Start the New Year with Clarity: The Quickstart Guide Is Here: Friend, if you’ve spent the last year wondering, “Is my marriage destructive… or just difficult?”—you’re not alone. Many women step into January exhausted, confused, and unsure how to make wise decisions when the lines feel blurry.

Our Quickstart Guide was created to help you get clear. Inside, you’ll learn the difference between normal marital hardship and truly destructive patterns that erode your safety, sanity, and sense of self.

If you’re ready to start the year with truth— 👉 Access the Quickstart Guide here.

By Leslie Vernick

January can feel like a fresh start… or it can feel like more pressure.

Pressure to “do it better” this year.
Pressure to keep the peace.
Pressure to shoulder what someone else keeps dropping.

If you’re anything like the women I talk with, you may enter this new year already tired. Tired from holding everything together. Tired from managing the emotions, reactions, responsibilities, and spiritual temperature of your home. Tired from carrying a load that was never meant to rest on your shoulders.

Friend, that constant strain has a name. It’s called overfunctioning—and it steals your peace one small compromise at a time.

What Overfunctioning Really Looks Like

Overfunctioning isn’t about being helpful or hardworking. It’s what happens when you consistently take responsibility for things that are not yours:

• You absorb his moods so the house stays calm.

• You fix problems he created because “someone has to.”

• You apologize to keep the peace, even when the issue wasn’t yours.

• You manage all the spiritual growth, conflict repair, and emotional labor in the marriage.

And slowly—quietly—you disappear.

You start believing that if you keep trying harder, maybe this year will be different. Maybe this time he’ll notice. Maybe this time he’ll change. Maybe this time you’ll finally earn the tenderness, safety, or partnership you long for.

But that’s not how change works.

The Hard Truth That Sets You Free

God never asks you to carry someone else’s responsibilities on your back. Not in marriage. Not in parenting. Not in church life.

Scripture says each person is to carry their own load. Overfunctioning robs the other person of growth while draining you of strength. It keeps you stuck in a cycle where you work harder and he stays the same.

This year, I want you to hear this clearly:

You have a voice and a choice. And you get to step out of roles God never assigned you.

What Would January Look Like If You Released What Isn’t Yours?

Imagine walking into this year with:

• More clarity about what’s yours and what’s not.

• More emotional room to breathe.

• More courage to let go of what God never asked you to fix.

• More confidence to say, “This part is his work—not mine.”

Let January be the month you start practicing that freedom.

You don’t need permission.

You don’t need a perfect plan.
You simply need honesty before God and a willingness to take the next right step.

Friend, your worth doesn’t come from how much you carry— but from the God who carries you.

by Leslie Vernick

Something Has to Change…

You can’t put it into words, but something is happening to you. Your stomach churns, your heart aches, and the tension in your marriage is making you feel weary and a little crazy. The constant criticism, disrespect, cruelty, deceit, and gross indifference are eroding your confidence and breaking your spirit.

For any woman caught in an emotionally destructive marriage, Leslie Vernick offers a personalized path forward. Based on decades of counseling experience, her intensely practical, biblical advice will show you how to establish boundaries and break free from emotional abuse. Learn to:
– identify damaging behaviors
– gain the skills to respond wisely
– promote healthy change
– stay safe
– understand when, why, and even how to leave
– recognize that God sees and hates what is happening to you

Trying harder to be a perfect fantasy wife won’t help fix what’s wrong your marriage. Discover instead how you can initiate effective changes to stop the cycle of destruction and restore hope for the future.

Two winners will be selected in our next newsletter! (Giveaway only available to U.S. residents)

If you would like to enter to win, you can click here to provide name and email address.

The winners of “The Emotionally Destructive Marriage: How to Find Your Voice and Reclaim Your Hope” by Leslie Vernick are Jeannie K. and Genevieve E.

By Leslie Vernick

Question: Today’s question is a follow up to an earlier blog about setting boundaries with parents who have been abusive toward you as an adult or disrespectful of your boundaries. Here is the reader’s dilemma:

I believe I’ve set proper boundaries with both parents (they’re divorced) and I’m at peace with that in itself, but I’m still having a hard time emotionally letting go of my extended family. How can I stop feeling guilty? My mother doesn’t see that my need to still enforce boundaries isn’t unforgiveness, but caution and a desire to ensure my children’s safety. On the other side, my father and step-mother are pressuring us to move closer to them so they can spend more time with their grandchildren. I can’t win with either parent and I feel like I’m being treated like a child. I’m almost to the point of cutting ties with both of them. My husband has been 100% in agreement with my stand and is very supportive.

However, I display anger mixed with guilt whenever I encounter any of them. I’m still hopeful that God is working through this situation and I fear that cutting ties with them is not the answer. Please advise.

Answer: I agree with you. I don’t think totally cutting off ties with your family is the answer. Learning to let go of the guilt of displeasing them or making them unhappy is. I think women struggle with this more than men. We want others, especially our parents, to be happy with us, approve of our decisions and think we made good choices. When they show their disapproval or disappointment with our choices, we tend to second guess our decisions, and/or feel guilty for going against what they want or think is best…

Continue Reading …

“After years of second-guessing myself, the Quickstart Guide finally gave me language for what I was living through. I’m seeing things clearly for the first time, and I feel hope again.”

Leslie wants to help you grow in your personal and relational effectiveness. Please submit your questions by clicking here.

Then, visit Leslie’s Blog as she posts her responses to one question per week.

Note: Due to the volume of questions that Leslie receives, she is unable to respond to every question.