Leslie Vernick
February 16th, 2016                                                                               
What's New?
  • February 16th - Leslie will be featured on New Life Live Radio Show. She will be speaking on The Emotionally Destructive Marriage  and How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong. 
  • February 29th - Leslie will be on Focus On The Family radio broadcast. She will be speaking on Lord I Just Want To Be Happy.
  • Our Walking In CORE Strength class starting soon. CLICK HERE to be the first to be notified. 

 

 
 
 
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Did I Marry The Wrong Person?

By Leslie Vernick
 

Do you ever wonder if you’d be happier married to someone else? Your marriage isn’t a bad marriage nor is it destructive, but sometimes you find yourself bored, or questioning whether you’ve married the wrong person.

 

These thoughts and feelings are not all that uncommon. I’ve talked with many women who do not have a bad marriage but are unhappy with the person they are married to. The love they once felt toward their husband, feels dead. Or, as they look back, they realized that they married their husband for the wrong reasons like wanting to get out of their parents home, or to have children. 

 

If that’s you, what can you do now? You have a choice to make but none of your options may feel very appealing to you right now. One, you can continue to regret your choice, live in “what if” and be unhappy. Sadly, if you continue to do that your marriage will get worse. You cannot change the past. You cannot relive your decision. Living in regret is a waste of time and energy.You did it, it’s done. Move on. Make a different choice.

 

That brings you to your other two choices.

 

You can choose to give up, to end your marriage. I don’t say that lightly, nor do I believe that is the best choice but it is a choice. God allows us free will, even if we choose poorly. But divorce is not an easy decision and is not without serious consequences, relationally, spiritually, emotionally and financially.

 

It’s crucial that you understand that you do have a third choice.

 

A choice that honors God and blesses your children. That choice is learning to love the person you are married to, not the person you wish you were married to or the person you thought you were married to but the person your spouse is. 

  

I have some friends who are in an arranged marriage. When they married they were virtually strangers. But they have learned to love each other. Probably not the Hollywood, romantic version of Valentine love, but a deep trust, a safe harbor type of love which endures over the ups and downs of family life.

 

Below are five things that can help you learn to love the man you’re married to. I call them the five A’s of relationship revival. Acceptance, Attention, Affirmation, Admiration and Affection.

 

1. Acceptance: No one has a perfect marriage or perfect spouse. Learn to be content with the person you married instead of trying to remake him into the person you think he should be.                                                                

Instead of dwelling on what’s wrong with him, start to look for his strengths. Is your husband faithful? Good with the children? Does he provide for your well-being financially? Is he handy with house repairs?

No one gets a full deck when they get married. All of us have strengths and weaknesses and the things that bug us the most after marriage are often the things that we loved the most while dating.

 

For example, I love that my husband enjoys doing things with me and talking, however he doesn’t love garden work like I do. I can dwell on that and quickly forget to give thanks for all the good things he does.

 

2. Attention: Whatever we don’t maintain deteriorates. This is true with our nails, our body, our home, our car and our marriage. Make time for your husband and marriage. Make time to talk, to play, to have romance together. Even if you’re not always in the mood, being intentional about giving attention puts the structure in place to build in the other things in your marriage.

 

3. Affirmation: Remember the things that drew you to him in the first place. Was he a strong leader? Perhaps he was very kind and generous. Funny. A good money manager. Let your mind dwell on those good qualities.When he gets home tell him how much you like those qualities in him.

 

4. Admiration: Affirmation is external, it is something we do. Admiration is more internal. It is something that we feel towards another person. But our feelings are linked to our thoughts and so we must train our mind to give thanks and dwell on our husband’s good points, not his weaknesses. The apostle Paul tells us to think on the positive things in life, not the negative things (Philippians 4:8). Paul is not negating that there are negative things, but if we dwell on them we make ourselves more unhappy. 

 

5. Affection: Every human being needs touch. Put your arm through your husband’s arm during a movie or church service. Hold hands. Rub his back. If you’re wary that you’ll be giving your husband the message you want sex, (and do not) then do it in a more public place or at a time when more romance is not possible. However, good sex is a way to improve marital intimacy. Remember, talk and touch are the primary ways we build intimacy.

 

These five steps won’t cure a marriage that is destructive or abusive. But for those marriages that are running on empty, growing distant, getting boring or your mind is wondering if you’d be happy with someone else, I challenge you to faithfully try these things. Let me know if your feelings toward your husband and your marriage improve. 

 

 
 
 
How Do I Stop Enabling
 
 
Question: My adult daughter has moved back home after making a mess out of her life. I think I’ve enabled her to be too dependent on me and now she is acting like an angry teenager instead of a responsible adult. What can I do to help her?

 

Answer: I hear this so often. Well meaning parents have crippled their children by not teaching them how to stand on their own two feet. My definition of a good parent is that you work yourself out of your job. In other words, your kids don’t need you in order to function anymore. With that said, you can’t change your daughter. But you can identify and own your problem.

 

What is that? You have given too much. You’ve been too nice and that may be one reason she is not taking responsibility for her own life. Unfortunately, this kind of unhealthy relationship fosters a love/hate relationship between you and your child. She loves you and is dependent on you and hates you for always being right and having to “need” you.

 

To change this dynamic, you will need to figure out why you have been overindulgent with your child for so long. Are you afraid to say no? Are you anxious that if she doesn’t need you, she won’t have a relationship with you? Do you pity her and believe she can’t do it without you? This is an important step so that you don’t revert back to rescuing her when things get hard for her.

 

Second, you need to evaluate what is in her best interests. I know you love your child but godly love acts in the beloved’s best interests, not just what feels good. I’m sure you didn’t give your child candy for breakfast, lunch and dinner, even if she screamed for it because you know that wasn’t good for her. It is the same principle here. To change things, you will have to say no to her requests for help, not to be mean, but because it is good for her to learn to figure out some things for herself.

 

 
Connect With Me
 
 
 
IN THIS ISSUE
 
ARTICLE

Did I Marry The Wrong Person?

 

COACHING 
Accepting Coaching Applications
Click here to get started.
 
WHAT'S NEW? 
Take a look at the upcoming events to watch for from Leslie
 
GIVEAWAY
Is That You God?
 
LESLIE ANSWERS YOUR QUESTIONS
How Do I Stop Enabling
 
 
COACHING INFORMATION
For more information on Leslie's coaching program, please click below:

 

Coaching Programs

 
 
GIVEAWAY
Is That You God?
by

Virelle Kidder

 

Donkeys Still Talk.

 

God speaks in tight places and problems even when you aren't listening!

 

God uses the oddest things to grab our full attention. Just ask the Old Testament prophet Balaam--God used a donkey to speak to him! 

 

Our donkeys could be difficult people, overwhelming odds, or interrupted plans. How can we make sure we hear God's voice? 

 

If you would like to enter to win, you can click here to provide your name and email address

.

Winners of Unafraid by Gracie Malone are Kari L. and Kathleen C.

 
 
 
UPCOMING EVENTS
 

April 8th, 2016

Faith Church, Trexlertown.

Foundations Family Conference - Conference Open to the public. CLICK HERE to register

 

April 28th - 29th, 2016

Faith United Methodist Church

More Information To Come

 

 
 
HERE'S WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING ABOUT LESLIE'S COACHING 
 

"I'm able to be more present without feeling anxious, I'm setting better boundaries, I'm communicating more clearly, I'm not procrastinating, especially in the areas of conflict, I'm more organized at home, and I'm just enjoying being alive. Thank you."


 - Susan N. 

 
 
LESLIE WELCOMES YOUR QUESTIONS
 

Leslie wants to help you grow in your personal and relational effectiveness. Please submit your questions by clicking here.


Then, visit Leslie's Blog as she posts her responses to one question per week.


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Leslie Vernick PO Box 5312 Sun City West, Arizona 85376 United States