Leslie Vernick
July 19th, 2016                                                                           
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Can I Trust You?

By Leslie Vernick
 

 

Sometimes the burden to trust again has been unfairly placed upon the shoulders of the betrayed person and linked with forgiveness. The thinking goes like this: if you forgive me, then what happened between us is in the past. We don’t need to discuss this anymore and trust should be automatically restored.  

 

But that’s not true. We can genuinely forgive someone and still not trust him (or her). Forgiveness is something we do because God calls us to do it, not necessarily because someone is sorry, repentant, or is genuinely interested in rebuilding trust. However, reconciliation of the relationship, including trusting again, requires forgiveness but not just forgiveness. It also requires the one who broke trust to show genuine repentance as well as make efforts to rebuild broken trust.  

 

Typically we think of broken trust, especially in marriage, only in the sexual realm. However below are three additional areas where trust can be broken and must be rebuilt if a relationship is to be restored. 

 

1.  Authenticity: People immediately mistrust someone who feels false. When you are married to someone, work with someone, or are close to someone who has one persona in public and another in private, you intuitively do not trust him, even when you have no specific reason not to. You don’t trust his public persona (i.e. great guy), because you also bear witness to his or her hypocrisy elsewhere. This person’s core self is not authentic and therefore he cannot or should not be trusted. 

 

To rebuild trust with someone who has been inauthentic requires him or her to acknowledge his or her false image and learn to be more real. In most instances a person who has a double self will not acknowledge it nor do they typically change. When confronted, they just get more devious.   

 

2. Reliability: When we are in relationship with someone, personal or professional, we want to know whether we can count on that person to do what he says he will do. Or, likewise, can I trust that he will stop doing the things that he says he will stop doing?   

In rebuilding broken trust with someone who has a track record of unreliability, we must look at what the person does, not what the person says that he or she will do. For example, does he say he will put filters on his computer but never does? Does she say she will stop drinking, or spending money on the credit card but does nothing? Does he say he wants restoration of the marriage but won’t go to counseling or do any work towards that end? Does she tell you she will make more efforts to call you and reach out to you in order to have a more mutual relationship but her promises don’t turn into real phone calls?  

 

Proverbs 25:19 says, “Putting confidence in an unreliable person in times of trouble is like chewing with a broken tooth or walking on a lame foot.” It’s foolish.

 

John Mark was someone who was not reliable and as a result, lost the apostle Paul’s trust (See Acts 15). Later on we see that trust was restored, not because Paul gave him trust, but because John Mark proved he was reliable and Paul’s trust was restored (2 Timothy 4). In the same way, building consistent reliability into our character rebuilds broken trust, not empty promises.  

 

3. Care: In our closest relationships we ask ourselves: can I trust that you care for my good? My well-being?  When I share my thoughts and feelings do you hear me? Value me? Protect me? Or is there mocking, contempt, avoidance, or indifference? Proverbs 31:11,12 says, “The heart of her husband trusts in her.” Why?  Because, “He trusts her to do him good not harm all the days of his life.”  

 

One of the foundations of relational trust is that love does not intentionally harm the other (Romans 13:10).  And, if in weakness and sin there is harm, every effort is made to make amends and not repeat that harm.  

 

A destructive person does not want to hear the other person’s grievances against him. It’s true; it does hurt our feelings (and pride) to hear how we have hurt someone. It takes effort to listen and care about the other person’s feelings when you have broken her trust. Yet without consistent compassion, empathy, and care for the other, rebuilding trust is not possible. And if we don’t trust that someone cares for our well being, a close relationship with that person is not possible.  

 

Rebuilding broken trust takes time and specific evidence of change, not merely words or promises of change.  

  

 
 
 
What Do I Do When My Spouse Gives Me The Silent Treatment?
 
 
 

Question: What is the proper response to the silent treatment when it has been 10 days and no matter what, you will be blamed? Do you distance yourself or move toward reconciliation?

 

Answer: First, it’s important to distinguish between the silent treatment and a time out. A timeout is a good thing and is taken when a couple is arguing in a non-productive or destructive manner and one or both parties call a timeout in order to calm down, rest, regroup, pray, or do what it takes to come back and talk constructively about the topic or problem.

 

Ideally, a time-out should last no longer than 24 hours and the one who called the time-out initiates the reconnect with the other spouse to say when he or she would be prepared to resume the discussion.

 

The silent treatment is not helpful and is a passive aggressive form of punishment. One person is angry or unhappy with something you have done or not done and instead of talking it through, there is a withdrawal of communication, attention, and care as a means of punishment. I remember one woman I worked with whose spouse did not speak with her for over a year despite her pleas to discuss things.

 

I’m answering this question from a woman who has a husband who gives her the silent treatment, but I’m aware that women can also be guilty of giving their husband’s the silent treatment.

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ARTICLE

Can I Trust You?

 

COACHING 
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WHAT'S NEW? 
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GIVEAWAY
Conquer Conference Tickets
 
LESLIE ANSWERS YOUR QUESTION

What Do I Do When My Spouse Gives Me The Silent Treatment

 
 
COACHING INFORMATION
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Coaching Programs

 
 
GIVEAWAY
Conquer Conference
Tickets

 

 

Leslie is giving away 3 tickets to attend our Conquer Conference - Becoming The Best Possible You Inside and Out.

 

CLICK HERE to make sure you can attend this event in Allentown PA, October 14th and 15th. No other substitutions will be given for this prize.

  
If you would like to enter to win, you can click here to provide your name and email address.
 
Winners of Self - Esteem by Leslie Vernick are  Krystal S., Lizhen H., Kelly O., Erica C. and Rachel C.
 
 
UPCOMING EVENTS
 

August 23rd - 24th, 2016

The Village Church

Dallas, TX

 

September 15th, 2016

The Gatehouse

Dallas, TX

 

September 14th - 17th, 2016

AACC Marriage Conference

Intercontinental Dallas

Dallas, TX

 

October 1st - 2nd, 2016

Bethany Wesleyan Church

Cherryville, PA

 

October 14th - 15, 2016

Becoming the Best Possible

You - Both Inside and Out

Allentown, PA.

CLICK HERE to register.

 

 

 
 
HERE'S WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING ABOUT LESLIE'S COACHING
 

"What adequate words can be said to describe a lifeline being thrown to me in the choppy seas of life as I'm gulping saltwater and going under the waves and ready to drown under the sheer exhaustion of a destructive marriage? Leslie Vernick.  

 

Slowly but steadily reeling me up and out of the fantasy I had spun in my head of wishful thinking to the reality of a solid ship of rescue. Thank you, thank you, thank you!"  

 

Sherrie W in Texas

 

 
 
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