Good morning friends,
Thanks for all your prayers. I am back home safe and sound. We drove five days cross country with our dog, Gracie, but she was great through it all. It’s weird, but it already feels like a long time ago. I miss the grandchildren and the warm weather, but I am excited to be offering some new things in the next few months.
First, I’m going to be doing a two-session class on the topic of Getting Rid of Your Negative Emotions Faster. If you have problems with letting go of anger, hurt, impatience, resentment, and anxiety, you will want to be a part of this class. Click here to be the first to receive details on this exciting class.
I will be doing a free webinar on The Emotionally Destructive Relationship: Seeing it! Stopping It! Surviving it! Details coming soon.
Let me ask you a question. Do you have people in your life who will tell you the truth? I do and am thankful for that. Remember the childhood story, The Emperor’s New Clothes?No one had the courage to honestly tell the king that he was naked. What happens in our lives if we have no one who will honestly speak the truth? Everyone of us can become hardened and blind to the deceitfulness of sin (Hebrews 3:13).
Friends, we are not only called to be truth seekers but truth tellers. We do our friends or spouses no favors when we collude with their self-deception that all is well when they are walking around naked and deceived. The Bible tells us faithful are the wounds of a friend (Proverbs 27:6). Yes the truth may hurt, but it also heals. Remember in last week’s blog I said in order to get healthy we have to stop pretending and learn to walk in the truth.
This week’s question: My husband has had two affairs, he throws things when he’s angry, abandons me for days at a time after an argument and now has just completely detached himself from our family. He also lies about his whereabouts. I want to be the wife God has called me to but I can’t continue this way. My husband always says he is sorry and will change but these behaviors continue to resurface. Please help.
Answer: I think the first question you must settle is what kind of wife do you think God wants you to be for your husband? Is it a wife that allows herself to be abused, abandoned, lied to, and cheated on with no consequences?
You say I can’t continue this way. I don’t blame you. No one would want to be married this way. But I think your dilemma is that although you can, with God’s help, be the wife that God wants you to be, that doesn’t guarantee that your husband will become the husband God wants him to be or that you want him to be.
But the question remains, what kind of wife do you think God wants you to be here? Do you think he wants you to be passive and continue to live with a man who lies to you, cheats on you, leaves you and scares you when he’s angry? Or, might God be calling you to love your husband in such a courageous way that you boldly confront his sinfulness, refuse to accept his excuses, and if he wants to remain married to you, require him to show that he’s repentant and truly wants to change. His words are meaningless. He repeatedly lies. If he wants to be married, it’s time that he take specific and consistent actions steps that demonstrate that he’s serious and willing to work hard to change.
What might that look like? For starters he needs to get some accountability partners that will help him stay honest, engaged, and sexually faithful. He needs a plan to help him learn how to manage his emotions when he’s angry or hurt so he doesn’t get destructive, deceitful, or disengage for long periods of time. Obviously he hasn’t been able to change these habits by himself so he will need to get professional or competent pastoral help to learn how to deal with his emotions and understand why he does the things he does. These changes do not happen quickly or painlessly, but with God’s help, are possible for the person who is committed and teachable.
I think you fear that if you hold your husband to these necessary changes and he refuses, then what? I’m going to tell you the unvarnished truth. Your relationship is broken. You may stay legally married, you may even still live together but you cannot have a good marriage if your husband will not change.
Here me. You can make a bad marriage better all by yourself (by not retaliating or repaying evil for evil), but you cannot make a bad marriage a good marriage all by yourself no matter how good a wife you are. (tweet this)
We only have to read through the book of Jeremiah to see how God longed for Israel to repent, to come to her senses and change, but she would not. God loved Israel, but He could not and would not have a close and intimate relationship with her until she was willing to change her sinful, adulterous, deceitful ways.
God knows what you’re going through. Let him empower you to be the wife he wants you to be and the wife your husband most desperately needs, which might be totally different than you think. You don’t have to live this way anymore.
Friend, in what ways has God helped you be the wife He wanted you to be?