Is He Changing, or Just Pretending?
How to tell if his change is real, and what the Bible says about your next step.
There’s one question I hear more than any other.
“How long, Leslie? How long do I keep trying to make this marriage work? I’m exhausted. I’m depressed. I’m angry.”
And right behind it comes the next one: “How do I know if the changes he says he’s making are real?”
If you’ve asked either one out loud, or only in your own head at two in the morning, this hour is for you.
Come get clear on what you’re actually looking at.
He’s apologized before. Maybe he’s said he’ll get counseling. Maybe things really have been calmer for a few weeks, and you can’t tell if you’re seeing genuine repentance or just another good stretch.
In one live hour, Leslie walks through what real change looks like, how pretending can mimic it, and how to tell the difference for yourself.
What clarity has done for women like you
Conquer really helped me as I have been separated from my husband. I have struggled with guilt that I couldn’t work on my issues very well while living with him, but I realized that sometimes we have to step away to see the picture clearer. I am seeing myself clearer and what I need to work on. Thanks for the teaching.”
Today things have hit me differently. I am gaining clarity. My old thoughts before Conquer would be of guilt, taking the blame, making excuses for his behavior. I would pretend everything is normal while knowing that this little piece of me died inside again. But not today. Today I was able to take thoughts captive and fight back with the truth. I know God sees me and loves me.”
Before joining Conquer, I was so isolated, I thought my situation was an anomaly. Now I know many women who are working through the same difficult and confusing thoughts and feelings I have been. I am not alone. My experience has been truly validated for the first time through Conquer.”
These women are part of Leslie’s Conquer community. The clarity they describe is exactly what this free hour is built to start.
In 60 minutes, live, you’ll discover:
The signs of genuine repentance, and the signs of charm and lip service.
Leslie shows you what a man actually does when he’s changing, and the behaviors that look like change from a distance but fall apart up close.
The one word you’ll use again and again to find out whether his change is real.
One word. She shows you how to use it, what his response tells you, and why your ability to say it is the clearest test either of you has.
How to start your own healing and growth, even if he never changes.
This is the part Leslie cares about most. God cares about you personally, and about the woman you’re becoming, regardless of what your husband decides to do.
You can’t control his thoughts, his choices, or whether he changes. You can only control you.
What real change looks like vs. what pretending looks like.
Leslie takes you through both sides so you can see each of them clearly.
Real change has a look to it. He owns what he’s done, with no more blame-shifting. He wants to become a better man for himself, and he can name the specific changes he needs to make without your help. Then he does the work.
Pretending has a look too. He wants you to define his problems, find his counselor, and hand him a checklist for you to trust him again. He manages his image instead of doing the harder work on his character. He bristles when you give honest feedback, and he won’t take your no.
That’s a start. In the hour, Leslie gives you the five questions to ask him and what his answers tell you, shows you how trust and safety actually rebuild, which is slowly, and walks you through what to do if you’re still not sure he’s safe, plus how to keep growing and stay safe while you wait to find out.
Healthy people live in truth. “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:32)
This hour is for you if:
He’s apologized before, and you wonder if this time is really different.
You’ve heard promises before, and you’re waiting to see if his actions match his words.
You’re not sure if you’re seeing real change or just another good stretch.
You’re tired of second-guessing yourself, and you want to see clearly what’s actually happening in your relationship.
You want to become stronger, wiser and more grounded in Christ, whether he changes or not.
You’re a Christian woman who wants biblically grounded wisdom to help you discern.
Come before you’ve decided anything. Seeing clearly comes first.
Leslie stays on after the teaching for a live Q&A with one of our coaches, and that’s often where the real work happens. Women ask the questions they’ve never been able to say out loud anywhere else. The chat is private, and nothing said in it is published or shared. Questions come in writing, so no one has to speak.
Stay to the end and you’ll also get the completely filled-in workshop handout.
Leslie teaches this live workshop once a year.
Can’t make it live? Register anyway. A shortened replay goes to everyone who signs up, and it stays available for 72 hours. Conquer members also get it in the members’ area, so it’s there whenever you want to come back to it.
Note: the shortened replay doesn’t include the Q&A.
Leslie Vernick
Leslie is author of the bestselling book, The Emotionally Destructive Marriage. She spent 45 years as a licensed clinical social worker with her own private counseling practice. She’s sat with Christian women in exactly the spot you’re in now, and she’s watched closely enough to know real change when she sees it, and to spot the performance of it.
She holds a high view of marriage and a high view of Scripture. She believes God made us for safe, trusting relationships, and she wants you to understand what God actually says about marriage, about change, and about your next step.
- Relationship coach
- Author of 7 books
- Helped create and teach churchcares.com
- Former Licensed clinical social worker, 45 years
- 2016 AACC Caregivers Award
- Featured on Focus on the Family, FamilyLife Today, Moody Radio, and DivorceCare
- Married 50 years, two adult children, three granddaughters, and one very cute dog
One of the most important decisions to make when you’re walking through relational trauma is to not go through it alone. If you are in a destructive marriage, I wholeheartedly recommend joining Conquer. Led by my friend, Leslie Vernick, Conquer gives you a Biblically wise path forward with the support of others who understand what you’re going through. Get the help you need from people you can trust.”
Save your seat.
Thursday, September 17, at 12:00 pm ET or 7:30 pm ET. Free, live, and private.
Questions women ask before they register
Is this really free?
Yes. It costs nothing, and you don’t need a credit card to register.
Will anyone see me or know I was there?
No. Your camera stays off, and you can register under whatever name you’re most comfortable using.
What if I can’t attend live?
Register anyway. A shortened replay goes to everyone who signs up and stays available for 72 hours. If you’re a Conquer member, it also goes into the members’ area so you can come back to it any time.
Is this only for women who are separated or considering divorce?
No. Women come at every stage. Some are still living at home, trying to work out whether things are genuinely improving. Some are separated and weighing whether to reconcile. Some have already decided and want to understand what happened. The teaching applies to all of them.
Is this only for women?
Yes, this workshop is for women.
What if I’m already a Conquer member?
Please come. Members come every time, and many of them stay for the Q&A to help answer questions from women who are just arriving.
Who will email me?
Emails come from Leslie Vernick & Co. Nothing we send you will name the workshop topic in the subject line.
Thursday, September 17.
Come get clear on what you’re looking at. It takes less than a minute to register, and your registration is private.
Leslie Vernick & Co. · leslievernick.com
If you’re in immediate danger, call 911. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233.