I Want to Quit Couples Therapy
Question: Thank you for your work and ministry. I started the process of therapeutic separation about 1 year ago and just moved back in with my husband. It is now obvious to me he is not interested in any repentance or growth but is happy to blame me for creating all the marriage problems. He is emotionally and verbally abusive as well as alcoholic.
I have been seeing a therapist as well as using a 12 step program.
My question is this… I feel like I want to stay married but just need to detach.
I feel like continuing going to couples therapy is a waste of time and money when my husband is just using what he learns in counseling against me once we are at home… I feel my time and energy is better spent with God, in support groups and bible study … Please share your thoughts…I know I will take the “heat” for “quitting” couples counseling. Thank you.
Answer: I wish I could ask you a whole lot more questions about this. For example, what were the reasons you separated from your spouse and what did you hope would be accomplished by it? Also, what led to your decision to move back in with your husband after a year of separation? I’m curious because you shared that you are in personal therapy as well as in a 12-step program for yourself. I’m assuming that you talked over these decisions with your therapist and with your group.
When did the couples therapy start? Was it during the separation? After you moved back home? Who initiated it? Answers to these would help me to better answer your question but here are a few of my thoughts based on what you’ve told me.
First, I don’t recommend couples therapy when there is addiction and abuse present. So, if couples therapy hasn’t been safe for you and your spouse is using the information you share in therapy against you, bring that up with your couple’s therapist as a reason for terminating the therapy. Therapy cannot progress if someone uses your vulnerability to bully or blame you.