Hello friend,

There’s something about fall that makes me realize how quickly the year is moving! The beautiful colors, cooler days, and familiar holiday traditions can be such a gift. But let’s be honest in naming the truth that holidays can also bring a little extra stress, family expectations, and relationships that challenge us in ways we wish they didn’t. This year, what are you ready for to be different? Maybe it’s not just getting through the holidays but learning to show up differently for yourself and in your relationships. Maybe it’s having a clearer, more confident sense of yourself, your agency and your purpose.

As we look forward to the new year, we’ll be launching our group coaching program, Empowered to Change, and we are filling up our groups now. I invite you to consider this great opportunity to begin by asking yourself: What would I like to be different in my life by this time next year? What patterns am I ready to stop repeating? What would it look like to live with greater confidence, healthier boundaries, and a deeper sense of who God created me to be? Change often begins when we become willing to look honestly at our lives and recognize what is no longer working. It also requires us to consider what we want to move toward.

Today’s question invites us to look more closely at the choices before us, consider what our current patterns are costing us, and begin clarifying what a healthier, more fulfilling life might look like. It challenges us to stop waiting for circumstances to change before we take our needs seriously and to consider what steps we might take toward meaningful change.

Question: I’ve been married for 21 years, and for much of that time my marriage has been emotionally and verbally abusive, and/or neglectful. When I read your book seven years ago and began to set some boundaries, things improved a little bit but got worse again over time. Within the past year or two I have felt at the end of my rope when his explosive behaviors have happened, like I just can’t take it anymore. Within the past year he has told me he is married to me in contract alone, and told me to pack all my things and leave. But then when he realized how close to leaving I actually was, he begged me not to leave. The last incident was 5 months ago now. I’m glad that we have gone for that long without it happening again. But I don’t feel like he loves me, and we don’t really connect or communicate. I have learned to hold my tongue and let things go so that things don’t get worse. We have 2 young boys. He is a good provider and helpful around the house and with practical things. But is this enough for a marriage? I am truly heartbroken from how things have gone over the years. But I feel like things are never quite “bad” enough to justify me leaving or seeking help. What should I do?

Answer: Dear Friend, it’s not uncommon for me to hear women describe a growing awareness of what is happening in their marriage after reading Leslie’s book, The Emotionally Destructive Marriage. I’m glad to hear that reading the book helped you begin caring for yourself through setting boundaries. Twenty-one years of emotional and verbal abuse or neglect can take a significant toll on your personhood, your sense of self, your spiritual well-being, and your physical health. I hear heartbreak in your words, and I want you to know that you don’t have to minimize what you’ve experienced simply because things aren’t currently as bad as they once were. In your question, you didn’t seem to be expressing uncertainty about the spiritual aspects of leaving, therefore, I’ll stay with the relational dynamics and experiences you have described, trusting that you are working through the spiritual aspects of this decision.

You mention your husband’s explosive behaviors’ and describe reaching a point where you felt you couldn’t take it anymore. Living with unpredictable anger or the possibility of another explosive incident can leave us constantly anticipating what might happen next. We may carefully monitor our words, manage our behavior and suppress our needs in an attempt to prevent another conflict. Over time, this can leave little room for rest, the ability to live authentically or the freedom to be yourself in your own home.

You wrote your husband asked you to leave, saying you were married in contract only, and he asked you to pack your things and leave, only to beg you to stay when he realized the seriousness of you leaving. This is not uncommon for someone to become more attentive, apologetic or express a desire to change when faced with the possibility of losing a relationship. While his response may be sincere there are some other questions to ask yourself. Is he taking responsibility for the harm he has caused? Is he curious about the impact on you? Is he willing to do the difficult work of change, with intention and consistency? Will he do the work of change even when there is no threat of losing you? Will he choose to learn to respond differently when he is frustrated, disappointed or doesn’t get what he wants?

You shared that your last incident was five months ago and that certainly led to a sense of relief. The absence of a recent explosive incident isn’t the same as a healthy relationship of love, connection, communication and emotional safety. Could this be because you have learned how to maintain peace? At what cost is there peace?

So, is this enough for a marriage? Only you can make decisions about what you are willing and able to live with.

But I would encourage you to consider a question that may be more helpful than asking whether things are bad enough to justify leaving:

What is the cost to me of staying in this relationship as it is today, and what might be the cost of leaving?

Either choice is difficult and staying may mean you continue to live with disconnection, hold back part of yourself and wonder if or when the explosive behaviors return. Leaving can bring grief, financial concerns, certainly change for the children and the uncertainty of building a separate life. There are costs on both sides. But just because leaving would be difficult does not mean staying is the right choice. Making a decision requires support from others who understand these dynamics and those who can help you evaluate your situation from a neutral perspective. You also have two young boys and their well-being to consider. Certainly, considering their needs will be part of that process. Meanwhile here are some questions to consider as you begin the process of evaluating and noticing:

• If nothing changed and my marriage remained as it is today for the next five years, what would I need to change in order to stay healthy and strong?
• Am I experiencing genuine peace in my marriage, or have I learned to keep the peace by holding my tongue, minimizing my needs, and avoiding conflict?
• What has actually changed in the past five months? (Am I seeing consistent evidence of accountability and lasting change, or am I primarily relieved that the explosive incidents have stopped?)
• What is staying in this marriage, as it is today, costing me emotionally, physically, spiritually, and relationally?
• What might leaving cost me, and what support would I need to navigate those challenges?
• Am I staying because I see evidence that we are building a healthier marriage, or because I feel afraid, guilty, or uncertain about what comes next?
• If I believed I didn’t have to prove that my marriage was bad enough to take my pain seriously, what would I acknowledge about my situation?

Deciding takes careful thought and support and there is no rush. Giving yourself permission to look honestly at the relationship as it is rather than through the lens of the hope you want it to become. You are allowed to seek clarity as you move toward a path that honors the truth of your experience and your faith. The goal isn’t to force a decision before you are ready. Speaking honestly to yourself about your experience will help you walk in integrity and choose wisely as you seek a healthy, sustainable path forward.

Friend, Have you ever found yourself wondering whether a situation needs to become worse before you are justified in engaging change? What helps you to recognize when it’s time to take your own needs seriously and move toward something healthier?