The Emotionally
Destructive Marriage
Companion Resources & Articles
If you've reached this page, you've purchased or received a copy of The Emotionally Destructive Marriage and seen my invitation to access additional resources. Welcome — I'm so glad you're here.
Below you'll find every article and companion resource referenced throughout the book, organized by chapter and topic. Click "Read Article" to read inline, or download the PDF.
Initiating a Difficult Conversation
How to begin a hard conversation in a destructive relationship
Initiating a Difficult Conversation Read Article Close Download PDF
Sandy was dusting her husband's desk when her eye caught the corner of something stuck underneath. She bent down and what she saw devastated her. There not only was one, but dozens of pornographic DVD's hidden under his desk.
Sandy trembled with rage and fear. She began sobbing. Her entire world crumbled before her eyes and she felt helpless to stop it. She felt like screaming but stopped herself. Then she was tempted to just stuff all the videos back under the desk and pretend she didn't see what she saw. Instead she called me and I was able to see her that day.
Sandy needed to have a very difficult conversation with her husband about his problem. Yet she knew that if she simply blew up, he would get defensive or lie. Pretending everything was fine wouldn't make it so. Sandy knew that she needed to figure out what to say and how to say it so that her words would have maximum impact on him.
Whether we need to confront someone caught in a sin, talk with a wayward child, approach a friend about her drinking problem, or address a co-worker's harmful habit, many of us don't know how to initiate a difficult conversation. When tough problems surface, instead of talking to resolve them we tend to clam up, blow up, or eventually give up.
Here are some steps you can take to make productive conversation more likely.
- Pray. Ask God for courage to speak up, wisdom to know what to say and when, and humility so that you will speak the truth, but with grace and love. James 1 says that if we lack wisdom we can ask God and he will give it to us.
- Prepare. Hard words need not be harsh words. This is too important a conversation to leave to chance or emotions. Take the time to write out what you want to say and rework it until it says exactly what you want it to say.
- Practice. Rehearse out loud what you've prepared. Listening to yourself say what you want to say over and over again will help your emotions calm down and better prepare you to speak calmly but firmly when the time is right. Your words will be better received if you are not overly emotional.
- Plan. Don't initiate a difficult conversation when someone is tired, hungry, or distracted with other things. After all your prayer, preparation, and practice, ask for a time to be set aside to talk where you can ensure the best chance of being heard. Remember Queen Esther — after praying, preparing, and asking the King for an opportunity to talk, she felt it was not the right time. She requested a new time to have her difficult discussion.
Don't forget a conversation is a dialogue, not a monologue. When you're finished, respectfully listen to what the other person has to say back. Extend the benefit of the doubt and when you don't understand, ask questions to clarify.
An Example: What Sandy Said
Sandy prayed, prepared, practiced, and planned a time to confront her husband. She knew that he would listen better after dinner as well as if he did not feel attacked or condemned.
"Tom, I'm very sad and hurt and angry about something and I need you to hear what I have to say. While cleaning your office I found some DVD's hidden under your desk. I was totally unprepared for what I saw and it made me physically ill. It confused me and made me question your integrity as a man and our entire relationship.
I know pornography is a problem for many people today and I am not without my own struggles with sin. I'm not here to throw stones at you but I do think you have a serious problem. It hurts me that you would enjoy these kinds of movies. It hurts you to let your mind and heart feed on such things and it hurts our marriage and family.
Right now my trust has been shattered and I don't know how we can possibly rebuild it. But I'm willing to try and work hard, but only if you are willing to do some serious work to address this addiction."
Sandy and Tom are not out of the woods. This conversation is just the beginning — but you cannot fix something you are not willing to face.
"If another believer is overcome by some sin, you who are godly should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path. And be careful not to fall into the same temptation yourself. Share each other's burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ." (Galatians 6:1,2)
The Necessary Changes if You Want to Stop Destructive Behavior
The Necessary Changes if You Want to Stop Destructive Behavior Read Article Close Download PDF
I'm delighted that you've taken your wife's suggestion and opened this article. What you learn here will help you to become a better husband. Many of us grow up not learning how to have healthy relationships, express our feelings, or resolve conflict. Marriage is hard work, even when you love someone. For your marriage to get back on track, you will need to develop some new attitudes about marriage and women, learn some new skills, and make consistent efforts to rebuild trust.
Sometimes, when we hear feedback that we're not doing well we get defensive and shamed. Instead of listening and learning, we want to strike back at the truth teller and start blaming and accusing them of their faults.
If your wife has told you that she cannot live with your destructive behaviors any longer I know you're hurt and angry. But understand that she is speaking hard truth to help your marriage, not to hurt your ego. It hurts your ego to hear hard truth just like it hurts to get surgery to remove a cancerous tumor — but you accept that it's part of the healing process.
In my experience you will not be able to make all these changes without some outside help and support. It's just too easy to slip back into your old habits. It would greatly bless your wife to know that you are serious about becoming a better man — that you want to grow, to learn to love her and your children in a life-affirming way. Please reach out to your pastor, a Christian counselor or coach who is familiar with these issues, and some godly men who can walk alongside you in this journey.
A Word from One Man's Journey
David sat across from me, silent, as I continued to stare at the keys on the conference table. He had just urged me to use his guest house. Later, David would tell me that I sat staring at the keys for forty-two minutes. Thus began my two weeks out of the house after I had committed an incident of abuse — not the only one in my history, but perhaps the proverbial straw on the camel's back — that left my wife more desperate and fearful than ever before.
Those forty-two minutes, when David sat with me without words, patiently loving me, are perhaps a snapshot in time of how he — and my church — have walked with me and my family over the last several years. David has been both gentle and patient, stern and urgent, as he has alternately encouraged me, admonished me, rebuked me, and exhorted me. Always with Christ's fierce strength, always pointing me back to Christ.
I wish I could say that all this is now history, but it's not. I'm not where I was, but I'm not where I'd like to be. I do know that without David, my extraordinary friend and elder, shepherding me with the authority of my church and walking beside me, we would not be where we are.
This man is not done learning, growing, and changing. Sometimes we can know how something's supposed to be in our head, but we still can't do it. We know we should save more money for retirement, but we always have an excuse. In the same way, we know we shouldn't say everything we feel in a moment of anger, but it still flies out of our mouth when we're ticked off — and then we excuse it because our spouse made us mad.
Do you hear the craziness in that kind of thinking? That somehow someone else is responsible for your emotions and behaviors? When Moses lost his temper at the Israelites, who did God hold accountable? Yes, Moses — even though the Israelites clearly provoked him.
Start with Daily Journaling
Journaling is an important tool to build self-awareness and self-reflection so that you are capable of being self-corrective when your behaviors or attitudes are less than loving. Answer these questions each night, reflecting upon your day:
- How did my body feel today? Tense? Relaxed? Stressed? Tired? Irritable? What are your body's signals that you are getting worked up? Clenched fists? Pain in your neck? Are you able to put into words the sensations you are having in your body?
- How did I treat people, particularly my spouse and children, today? Were you respectful? Loving? Deceitful? Abusive? Sarcastic? Shaming? If you treated someone sinfully, did you take responsibility or blame-shift? Did you apologize and make amends?
- Were your actions today in line with the person you say you want to be? If you've said you want to be a loving husband, did you behave that way? If you want to be a man of integrity, were you honest today? If you want a pure heart, were you lustful today?
- In what non-sexual ways did you show your wife or children that they are important to you? Did you call or text her from work? Stop and pick up something at the grocery store without complaining? Give her a non-sexual hug with no expectations?
Daily asking yourself these four questions will help you start to notice unhealthy patterns and how you become triggered to react in negative ways. Writing your thoughts and feelings out helps you find words to express what's inside and helps you see where your thinking may be unrealistic, entitled, or self-centered.
Try to be compassionate toward yourself when you see you're not there yet. Remind yourself that it's good to see where you still fall short so you don't stop growing and revert back to your old ways.
Additional Resources
Referenced throughout the book. Click "Read Article" to read inline, or download the PDF.
Theresa and Bill's Conversation Revisited (Chapter 3) Read Article Close Download PDF
In chapter three, I said, "In a healthy marriage when a couple faces a conflict of values or priorities, they talk it through, respecting one another's perspective."
Here's an example of how Teresa and Bill's conversation might have gone if they had a healthier marriage.
"Hi Denise, Oh wow, that is stressful. Sure, I'd love to help you but can I get back to you in a few minutes?"
Teresa hangs up the phone and turns to her husband Bill.
"Bill, Denise is having a terrible problem opening a document she needs for work. It can't wait and she really needs my help. I know you prefer that I not talk on the phone when you're home, but it's an emergency and I want to help her get this document open."
Bill frowns. "I know you want to help your sister, but I was hoping we could spend this evening together uninterrupted."
Teresa said, "Bill, I don't think this will take too long, but I would really appreciate your understanding here. We can have the rest of the evening together."
"I hear you. It's fine."
As Teresa talked with her sister, Bill chose not to brood over Teresa's decision to put her sister's needs ahead of him. Instead Bill reminded himself that Teresa is a loving person who enjoys helping others — but that doesn't mean she doesn't love or care for him.
When she got off the phone, Teresa thanked Bill for understanding (not permission) and then shut off her phone, respecting Bill's desire to have the rest of the evening together uninterrupted.
A healthy couple negotiates compromises, sacrifices, and mutually submits for the welfare of their relationship and the love of one another. Force should not be used to make the other person give in. When it happens as a part of their relationship it is abusive and destructive.
Five Indicators of an Evil and Wicked Heart Read Article Close Download PDF
As Christian counselors, pastors, and people helpers we often have a hard time discerning between an evil heart and an ordinary sinner who messes up, who isn't perfect, and is full of weakness and sin.
I think one of the reasons we don't "see" evil is because we find it so difficult to believe that evil individuals actually exist. We can't imagine someone deceiving us with no conscience, hurting others with no remorse, spinning outrageous fabrications to ruin someone's reputation, or pretending to be spiritually committed yet having no fear of God.
The Bible clearly tells us that among God's people there are wolves that wear sheep's clothing (Jeremiah 23:14; Titus 1:10; Revelations 2:2). It's true that every human heart is inclined toward sin, and that includes evil (Genesis 8:21; James 1:4). We all miss God's mark of moral perfection. However, most ordinary sinners do not happily indulge evil urges, nor do we feel good about having them. We feel ashamed and guilty, rightly so (Romans 7:19-21). These things are not true of the evil heart.
Below are five indicators that you may be dealing with an evil heart rather than an ordinary sinful heart. If so, it requires a radically different treatment approach.
- Evil hearts are experts at creating confusion and contention. They twist the facts, mislead, lie, avoid taking responsibility, deny reality, make up stories, and withhold information. (Exodus 2:1; Psalms 5:8; 10:7; 58:3; 109:2-5; 140:2; Proverbs 6:13,14; 6:18,19; 12:13; 16:20; 16:27,28; 30:14)
- Evil hearts are experts at fooling others with their smooth speech and flattering words. But if you look at the fruit of their lives or the follow through of their words, you will find no real evidence of godly growth or change. It's all smoke and mirrors. (Psalm 50:19; 52:2,3; 57:4; 59:7; 101:7; Proverbs 12:5; 26:23-26; 26:28)
- Evil hearts crave and demand control and their highest authority is their own self-reference. They reject feedback, real accountability, and make up their own rules to live by. They use Scripture to their own advantage but ignore and reject passages that might require self-correction and repentance. (Romans 2:8; Psalms 10; 36:1-4; 50:16-22; Proverbs 21:24)
- Evil hearts play on the sympathies of good-willed people, often trumping the grace card. They demand mercy but give none themselves. They demand warmth, forgiveness, and intimacy from those they have harmed with no empathy for the pain they have caused and no real intention of making amends or working hard to rebuild broken trust. (Proverbs 21:10; 1 Peter 2:16; Jude 1:4)
- Evil hearts have no conscience, no remorse. They do not struggle against sin or evil; they delight in it, all the while masquerading as someone of noble character. (Proverbs 2:14-15; 10:23; 12:10; 21:27,29; Isaiah 32:6; Romans 1:30; 2 Corinthians 11:13-15)
What This Means for Counselors and Helpers
If you are working with someone who exhibits these characteristics it's important that you confront them head on. You must name evil for what it is. The longer you try to reason with them or show mercy toward them, the more you as the Christian counselor will become a pawn in their game.
They want you to believe that their horrible actions should have no serious or painful consequences. When they say "I'm sorry," they look to you as the pastor or Christian counselor to be their advocate for amnesty with the person they have harmed. They believe grace means they are immediately granted immunity from the relational fallout of their serious sin.
The Bible warns us: "But when grace is shown to the wicked, they do not learn righteousness; even in a land of uprightness they go on doing evil and do not regard the majesty of the Lord." (Isaiah 26:10)
They also want you to believe that if they talk like a gospel-believing Christian they are one, even if their actions don't line up with their talk. Remember, Satan masquerades as an angel of light (2 Corinthians 11:13-15). John the Baptist said it best when he admonished the religious leaders: "Prove by the way you live that you have repented of your sins and turned to God." (Luke 3:8)
Part of our maturity as spiritual leaders is that we are to be trained to discern between good and evil. It's important because evil usually pretends to be good and without godly discernment we can be easily fooled (Hebrews 5:14).
Daniel says, "the wicked will continue to be wicked" (Daniel 12:10) — which begs the question: do you think an evil person can really change?
How and When is an Abused Spouse Called to Suffer? Read Article Close Download PDF
One of my coaching clients shared that her counselor told her that her role as a godly wife was to submit to her husband's abuse and quietly suffer for Jesus. She was told that setting boundaries was unbiblical and asking her spouse to change specific behaviors was demanding. Is that true?
Does scripture encourage a spouse to patiently and quietly endure harsh and abusive treatment within her or his marriage?
The passage most often used to support this thinking is found in 1 Peter 2:13-3:22, where Peter writes to believers who face mistreatment for their faith. The entire book of 1 Peter has to do with suffering, but I want to focus on a few key points to help us understand what Peter is actually teaching.
First: How to Handle Ourselves Around Abusive People
Peter is clear that believers should be respectful of others regardless of how we are treated. Often in destructive marriages a spouse who is regularly verbally battered or emotionally neglected starts to lob some verbal bombs of her own. Instead of learning to handle such mistreatment in a way that honors God, she dishonors herself, her husband, and God by her building resentment.
The psalmist talks about his struggle with keeping quiet in Psalm 39: "I will watch what I do and not sin in what I say. I will hold my tongue when the ungodly are around me. But as I stood there in silence — not even speaking of good things — the turmoil within me grew worse. The more I thought about it, the hotter I got, igniting a fire of words." Not using our words to hurt others once they have hurt us may indeed cause some internal suffering. But when we choose this path, Peter tells us God is honored.
Second: When We Should Endure Abusive Treatment
Peter writes, "For what credit is it if, when you sin and are beaten for it, you endure? But if when you do good and suffer for it you endure, this is a gracious thing in the sight of God."
The "good" Peter is talking about here is a moral good — doing the right thing. Although Peter advises us to submit to authority, Peter himself was flogged after he refused to stop preaching about Christ even though he'd been ordered to stop. He refused to submit because in doing so, he would have had to stop doing good.
In the same way, when a wife refuses to submit to her husband's sinful behavior, or stands up for her children who are being mistreated, or refuses to sign a dishonest tax report, or calls 911 when her husband is threatening to harm her or himself — she is doing good even if it doesn't feel good to her spouse. Her behavior honors God, protects her children, and does what is in the best interest of her spouse. It is never in someone's best interests to enable sin to flourish.
Third: The Difference Between Suffering and Passivity
Peter reminds wives that their unbelieving husbands who refuse to obey God's word can be won by their respectful and pure conduct. But we must keep in mind that a wife's godly actions may include implementing tough consequences for repetitive and unrepentant sin, in the hopes that those actions influence her husband to look at his destructive behaviors, repent, and come to Christ.
When we counsel a wife that God calls her to provide all the benefits of a good marriage regardless of how her husband treats her, we're asking her to lie and pretend. This reinforces the abusive person's delusions that he can do as he pleases with no consequences.
Hear me: marriage does not give someone a "get out of jail free" card that entitles one to lie, mistreat, ignore, be cruel, or crush his spouse's spirit with no consequences. To believe otherwise is to not know the heart or wisdom of God.
Peter concludes his teaching about suffering with these words: "Let those who suffer according to God's will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good." (1 Peter 4:19 ESV)
If you are a suffering spouse — if you're going to suffer, suffer for doing good rather than suffer for staying passive or pretending. There is a huge difference between the two.
Does God Care More about Sex than Love? Read Article Close Download PDF
As a biblical counselor, how would you respond to a client who says: "I've been married for 25 years to an emotionally and verbally abusive man. He regularly curses at me, calls me degrading sexual names, refuses to have a normal conversation with me and mocks me in front of our children. He will not see a counselor or talk with our pastor. I don't want a divorce but I'm tired of trying to make this better. He still expects me to be loving and affectionate with him, especially in bed. I can't do it. What does God expect me to do?"
One of the most standard answers women hear from biblical counselors on this topic is that God's word is clear: she may not withhold herself sexually from her husband, no matter how he treats her, citing 1 Corinthians 7.
But what are we saying to a hurting woman by this counsel? Are we saying that her husband's sexual needs are more important to God than her emotional well-being? Are we telling her that God calls her to meet her husband's sexual needs regardless of the damage he's done to her spirit or their relationship? Are we telling her she never has a choice?
That is a horrible picture of God, and it is not who He is. God cares equally for both individuals in a marriage and for the relationship itself.
What Does God Say about Marriage?
Marriage was not designed by God as a legitimate way for a man to get sex, but rather a loving partnership between a man and a woman. Tim Keller writes, "The Christian teaching [on marriage] does not offer a choice between fulfillment and sacrifice but rather mutual fulfillment through mutual sacrifice."
The important word here is mutual. When one person in a marriage is not sacrificing or loving or caring, a biblical marriage is not happening. The scriptures teach, "Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church" (Ephesians 5:25) and are instructed not to be harsh with them (Colossians 3:19).
Granted, no husband is perfect, but when there is repeated emotional and verbal harshness and cruelty with no evidence of repentance, remorse, personal responsibility, or change, the marriage relationship as God designed it is clearly broken.
What Should a Wife's Biblical Response Be?
God's word clearly tells us not to retaliate when we are sinned against. Instead we are to overcome evil with good (Romans 12:21). One part of helping this wife overcome her husband's evil with good is to help her forgive her husband and deal with her anger and bitterness toward him.
But here is where we must be exceptionally wise. When we help her forgive and let go of her bitterness (which are good goals), if he continues to treat her as he always has, it would be reasonable for her to continue to be wary of him and unable to feel wifely affection or sexual attraction toward him.
Often when counseling a woman in this kind of dilemma, I find she has lost sight of her God-designated role as her husband's help mate. As his partner, she can love him by helping him become the man God designed him to be. As his wife she is not a second-class citizen with no power or say.
In cases where repeated abuse is present, it is always in her husband's best interest for him to repent of his selfishness and pride, and to submit to God (James 4:7). When we tell a woman that no matter how her husband treats her God says she must have sex with him, what we're saying is that God cares more about the fact that her husband is sexually hungry than the fact that he is hurting her and their marriage. And that's not biblical.
A New Paradigm
Let's help this wife learn to speak up to her husband lovingly but firmly and say:
"No, I can't have sex with you in a godly way because of the way you treat me. I can't feel affectionate toward you when I feel afraid. When you curse at me, scream at me, and call me horrible names it breaks my heart. I am God's image bearer, not an object to be used for sex and then discarded when you're finished. With God's help I choose to forgive you but I can't reconcile with you in a loving relationship until you begin to see the damage you're doing to me and to our marriage and change."
Words of truth spoken in love and humility are the potent medicine her husband needs to wake up to the fact that he can't expect the perks of a good marriage without changing his ways. The scriptures are full of examples of God's law of consequences: "What you sow, you reap." (Galatians 6:7)
Overcoming evil with good empowers this woman to take constructive action that may lead to the restoration of their marital relationship. That would be good for him, good for her, and good for their family.
Dating Violence Read Article Close Download PDF
- 40% of girls age 14 to 17 report knowing someone their age who has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend.
- Nearly 1 in 5 teenage girls who have been in a relationship said a boyfriend had threatened violence or self-harm if the couple were to break up.
- 1 in 3 teenage girls has feared for her safety in a dating relationship.
It's important that parents as well as teenagers understand what a healthy relationship looks like and be able to identify the first signs that a dating relationship may be unhealthy and potentially abusive.
People usually put their best foot forward in dating relationships. However, there are three essential ingredients for any relationship to flourish: mutuality, reciprocity, and freedom. Often a young girl is totally swept off her feet by an intense young man's obsessive love for her. It feels intoxicating — but over time it can feel smothering and can become abusive.
It's important to teach your daughter how to say "no" early in a dating relationship. When she says "No, I can't talk on the phone right now, I have a test to study for," his response will help her see how she is respected and cared for. Is there respect? Does he care about what's important to her or is their relationship all about making him happy?
Warning Signs in a Boyfriend
- His description of his parents' — especially his father's — rejecting or shaming behavior.
- His recollections of physical assault directed at him or at his mother.
- His personality indicators such as frequent anger and jealousy or an intense fear of abandonment.
- His trauma symptoms, such as constant sleep disturbances and nightmares, memory losses, panic attacks, crying, and depression.
- His alcohol or drug abuse to numb himself to his internal pain.
- His blaming orientation. Does he hold her responsible for his actions or feelings? Does he insist that everything is always her fault?
- His cyclical mood swings — a theme of her being all good or all bad, wonderful or terrible.
Questions to Ask if You Suspect Abuse
- Does he seem like two people, showing one face to his friends and the public and another in private?
- Does he go through a cycle of buildup, explosion, and contrition?
- Has he been violent with you? Have these been isolated events or does his abusiveness occur for no apparent reason?
- Is his physical attack accompanied by verbal assaults such as name-calling or swearing?
- Have you ever missed school or work from the effects of abuse?
- Have you ever used makeup or dark glasses to hide bruises, or made excuses to a doctor for injuries sustained during an attack?
If she's answered yes to any of these questions, she may need some professional help to break free from the abuse. Don't ignore these warning signs. Your daughter is at risk and she needs your help.
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233
- faithtrustinstitute.org
- focusministries1.org
- peaceandsafety.com
Are You in a Healthy Dating Relationship? Read Article Close Download PDF
Linda glanced at the caller ID. John was calling her again. This was the 3rd time tonight and Linda felt flattered. "He must really like me," Linda mused as she answered John's call.
John was Linda's new beau. They had been dating for four months when she began to wonder if John might be "the one." During one of her counseling sessions, Linda shared her feelings about John. "He's wonderful," she gushed. "He's so attentive and nice. Yet something bothers me a little."
"Sometimes I just need time to be alone," Linda said. "I like my space and I like doing things with my friends, but John gets hurt and feels I'm being selfish. He says if we're going to make this relationship work, he should be my number one priority. If I really cared about him, John said I should want to spend all my free time with him. Am I just being selfish?"
It was good that she listened to herself. I find that many singles don't pay enough attention to the early warning signs of a potentially destructive relationship. After marriage, hindsight is often 20/20. But what are some of the clues we can watch for early in our relationships?
Four Essential Ingredients of a Healthy Relationship
There are four essential ingredients that must be present in order to have a healthy relationship with someone. When any one of them is missing or not practiced mutually, the relationship becomes unhealthy and may turn destructive. They are:
- Caring
- Honesty
- Respect
- Repentance
As Linda and I looked at how these elements were demonstrated over time in her relationship with John, it became obvious that at least three out of four were consistently shaky. John obviously cared for Linda — but if we examine his caring closely, we see that he really wasn't caring about Linda much at all. What John was caring about was John. He wanted Linda's time and attention and showed signs of not caring about her feelings when she expressed a desire to be with other friends or to be alone.
He also wasn't respecting her boundaries or her needs. Instead he was accusing her of being selfish when she honestly expressed her feelings and needs. When she asked him to care about what she wanted, he said his feelings and needs should always come first.
What to Do When You See Unhealthy Patterns
When Linda's eyes opened and she saw these unhealthy patterns in her relationship with John, she became distraught. "I really like him," she cried. "What should I do now?"
I encouraged her to have an honest conversation with him. The Bible tells us that we all stumble in many ways (James 3:2). Therefore we will never find a perfect person. Yet the difference between a broken healthy person and a broken unhealthy person is the willingness to see your own hurtful patterns and take personal responsibility to change them.
When dating, practice honesty early. Don't pretend things don't bother you when they do or try to make yourself into the person that you think the other wants you to be. Be yourself and be open to seeing areas in your life that need to change.
However, when you consistently experience a lack of caring, a lack of respect, or a lack of honesty — be aware and be alarmed. This is not a healthy relationship. Stop it before it becomes destructive.
Men are Victims of Emotionally Destructive Marriages Too Read Article Close Download PDF
Men can also be in destructive marriages and victims of domestic violence. Recently I received a letter from a man who wanted to share his story.
Men who are victims of domestic violence have no place to turn. They can be hit, abused, bullied and terrorized by their wives and the only way they can hope to have contact with their children is if they continue to allow themselves to be victimized.
My experience has been that doors of help close for men. Social services make excuse after excuse for a woman's abusive behavior and scorn the man for taking photos or videos during her perpetration. The man must be ultra perfect, and if he ever does wrong, he goes to jail. If she does wrong, she needs more compassion, more money, more help.
My experience has been that very few church leaders have the courage to look a woman in the eye and confront her about her abusive behavior. Church leaders, therapists, and other professionals often migrate to the "most reasonable" partner — and the partner willing to make changes is the one who changes and changes and changes, only to be hit, raged at, and made out to be a monster.
Please don't forget, men are victims of domestic violence too.
The church has often closed her eyes to victims of domestic abuse, but for men there is more sad news:
- The Family Violence survey as well as numerous other studies have found that men are just as likely to be the victims of domestic violence as women are.
- Men indeed have fewer resources to help them. The only national toll-free helpline for men is the Domestic Abuse Helpline (888-743-5754). There are very few shelters (out of 1,200-1,800 DV shelters) that offer services to men.
- Men are less likely to be supported or validated. Men who report abuse are often seen as wimpy, frail, passive, or stupid, making it much more likely that they won't report.
- Society doesn't deem men as "victims" and we tend to perceive women as more vulnerable than men, therefore abuse by a woman toward a man may seem more justified or excusable. A recent study revealed that more than 51% of men and 52% of women felt that sometimes it was appropriate for a wife to slap her husband — compared to only 26% of men and 21% of women who felt it was ever appropriate for a husband to slap his wife.
- A man calling the police to report domestic abuse is three times more likely to be arrested than the woman who is abusing him. This makes him afraid to report, thus making the statistics for abuse of men higher than we know.
- When a woman is abusive, she is more likely to be seen as "sick." When a man is abusive, he is more likely to be labeled with entitlement issues, power and control problems, or character defects. Compassion is directed toward the female victim, not the male offender.
Domestic violence isn't a woman's problem or a man's problem — it is a human problem, a sin problem, and a tragedy. Why haven't Christian leaders taken a more proactive role in helping both men and women address and heal the violence in their heart and home?
Please know, God gives wisdom for both the victim and abuser to heal and to change so that generational patterns can be broken. But that will only happen as they find support and encouragement to speak up and speak out about this so that they can receive the help they and their loved ones desperately need.
Let's make sure that we as their pastors, counselors, and spiritual friends have eyes to see and ears to hear.
Guidelines for Biblical Separation
Scripture that Supports Separation from a Destructive Spouse Read Article Close Download PDF
The Scripture most people use to support some grounds for Biblical separation is 1 Corinthians 7:10, where Paul writes: "To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): The wife should not separate from her husband (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife."
When one spouse Biblically separates from his or her spouse it is usually for one or two primary reasons:
- The spouse who chooses to separate does so for the purpose of waking her unrepentant destructive spouse up to the destructiveness of his ways. In most cases, she has already had numerous conversations about his actions and attitudes, with little change to their relationship. Separation is the only consequence she knows that has the power to send the message: "I will not pretend that we can have a good, safe, or healthy marriage when you continue to ___________."
- The spouse may decide separation is necessary because continuing to live in the home with her destructive spouse is unsafe and is taking a serious toll on her (and/or her children's) physical, emotional, mental, financial, relational, and spiritual health. God values the sanctity of marriage, but not more than the safety and sanity of the individuals in it.
Scripture Supporting Consequences for Serious Sin
- 1 Corinthians 5:9 — "I wrote you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people... But now I am writing to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of brother if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed, or is an idolater, reviler, drunkard, or swindler... Purge the evil person from among you."
- James 5:19 — "If anyone among you wanders from the truth, and someone turns him back, let him know that he who turns a sinner from the error of his way will save a soul from death."
- Proverbs 19:19 — "A man of great wrath will suffer punishment; for if you rescue him, you will have to do it again." Consequences are the best teacher.
- Proverbs 29:1 — "He who is often reproved, yet stiffens his neck, will suddenly be broken beyond healing."
- Galatians 6:7 — "Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap."
- Ephesians 5:11 — "Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them."
Scripture Supporting Safety
- 1 Samuel 18-31 — When David feared for his life because of King Saul's jealous rages, God didn't instruct David to "submit to the King and trust me." Instead, David fled, always respecting the position of King Saul, but not allowing himself to be abused by him.
- Matthew 2:13-15 — When King Herod sought to exterminate all the Jewish babies, God told Joseph in a dream to flee to Egypt until it was safe to return.
- Proverbs 27:12 — "The prudent see danger and take refuge."
- Psalm 120:1,2 — "I took my troubles to the Lord; I cried out to him, and he answered my prayer. Rescue me, O Lord, from liars and from all deceitful people."
Scripture Supporting Sanity
People influence and impact us, both for good and for evil. When we live with an abusive, destructive, manipulative, deceitful person, it takes a serious toll on our mental, spiritual, emotional, and physical health. Often separation is not only good, it's necessary.
- Proverbs 4:14,15 — "Do not enter the path of the wicked, and do not walk in the way of the evil. Avoid it; do not go on it; turn away from it."
- Proverbs 14:7 — "Go from the presence of a foolish man, when you do not perceive in him the lips of knowledge."
- Proverbs 22:10 — "Drive out a scoffer and strife will go out and quarreling and abuse will cease."
- 1 Corinthians 15:33 — "Do not be deceived: Bad company ruins good morals."
- 2 Timothy 3:1-5 — "For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive... having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people."
- Titus 3:10 — "As for the person who stirs up division, after warning him once and then twice, have nothing more to do with him."
On Reconciliation
A spouse may choose to stay separated from a destructive spouse when she sees no evidence of genuine change (in heart or in habit) despite the offender's pleas to the contrary. John the Baptist said it best: "Prove by the way that you live that you have repented of your sins and turned to God." (Luke 3:8)
Genesis 42-46 shows us that Joseph forgave his brothers before they ever came to Egypt seeking food. He was kind to them in meeting some of their needs, but he did not trust them nor did he reconcile with them until he tested their hearts to see if they had truly changed.
Is Emotional Abuse Grounds for Biblical Separation? Read Article Close Download PDF
People like to categorize things in black and white, right and wrong, good and bad, and biblical and unbiblical, but I think some things aren't always so clear. James 3:2 tells us that we all stumble in many ways. There is no perfect marriage or perfect spouse. All marriages will experience hurt and heartache. But there are marriages that are more than disappointing or difficult — they are damaging and destructive.
Among conservative Christians there seems to be some allowance for separation if a husband is beating his wife with his fists or she fears for her safety, but consistently little support if her husband is crushing her spirit or twisting her thinking with his words. One woman recently wrote me and said, "My pastor said emotional abuse is too fuzzy to allow for separation. Physical abuse would be clear, but emotional abuse isn't."
Yet, God's word clearly has much to say in support of victims of verbal and emotional cruelty. Research on those who have suffered with chronic emotional abuse shows that it can be far more harmful to their long-term health than physical abuse can be. In a 2011 study funded by the National Institute of Mental Health and by the National Institute on Drug Abuse, researchers found that our brain processes physical pain and intense social rejection in exactly the same way. The primary difference is that physical injuries usually heal. Wounds to one's soul and spirit are longer lasting and often more damaging.
Therefore, why would we advise a woman or man who is being emotionally abused that he or she must stay in their marriage because being pummeled by words is not serious enough to justify a biblical separation? If this same person were being regularly pummeled by fists, most pastors and church leaders would not only allow for biblical separation, they'd advise it.
"Reckless words pierce like a sword" (Proverbs 12:18) and "Who can bear a crushed spirit?" (Proverbs 18:14). When someone is stabbed with a sword or knife, it leads to grave and often fatal injuries. The Bible says the impact of reckless words is like being stabbed and is just as injurious as physical abuse. Proverbs warns, "Life and death are in the power of the tongue." (Proverbs 18:21)
When Is the Line Crossed?
We all do hurtful things at times. When are emotionally abusive behaviors biblical grounds for separation or even divorce? Most people would support chronic infidelity as biblical grounds for divorce, yet not all marriages that suffer infidelity should end in divorce. When there has been repentance sought and forgiveness granted, I have seen marriages healed and restored. Just because one has biblical grounds does not mean one should pursue separation or divorce.
Every person's story is unique. Each person who has been grievously sinned against will need to wrestle with whether their spouse is repentant as well as the impact the abuse is having on his or her body, soul and spirit as well as on their children.
Two Crucial Questions to Ask God
Therefore as Christians, let's not be too quick to judge those who have had enough. Instead, let's pray for them and encourage them to ask God two crucial questions:
- Is it best for me and my children to leave or to stay? God calls us to be good stewards of our physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, sexual, and financial health. Evaluating what toll staying in this marriage is taking on you and your children is a legitimate concern. Sometimes staying at all costs is too high a price to pay.
- Is it best for my unrepentant spouse for me to leave or to stay? What is his or her greatest need right now and how can I meet it? Is it best for him to remain blind to his sin, unrepentant and unwilling to repair the damage he's done? Or is it more loving to leave — letting him or her know that you will no longer keep secrets or enable his sin against you to continue without consequence?
Oswald Chambers writes: "To choose to suffer means there is something wrong; to choose God's will even if it means suffering is a very different thing. No healthy saint ever chooses suffering; he chooses God's will, as Jesus did, whether it means suffering or not."
Know this: whether you stay, whether you separate, or whether you divorce, there will be more suffering and grief ahead for you. Your decision will bring challenges and criticism from those who think you are making the wrong choice. Knowing that these stumbling blocks and stepping stones are ahead of you will keep your eyes open so that you can be more vigilant over your heart and mind.
Friend, choose God, not suffering, and you can be confident that he will instruct you and counsel you in the way you should go. (Psalm 32:8)
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Leslie Vernick, DCSW, LCSW
Enriching the Relationships that Matter Most