Ending Soon: Leslie’s Conquer Support Group is open to new members, but only until Friday, September 25th. We open Conquer just twice a year, so don’t miss your opportunity to join this caring community of Christian women who understand the challenges of a destructive marriage. 👉 Click here to learn more and join.

By Leslie Vernick

By late September, it is easy to notice how much of the year you have spent waiting.

Waiting for him to understand. Waiting for the next apology to be different. Waiting for the counseling, the sermon, the consequence, or the crisis that will finally open his eyes.

You may have sent him articles, recommended books, explained how his behavior affects you, and carefully chosen your words so he would not feel attacked. You have prayed for him, encouraged him, and given him another chance.

Still, nothing changes for long.

That is a painful truth to face because you cannot make another person become honest, humble, safe, or willing to grow. You can invite change. You can speak truth. You can set limits and allow consequences.

But you cannot make him change.

Friend, accepting your powerlessness over him does not mean you are powerless. It means you are finally ready to focus your strength where it can make a difference.

First, open your eyes to the truth.

Jesus said the truth sets you free in John 8:32. Yet truth can feel frightening when you have spent years minimizing what is happening, making excuses, or convincing yourself that things are not as serious as they seem.

Pay attention to the patterns, not only the promises. Ask yourself what you have been telling yourself in order to keep going. Have you believed that a good Christian wife should tolerate mistreatment? Have you assumed that keeping the marriage together is entirely your responsibility?

Clarity may feel painful at first, but confusion will keep you stuck.

Second, believe what God says about your value.

Being criticized, ignored, demeaned, or blamed over time can slowly distort how you see yourself. You may begin to believe that you are difficult, selfish, too sensitive, or impossible to love.

Your husband is not qualified to determine your worth.

God is.

You are His workmanship, created with dignity, purpose, and value. His love for you is not based on how well you manage your marriage, how happy you keep your husband, or how much mistreatment you can endure.

Third, invite wise people to help you see clearly.

Destructive relationships often become more powerful in isolation. When you have no safe person to talk with, his version of reality may become the only version you hear.

You need people who will listen without shaming you, tell you the truth without controlling you, and help you recognize what you may no longer be able to see on your own. Be open to wise feedback, even when it challenges the story you have been telling yourself.

Support is not weakness. God often uses safe people to help you find your footing again.

Fourth, pay attention to how this relationship is shaping you.

Haggai 1:7 says, “Give careful thought to your ways.”

What is happening inside you? Are you becoming more fearful, reactive, bitter, dishonest, numb, or desperate to control the outcome? Are you losing your health, your confidence, or your ability to think clearly?

Your emotions are not your enemy. They are giving you important information about what you are experiencing. Listen to them without allowing them to control every decision you make.

You are responsible for the woman you are becoming, even when you are not responsible for the destructive behavior happening to you.

Finally, put your marriage in its proper place.

Your marriage matters to you, and it matters to God. But your marriage was never meant to take God’s place in your life.

When keeping the marriage together becomes more important than truth, safety, sanity, or the well being of your children, something has become disordered. You may become so focused on preventing the marriage from unraveling that you are no longer paying attention to how much you are unraveling.

Ask yourself: If I do my part and my marriage still does not become healthy, can I trust God to be enough for me?

You cannot force repentance. You cannot manufacture empathy. You cannot do both sides of the relationship.

But you can tell yourself the truth. You can receive support. You can strengthen your boundaries, care for your well being, and choose your next right step.

Where are you spending your energy trying to control him, and what would change if you began investing that energy in strengthening you?

by Leslie Vernick

Leslie Vernick, counselor and social worker, has witnessed the devastating effects of emotional abuse. Many, including many in the church, have not addressed this form of destruction in families and relationships because it is difficult to talk about. With godly guidance and practical experience, Vernick offers an empathetic approach to recognizing an emotionally destructive relationship and addresses the symptoms and the damage with biblical tools. Readers will understand how to:

• Reveal behaviors that are meant to control, punish, and hurt
• Confront and speak truth when the timing is right
• Determine when to keep trying, when to get out
• Get safe and stay safe
• Build an identity in Christ

This practical and thorough resource will help countless individuals, families, and churches view abuse from God’s perspective and understand how vital it is for victims to embrace His freedom from the physical, emotional, spiritual, and generational effects of emotionally destructive relationships.

Two winners will be selected in our next newsletter! (Giveaway only available to U.S. residents)

If you would like to enter to win, you can click here to provide name and email address.

The winners of “The Emotionally Destructive Relationship: Seeing It, Stopping It, Surviving It” by Leslie Vernick are Sally P. and Jessica M.

By Leslie Vernick

Question: I know I need more support from outside in my marriage. It is a great burden on me. However, I do not know how to get that support. I read your blog and have read your others books on abuse, and those things have been lifelines for me. I really feel the need to have a trusted friend to talk to about my difficulties, but I am not sure how to find one.

I have considered joining one of your online groups, but that doesn’t seem possible. My husband is a cleric. I homeschool. He works from home. He would be livid at me if he knew I was joining a support group for women in abusive relationships. I would likely not be allowed to continue and if I were it would be at great cost as he would make it difficult for me. I don’t know how to do it on the sly either. He is at home, I am at home, the children are at home. Not always, but there aren’t regular times when I am alone.

All my friends go to our church – where he is the leader. If I were to talk to one of them, it would put a huge burden on them since he is their leader. Plus they might feel the need to deal with it at a church level, which would also come back to me. To find a friend outside of church seems tricky as well. I am very busy and the burden I carry is heavy. My time is often spent trying to recover and heal from emotional pain, so just the time involved in finding a friend is daunting, never mind trying to get together without his oversight.

As I write this, I realize that perhaps I need to try to not homeschool in order to have more independence. However, I am concerned that some of my children might follow the wrong crowd at school. I am committed to bringing them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Besides that, I would have to work and currently I struggle with my health. I think that is partly due to the years of this marriage as well as the burden I so often feel that he shouldn’t be in ministry.

Answer: I feel for you. I hear you hurting inside. Your burden is heavy and you are experiencing great pressure and pain. You know you need to make a change because maintaining the status quo is making you ill. Yet your fear of making a change keeps you spinning in circles and staying stuck right where you are, to your own peril.

I wonder if you noticed that every good solution you came up with to help yourself came with an obstacle that stopped you from moving forward and taking action. From what you have communicated I believe you are extremely capable of coming up with good solutions for yourself. Therefore, I’m not going to give you any more solutions. Instead, I want to address your resistance to taking action on your own behalf (which I believe is a very common problem for good Christian women in your situation).

Continue Reading …

“I completed one year in the Conquer program and found both peace and community here. Joining the Conquer group was a way for me to immerse myself in a supportive community of women who understand the patterns of a destructive marriage. Within our safe and private Facebook group, we shared inspiring scriptures, educational resources, and our lives.

During my membership year, I also focused on my own recovery and I prayed for guidance from God. I prayed for the strength and resolve to make the changes required to find peace for myself and my child. I decided that I could not stay in my marriage, and by the mid-point of my program, I had moved out of my home and filed for divorce. I am at peace with my decision, and it truly is a peace that passes human understanding.

There are women in the program who decide to stay with their husbands and those who decide to leave. There are those who know they’re just not ready to do either. Within our group we are free to discuss our personal decision-making without a sense of judgement.

In closing, I highly recommend Conquer. I am better educated and I have gained a sense of validation. I needed to know I was not crazy, and not alone. ABOVE ALL- I’m so thankful for each one of my Conquer Sisters. For their transparency, kindness, willingness to read, to listen and to share. I will continue to pray for Leslie, my Conquer sisters, and this ministry.” ~ Stacey

Leslie wants to help you grow in your personal and relational effectiveness. Please submit your questions by clicking here.

Then, visit Leslie’s Blog as she posts her responses to one question per week.

Note: Due to the volume of questions that Leslie receives, she is unable to respond to every question.