Quick Start - Leslie Vernick

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Quick Start Guide

Hey there!

I’m so glad you are here and I want you to know that you’ve come to the right place!

I know the main question in your heart. “Is my marriage really destructive? Or just difficult or disappointing?”

As an experienced counselor, coach, and author of 7 books, including the national bestseller, The Emotionally Destructive Relationship and The Emotionally Destructive Marriage, I know that confusion, fear, and blame shifting are part of your life every day.

The helplessness, confusion, frustration, and hurt can be overwhelming at times. It can be tricky - and even risky - to navigate through it in a God-honoring way.

But I also know there are some simple, Biblical solutions that can give you clarity on what you are going through and what God sees.

Take a few minutes to save this page and dive into this Quick Start Guide to really understand your situation.

I’m excited for your growth!

Leslie Vernick & Co.

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ASSESSMENT QUIZ: How Healthy is Your Marriage?

Marriage isn’t just a legal contract, it is a living dynamic relationship. In the fog of the problem, it’s difficult to tell whether you are in a difficult marriage, a disappointing marriage, or a destructive marriage.

To help you figure that out, I’ve created a quick quiz for you to answer.

Click here for ASSESSMENT QUIZ: How Healthy is Your Marriage?

QUIZ: Is My Marriage Healthy?

Marriage isn’t just a legal contract, it is a living dynamic relationship. Sadly, many marriages - even among Christians - are not doing well. As a Christian counselor and coach for over 45 years, I’ve seen thousands of couples seek counseling to deal with their marital distress.

Sometimes when you’re in the fog of the problem, it’s difficult to tell whether you are in a difficult marriage, a disappointing marriage, or a destructive marriage.

To help you figure that out, I’ve listed 13 traits of a healthy marriage. Answer the questions twice: first answering the questions about your spouse, and second answering them about yourself.

YES NO My spouse shows care and concern for me and my needs.
YES NO My spouse has my best interest in mind.
YES NO My spouse asks my opinion on things.
YES NO My spouse works with me as a partner to parent our children.
YES NO My spouse is willing to get help for our marriage problems?
YES NO My spouse takes responsibility and apologizes when he or she is wrong?
YES NO My spouse is considerate of my feelings.
YES NO When we have a problem, my spouse is willing to talk about it.
YES NO My spouse uses the Bible to correct his or her own life.
YES NO My spouse allows me to be myself.
YES NO My spouse trusts me.
YES NO My spouse asks me how I feel our marriage is going.
YES NO My spouse listens to advice from wise people.

If you answered yes to most of these questions, your marriage is relatively healthy even if you’re having some conflict or difficulties.

One or two “no” answers indicate weak areas in your marriage.
More than three “no” answers indicate an unhealthy marriage.
More than five “no” answers point toward a destructive relationship.

VIDEO: Is Your Marriage Disappointing? Difficult? Or Destructive?

What are the signs of a Destructive Marriage? What happens when you try to assert yourself? Do you feel small and insecure all the time? Here are the 5 warning signs.

ARTICLE: Where is God in My Destructive Marriage?

Despite what other well-meaning people tell you - God is the final word.

Here are three Biblical truths that God wants you to know about the pain you are feeling in your marriage.

Click here to read the article: Where is God in My Destructive Marriage

Anyone who grew up in church learned the song, “Jesus Loves Me This I Know.” And, how do we know? As the song says, “The Bible Tells Me So.”

Then you grow up and learn that this same Bible also says God hates. We’re taught, for example, he hates divorce (Malachi 2:4). Not a big deal … unless you happened to grow up and marry an emotionally abusive man.

So what do you do? How do you reconcile the truth that the “God who loves me” seems to care more about keeping my marriage together than my personal (or my children’s) safety or sanity?

Christian leaders and counselors often counsel women in these situations to:

“Keep extending grace."

“Forgive and put the past in the past.”

“Stop pushing his buttons.”

“Try harder to make him happy.”

“Respect and submit to him. He’s the head of the home.”

And, of course, “If he hasn’t cheated on you have no grounds for divorce.”

Friend, please understand that the majority of people handing out this advice are well-meaning and truly believe they are offering godly counsel. But I believe they are wrong.

Anyone can cherry-pick a verse and make theology. But to properly interpret the Bible, one needs to look at the whole counsel of God as well as know the heart of God. It’s important to see who God is and how he has handled situations similar to the one you’re in.

Here are three Biblical truths you can know for sure:

You have a God who knows how you feel.

God knew grief when Adam and Eve sinned...to the point where He actually regretted creating mankind (like you may regret marrying your partner). He gave them everything and it wasn’t enough. They wanted even more (Genesis 6:5-6).

Then there were the Jews...a nation God invited to be his chosen people. They were in a covenant relationship. But instead of being faithful, Israel broke their covenant. They were unfaithful and indifferent. And, God’s heart was broken once again.” (Luke 13:34).

You have a safe place to pour your heart out. You have a God who understands and cares about the anguish you feel.

God hates what’s happening in your marriage.

A lot of pastors and Christian counselors want women (or men) in destructive marriages to play a dangerous game of lie and pretend. Only a sexual affair is seen as Biblical justification for breaking marital vows. For every other sin (explosive anger, pornography, indifference, financial deceit, etc.), the burden is on the injured spouse to perpetually forgive, forget the past, and continue to supernaturally endure the abuse.

God is not asking you to pretend or to lie to cover up evil. You don’t have to act like you have a great marriage when you don’t. It’s okay to acknowledge that your husband’s sin has seriously damaged your marriage. That trust is broken. That you don’t feel safe, or loved, or valued.

There are so many examples of this in Scripture. In Genesis alone, there’s Cain and Abel, Joseph and his brothers, Rebekah and Isaac, Laban and Jacob. God didn’t hide the hideous sin in these relationships and the damage it caused (Genesis chapters 4, 24, 29, 37).

The Malachi 2 passage that is so often quoted as “God hates divorce,” is actually saying that God hates when a husband is treacherous and unfaithful to his wife. Hates it. He hates when you are being treated with cruelty and indifference. He hates it when you’re struggling financially because of your husband’s sin. He sees your situation and he hates it. (He doesn’t hate your husband but his sin and the hardness of his heart.)

God Values Your Safety and Sanity

Too many Christians (and even pastors) expect a wife to stay in a marriage where she is not safe. But that’s not the example we see in the Bible. God cared about the safety of his people. God told Joseph to flee King Herod when he sought to kill baby Jesus (Matthew 2:13-15), David fled from King Saul and didn’t believe his words of remorse. God commended Rahab for hiding Jewish spies, even lying to the soldiers about it (Hebrews 11:31). Jesus confronted the Pharisees about their rigid Sabbath keeping, challenging them that it was right to rescue a child or even an ox on the Sabbath … emphasizing that their safety and well-being was more important than “blind obedience and rule keeping” (John 7:1, Luke 14:5).

Proverbs 27:12 reminds us, “The prudent see danger and take refuge.”

Therefore, if you’re in danger, do what it takes to get safe! Be confident that is God’s will. That includes physical safety as well as your sanity. If you’re at the end of your rope, tell someone. Get help. Don’t lie and pretend all is well when it is toxic and/or dangerous. God does not care more about the sanctity of marriage than you and your children’s safety and sanity.

Jesus loves you, this I know.

VIDEO: What Does God Say About Abuse?

What is the difference between sin and oppression? Is it ever right? What is the purpose of a Godly leadership role in marriage? And what did Jesus say about being the sin of injustice? This video will go deep into what God actually sees as abuse that can be masked as "leadership"

VIDEO: Five Signs of a Destructive Marriage

What are the key signs that your marriage issues are more than normal? Where is the line between "normal hardships" and behavior that crosses the line into destruction and abuse? How about if you see the signs in yourself? Watch this video to find out.

VIDEO: Where Do We Go From Here?

You have already taken the hardest step - facing the truth. But now what? How do you make wise decisions in your newfound clarity? This is the fork in the road and I want to let you know what I recommend.

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