My Husband Is Physically Abusive. I’m Afraid. What Do I Do?
Hello Friends,
Before October ends, I want to bring back one more question from the archives.
We began this Domestic Violence Awareness Month series by talking about recognition. Then we talked about trusting what you’re seeing when the abuse is subtle enough to make you doubt yourself.
Today’s question is different. This woman is not wondering whether her husband’s behavior is hurtful. He throws things, hits her, pushes her, and she is afraid. Yet she is still asking how she can help him stop while trying to honor God and keep her marriage together.
I first answered her in 2008. I want to revisit my answer because there are several things I would say even more clearly today, especially around responsibility, biblical submission, and safety.
Question: My husband constantly loses his temper. Sometimes he throws things. Other times he hits me or pushes me around. It’s getting worse.
I’ve tried to make him happy, but nothing works for long. I’m trying to honor God and stay with him, but I’m afraid. The kids are seeing all of this.
Deep down I know he’s hurting. At times he can be very loving. How do I help him stop?
Answer: I’m so sad you’re living like this. Let me start with something you need to hear clearly.
Your husband is fully responsible for the way he behaves when he is angry.
You did not cause him to hit you because you failed to make him happy. You cannot keep him from becoming violent by finding the right words, being more agreeable, or trying harder.
Anger, hurt, disappointment, and conflict never justify physical violence. In a later question, I wrote to a woman whose husband claimed her “disrespect” caused him to hit her. I told her that his behavior was still his choice. The same truth applies here.
This is also not a biblical submission issue.
Biblical submission cannot be forced or coerced. A husband is never given biblical permission to intimidate, bully, threaten, or hit his wife into compliance. God does not ask you to quietly absorb violence so your husband can avoid the consequences of his own choices.
And this is not only about what he is doing to you. Your children are seeing it. What they are witnessing matters.
You asked how you can help him stop. I want to gently turn that question around.
You cannot change him. You cannot repent for him. You cannot make him want to become safe.
What you can do is take the violence seriously and get support for yourself and your children.
If he hits you, threatens you, or chokes you, call 911. Before you wait for another violent incident, call the domestic violence hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE and ask for help.
If you are considering speaking truth to him or setting a consequence, do not assume that a stronger conversation by itself will make you safer. In later writing, I warned that an abusive person may retaliate when confronted. Have a plan for your safety and get wise support around you.
Sometimes separation may become a necessary consequence when an abusive spouse remains unrepentant and unsafe. That is not the same thing as retaliation. It does not mean you have failed to love him.
Christian love and forgiveness do not require unlimited access, relationship, or reconciliation with someone who continues to abuse without repentance.
Your job is not to make the abuse stop for him. Your next step is to tell the truth about what is happening and get the support you need to respond wisely.
My updated thoughts for you: Looking back, this is the part of my original answer I most want to strengthen.
When physical violence is present, I do not want a woman hearing, “Try harder to make him understand.” I want her to understand that his violence is his responsibility and her safety matters.
There may be times in a destructive marriage when you are working on your own communication, boundaries, or responses. But physical violence changes the urgency. You do not have to wait until you can explain it perfectly or until he agrees that what he did was wrong before you seek help.
God is not asking you to prove your faithfulness by pretending danger is not dangerous. He cares about truth. He cares about what violence is doing to you, to your children, and even to the person who is choosing it.
Friend, what truth about responsibility or safety do you need to stop arguing yourself out of today?
7 Comments
Leave a Comment
Ask Your Question
Have a blog question you'd like to submit?
Submit
Your Question
Each week, Leslie & Co. answers an anonymous reader question on the blog. Due to the volume of questions we receive, we cannot answer every one. Please submit your question below:
Read More
How Do I Minister To My Unbelieving Abusive Husband?
Morning friends, How are you doing? I mean really doing, deep in your soul and spirit? Are you sensing His presence? His love? His forgiveness? His help? I hope so. Many of you here experience a crushed spirit. You are regularly invalidated, dismissed, demeaned and degraded and used as an object. This takes it’s toll…
I Left My Destructive Marriage, Now What?
Morning Friends, I spend the weekend cleaning out my closets and boy did it feel good. I am reading the book, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo. I think there is something very healing about decluttering your space. When we get too full of stuff (internally or externally) we can’t be at…
Help, I’m discouraged. What can I do?
Morning friend, We did it. We launched our new Podcast, Relationship Truth: Unfiltered. I hope you have listened to the first few episodes and subscribed. This week I’m talking about what defines a relationship as healthy or unhealthy? To listen, click here. I’d also love to hear from you regarding what topics would you like…
You have a right to feel safe and protected in your own home, as do your children.
Children are harmed by witnessing the abusive behavior of one parent and the compliant behavior of the other.
Please don’t believe empty words and shallow promises. What ever happened in your h.’s life to cause this “brokenness is not yours to fix or mend. May our Lord guide you into a path of safety and sanity.
I’ve walked in your shoes…. don’t choose to live on false hope. Get help and step out into the light of Christ.
Ephesians 5:11. Do not participate in evil, but rather expose it.
Jesus said turn the other cheek – once. Walk an extra mile – not 20.
You’ve done far more than that. Evil loves the darkness, but it needs to be exposed. This is not the time for empathy. That comes after repentance.
I agree with Leslie – we wish we could control everything, but God gives us free choice. We need to give it to each other, as in, “You can do what you want, but I’m not staying around for it. And when safety for others is in question, the law is there for it. Romans 13 or 14. The unsafe person has forfeited their freedom. Nobody can make or convince him to change, but he must be restrained.
Im sorry, but the church as well as the world has taught that women have so much power over men, and it’s their duty to use it. Nope, we are nobody’s saviour.
First I am so sorry you are experiencing this. You do not deserve to be treated that way. Not at all. Not ever. No one does.
I too had an abusive husband. I stayed for years trying to “fix it”. Empathizing with his pain.
Couple things I learned:
1. He is responsible for himself. Not you.
2. Sometimes the kindest most loving thing we can do for another human is call a spade a spade- tell the truth and leave them to the consequences of their actions. My staying never prompted him to change. My leaving did.
3. You don’t have to decide the fate of the marriage to decide you and your children deserve to be safe. Safety first. Decisions on marriage later.
4. Have a plan. You can do it there are books and hotlines to help. Be safe sister. Likely you’ve been managing his moods for years. You’re smart enough to manage a safe separation.
5. You can love someone and forgive them and they still not be safe or healthy to be with. We are not required to subject ourselves to abuse. Access, relationship, trust,, and reconciliation require more.
You are not alone.
Wishing you wisdom, guidance, discernment, protection, peace and love.
Thank you for addressing this situation. I am a physician, and because I am a woman, many women have felt comfortable sharing with me that they too have experienced violence in their marriages or have witnessed domestic violence within their families.
I separated from my husband because of domestic violence four years ago, and I still have not been able to get divorced. I am now trying for the third time. I have serious health issues as a result of the violence he inflicted on me, but I am still fighting to finally be free of this marriage.
Leaving is hard. And even when women manage to get out, the abuse often doesn’t end. Post-separation abuse is very real, and it can continue for years.
But I have to keep hoping that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. ❤️
I feel that I have a responsibility to wait on him to change. Yet, as I wait, my life is ticking by and I feel I am waiting on potential. I stay confused. What if I wait and his anger still ruins the rest of my life. Ive escaped abusive relationships before. I want real love and honor, not potential.
Joyful, what are you waiting for? God never changes anyone who doesn’t want to change. There is no evidence your husband desires to change.
My husband doesn’t hit me he emotionally drains me. Over 14 years his life has become the way we live. It’s like having a son who a teenager and I’m his mom. There is no intamasy on financial togetherness. We eat separate sleep separate he will drive me to dr offices. I f I try to discuss anything he shuts off then acts as if nothing is wrong and lives his happy life. I’m now 86 and. Unable to to take care of a lot of stuff I used to do. So I get very frustrated. I try to to be a good Christian but it’s just hard