going on…..so I went to the house cause he will not speak to me the way he did, I’m 59 and no kid of mine will speak to me the way he did………..so I calmlly I went in the house and up the stairs where he was laying playing the video games (the ruination of kids)
He said WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT….i said i just want to know why your so angry with me, what did i do……..he said you annoy me, get the fuck out of this house……..l.m like please don’t speak to me like that.
I said to him what said I did do?? He said I wanted to move out and get away from you, I’m 19 and I had to live with you that long…..l.lsaid well I had to raise you, and take care of you all those years……now your old enough to move out……
He said I wanted to do my own laundry and you kept doing it, I said it sat there for 2 weeks in a hamper in front of the washing ,machine, you never did it, and you could have …….so did I treat you bad do you think?? Then he was all defensive F this and F that……..then he said you cared to much for me, and it was annoying!! )( I’m thinking is that is how u treat someone that cares for you I wish them luck ) I didn’t say that tho.
Then it was back to swearing at me get the F out and leave me alone
I moved on o get away from you ! ………I said you did what ever you wanted, I wasn’t stuck in your face, you were always in ur room playing there game, or gone to his gfs……l(I don’t know why he thinks I drove him nuts, I I never said boo to him or followed him around …….
But when he wanted to discuss stuff with me, and we’d talk and I gave him my advice, he didn’t like what my answer was, so he got mad, I said I’m 59, I lived life, I don’t want you to make the same mistakes as me……..he said I have to learn on my own……I said yes, I was just telling you……….or he’s tell me something and didn’t like my answer, IM NOT changing my mind to make him happy….im his mom. And thst was my answer….
Anyway I’m at a total loss….man oh man he’s an angry man…….IM like wow. Wow. Wow……….im wondering if he’s doing drugs…….but he worked and attends community college taking animation…..so I don’t think….he prob smokes weed some ..his gf does for frig sakes..
Any adivice is welcome
Why are moms crapped oh and dads are the hero’s…..he only bothered with them about 4 times a year, when it was convenient for him…….i stayed home on disability taking care of them with lots of love
P
I am in the same boat Sarah. I live in the Midwest and my son and my daughter-in-law and family live on the East Coast. my son is constantly wanting the attention of his father and even though it has been explained and he’s seen it firsthand he still sides with his father and wants his attention so badly. I also have issues with my daughter, she has actually made up things and use them against me towards my son. We use to be really close, but if I don’t call him, I won’t hear from him unless it’s my birthday or possibly Mother’s Day. He has four children that are small and I miss them all terribly and have requested FaceTime that hasn’t happened either not even at Christmas.. it’s super tough. I know the hardest thing is knowing that it’s not your fault. I have not stood up to him either. I feel like I need to, but then it just causes problems between him and his wife.. I hope and pray for you that your situation will change. Everyone is different to finding the correct way where the better way to connect with your child is difficult, but I don’t know about you, but I’m gonna try a little bit harder this year. I just hope I don’t lose him.. take care…
I know how you feel. We only had 1 daughter ,& in 3011 hrr dad passed. I was already disabled ,& she had no use or anything to do when someone got sick . She turned on me ,& the gen her dad. After his death I was just a problem she had to deal with. I had raised my sister’s 2 girls & none of them would help for anything. If it was possible they refused to do anything just so I felt worse. My daughter has 3 children that I have been kept away from in purpose to hurt me more. They never do anything they tell you they will & they don’t want to be bothered with you around. If idk anything they later find out-i did it wrong or why did I do it to begin with. I lost EVERYTHING in a house fire. The fire was set on purpose to get rid of me & when I got out ok they
Acted so badly. When they finally got to my house when it was on fire, none askk me anything. They left me & hi my dog alone while they huddle together accusing me of setting the whole thing. . I’m not even good enough to go to my daughter’s home & she has no time for me ever. They will just start anything they can & when it’s right they take more from you. When I said I had nothing else to loose they ask what I lost at all. They lie about everything for what I don’t know. Anything that can do to make me unhappy is what they want. I couldn’t do someone this way at all. I don’t text well at all anyway but I couldn’t sleep ever if had their way of life on my head. They know better but they don’t change ever.Anytbing & everything they can do it says to me to hurt me us all I ever get Everything is always wrong with my llfe & I’m not going d enough to be around them at all.. I’m exhausted of trying to do everything over & over again to get it right for them. I’m never going to be accepted by them for any reason ,& they don’t think about what I gave up yo care for then. Im just trash.
Entendo muito bem essa situação, tenho uma filha que mora comigo e um neto pequeno e nao tem nenhum respeito com ninguém da nossa família, e evitamos um confronto por conta do pequeno que ela tem, mas a situao alem de ser dolorosa está ficando insuportável nao sabemos mas o que fazer!
Mine do the same thing and I just learned to ignore them as well. It’s hard to do so but I can’t spend my energy worrying if they reply to me or not. Their good and I’m better.
Anewanon , same here. My ex has made sure that he is all they need. I dread the mile stones in their futures that I will most likely be excluded from. It’s hard not to know if they are ok. I want to let go so I can move on. They want nothing to do with me. I pray God can lift their pain. I honestly don’t understand it. But I need to let them go.
This all sounds so terribly painful! It is possible that your abusive x spouses still have a stronghold on your children’s brain. They can be in denial. Often they have no idea how you suffered, often for their benefit to create a peaceful or happy home. Many of us ran interference over and over again to deflect the abusers antics. The children often didn’t realize what we gave up to make everything seem ok. They weren’t in the marriage they were just the kids. I also know that many abusers never accept responsibility for their actions and deflect all responsibility back to the victim through blame shifting and projection.
I have a couple of thoughts, to the writer. Do you value yourself? Prove it. Disrespectful language is wrong no matter who does it. Do not tolerate it. Have you been taking care of yourself? What do you look like? What activities have you been participating in? Are you fun to be with? Do you have boundaries and do you ever say, no this isn’t a good time for me to babysit? Do you dwell on the past or give unsolicited advice to your adult children? These things are hard to look at, but sometimes we just need to check ourselves first.
Then there is the other group, who is still be abused by their abusive spouse. The abuser has more money, more splash and flash. If they are a narcissist, they are grandiose and love their public persona. Realize they are very, very crafty and they will continue to fool many, many people. Heck, they fooled you once. You believed their attention and bravado was because they cared about you, really they just wanted to control you, they never cared a bit about anyone but themselves. They still only care about themselves and it probably looks good for their public image to have their children singing their praises.
As women (men too) healing from trauma and/or emotional abuse we can’t let that kind of disrespect be a part of our world. If people aren’t 100 percent in your camp and are your advocate, you just can’t have them in your lives. They are deceived and under toxic influence. It seems counter intuitive to decrease your contact with your kids, yet they have indicated, they don’t really care what do you or who you are. I say, live you life fully. They will take notice. Be your best self. It may include accepting some really painful losses. Live in the fullness of the truth. Pray the relationships change, but they may not. The kids may be too far gone and under the toxic influence that was so difficult for you to leave. Speak the truth when you get the chance and then you have to let them go. Find new sources of affirmation and love. It will hurt, but some messes can’t be fixed. Live the best you can in the life you have now, let go of the fantasy and dream.
I rejoice in these timely answers. If I may give a testimony … my h is narcisstic and he has a seemingly good relationship with all of our 5 children. I am glad in a sense. As each one is an adult now, but throughout time they have had difficulties with him and I would (I think respectfully) address each of their challenges without trying to change my h or them(we just know it isn’t possible). In hope that our God will give my h circumstances that may bring what he needs to see his errors of character. God has, but no real change as I can see… I have suffered much and did not know how to get healthy until I have joined the Conquer Journey Group. It is scary to get our “drink” of affirmation from some place other than where we have been seeking, but all of our family members even if they were good to us still will not be enough… they will not satisfy us fully. Taste and see that the Lord is good… this may sound trite if we sluff the saying off and think it isn’t for us… but it is for us. Our God does want to be our portion, our refuge, our well of living water, our ______… friend and Savior. As we suffer, we can turn more fully trusting in the One Who sees us. He will make a way. My pain with our oldest daughter is she seems to be too busy to do much with me, but that is ok. I am guarding my heart to not “pull” for anything from her. Lately I am taking better care of me by going to the gym(before this stay at home edict) by my self. I have found some encouraging people there and started to make friends. I am fasting from sugar – Wendy Speake has a following in Jan. each year to fast for 40 days to seek Jesus all the more. There is a devotional book and FB encouragements. This I am doing myself. My daughter noticed me and actually “rejoiced” in how I was looking. I believe our kids will notice our uplifted spirit… and if they don’t then that is fine. I also have found some other people in church who kind of can be like a daughter(or even an older lady to be a friend)… I want to be respectful and keep looking to the Lord to fill me and to ask Him to bring these daughter/friends to me, but there are plenty of healthy young adults who would like attention from a respectful godly & motherly or friend-like mom like me. Everything Leslie is saying is so great!!! We do not need to allow abuse to continue. No relationship is better than dying inside and believing a lie of who we are. Emotional Joy is waiting for you as you step aside the fiery darts.
Lois, I applaud your efforts to become your best self, and we can only do that as we engage with Christ and allow Him to do His transforming work within us. Move on, and don’t look back. Our God is our portion, our daily supply. Yes and Amen!
Wow, Lois. Thanks for those encouraging words and ideas of how to overcome a hurtful relationship.
I know that I need to find a place to exercise and I definitely need some Godly friends. But, so called friends at my church make me feel uncomfortable to the point where I don’t want to go there. They are not true friends. Starting a new church is not easy either.
My struggle is with My daughter who can be very mean and hurtful to me and this is causing me to have great pain.
She is angry but not only angry towards me but others at times. I truly believe she is struggling with depression. However, she doesn’t think so and blames others for anything she gets annoyed with.
She struggled in high school with depression and it is worse now. I was the one she leaned on continuously.
When she was sick she would get upset if I left her side. She wanted me by her constantly. And I did sit by her on the couch many times when she was sick. I remember being there for her always and with how she treats me now, it is confusing trying to understand why she is so mean.
She is married with two children who I love and adore. I want to be with them as often as I can. But, last week her abusive behavior made me draw the line. I haven’t spoken with her for a week now and I miss the grandkids terribly. I want her to know that I won’t continue to take her abuse. I have told her this time and time again , she never changes and then I call to connect with the grandkids.
I haven’t called at all for a week and I don’t want the grandkids to think that I don’t care about them by having no contact.
I really don’t know what to do.
I understand the gist of what you say but that is a bit of victim blaming, I believe. I have physical conditions which affect the way I walk , sometimes I fall asleep, and in general, I’m aging. I would like to think my child, who is a physician, would have more empathy than to criticize my appearance (she does) or mock me to her fellow physician spouse when I nod off during a movie. You can do everything right, and then you find you happen to have a brilliant, wealthy, mean as a wet hen child.
Well said!! 💖
I am in the same boat..done everything now I feel.like chewing gum in her hair..shameful
👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻🌟
I am 70, my children are 47 &50. They cut me off 11 yrs ago. Last yr my daughter said she forgave me in a message. We started talking, met twice, she explained that I was abusive, her recall of event was way off, which I understtod to be possible but also due to my ex, their stepfather being a sociopath, who triangulated us. She never calls and still sees me as the cause of her grief. I felt unwanted so I waited for her to call, maybe 2 months. She finally text me, then ignored me all day. Finally called me to tell me it was my job to call her, that she didn’t need to call me. Not how I taught them, we always contacted my parents.
She ended up screaming at me for saying she can call, because I felt she was so busy.. I was suppose to call her early. too, hard for me.
I started off appologizing and letting her know I love her before I realized what the problem was. I could sense she was upset in texts. She just started screaming and I couldn’t get a word in. I have gone through years of being manipulated and fighting to be free, so I no longer tolerate it.
Her expectation that a relationship works when one gives and the other takes just saddens me, it’s just like my ex. I tried to tell her I won’t allow abuse doubt she heard. I did tell her I felt the same way which pissed her off more. She said she felt abandond and I told her I know the feeling after 10 yrs of her estrangment. I regret not just hearing her out, my bad. I had to hang up. She then text me she blocked me and she hates me. My response was obviously. I could have done better. I really feel she sees no need for her to take any responsability for her behavior or the hateful things she’s said for 30 plus years. I’m sick that I brought that person into our lives. Sick that I can’t help her. She just graduated college with a BA in child development. I know she understands and that it doesn’t seem to help when it comes to her feelings. Thanks for giving me a place to release some of this pain.
If her stepfather was a sociopath those kids went through helll. I speak from experience. They have every right to feel as they do. Especially if this went on for several years.
Candy,
Please pay attention to the me generation psychobabble of the woman who commented in reply to your comment.
She said:
“Melinda on April 2, 2024 at 12:46 am
If her stepfather was a sociopath those kids went through helll. I speak from experience. They have every right to feel as they do. Especially if this went on for several years.”
Did you hear what she said? She said, “They have every right to feel as they do.” That is what has happened to these younger generations: they came to believe lies that their own feelings are all that matter. They refuse to see how selfish they are. :They refuse to see that their behavior is atrocious. All they do is give themselves permission to “feel how they feel” as a “right” – which then justifies all of their bad behavior towards their mothers. They’re the victims! They’re feelings tell them so! So they can do no wrong no matter how cruelly they treat their own mothers, they think.
This generation fixated on their own feelings is out of control in selfishness. It is not that their parents raised them wrong. It is that me generation psychobabble focus on feelings has replaced Christianity. Melinda could not even consider how wrongly you were treated, how wrong the behavior of your child towards you. All she could think is “They have every right to feel as they do.”
No, Melinda, they don’t. They’re adults. They need to grow up and quit going down the slipper slope of “feeling their feelings” and “making their feelings their reality” down the slide of the descent into madness.
No, Melinda, they don’t have a right to wallow in their own feelings. They need to stop it and think about how their behavior causes others to feel. Hurt feelings don’t excuse evil. That’s Christianity – nor me generation psychobabble that is destroying our nation.
Stop it, Melinda. Just stop it. When those feelings go to grip you, consider them a demon power. And resist. Think logically and rationally. Think of God and others. Not self. Stop it, Melinda. Just stop it. No more me generation psychobabble justifying evil based on “feeling your feelings”.
This comment is to LD. Weirdly I cannot find a reply button to this awful woman. I can easily tell she’s a boomer female because she is projecting ALL of her nastiness, selfishness and awful behavior onto me as I seem to have triggered her significantly. She only needs to read her own comment to realize why no one wants to be around her. What a vile creature and (of course) attempting to use religion to support her nastiness. No child needs to be the dumping ground for toxic, emotionally immature (boomer usually without fail) “parents”. I’m betting her kids see the same exact nasty person that shines through right here. What a sad, desperate person.
Thank you for your words of encouragement. 🙏
I have the exact same situation. I.m completely broken x
I get it. I am sad for you. I don’t believe I will ever understand. How has my sweet child grown into a cruel woman who doesn’t care that she hurts me. Maybe even enjoys it. I don’t know.
I agree. I want to move on but I keep hoping that something will happen so I will be close to her again. It’s no use & I know it. When they say or do something around me it’s just a slur & a put down on me. I hope 1 day all will be better but just after Christmas I sent my daughter a message & she let my granddaughter start calling neon my phone. I was extremely careful if what I said to her & I heard her dad one night saying get off the phone The next day my daughter called talking about what was appropriate for us to talk about & trying to blame me for something I didn’t do. That was the last call.It was all a way to control me &upset me. When I didn’t play along it was over. They dangle anything in front of me like a starving animal & food. They only want to make me do what they want..
Can you ask them how frequently they would like to hear from you? So many your people are focused on their own lives that they mindless don’t bother checking in on their parents. I find they want encouragement and affirmation yet haven’t crossed over into thinking maybe you need them. Then again, we really shouldn’t need our kids, right?
Has anyone heard of the term spousification? It is a psychological term in which a parent uses their child for age inappropriate support. It is common in destructive marriages in two ways. The abuser can do it to a child as a form of manipulation and the victim can do it to a child because they are so emotionally deprived by their destructive spouse. The key is that it is abusive to the child at that point because they are not designed to be their parent’s therapist or outlet for their parent’s needs.
I think in a destructive marriage, children often mirror what they saw in one or both parents. If the marriage relationship was not ‘one’ and ‘united’ there is bound to be many negative consequences. I have adult children that have not chosen to get healing for their wounds. And so they do act out. I don’t accept their disrespect and I’m always working on giving them the love they need. But unhealthy destructive marriages often lead to adult children with deep wounds. I wish I could have been a strong stable person in their lives, during their childhood- but unfortunately I had a lot of healing myself to work on. I know it’s hard and complicated when children act out- but my two cents would be to keep working on having healthier relationships with them, and when it’s necessary have good boundaries.
Robin, you took the words out of my mouth. I feel so bad that I wasn’t a strong stable mom for my children when they were younger. I too have had to deal with a lot of healing myself. Unfortunately, I spend many of there younger years still hurting from my childhood, thus, wasn’t healthy enough to respond appropriately to my abusive x h.
Robin and Christina. Me too. Same boat. How I would like to have been strong and stable for my children, but we work with what we had, and make amends along the way. It’s a broken world and we have to trust that if they choose to mature and stabize that God will do for them what He”s done for us.It’s critical not to blame or punish your heart for not being able to give to your kids what you did not have. Had we what they needed, we would have gladly shared blessed them. There are a lot of things I did right too. Think on those things.
It is often the case that the grown children will not change, and that they just wont’ get it. To be focusing on 30, 40 and 50 year old “kids” is not where you want to be. Leslies’ voice and teaching helped me end a marriage of 38 years of abuse. The years were unsafe. And, I put up with it. My kids watched me take so much and they naturally aligned with their dad for self-preservation. They are in a deep state of neuro-net disorder which means their brains are hardwired to react to you in a particular way. What we do with our lives quite frankly will generally have little effect on their behaviors. Even at 40 years of age, they still see Mom and the dysfunction from the lens of a 4 year old. Love them, stay compassionate, but don’t expect anything in return.
And absolutely build the boundaries that protect you from letting them treat you the way you have been treated for decades. Saddle up and ride your own thoroughbred. It’s a new pony show and you’re going to win a blue ribbons. Become balanced and confident through CORE.
Life is good. It’s an adventure and must be done in Christ our Lord. He Alone must become your Everything.
I raised my only child alone with the help of my mother. He knows that I would do anything for him but seems to resent me. He’s married to a narcissist and I have a new grandson but they don’t seem overly happy to see me and are disrespectful. When I ask if something is wrong it’s deflated. I’m confused and lost.
This a thousand times. Bless you.
You have to tell them where the bear craps in the buckwheat. If you don’t stand up for yourself,nobody will feel sorry for you. No one likes a person who lets themselves be a victim unless they try to not be a victim. I think I would tell them that you aren’t available.
They seem to think they can walk all over you. It’s time you showed them that you are strong and that you don’t need them. I’ve dealt with a lot of crap with my youngest son. No matter what I did wouldn’t change him until I said, “If you go back to jail again, I won’t write to you, I won’t accept your phone calls and I won’t send you any money.” I mean it, too. He was always getting into trouble annd the stupid psychiatrists weren’t any help. His brother never got into trouble. I have just all I can stand. So far, he’s doing good, got a job so I hope he’s finally growing up.
I so hear you there. When my kids were younger me and their father split.. he was a drunk kids didn’t see him much he never paid child support.. yet here is mom doing it all always. Growing up I married their dad twice. And divorced again. Now they grown adults. For some reason they put dad on a high pedestal and I’m the sh*t on their shoes always. They run to do things with their dad all the time but they run from the idea of plans with me. I do a lot and I mean alot for my oldest and her son but yet in return I get treated like crap. I e done all I can do to prove myself to her time and time again but yet I get nothing. My kids have never said or bought me anything in regards to best mom worlds greatest mom . My bday or Xmas I get a scratch off ticket dad gets a paid in full trip outta state with kids to hunt. I just don’t get it and I’m so tired and tired of being hurt over and over and I need to know what is it? Why treat me this way? I’m putting my foot down and I’m separating myself from thema lil at a time cuz my heart been stomped so many times it’s now flat…
Im sorry Mom! I too have an ex who failed to be there for my son- i would have to beg him to call more often; he never visited or called his son. I did everything on my own and thought Id have raised a son who adored me for having done so much… he used to adore me after all.
Well now his dad calls maybe three times a year, and boy is my son nice to him! It helps a bit to know its only because they want the fathers approval, but it doesn’t help a lot because he’s supposed to be nice to ME.
I am trying to get used to not having my loving son anymore, but it still hurts really bad sometimes. When it hurts bad, I work on trying to nurture and love myself. Theres some good videos and stuff thatll at least get me through the REALLY bad times.
I hear you, and am sending you some much deserved love!
Sometimes the ones you do the most for will love you the least and they will take you for granted bc you are always there. My mother was that way to me but not to my younger sister who lives far away. Over the years, I found that when I did less for my mother and kept my visits to minimal quality visits she responded better to me. That’s not the relationship I wanted to have with her as a grown up but that’s the way it is. Sometimes to some people… less is more and distance makes the heart grow fonder.
Hi everyone, I seen being a parent to adult children isnt what I expected it would be . My son has not visited over 3 times in 4 years . I have a grandchild that will probably never know me at all . When he is around he is this person that I do not like to be around . He has a way of making me so uncomfortable. I am truly sick over what kind of man he’s turned out to be . I have never seen a more rude ungrateful human in my life . Now if people think this behavior is ok , more power to them . I was taught to respect my elders to be kind and not take life for granted. I prefer being without him than to be disrespected . However I feel sorry for him. When the time comes that his eyes are opened to what he’s become and if I’m no longer around he must live with him self now that part hurts . I do love him with ever thing in me but I hate his ways. I can’t except nor be comfortable with the actions of no one treating people so poorly. The bad mom.
Well, one thing I’ve llearned from raising 2 boys by myself, is once they are in a livinging situation with a woman, mom’s have to take the back seat. We don’t like it, but if we tell the new woman hoe to do things, it will only cause trouble. The women don’t want your recipes or advice on raising kids, either.
My perspective is if you and your children were abused by their father, asking yourself why you stayed with him is the stupidest question I’ve ever heard. You stayed so your children would always have protection because the courts don’t give a shit and will still give him visitation, especially if he’s very charming or wealthy. You had no part in this. You gave life to your children and then protected them with your life. You are a hero!!!! As your children become adults they may abandon you because their father literally drove you crazy with PTSD. You’re abandoned and utterly unappreciated. And their father seems to have no memory of what he did. He’s happy and fun now! All you can do is seek help, make friends, keep yourself busy and when you can , remind your children you love them unconditionally and wish that someday you will be allowed back into their lives. He will be the hero because it’s safer and sadly more advantageous for them. It’s time to look yourself in the mirror and see Wonder Woman. You now create your own life, get healthy and leave the terror of losing them behind. You do things you always wanted but couldn’t because you were protecting them. You will never be rewarded for your heroism and strength, but you can help other women get through the heart breaking, soul wrecking experience of losing the children you gave your life for. There is an afterlife. We will be honored and given crowns. Our children will come back in that life if not in this one. And their father will not be their.
Three years ago,My daughter,46,moved to the same West Coast City as her father,my ex. I was number 2 wife and he is now on 6 at the age of 77.
She then proceeded to ghost me,no reasons ever given. I went through the cycles of grief and finally got to acceptance.
Then about a month ago she agreed to a zoom session with me and my therapist. I live on the East Coast with 3 housemates and on a very fixed income.
Her complaints are primarily that I mentioned something my son said about their father
Also, I called her work extension cause she blocked her phone. I assume her extension went to her but apparently others heard what I said???
Finally,she said I used to manipulate her emotions so she learned not to show them. I never did that that I recall,but it is her truth.
Any suggestions for the session most appreciated. I plan to let my therapist and her do most of the talking. I worry it is either a bash mom or a goodbye session
My husband is playing sides as well as the kids. I have been disabled for years and took care of them and now I need help but too much them.
Wow that is the best advice of ever heard!!! I have been putting my foot down and repeating myself that I will no longer be abused or treated like shit from you anymore. it’s terrible these days the way our children treat us!!!
My husband & I are OVER IT. Four kids. 2 are thoughtful & always thinking ahead for “special day” gifts & are thoughtful regularly. Try to help their Dad & me anyway they can. The other 2 both girls got trips expensive college & I went out of my way as their stepmom to get them to church get clothing teach them cooking skills proper manners even though they had a mom & she got child support & had a great job. She didn’t teach them those things & doesn’t believe in God. We never spoke bad Abt their mother. She cheated the last 5-7 years of their marriage. Packed & was leaving them w/my husband. He said he should have let her go. To say she had little morals is an understatement. She married again after their divorce. Lasted 7:years. Split for same reason. My husband of 27 years did all he could & we were at every event & guided them towards what they were gifted at. They’ve travelled all over the world. Now they’re 40 & 38 drink regularly & have live in boyfriends & selfish behavior like their mother. They expect Carte blanche treatment when they come to visit. They make twice the income we do together (were retired) but somehow we always pay for everything when they visit. Today’s Fathers Day it’s 7:41 & they haven’t called. They did me the same way for years on Mothers Day but my husband said today he’s done with the disrespect. I was last year. Sometimes you have to ask God to take over or it never changes. Today’s that day.
I think she’s wants them to respect her and not be rude and condescending toward her. (She would like a healthy relationship instead of one in which she is constantly verbally attacked and emotionally belittled. )
My Son is 39. No matter what I say or do he will not listen to me. He talks to voices and people I can’t see or hear. I need to know how to help him get rid of them forever now please
I am so sorry the worst part is realizing what kind of person your children are when they only see that they want money and all the love and keeping them alive and healthy meant nothing. Myself my youngest daughter out of 4 we were always close had our moments so I’m living with her because she asked me to to help her and me financially. I did that for her and to be husband and 3 children at the time. They were able to save up 15000 and buy a home I’m moving with nothing saved. And so mentally drained. And if 1 of my daughters say something to the other 3 they all hate me for no particular reason. Also very strange they all lie to one another and believe it. Decided will be moving to a bigger city with more to do hopefully it helps. Keep busy good luck 🙂
Thank you! I needed to hear this ! I am currently in the process of not tolerating any more of my growin children’s abuse! I refuse to tolerate it anymore! I wasn’t a perfect mother, but I was a good mother and they know it so whatever they’re going through this is not my fault so they need to stop putting the blame on me. I’m tired of being blamed for all of their problems! I raised my girls better than that. I Raised them up to be respectful, loving and kind. I did not raise him up to treat people like crap, especially me and I’m not gonna tolerate it not anymore!
I feel the same way, I raised them and loved them so much and my husband recently died and I have gotten little to no support from them and their hateful words and actions towards me is the absolute worst
This has been an ongoing problem in my family and has been made worse by a angry and jealous sister who has always wanted to steal my family out from under me and has done so and everytime they see her true colors (she is barren and cannot have children)and have experienced her evil ways , once I start rebuilding that relationship somehow she comes back into the picture with her fat wallet and manipulates my children against me. Recently, my mother passed away. My mother has abandoned me my whole life, and not only abandoned me, but worked against me just like my sister and so my evil sister comes back into town and me and my daughter are getting along great and wouldn’t you know it now my daughter hates me and is calling me a liar. It’s all my sister’s manipulation against me. I have two sisters and the other one I don’t get along with that well either we all have our issues but bottom line is my mother was never there for any of us, but since she was passing away, they all decided to put themselves up on a pedestal and look like The Best children in the world because they want to get some money you see.?I am very transparent, honest and truthful to a fault and I did not want to go to the funeral because just because she gave birth to me she wasn’t my mother and in my opinion it was the same with them, however all my sisters are looking for is money and assets from my mom and honestly, I’m not playing pretend to get money even though I’m homeless again because you can’t afford rent with disability income so I’m a loser parent and everybody else is just great. The lies and injustices that have been told about me is disgusting and unfortunately, my children believe it even though I’ve provided proof otherwise it’s a tough thing and I cry all the time bc family is all I have and it’s been ripped out from under me on numerous occasions by this evil sister.
Again.and that seems sister has hurt my adult children when they were children and as adults and my children so easily, forgive their aunt when she comes around, but always make me feel like crap and I was a dedicated mom who helped with all the afterschool activities. Let a lot of them always was there for them. I was never judgmental never told them who they could be friends with. I had a difficult childhood, and my parents would always disrespect me and accuse me of things that I didn’t do and I was always trying to make their childhood happy and healthy because I didn’t have it but now they have learned to just crap on me and disrespect me and I recently just said enough is enough if you cannot respect me and treat me the way your mother you should treat your mother then I will choose to separate myself because I was always fearful that if I put my foot down that I would lose them, but what kind of relationship is it now? They’re already lost and I’m lost. I don’t have them. They think they can tell their mother how to run our life, they call me a liar when I’ve always been 100% honest and truthful to a fault and I’m tired of the disrespect. I’ve had it my whole life from everyone around me and I always have held others and been generous and loving. By that same sister who likes to manipulate also has money and they seem to forget how easily she was to them as well but because she has money I’m a piece of crap and they’ll go running to her. My sister can’t have children so she’s been jealous of me my whole entire life and it caused so many problems so far as to have my job taken from me my car taken from me and made me homeless for 10 years and I still struggle now and I’m on disability. It’s terrible and if I had the money, I would love to move out of state and go somewhere else and see if they even notice my absence makes me sick because my children and grandchildren are the one thing that bring me joy, but I’m not gonna tolerate the disrespect anymore
Krista,
I am sad to hear all that has happened to you. Yet, you did not attend your own mother’s funeral out of a choice based upon your own feelings. Instead, it would have been better to set an example for your children. If your children follow your example, based on their own feelings they will not show respect for you. I understand that your mother hurt your feelings and you believe she did wrong. But respect because despite all her faults she physically gave you life could have helped you overcome your feelings to pay respects to her at her funeral.
I hope things improve for you. I hope your mother is in Heaven. The Lord forgives all our sins when we are truly born of God believing in and receiving Him. I hope your mother is in glory where she is loved.
I hope things work out for you with your health and home.
It’s very clear that you think you can treat people any way you want and the resulting fallout is just “their feelings”. I suggest you look up NPD lady because you are a full blown toxic malignant narcissist. Respect goes both ways. Abusive people always want others to forget what they’ve done. You’re the classic example. Your picture should be in the dictionary next to the word narcissist. The BEST thing to do with toxic people that show no remorse, as you do not, is to leave them in the dust. You are not born of God sweetie. Not even close.
Melinda,
When someone doesn’t agree with you and validate all your feelings, you go into attack mode. You rail against their Christianity, you attack them for what you perceive to be their age, you decide to apply psychological labels to a person you have never met (basing your “assessments” on whether they agree with you or not), and you demand everyone coddle you. Your feelings must bear rule… or else.
Physician, heal thyself.
Your feelings have no validity as a basis for being the person you are, Melinda. You alone are responsible for your feelings and your sins. Other people could have had your childhood and turned out to be loving, wonderful people. People have suffered much more than you and been loving, wonderful people. Your feelings have no validity as an excuse. We don’t want to hear about your feelings, Melinda, nor any of yuor excuses. It’s time to grow up and be a responsibile adult, Melinda. Your feelings are a choice and the product of your own character. We don’t choose other people’s actions. We choose our reactions including our feelings. Adults can control their feelings, Melinda.
It is a horrible thing it’s a horrible way to live knowing that you spent your life sacrificing for your kids and then they don’t want anything to do with you. I’m in this situation and I can’t get my brain wrapped around why and how could they.
I get it, I am 63 years old, have given my kids & grandkids my life… like no one else. I haven’t been married in 32 years…
My parents are enablers, they are in their early 80’s, they do for my grown kids and then I hear about it… they always manipulate to get money.
My kids are 45, 41, 33 & 31.
As you can see they are all grown. I also have grandchildren ( 18, 17, 16. 15 & 7).
My parents are toxic people, they do for my grown kids and then tell me that they are broke or complain.
They never do my sister like this, her husband wouldn’t tolerate it.
They are the major reason, why I’m not married… they have emotionally and mentally damaged me. I always pointed this out to them, their behavior… and then call me crazy and even led my kids to think I’m crazy.
Now years later, my kidd ate starting to see what I’ve been saying about them for years.
But my kids refuse to stand up to them for what they have done ( because they are old).
And my kids don’t want to deal with my mental damage at all.
I feel alone, I have given my life for them all.
So now I’m trying to figure out how to heal.
I’m a good person, last year I got assaulted at work by my boss, and I was fired… yes, I know it sounds crazy – but it happened…
I don’t have a job now. I’m educated, worked in government over 20 years. I am so distraught, if you can think of anything that would help let me know. Thanks.
You can email at:
[email protected]
Therapists go-to move no matter what the situation in any case is estrangement. Never work it out and talk or debate
Division should be a last resort when you love each other
I completely understand. Similar situation
I see your ist is older but only pray they are treating you better.
I have a 39 year old who has spoken to me with such vile language and disrespect that it’s embarrassing.
Her dad would give money and now married someone wealthy and doesn’t need me.
She just had a baby and I won’t be part of it and sadly I’m ok with it. I just don’t want to be abused anymore.
I’m hurt b/c she called my friend to go to the hospital and I think my friend was wrong. I feel betrayed by both of them.
I feel this way also – my ex isn’t wealthy but his parents are. He’s treated me awfully over the years and refused boundaries with our daughter. So now in her life I’m the bad guy always. It kills me as now at 19 she won’t live with me any longer.
If they don’t need you then you don’t need them. Obviously you chose wealth over love as a priority in your previous relationship. And you’re surprised your kids turned out exactly the same way as you? Do some shadow work.
Hi, it’s tough but then do you really want to compete?
I had the same, my daughter died suddenly, we were very close, then my husband passed away 2 months later,
I relied on my son, I gave him money, everything I had, for I felt lonely.
Now he has rejected me saying he dosn’t need me anymore.
I cannot believe how he can be so awful,
He had a charmed upbringing, but he refused to go to either of their funerals and has continuously run them down for no reason.
But, I have t close the door as his bullying and such has become unbearable.
Hey dude I’m just responding but as a whole to everyone on this page. I’m going through a very difficult time in my life I’m 27 years old and my parents were so abusive, and you know what they are starting to sound like all of you old fucks on here too. Hey guess what I got a little info into why your children don’t want contact with you insufferable gremlins. One. You neglected them first plain and simple. When your kid would go up to you talking about their frustrations and your response is just to tell them how they have no right to be frustrated. Forget the kid being able to freely speak their mind, so why should you old fucks care if you can too. Better yet enjoy the remainder years knowing deep down that all of you adults on here could have done something more about it because guess what you were the adults. The one to raise the child better than what you had, but most parents choose to be resentful of their childhood and put it onto their own offspring despicable. And the audacity to come on this website to circle jerk about how much kids don’t love me, they did, they tried, they gave up, they couldn’t anymore.
Oh my and one more thing, you are all the boomer types so from the bottom of my heart and every other generation following you. Thank you so much for not only sinking the economy to historic lows. Making sure I’ll never be able to own a home but rent. Thank you for increasing tuition prices as well. But also making sure that we have to go and fix all the mistakes you old asses made because none of you wanted to give up power.
This is going on for a while but it’s because you boomer folk are so delusional and so in your asses it boggles my mind. And the fact you guys are going further into said ass is really making me speechless. So typical of you people. You reap what you sow good for you.
Well, Michael, you came on the page to hate on people you are sure are older than you. You swear. You say you had it rough. Your mommy didn’t pay enough attention to you? Your were constantly frustrated and angry as a child. You kept telling your mommy your frustrations. Your mommy told you that you had no right to be frustrated.
And now you despise every person who is older than you. You blame a generation older than yourself for any economic troubles you have. You express anger, frustration, you curse, you swear, and you attack old women.
But you’re a wonderful guy? And mommy was wrong about you?
You had no right to be frustrated.
THIS A THOUSAND TIMES!!!!
It’s very hard but it is possible. I mean, you’re never going to stop loving them because they are your life. However, if it’s beyond their maturity to forgive, mend, make amends or even feel sorry for how they treat you, you need to start treating yourself the way you deserve. Don’t let their hatred define your life. You are given just one life. Turn off the negative and look toward the positive, whether it be hobbies, new interests, physical sport, make new friends, get in touch with old ones, get a dog or pet, etc. The pain is always there but it doesn’t have to take the front seat. Best to you ❤️
My Adopted Daughter treats me like shit, she is now 30.. It’s so obvious that she hates me for replacing her birth Mother. and has always tried to hurt me as much as she possibly can. She is ok with no contact too and doesn’t talk to me for months at a time. It wash my birthday yesterday and she didn’t even send a text, so hurtful, not the first time she’s done this. She has an adopted Father (we are divorced since she was 6) who pays for everything for her too, she uses and abuses him too, and I’m sure she is a nightmare over there too. She even started calling her stepmom “Mom” just to annoy me and she has always hated her too! I know she has many issues but some stuff I just can’t get over. To make it worse she has 2 children who I never see, they never pick up the phone when I call, never answer when I text. Now that hurts BIG time. I have a wonderful life otherwise, am remarried and happy. We are good, well rounded people who t thought we would give a child a good home and everything they needed. But the truth is some of these kids just can’t be helped, they are so damaged from being abandoned by their birth parents, they spend their whole life taking it out on others or themselves. So sad as I did not expect it to tun out like this.
Going on years now for me… She was fine without me… Lots of enablers have provided all she needs. Its hearbreaking
My adult daughter told me she’s perfectly fine with no contact cuz she’s engaged to a millionaire whom she’s lied to about me. She hates me for defending myself from her abuse. I wish I never gave birth to her. I gave up my entire life gave my entire paychecks to raise her just to get abused where I have no choice but to go no contact to protect myself from the severe anguish she causes me anytime I trust her with anything she steals thousands from me not cuz she needs it but just to deliberately cause me financial ruin to inflict homelessness or other devastating life problems she has caused me 30 years of trauma
Yes I have tried all that. It doesn’t work. They grew up witnessing their father undermining me behind my back and giving me. O respect to my face. It’s like cancer it’s inherited…
Yes it is hard to let go but I’m finding instead of trying to be so much in their lives I backed off. I also realized by one of my children I usually only hear from them if they’re bored have a problem or need something. My bf not their father is a easy target to hit up for money from one of them which I told him he’s being used. One of my other ones I only hear from if it’s xmas mother’s day my birthday or they want me to cook them dinner once a month.
I feel exactly the same way.
I have a sister who was like that but my mother couldn’t see it she thought I was been fanciful for want of a better word .until the night she called me and absolutely pulled me apart saying I was abusing my mother and that I never let her see her forgetting the our mum visited her every week then she said that I was barren and could never have children and that I didn’t deserve them anyway because I was rotten to.the core but what she didn’t know was that my husband was recording this on our answer machine when my mother heard this she went ballistic with her I haven’t seen my sister since my mother’s funeral long may it stay that way
Same here my 20 year old change I have five children they all disrespect me. I love them so much. It’s hard to let go. I didn’t do anything. He says I’m crazy. I’m psycho. I’m depressed. I am not. I’m a very happy person until I get to work and I start reading the messages. I don’t know what to do.
i am sorry it has turned out this way for you – you can join on line – mothers who are estranged with their children – it won’t bring what you want back but you may be able to connect with others and hear what they say. you can’t compete with the father, he has money and with these girls that seems to be what they want. also, maybe they will realize they do need their mother bc i’m sorry men cannot be moms in the same way with their daughters. God Bless you
How did you get on with this? Similar situation given that grandparents are wealthy. Did they come back – this is now my worry
You are not alone I went through the same thing and now my daughter will not talk to me I guess because i’m the poor one but I didn’t see the reason why I would have to hand her everything that I work so hard for I wanted her to learn how to work hard for it too but I guess she didn’t like that. It hurts but I’m standing by the way that I feel even though I have reached out many times to let her know I love her and she has not said anything back it’s starting to get less and less and I’m actually okay.
My treats me terrible. I get sick and cant understand. It makes me so depressed
Dump them and build a new a new happy life they just will hurt you and ruin your life. to the end.
I’m so much more happier taken my life back and doing me.🙃🤩🥰
Read Drama Free. It has helped me but it still hurts how my daughter treats me.
I understand you were doing the best you could in raising them up, but Repent for sparing the rod and spoiling the children! It’s not physical abuse to physically discipline children as the Holy Bible calls for it in Proverbs. Also, pray and fast (Matthew 17:21 KJV) over your situation, dust your feet off, and take time to heal. If you keep submitting yourself to this abuse, you may leave this world soon than later. Satan’s job is to steal, kill, and destroy; Understand that we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but demonic entities and wickedness in high places (Ephesian 6:10-13 KJV). You don’t have to explain anything, just distance yourself, heal with Jesus Christ, pray and fast and if they are willing to truly and sincerely repent for how they are dishonoring you by treating their very own mother like a dishrag, then, with high discernment, slowly, very slowly, let them back in to your life. They must prove they are truly trying to serve God and treat their mother in a Godly fashion, not like Satanic demons. Please guard your heart. They must be born again of the Holy Spirit of Jesus Christ to see God (John 3:3-7 & Acts 2:38 KJV) and with this behavior, they are clearly on the way to Hell Fire with Satan and his demons unless they Repent. Pray, fast, worship Jesus in song, Psalms, and dance and Let go and let God and feel the burden of all of this evil lift from you. Matthew 11:28 KJV*** Praying for the victory for you and your family in Jesus Christ Mighty Name.
Gonna go out on a limb here but calling out someone to repent for not spanking their children as the cause of emotional distancing in adulthood is a bit of a reach. Hopefully that piece of guilt didnt reach the heart of the writer of this question.
Agreed
I don’t think we know why her adult children feel entitled to treat her this way so I’d be careful on calling someone to repentance. But you’re spot on saying she should not continue to submit to their abuse.
100000 % SPOT ON! I choose not to go into my story bc it is much the same as many on this platform. Your reply is excellent……. It is very well stated and are my exact sentiments……….The entitled children of today make choices and it is all about choices……. Selfish or not selfish or whatever boundaries we must set or they set for we parents……it is all part of the way society is today. We pray, we reminisce about what and how and then we let go and let God. CHOICE is key…….The 4th Commandment is not a suggestion……A sin that is not really mentioned too much today is the: Sin of Remission
To remit is to forgive. Remission is a related word, and it means “forgiveness.” The “remission of sin,” then, is simply the “forgiveness” of sin. The phrase is used in eight places in the King James Version of the Bible.
Matthew 26:28, for example, says, “For this is my blood of the new testament, which is shed for many for the remission of sins.” Modern translations such as the English Standard Version render the phrase “for the forgiveness of sins.”
Luke has three examples of this phrase. Luke 1:77 says, “To give knowledge of salvation unto his people by the remission of their sins.” John the Baptist “came into all the country about Jordan, preaching the baptism of repentance for the remission of sins” (Luke 3:3). When Jesus appeared to His disciples after His resurrection, He said that “repentance and remission of sins should be preached in his name among all nations, beginning at Jerusalem” (Luke 24:47).
Great words of encouragement the Bible speaks of just what you said I will back that up. It is my faith that keeps me strong, but it’s still hard at times especially when you love your children so much and they do things like this. It is so hurtful
I think what Leslie has to say is spot on for the abuse you have mentioned about your adult children. I would like to as another questions related to adult children. How would you handle an adult child (20) dropped out of college came back to live with me. Now he doesn’t hardly talk to me. locks himself in his room most all day. Gets on the internet, watches movies and plays video games. Comes out at night and fixes food for himself. He doesn’t eat much. I told him he could stay with me but he had to get a job and pay rent. He won’t get a job (or he might have one on the internet that I don’t know about) won’t pay me rent and basically ignores me most of the time. If I start to talk to him and he doesn’t want to hear me, he puts his head down and goes to his room. He won’t leave! He has NO friends and nowhere to go. There is no physical abuse, so I have found it hard to get him out via the police.
Christina, something is going on with him; he may be doing drugs of some kind, or watching porn or playing internet games, but whatever it is, it’s not good. you might need to seek help from a family therapist. With no leverage, you have no way to force him to get a job or to move out. I wish I had some suggestions, but I don’t. Maybe someone else will.
JoAnn, It is internet games as I know he doesn’t do drug, smoke or will have anything to do with porn because of the abuse we have been through. For 10 years I have tried to get him help, but now that he is an adult he has to want the help and he has to ask for it. I can’t make him because he is now an adult. I feel like I will have to take he hard road and enforce the eviction that was approved but put on hold when COVID-19 hit. it’s hard to watch your kids going down a path that you know isn’t good for them.
Christina, What if you tried to enter his world? Ask if you can play a video game. Have him talk about it. Ask about his music and his dreams, don’t nag. Tell him some real things about you and your needs. Ask him to help you with a project. Let him pick the project.
Sounds like your son is running away from some pain through escapism. I wouldn’t kick him out of the house. I think he will just get into more trouble. He is still pretty young.
The problem of this “failure to launch” situation is popular in Japan too. They have a name for it, which means something like, men who don’t come out of their rooms and just play video games all day. Not that this is the same thing at all, but in comparison, Japanese families hire a girl to come talk to the guys. She is not a sexual interest, but what they call a “sister.” They found that young women were able to break through to these young men. They laughed at their jokes, listened to their interests and somehow the guys slowly began to leave their rooms. Interesting if you ask me. Its seems the guys were desperately lonely and just couldn’t connect socially. Some felt they just couldn’t meet the extremely stringent expectations of today’s Japanese businessmen, so why bother? They had just checked out and gave up. Maybe google about this situation, it may help give you some insight.
Hi, I think he has a mental illness and I do not know how you are going to get help for him. Maybe if you had a counselor for yourself, they could direct you.
Wow that was an interesting take. I wish I had been more knowledgeable back when my son was displaying the same social issues with me after his dad left us and he was home alone with just me. His older siblings were no help they were living out of state and were living their lives selfishly not caring. Even when I asked his older brother to intervene. It is a hard place to be for a mom and I probably did all the wrong things. This is such interesting info about the Japanese boys/ me.
I hope things work out. Some people are socially different and will be their whole lives. My son is very quiet and is now living with a girl who maybe he likes/loves …not sure but I think it’s companionship. I pray and pray for God to be his Father and that he will seek God. He was raised in our Christian home, school church all the right things.
I know this first hand. I have two stepdaughters in their 30’s….I have done as much as I possible can to work at having a relationship with them. Humbled myself and asked for their forgiveness when I’ve been wrong…and I have been. But something ALWAYS seems to set them off and quickly, I feel like I have to always walk on eggshells, when things don’t go their way they are quick to reject me….because from their viewpoint I’m always doing something wrong. The verbal abuse over the years has been awful!!!! What I struggle with is how do I allow them to have a relationship with our younger ones when they are so disrespectful to me. I feel bad about this, but I don’t want there to be a lot of conversation because once one of the older daughters tried to come between me and a younger daughter. So there’s absolutely no trust. I know my husband hurts over this. However, I don’t think it’s God’s will for this disrespect to continue…cursing me out, etc. Right now there is barely any communication…it’s sad during this epidemic that we are separated like this. But I believe the separation is necessary for now until God says it’s ok. I definitely pray for them. This is the only way there can be change, along with repentance.
I read some of your responses. I’m in the middle of a nasty divorce from an abusive malignant narcissist after 22 years of marriage and then he abandoned our family and turn my older daughters against me.
I am all about setting healthy loving boundaries. As far as children locking themselves in their room and being attached to the Internet. one of the ideas that I have done that has worked is I change the Wi-Fi password daily. They have to earn the Wi-Fi password letter by letter by coming out of their bedroom, engaging with the world, showing that they are taking part in a healthy schedule that includes exercise, taking care of their room, cooking, cleaning, helping tidy the community area, doing things on the to do list, schoolwork, job applications, etc. once everything on the to do list is done they earn the Wi-Fi password, prime tv, Netflix whatever password
That is a very good idea! Cuddo’s to you!
Thank you Leslie for being there for us women. I look forward to your messages.. reading with a stress headache.. be safe..
Thank you. This is so helpful to me ! I am all alone. I am trying to be strong, but this is very hard. I am. 65 and my daughter is 40 and only one grandson My daughter manipulating me with grandson , systematically abusing me and not calling me Mama. Also systematically blaming me. I try and try nothing helps. Sge has mental illness
Thanks that is somewhat helpful ive tried putting my foot down as above but my son is a narcissist so its extremely difficult. He only calls me when he wants to talk about himself, never asks me how i am or even wants to engage in conversation with me he’ll talk over or makes an excuse and hangs up. Never invites me over unless its a holiday but will call me and tell me who he did invite over for an outing. Stuff like that. Half the time he doesnt answer my calls or texts. So now im gonna try to be like him and when he calls or texts i won’t respond until a week later. see how he feels cuz honestly im done.
I go threw that with my narcissist son all the time been doing this to me for decades. Last wk he told me that he hated my guts.
I’ve communicated that I will not be treated poorly to my daughter for several years. Each time her response is that I am playing victim and I have a victim mentality. That hurts even more. I have never used her treatment of me as an excuse for anything. I tried to separate my life from her a year ago and she kept telling me what a bad mother I am. I don’t want to have a relationship with her.
Your daughter does the EXACT same thing as my daughter does to me. If I hear I am playing victim one more time I am going to lose it. I feel like I have always been on this crazy train with her. I am beginning to believe my daughter is mental. It is time to exit this train my friend.
My daughter is like this but has mood swings. She has a mental illness which her dad and I have dealt with since she was 12 years old. She’s now 19 and still lives with us. She makes friends with people who are worse off than her and she feeds off their mental illness. I’ve struggled with what to do because I don’t want to end up with a dead child. But she needs to grow up. Whenever she makes these friends, her dad and I and her siblings are garbage in her eyes. When she doesn’t have friends, then it’s really hit or miss if she likes us or not. It’s a miserable relationship and I’m tired of trying to reach her. All the advice I’ve received is to be there for her because she’s depressed but at what point do you say “enough is enough. What about my own mental health?” Sad to say but I think letting her go is the only answer. It’s scary because the end result might be a bad one.
All you can do is try raise your kids with Gods help in the best way you can , show them love until they become legal age , from there it’s time for them to step out in the world spread the wings and fly , as it was for you , your husband , me and everyone else in this world . You don’t remember thinking at that age that you knew better than your parents ? That your parents seemed to be a nuisance sometimes to you ? My advice is pat yourself on the back you made it and Let go and let God .its time for them to fly .
Many people in this situation, myself included are trapped in the cycle of generational abuse. It makes things more challenging for us as humans and as parents. It’s not easy.
My daughter is 19 and treats me horribly. I do so much for her but it’s never enough. She only talks go me when she wants something. If I ask her a question, she’ll just shrug her shoulders and not say anything. It’s very hurtful. I finally reached my breaking point tonight. I told her that her attitude is no longer welcome here and that she can move in with her dad. Whether or not this was right or wrong, I don’t know. What I do know is that I can’t be treated this way any longer.
Thank you for reaching out to me. I am and have been verbaly abused by my two daughters. 54 and 40. The older one drank for 15 years however stopped and now her bad behavior is upon me being narsistic towards me in subtly ways causing me much anxiety at age 77. Years ago I was afraid she would not have a place tolive or even die and so I kept on giving. I am learning not to be the care taker anymore as it all backfired on me however her mental abuse towards me is subtle but still repeats towards me. and toward me. I have continued to be for her now for years helping her when she needed help and so much she never had to ask for help I was so ready to jump in. I realizing now how sick I was too however I am still puttng up with verbal abuse from both my daughters and they take over even when I am in their company. I hate that and it seems they also both go against. I live closer to the older one and the visit is so hard for me as they both dismiss me and show me no respect. no . I was so afraid she would not have a place to live so I gave and gave now I am so mad at myself for doing this as the mental abuse towards me is still there but more subtly. She pushes my buttons and I struggle with sensitivity. The younger daughter knows what she does to me however refuses to allow me to talk about the other. I realize that may be a good thing for her however I need to change and and feel anxiety when we are visiting as both my daughters have meant so much hto me and now I am getting a taste of how much they do not really care at all about me and I have been so blind. I need to take important steps and did confront the older one who is mean and laughs in my face when upset. It has been a long time since I visited her and stayed with her the first four days being here waiting to get into my place and the the abuse to me verbally put downs and disrespect was too much for me to cope with.I want to change and I am and have been very independent and neither of my daughters have done anyfthing for me. All I asked for is respect, to be heard and ot talk into me or over me and a Christmas Card and a birthday card. It seems to me they can’t even do this little. The older one is doing better works and the younger daughter married with two girls told me off to say anything bad abut the older one does not want to hear it and now I feel neigher of them really have any respect nor love for me at all. I am crushed getting older and filled with anxiety as I was very mentally abused as a child and sometimes feel the same as I did then. I am a spiritual person and if described I would say I am a kind, loving sweet loyal honest generous spoiritual person. Now I feel like nothibng as this visit is with both dauthers and the youger one told me off when to the older one’s house and all having a picnic. I felt crushed and abandoned. My grandson also has a chip on his shoulder and I resent how now he talked to me today. He always protects him Mother except I have been the one dishing out money to my daughter his Mother. No more dan done with both of them and I know now I can not wear my heart my sleeve ever again with both dauthrers. This was my first visit at my new place where before I lived for 38 years and know now I made a bad mistake moving and buying a condo here by my older daugher. I need to get more into the word but feel frozen in time.
I came across this site searching for ways I can communicate with my daughter, without saying anything that will irritate her. I pray every morning for the Lord to help me know what to say to her and help me not to say anything that irritates her. It does not take much to set her off. I can usually tell if she is in an irritable mood. I tell myself to be quiet and let her do all the talking. I know it is during those times no matter what I say it is wrong. I try to think of ways to let her know I love her. I leave her notes that say how proud I am of her and that I love her. I do small things for her, I clean her apartment every Friday, so she can come home and rest and not have to clean. She does not pay me to do this. I do it because I love her. I just wish I knew how to communicate with her. I am at a loss in that department. She will yell at me not to talk to her like a child, but I have searched back on what I have said and I don’t know how I managed to set her off. I have told her in the past she is the one talking smart to me. It just makes things worse. I tried the silent treatment for a few days and call her and tell her I am sorry. She will be nice for a while and I unintentionally say something stupid. In her defense, she has a very stressful job . Any suggestions will be appreciated.
I am going through hell with my 24 year old daughter. She lashes out at me constantly. I know she is miserable in a very toxic relationship with her baby daddy but she won’t let him go. We are both going through sheer hell. My son passed away in February unexpectedly and we are both in hell over it. He is 3 years older than her. These are my only two children and my granddaughter is 3 (her daughter).
I have been divorced from their dad most of their lives. He is toxic, has always been awful and he was horrible to our son. That really affected him all of his life. He was better with our daughter but not at the expense of losing his 32 year old soon to be wife number 3 now. My daughter is very hurt over him but she still chases him. She also still chases this loser baby daddy she won’t leave. I have tried and tried to get her to realize she is not alone and deserves so much better and my granddaughter deserves better than to be in that toxic, fighting, environment or it just repeats iteself.
My daughter takes literally everything out on me. She cusses me, screams at me, and if I take up for myself at all, she keeps my granddaughter from me. I a devastated. I am already barely alive from my son passing away, His first birthday gone is next week. She is boycotting going on his camping trip in his honor. She is angry because things aren’t going exactly as she wants things. I put this together and I am paying for she and I to go. She wants me to pay for the babby daddy again, and I refuse to do it, and I don’t have the money to support him too. That seems to be expected from her.
So I am trying to get ready for this trip even with her screaming she isn’t going. I think it’s awful she wouldn’t go celebrate her brother’s life at this birthday trip. It’s all I can do to get through day to day without him, my heart is shattered. I know hers is too, but I’m the target of all the lashing and pain. Not sure what to do but to keep my boundaries down to not let her talk to me the way she does and get through it. And I miss my granddaughter soooo much 🙁
I talked to them about how I was so disrespected and set some boundaries and that was it for me..even more cruel and I was kicked to the curb…silence
Debra, I am so afraid of that being my fate. I am sorry for you. My daughter is often cruel to me. My fear of losing my grand children makes me have to just take her crap. She is mean to her kids too. Some days I feel like I will go crazy. I have read every post on this site. I am both glad and sad to know I am not alone. I guess it is normal for kids to hate their parents. Who would have thought ???
Chris I’m going to say something that may seem crazy to you but I’d like you to think about it. You’re right our kids ‘hate” us sometimes. And probably if we’re honest we hate our kids sometimes but hopefully never say it to them. Feelings are fickle. That’s why they are terrible decision makers. You are not alone, there are many here who relate to your stress and family situation. But here’s what I want you to think about and I’d love for the rest of you to consider it too. We only allow someone to continue to treat us hatefully to the degree we hate our own selves. If that’s true, you can’t change her feelings towards you, but you most certainly can work on your own feelings towards yourself. How might that change things both internally for you as well as externally in your relationships?
Thank you for the read, I don’t feel so alone and different, there are many of us going through this with our children. I choose to be the best of myself and take care and make good memories right now. My ex- is also wealthy and can do many things for the children, but I do feel very invalidated as their single mother and worked hard to make life normal for them..
While I am keeping my distance with the hope my daughter will realize what she is doing and why she acts abusive towards me, how do I handle not talking with or seeing my grandkids? It isn’t fair for them to wonder where I am and why I don’t come around to play with them and take them places.
How do I handle this? My grandson is 7 and he has witnessed many times how mean my daughter is towards me as well as unkind actions and words she uses. It is a shame but he sees this and He will say, “Mommy, quit being mean to MiMi!”
I raised 2 successful adult your ladies with very little help from their Dad. They are 32 and 29. Both have good jobs/ Their Dad would get them sometimes on his weekends for one day and many times would cancel if he had something going on. He paid very little in child support. I had a decent job amd provided everything they needed and pretty much everything they wanted. II tried very hard not to put hire dad down bc I felt like they needed him also.
Now they are young adults, he has came back into their lives. He is very manipulative and I am concerned they have learned this ways and listened to things that aren’t true from him. For the past few years. They have seen me less and call less. I have made it clear that I am here and love them / I try ti be her for them and am supportive:
They treat me with disrespect by rolling their eyes and bitterly laughing at me for being upset bc I am his robe the situation. I text and call several times each week. I have told them this is hurtful and I can’t tolerate their behavior any longer. This is so heartbreaking bc as any parent, I love them and would give my life for them.
To top it off, II have worked my entire life. Now at 57, I have had numerous surgeries and my health is deteriorating.. I go to the doctor/hospital by myself and keep my health issues to myself bc they are not here and do not want to hear it. They think I am faking my health issues when I don’t tell them hardly anything that is going on: in fact, I ask one of them to take me to a hospital procedure and they literally got into an argument bc none want ed to help me but when their dad had an issue with his stomach, they were at the hospital every day. They say to me, I want my strong mom back “ I want to be that person but I can’t physically do it: Where did I go so wrong?
You went wrong by not demanding their respect when they were growing up. I bet they were dismissive and presumptive even then. You might well have felt abandoned and overworked and suffered loneliness and been emotionally worn down and unable to do better with regard to keeping them in their place. I made these mistakes too.
This may be the saddest, most despairing confession of child abuse en masses I have ever unfortunately read.
I think in the near future we will see that it is in fact the parents failure to rise up against the abuse of the children that causes all the mental illness that has become so prevalent in today’s world. To condone the abuse of your child by your husband is beyond vile, yet to deny that fact later in life to avoid any semblance of accountability is literally the work of evil and insanity.
The scripture is mentioned a bit, specifically:
Thou shalt honor thy father and mother –
And yet the most significant parts of the book of Matthew are conveniently committed.
Do not betray your children, for then brother will betray brother and put them to death. Son will betray father and put them to death.
Our generation will be remembered as the meek that inherited the world. And to think the best we can do instead of surrendering our wealth and property, and submitting ourselves to the mercy of our victims is to deny them any such inheritance with gleeful spite as we instead give it to the very men who convinced us to take that spite upon ourselves in their stead.
We are weak, and we are proud. And as long as we never admit our wrongs or failures we will never be made to take responsibility. Such is the way of a damned soul.
Beautifully said.
Ever made a joke at your child expense and didn’t help them understand that their parent wasn’t being awful to them? Ever smack your children ever? did you call their personality traits, a phase? And did you ignore it and said they’ll get over it? Did you do the bear minimal by feeding your children giving them a home a shower?. Sounds like a lot of you have a loyalty, obey problem. You wanted your children to take care of you when you guys don’t even want to take care of their future. we have to deal with the mess that was made by the self center generation of our parents and not a single one of you will accept responsibility for what you’ve done. You guys have been known to two ways I did the best I could while trying to push your child to be quiet. or you said well I guess I’m a bad parent with such attitude. Those two statements are the most disrespectful things you can say to your children. Blaming your children and saying that they turned into something without realizing that everything they are is what was built into them by you guys. You need to educate yourself if you need to look up studies and you need to see how child development Works. You need to reflect on yourself because you are the number one place to start.
Your birthed them, not to respect their future, but to expect them to take care of you.
It doesn’t matter what your medical excuses are, we all have medical issues, you guys cause medical issues on your children and you don’t help them. Do you know what it’s like to break your wrist and have your parent tell you how much worse they have it while you’re in pain? do you know how much it is ridiculously stupid to say that your children are hurting you when they said you hurt them.
You’re not allowed to tell your children or anybody else that they’re feeling don’t matter, they said boundaries they’re setting boundaries against the people that caused them pain.
I grew up with parents like you guys, and it has been the worst ride of my life until I left. I was able to take care of myself, but with them it wasn’t a good thing. They sound like you guys.
I was raised like this as well. I struggle every single day with finding reasons to keep going. I’m 54.
Stop it, Melinda. It’s not about you. Find God and love others. You’re 54 years old.
Cllem,
Your feelings and $2 will buy you a cup of coffee. Don’t tell us, please, how child development works. Because you are a grown man still wrapped up in the feelings of a child. At what point will you decide it’s time to grow up? On your deathbed? As an old man?
It’s time, Cllem.
Put away childish things.
It’s time to grow up now.
There are many valid vantage points here in these comments. Personally, it’s been difficult to break the habit of “feeling like I have to take responsibility” for how my daughter reacts when she gets angry or upset about something and then takes out her frustration on me. (just because I’m there) It’s not my fault how she is, and I refuse to let her use me as her punching bag. Love is a verb. That’s her life lesson to learn. The only life you can live is your own.
I think this is the result of too much Mother’s guilt and empathy. Time changes family relationships and some changes are problematic; most changes are out of any one person’s control.
Many adult children manipulate their parent to meet their changing needs and being co-dependent in these manipulations
My adult daughter and my 9 year old granddaughter my daughter her illegally in the country fiance my grandson a d granddaughter were living in my home I raised my 3 old grandson provided his child care for my daughter and grandsons father. This was the 2nd time I moved my daughter in with me to help her gave up my room everything .she had another c section with tbe 2nd child while living with me I drove her fiance to work picked him up did all their laundry cooking took care of both children so she could rest and heal
I did the same for her when my grandson elwas born. She was extremely rude and mean to me through out the pregnancy only ni e when she needed simethibg done. Wholey grsndsom was visitimg his father he eas bidpisly attacked bu his girlfriend s dog. He woukdnt allow my daughter to take him to get medical care and he needed it. I quit doing daycare fir him . My daughter was angry and forbade me to go to my grandsons 3rd birthday party which I planned and helped pay for. Then I was uninvited to her wedding made to feel like a leapor in my home. Until this April pn my 50 th bday the 2 girls burst into my room and beat me
.I had 2 black eyes black and blue face gouges of skin out of my neck and chest bruised all over. They then preceeded to say they were valling police on me my grandchildren saw it all my grandson and i were so close i spent everyday since he was born with him he was distraught. . I packed all my belongings I could and a friend I’ve known since grads cool came to get me I’m an hour away from my home from my mother thst I was taking care of I don’t drive. . The sadness and pain of missing my grandson has become to much to bear. I’ve lost my family my home my life
My Kids and I Were Very Close As They Grew Into Afults. I Raised Them Alone After A Bad Divorce.
We Are From A Long Generation Of Very Moralistic, Family Oriented, Hard Working,Educated Family Where Extended Family & Immediate Family Are All Involved Together.
My Son Married and, As Family Tradition, I Was Very Involved & Helped With His First 2 Children. His Wife Was Not In A Good Relationship With Her Own Mother. At The Time Due To Family Disfunction & Manipulation Issues.
As Time Went I Would Find My Dauhter In Law Telling Me It Was Inconvenient For Them For Me To Visit. My Son Would Tell Me To Come By Anytime And Obviously Had No Idea His Wife Was Telling Me I Could Not Come. I Let Him Know What She Was Doing But He Refused To Believe It, Because That Was Not Our Way. Keeping Family Away From Each Other.
Now The Grandkids Are Grown and Some Are On Their Own and My Son Will Have Nothing To Do With Me. They Have Shown My Grandkids How To Ignore Me As Well. The Sad Part Is They Also Ignore Both Of My Eldery Patients Too.
My Mother Recently Passed Away and My Son Told Me He Will Not Involve Me In Their Lives Because I Will Not Try To Be In Their’s. Which Is Not True At All! I Have Tried For Over 20 Years But Keep Getting Told It Is Inconvenient.
His Wife’s Mother & (convicted felon) Husband Are Like Gum Stuck To Them Now Days And Are Also Hateful Toward Me. My Daughtet In Law Has Been Very Manipulative Since The Very Beginning When I Allowed Her To Move Into Our Home With Us.
My Son’s Dad More or Less Deserted Us When My Son Was Born And Legally Signed His Parental Rights Away. Both Our Families Are Knowledgeable In His Actions, But After I Allowed His Dad Back Into Our Lives When My Son Was A Teenager, He Has Told My Son He Was The Victim Who Was Left Behind. He Is Very Well Off Financially and Materialisticaly and Uses Money To Get Himself Around In Life. Including With My Kids & Grandkids. He Is Financially Invested In My Son’s Business and So Another Wedge Has Been Placed Between My Son & I If He Wants To Stay In Good Grace’s With His Dad & New Wife, Who Is Younger Than My Son, And Manipulative Over His Dad.
So Much Disfunction & Money Rule The Other Sie Of His Life I Fear He Will Never See The Reality Of What Has Led Him To Believe I Am A Horrible Person.
It Is Very Depressing & Sad and Hurts Me Badly To Be Rejected By My Son Who Was So Close To Me & His Sister. He Has Become Blind To The Truth and I Am Blamed For The Outcome.
I Have No Idea How Or What To Do Anymore. Financially I Cannot Keep Up With My Son’s Dad and Dramatically I Cannot Keep Up With My Daughter In Law’s Mom.
I Still Have The Same Family Oriented, Hard Working, Honest, Moralistic Values. I Cannot Change Into Something I Am Not..
Your son’s wife may have been lying to him about you and putting you in a bad light with him bc she is a self-centered and narcissistic person who wants constant attention and she may be very good at manipulating him too. My second husband’s sisters were like that and completely turned him against me over time… Some people cannot see past the shiny exterior of others and are easily manipulated. Other people are charmed by this shallowness of others bc of something lacking in themselves… some need they are not aware of that is being filled by the manipulative, self-centered people. No matter the reason I’m hoping with time your son’s eyes will be opened to your love for him and you will be reunited. Until then… continue to be your authentic self… Love yourself… Take care of yourself and do not compete with the shallow manipulative people… You don’t want to become one of them.
The thing that jumped out at me in the situation in the question of the article that jumped out at me mixed with the ages of the the 2 younger daughters versus the older kids was the quote started below.
“They just lash out verbally if and when they get mad, mainly at me.
I have a neurological disease that affects my eyesight and speaking voice and ability to get my breath as well as a minor heart condition.”
The thing about battling a neurological disease that’s effecting a speech is it requires family and friends to know that person well to properly read verbal and non- verbal communication. It takes a lot of empathy from both sides to understand that mom’s social filter may be effected just as the daughters in their 30’s maybe battling their own battles and it’s just a communication issue and limited emotional availability .
The self-discipline most moms have after raising 4 kids must now be used to address her form of communication. She might have to resort to typing e-mails then proof reading them the next day when discussing business and boundaries because words aren’t getting filtered or expressed at the right time.
Also many upper middle class and wealthy people don’t realize how their definition of speaking directly comes across very passive aggressive and manipulative, not direct.
If the girls are living in lower economic class it’s coming across passive aggressive. I can translate because I have lived on both sides of the tracks, but unless that difference isn’t noted the misconception may take a while to figure out.
Either way it will require a lot of give and take to heal. This would be important to because health issues like that are genetic and knowing what worked and didn’t work in previous generations makes a big difference.
If it weren’t for the neurological issue and the relationship dynamics being different with the older kids, my guess would have been she’s giving unwanted advice that comes across as undermining. Yes, I have seen many moms do this and think nothing of it. It’s not okay if they want a relationship with their kids or any family member.
When did it become acceptable for adult children to not receive occasional advice from parents? I’m just asking because it seems to be mentioned here several times. I am thankful that my Dad can still give me advice at 86 (I’m a 53 year old daughter). I would do anything to have my Mom’s advice and help, but she passed away 20 years ago. I am now in a healthy marriage after being in one with a covert narcissist for 26 years. I wore myself out taking care of my children and being made responsible for everything at home. I shielded my children as best as I knew how, but now my adult daughters have turned on me. I don’t give unsolicited advice, but I am accused of all kinds of petty things, plus this. I can’t imagine disrespecting my parents and grandparents the way my daughters disrespect and use or ignore me. They are basically picking up where my ex left off and treating me just like he treated me. It’s sad that they choose to be mean. I can’t do anything right in their eyes (contact too much, not enough). They are constantly moving the goalposts and putting me in the scapegoat position, exactly like their Dad and his parents and sister treated me. What a shame, since I gave them all my love, the best of me. I have decided to be more proactive and call them out for any future emotional abuse. I think it’s wrong for anyone to ‘take their feelings out’ on anyone beyond occasional healthy venting. There is a difference and no one deserves to be treated like that. There is a spiritual component at work here. How sad that any child is abused, but sadder that todays adult children find it fashionable to blame good parents for everything instead of taking responsibility for their behavior. And to the few commentators who think the ‘good’ parents sound like their ‘abusive’ ones, it’s very difficult to tell the difference by what is said, and, you can’t project your situation on another.
You kept a 26 year marriage to a toxic person and claim you were a “good” parent?? YOU are projecting dear. Like most boomer females you can’t see your own toxicity. You think it is worse to be you than an abused child. The selfishness is off the charts.
Dear God, help this broken woman , Melinda. Thank you for bringing Melinda Taylor to my attention so I can pray daily for her. Help her to find the peace in You that she so desperately needs. I pray that you bless Melinda in all ways, financially, physically, spiritually. May she no longer find validation in lashing out at other hurting souls, but desire much better things for her life. I will continue to lift up Melinda’s name before You, God. I ask You to help her, in the name of Jesus. Amen
God bless you, Donna. The surrounding culture, and church, often exalts marriage above the wellbeing of the woman. Of course, Dobson and others said that divorce harms children. I’m sure you did your best and what you thought was right in the circumstances. If a person cannot acknowledge that women suffer in abusive relationships and want to attack a wife and mother for being married to an abusive man for 26 years, that person is truly broken.
I believe that me generation pop psychology that tells adults and children to wallow in their own feelings and think about how they were wronged as children have given rise to a spoiled generation. I do not think that parents can be blamed for the rise of disrespectful adult children who feel sorry for themselves and behave abusively towards their parents. They even now think they are “justified” attacking an entire generation of people for being in the same generation of their parents.
Psychology has gone the way of opposing Christianity. The victimization revelries have spoiled the generation that told adults to focus on their childhood and find fault with their parents.
Also, the focus on “feelings” instead of responsibility to control emotions and behave properly has produced a form of histrionics. These adults behave as spoiled children who have no anchor in reality, love for God, love for others, personal responsibility, or standards of proper behavior. Instead, they wallow in their own feelings, lose touch with what is objective & important, give themselves over to histrionics, and think their feelings justify lashing out at others. Through taught histrionics, taught by focusing on their own feelings as the “measujre of truth” in “their own reality”, they learn to have a dead conscience. They’re not sorry for what they do.
I suppose they think the only solution is someone being made subject to their feelings in emotional blackmail – so that their feelings can rule over everyone around them for evermore. Those feelings are the definition of “self” and “self-centeredness”.
God help the histrionics who think their own emotional blackmail is “justice” and “how relationships should work”.
I hope things work better for you and your children.
The author of this article does state to inform your adult children of the behavior you expect from them. They have reverted into toddler-like histrionic immaturity – and one must return, I suppose, to speaking to them as toddlers. The fact that they should know better does not change the fact that they will do what they can get away with so long as they are affirmed in their misbehavior by a licentious culture that affirms psychobabble and histrionics rather than polite, well-behaved society.
I suppose that there are forces at work who want to reduce grown adults to histrionic, spoiled toddlers in level of maturity.
We can definitely pray for them.
We can also discipline them like the toddlers they are behaving as. Watching Super Nanny may help. 🙂
Remember, look them in the eyes and speak with an authoritative voice. You cannot control their responses. But you can be a Super Nanny. 🙂
God bless you, Donna!
I have spent the last 40 years doing exactly what my children wanted from me. They have all graduated from college and have nice family homes and they all have beautiful children. I am now 61 years old and have decided to move away from them and their dad. I have finally decided I need to be happy for once in my life. Now my kids don’t want anything to do with me. I raised them all practically by myself. I do not deserve this treatment. how can I try to fix this.
Oh how my heart is breaking for all of you as I read these comments. I too am living with this in my own family. I finally said in a nice letter that I love her and son in law but I cannot and will not receive these hateful, hurtful words texted to me time and time again when I do not do “as I am required” from them. After they received my letter, I was again blasted with a horrible text that there “must be a monster inside of me” and “where is my Mom”? When I tell this group here that I have given and given and done and done and loved and loved for all my children’s lives, being active in all their activities, friends, etc. I am not exaggerating one bit. I would NEVER ever speak to my parents the way I am spoke to. I even put in my letter that I am to blame for this going on for so long, that I have been fearful to lose them and fearful to lose my grandchildren if I spoke up, so I remained quiet and just did what I was told knowing that the few times I tried to use my voice, I was shut down immediately with hateful, hurtful words. So here we are, Me and my husband (her father), shut out completely from our daughter, her husband (in which we also did and did for him) and out of our precious grandchildren’s lives. And it is Christmastime. Our hearts are broken in pieces, and literally do not know what to do. We are thankful we stumbled upon this website and read Leslie’s advice and so we will be silent, not reach out, no contact and we will pray. We will pray that a mountain is being moved in their hearts and that they grow up soon and realize what they have done. Thank you all for your time.
I could write a book on the number of times my child ultimately hurts me and it feels like with malicious intent. I won’t because for my own mental health I cannot survive/live in that pain.
With that in mind, he has hurt me again, and this is me venting.
Given the fact they are literally a part of us, as we carried them and gave them life, I know my only child, my son can be so vicious and call me a C***. I’m still in shock at that. My father would have rolled in his grave, my dad raised a lady. While I know the intent behind the name called is untrue, the absolute hurt I still feel is painful.
He has recently become a first time father, and he has already threatened me twice with no contact. On one occasion because I asked him to see if he could figure out what parcel of goodies for my grandson hadn’t arrived. All I said to him was can’t you ask your wife you’re there. I live on the other side of the country.
WTF? I mean WTF?
What if they live with you part time, say the saying and walk away/ignore? Go to my room?? My 22 year old is out of control and she she had some trauma but I tried my best and loved her endlessly
this thread is filled with narcissistic people that remind me of my narc parents. No contact children are always the fault of the child to these people, they were always perfect parents according to themselves and always demand respect, never wanting to earn it.
THIS A THOUSAND TIMES!! Something very very wrong with the boomer mindset, especially the women.
You say all that you’ve done to help your children. But let’s be honest here, they are upset with you about something, most grown adults don’t lash
out at their mother for no reason. I’m the same with my mother, I don’t respect her anymore . She made my childhood miserable and even into adulthood. Oh and she definitely did nice things here and there for me but she’s still a narcissist. If you ask my mother, the same question, she would tell you the same thing. Oh, I always did nice things for her and I did this and I did that because she can’t take accountability for the wrong she’s done. There’s two sides to every story. It would be interesting to hear your daughter’s side because I guarantee you it’s totally different, And they’re definitely carrying some resentment around.
look at all the narcs replying demanding that respect is given not earned.
almost guarantee if adult children are not talking to you, it’s your fault.
funny how narcs “find god” as soon they they get their due narcissistic collapse.
Hi there! I truly hope you are well and see this. I am a 42 year woman. I have a twin sister. I teared up reading your post because I know that I get verbally abusive with my mother and my sister. I always sincerely apologize that day if I have not been blocked. That’s truly the only support I have from family. No one visits me because apparently I live too far now. But I did want to shed some light maybe from their perspectives. I love my mother and sister so much it hurts but I am brushed off by statements like get over it, let it go and move on. It’s steams me. Money both say they are supportive,?there for me and care about me but not how I feel. My twin has degree, made all the same mistakes that I have but they team up on me. My sister has disrespected me in all three if my homes. I have bought and paid them all off. I moved 3 hours away after losing a job I loved and got fired when I asked for equal pay. I worked with 140 guys as a technician running lines and climbing poles and busted my buns for years. Sadly I was being choked and abused on lunch brakes when I ran in the door for a sandwich and went back to work with a smile. My home was damaged badly and my soul. I had to sell and move somewhere to heal and could pay cash. My mother and grandmother have given my sister money to repair cars, cisigned for cars, my dad (divorced and abandoned us) gave her a boat. My entire life I supported myself. Only had unemployment for like 5 weeks. Spent my retirement on 3 therapist a week. My twin was working full time mid 30’s an hour and I wss paying 300 a week to get hell on repairing township. I made amends. Apologized sincerely for my actions like leaving her at a bar bc she left me on a dock for hours. Was our boat. They recently were sending videos back and forth from my security cameras which I said watch the deer I fed. I got an apology and an excuse from my mom. My twin wasn’t going to tell me. Her boyfriend did. They never say sorry for anything. I need family but every day a cycle starts over. Long winded but maybe put yourself in their shoes. Are they feeling l ill e they aren’t treated fairly. I pray they apologize and things get better.
Our 38 year old son has been married for 12 years. Our daughter in law was really nice to us at first but then things changed once they were married. She became rude and disengaged from our family. Barely spoke to us and hardly attended any of our family gatherings. And when she did attend she interacted minimally with our family. When they had their first child, our first grandchild, it got even worse. Very limited contact. (we live about 40 minutes from them) She was angry that I posted a photo of our grandson on Instagram. I never identified him by name on the post it could have been anyone’s baby. I immediately took the photo down and apologized. No social media for their kids, they do not allow any photos to be posted. They now have 6 children and we mainly see them at sporting events. We are only invited to holiday gatherings with them if our other son is visiting from out of town, otherwise we are excluded. They only spend holidays with her family. Even though we are friends with her parents and her uncle we are never included in holidays with them. He tells us they are too busy. Our other son, who lives in California, says he feels now uncomfortable around them as well. We have talked to our son about what we can do to mend this situation but he said that since I raised my voice to our DIL about four years ago she can never forgive me. She was screaming at me for 30 minutes about a situation she felt occurred but which in fact never did not occur. I finally yelled back at her in frustration (and I had never raised my voice to her, just bit my tongue) . But this has been going on for many years prior to my yelling at her. Our son says that she does not speak to her sister or her father as well because she felt that they “wronged” her and she cannot forgive them. This has been a nightmare. We walk on eggshells when we are around her and him. We are allowed to come to the kids’ birthday parties but she never speaks to us or my mother and ignores us the whole time we are there. Our son spoke to us about family counseling and we agreed to go with them. We even suggested they find the counselor but then they never did. So here we are again, it is Easter and we re not allowed to see our grandchildren. Our son once again said that they are too busy and maybe next weekend we could see them. It is heart breaking for my husband and me. My sister sees her grandchild all of the time and we spend our holidays with them, but it makes us sad to not spend the time with our grandchildren. Our granddaughter who is 6 is always asking me when can she come over to our house. There are so many things our daughter in law has done to us over the years that it is sickening, but we try to take the high road otherwise we will never see our grandchildren. Our son has made it clear that he won’t rock the boat with her. I look at our son who was so sweet and loving with us, always talked with us even when he was away at college. And now we barely recognize him. I see a man who does not look happy, looks very tired and seems on edge. I have heard her berate him when she did not think I was listening. We are at wits end as to what to do. We love our son and our 6 grandchildren. We aren’t getting any younger and it at times feels hopeless. Any ideas of what we should do would be helpful.
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My daughter , her 2 adult children, and three minor children moved in with me after my husband died a year ago. I was happy about it at first. But now, she abuses me everyday, tries to turn everyone against me. Shes even hit me before. But every day I live its, Chris died because he hated you. I hate you, I wish you were dead. She takes my debit cards so that I cannot buy even a coke and takes the 2 liters so I have to drink water. I can’t live like this anymore. She threatens putting me in a home everyday. I am only 56! I love my one grandson more than anything. I have practically raised him. I know that if I do anything against her, I won’t see him anymore. I just want to die.
I never thought I’d need to help a friend with a DUI case, but when it happened, this site came through with a responsive and professional DUI bail bond service. They acted quickly and explained everything we needed to know. The peace of mind they provided was worth so much.
I have spent hours reading my own situation over and over. It makes me angry for every mistreated Mother who shared their pain! Yet, I have 3 daughters. Two 4’0’s have exceeded my greatest expectations (which was, that they live HAPPY LIVES.
They do, and always have treated me with the same kindness & Respect as they do with their best friends, with everyone. My third daughter (30’s) turned 12yrs old and suddenly HATED ME, as she’s told me often! She criticizes, sine age 12, at every turn. When she was in her 20’s I realized I can’t relax when I’m around her, even in the family group. She’s been known to humiliate me , in front of others her age, and my adult friends, for years and years! Yes, I’ve calmly tried to talk to her and find out WHAT I CAN CHANGE ABOUT MYSELF to stop IRRITATING/IMPATIENCE her. She’s refused to go to counseling with me. But, once married, she’s let me pay for her /husband’s counseling. I could go on and on.
A year ago Christmas, she learned she was pregnant (which will be my first, and only grandchild. She suddenly said I told her I didn’t LOVE HER!! Which became the reason for her cutting me completely out of her/baby out of my life. for the past 18months. Oh, I’ve begged, and cried, and certainly was not concerned with what, if any, pride or self-esteem I had, if I had any left after BEATING MYSELF UP! Wondering what or how I went wrong! Totally holding only myself responsible.
It’s been 18months, with her unwavering refusal to answer my calls, cards, and texts….And! Guess what I suddenly became MY REALITY?!? I DO NOT WANT TO BABYSIT!!! I realize I cannot ever become attached to her child! Why? Because every time she gets offended, or simply disagrees with any opinion I dare share——she’ll withhold her child in order to punish me—-“until she needs a babysitter.. This is so hard! Why set myself to repeat the pain over and over as SHE DETERMINES? I’d probably put mismatched socks on her child(IM VERY SERIOUS). I cannot go through, “I CHOOSE NOT TO SUBJECT MYSELF TO CONSTANT SUFFERING going forward. Another thing I have learned; I HAVE NOT FELT GIANT EGG SHELLS OR TROUBLE BREATHING FROM THE ANXIETY OF KNOWING IM GOING TO BE AROUND HER!
A quote: “Mothers, WE DID THE BEST WE COULD WITH WHAT WE HAD AT THE TIME.”
( experience,, home life, etc etc)
I’ve been through so much self-hatred during counseling intended to teach me about TOXIC PEOPLE; and to FINALLY SEE WHY IVE STAYED IN DEPRESSION; WHILE HAVING A GREAT HAPPY LIFE I NEEDED TO ENJOY! TOXIC PERSON who has stripped me of self-esteem, self-worth, confidence, and respect for myself…for over 60years. I cut that steel tie finally. So, that’s what I am going to do…FINALLY DO SOMETHING FOR MYSELF , SO I CAN FIND MY PROUD CONFIDENT SELF, again.
Therefore, I am finished.. I do not want her coming back into my life.
My daughter won’t let me see my grandsons… I do not know what I did that could make her hate me… We had an argument her senior year. Now, it’s 9 years later… I let her go.
Psalms – God sits on his throne, and he judges righteously… my trust has to be in him, not her…not myself. I am sorry you’re going through this, though.
I am writing this not because anyone is interested but I have decided to go no contact with my 45 year old son. I was not the best mother in the world but nowhere near the worst. I raised my son on my own with little help (financially and without any visitation) from my ex. My son resents everything about his upbringing even though he always had whatever he needed and was never abused or mistreated, Whenever I talk to my son, he rolls his eyes with just about everything I say or he smirks. If we are talking on the phone he will stop responding so I end up asking if he is still there. He will tell me I am “out of touch”, a tightwad,, etc. Today I told him I was going to give my dog a bath. He Googled it and told me I give my dog too many baths and caused my last dog to have skin issues. This is just an example of how he will take the smallest comment I make, analyze it and tell me I am wrong. After many years of this arrogant behavior I intend to not respond to his calls. He has never married and has no children so I am not cutting a DIL or grandkids out. I am 71, sharp, in shape, healthy, well dressed and educated and do not expect to die anytime soon. I think the only reason he has anything to do with me at this time is I have a little money and a paid for house and he is waiting for the pay off and merely “placating”me. (BTW his visit today was at his insistence. He had not even sent a Mother’s Day card which was two weeks ago. I offered to make dinner. He said he would rather go out. I ended up paying after he selected where we would eat.) I don’t think I have made any difference in this world and feel I will probably be better off leaving most of my assets to the Salvation Army or Rescue Mission. My parents died leaving a small estate and my 14 year younger adopted brother burned through the money in 2 years and died of a Cocaine overdose. My son is a heavy Marijuana user and I fear he will use the money to quit his job and smoke all day and I feel I have a moral obligation to give back somehow over supporting my son’s addiction. It is all heartbreaking but I just feel old and tired. Thanks for my “vent time”.
Julie, for the first time after 10 years of verbal abuse, I blocked my 40-year-old son. This means no more grandchildren. It hurts, badly. Yet taking a stand against this has given me some rest. Prayers for you
Dear Papadaddy, it’s nice that you feel that way but when a woman goes through the extreme Pain that it takes to bring a child into the world she certainly does deserve to be Loved ad Respected. Especially if she’s a good Mom and works hard to raise her children. When a Mother who does everything she can to make her children happy
does deserve all the Love and Respect her children can give in return.
I can’t believe the way things have changed in this world. Years ago grown children were totally different They were very Loving and Respectful to their Parents. They wouldn’t dream of being Verbally Abusive or Disrespectful.
It;s the times. These days when children grow up and leave the house they no longer feel any Love for their Parents.. It’s very sad and I think one of the reasons children are so cold and unapprechiative toward their Parents’
is not enough training about God and the Ten Commandments. One of the 10 Commandments is “Honor thy Father and Thy Mother.” There is a saying that if a Child is not Loving toward their Parent, the Gates if Heaven will be Chlosed to them.
Our daughter made our life a living hell when she left her husband and seven kids for a money hungry sick “girl”.
She turned out and her kids upside down. She gave up a very nice life and has to scrape for money now. She lost her housekeeper and everything that came with a charmed life.
We refused to go to her fares “wedding “.
Seven years later the girl stole 200 thousand dollars from our daughter and committed suicide.
Though we have gotten close to our daughter over the last three years. Today she decided to tell me she resents me but no explanation.
She’s cold as ice but nothing new.
She was a wonderful child loved by teachers, peers and everyone.
We have given her so much. Throughout the years I’ve told her I have unconditional love for her but she told a therapist once “my mother never loved me” a blatant lie.
I have all the hallmark cards from her to prove it.
She could be having a bad day .Or she’s realizing she made an awful choice and wants to blame me.
She’s never accepted responsibility for her awful decision.
Not sure how to handle. It’s very painful