What’s New:

• October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month: Many Christian counselors, pastors, and lay leaders are still woefully ill-equipped to handle this very important issue despite 1 in 4 Christian women reporting being in a destructive marriage. I invite you to visit my website, which I’ve designed to educate and equip pastors, counselors and church leaders on this important topic. Please check out www.leslievernick.com/counselors

Where is God in my Destructive Marriage?

By Leslie Vernick

​​Anyone who grew up in church learned the song “Jesus Loves Me This I Know.” And how do we know? As the song says, “The Bible Tells Me So.”

Then you grow up and learn that this same Bible also says God hates. We’re taught, for example, he hates divorce (Malachi 2:4). Not a big deal … unless you happen to grow up and marry an emotionally abusive man.

So what do you do? How do you reconcile the truth that the “God who loves me” seems to care more about keeping my marriage together than my personal (or my children’s) safety or sanity?

Christian leaders and counselors often counsel women in these situations to:

“Keep extending grace.

“Forgive and put the past in the past.”

“Stop pushing his buttons.”

“Try harder to make him happy.”

“Respect and submit to him. He’s the head of the home.”

And, of course, “If he hasn’t cheated on you have no grounds for divorce.”

Friend, please understand that the majority of people handing out this advice are well-meaning and truly believe they are offering godly counsel. But I believe they are wrong.

Anyone can cherry-pick a verse and make theology. But, to properly interpret the Bible, one needs to look at the whole counsel of God as well as know the heart of God. It’s important to see who God is and how he has handled situations similar to the one you’re in.

Here are three Biblical truths you can know for sure:

You have a God who knows how you feel.

God knew grief when Adam and Eve sinned…to the point where He actually regretted creating mankind (like you may regret marrying your partner). He gave them everything and it wasn’t enough. They wanted even more. (Genesis 6:5-6)

Then there were the Jews…a nation God invited to be his chosen people. They were in a covenant relationship. But, instead of being faithful, Israel broke their covenant. They were unfaithful and indifferent. And, God’s heart was broken once again.” (Luke 13:34).

You have a safe place to pour your heart out. You have a God who understands and cares about the anguish you feel.

God hates what’s happening in your marriage.

A lot of pastors and Christian counselors want women (or men) in destructive marriages to play a dangerous game of lie and pretend. Only a sexual affair is seen as Biblical justification for breaking marital vows. For every other sin (explosive anger, pornography, indifference, financial deceit, etc.,) the burden is on the injured spouse to perpetually forgiv, forget the past and continue to supernaturally endure the abuse.

God is not asking you to pretend or to lie to cover up evil. You don’t have to act like you have a great marriage when you don’t. It’s okay to acknowledge that your husband’s sin has seriously damaged your marriage. That trust is broken and you don’t feel safe, loved, or valued.

There are so many examples of this in Scripture. In Genesis alone, there’s Cain and Abel, Joseph and his brothers, Rebekah and Isaac, and Laban and Jacob. God didn’t hide the hideous sin in these relationships and the damage it caused (Genesis chapters 4, 24, 29, 37).

The Malachi 2 passage that is so often quoted as “God hates divorce” is actually saying that God hates when a husband is treacherous and unfaithful to his wife. Hates it. He hates it when you are being treated with cruelty and indifference. He hates it when you’re struggling financially because of your husband’s sin. He sees your situation, and he hates it. (He doesn’t hate your husband but his sin and the hardness of his heart.)

God Values Your Safety and Sanity

Too many Christians (and even pastors) expect a wife to stay in a marriage where she is not safe. But that’s not the example we see in the Bible. God cared about the safety of his people. God told Joseph to flee King Herod when he sought to kill baby Jesus (Matthew 2:13-15); David fled from King Saul and didn’t believe his words of remorse. God commended Rahab for hiding Jewish spies, even lying to the soldiers about it (Hebrews 11:31). Jesus confronted the Pharisees about their rigid Sabbath keeping, challenging them that it was right to rescue a child or even an ox on the Sabbath … emphasizing that their safety and well-being was more important than “blind obedience and rule-keeping” (John 7:1, Luke 14:5).

Proverbs 27:12 reminds us, “The prudent see danger and take refuge.”

Therefore, if you’re in danger, do what it takes to get safe! Be confident that is God’s will. That includes physical safety as well as your sanity. If you’re at the end of your rope, tell someone. Get help. Don’t lie and pretend all is well when it is toxic and/or dangerous. God does not care more about the sanctity of marriage than you and your children’s safety and sanity.

Jesus loves you, this I know.

Book Giveaway

Understanding and Breaking the Cycle of Trauma Responses in Parenting

By LeAnne Parsons

Question: “I have left well and I have grown so much in areas of fear, guilt, and codependency. Thank you for your help in these areas through Conquer, your blog, your books, etc. What I am struggling with now is my responses to anger and bullying in other people other than my ex-husband, especially the 13-year-old I have been raising since he was 3. He and I both have been abused emotionally and mentally with threats of physical abuse through body language and verbal threats. He was abandoned by his parents and struggles with depression, anxiety, PTSD, and severe ADHD. Disciplining him can be quite a challenge. Sometimes I am patient and calm. Unfortunately, sometimes I react quickly with anger when I feel threatened or disrespected. But there have been times when I have allowed my anger to rise up, and I have used physical aggression such as pushing him into a position where he can’t threaten me and smacking or slapping him to make him stop verbally being abusive. I never like this type of discipline, but in the moment, I feel defensive and as if I am losing control. I rise up and use the things I hate and that were used against me. It is inappropriate, and I apologize and pray, but something will happen a month or so later, and I will feel that same anger and response that makes me feel like I have to protect myself. I can sometimes walk away, other times I begin responding and stop myself, and sometimes I mess up and yell and use my body to try and bully him into submission. I do not hit (I have slapped), but I have felt the urge to hit him with my fists when he becomes extremely abusive himself. I hate the anger and the out-of-control feelings. I know he is not my abusive husband, but I react as if he is. How do I stop this response reaction, and how do I make amends with my kid? I want him to grow up and be healthy. I don’t want him to continue being disrespectful and using abusive tactics himself. He is in counseling twice monthly, and I see a Christian counselor monthly. We talk about this, and I hear that we are responding to our trauma. I want to stop the response before it happens. Do I have to always be this way? I have never been an angry or defensive person before my abuse experience. I hate how it has changed me.”

Answer: Precious sister, your honesty is a gift to all of us, especially because it touches on something so tender: the way our past wounds sometimes affect how we parent. I want to take time to unpack your question because many of us have struggled with reacting out of anger, especially when parenting, dear one you are not alone. My response will come to you in 3 parts over the next 3 weeks right here in our blog.

As a Professional Certified Coach (PCC) and TBRI (Trust-Based Relational Intervention) Practitioner, I’ve seen how trauma can sneak into our responses, especially when we’re dealing with challenging behaviors in our children. Trauma is like an unwelcome guest—it shows up when we least expect it, demanding to be heard. But, friend, there is hope. Let’s start by understanding why these reactions happen and what we can do to begin breaking this painful cycle…

Continue Reading …

What People Are Saying About Leslie’s Empowered To Change Group

I have tools to begin to use when I pause, notice and see what is happening in me. I think of my big circle when I’m uncertain. This small group is just what I needed to stay accountable and feel closer to God.

~ Graduate of Empowered To Change

LESLIE WELCOMES YOUR QUESTIONS

Leslie wants to help you grow in your personal and relational effectiveness. Please submit your questions by clicking here.

Then, visit Leslie’s Blog as she posts her responses to one question per week.

Note: Due to the volume of questions that Leslie receives, she is unable to respond to every question.