Start the New Year with Clarity: The Quickstart Guide Is Here: Friend, if you’ve spent the last year wondering, “Is my marriage destructive… or just difficult?”—you’re not alone. Many women step into January exhausted, confused, and unsure how to make wise decisions when the lines feel blurry.

Our Quickstart Guide was created to help you get clear. Inside, you’ll learn the difference between normal marital hardship and truly destructive patterns that erode your safety, sanity, and sense of self.

If you’re ready to start the year with truth — 👉 Access the Quickstart Guide here.

By Leslie Vernick

January often stirs something in us—a longing for renewal, healing, and a fresh way of living. You may feel that tug yourself. You’re doing the work. You’re reading, praying, journaling, listening, reflecting. You’re asking the hard questions. You want this year to be different.

But maybe the person sitting across the table from you doesn’t share that desire.

Maybe he’s comfortable staying the same.
Maybe he thinks the marriage is “fine.”
Maybe he insists that you’re the one who needs to change.
Maybe he minimizes, deflects, or spiritualizes the problem away.

And there you are, heart open, hands willing, doing the emotional and spiritual lifting for two.

Friend, that exhaustion you’re feeling? It’s real.

The Lonely Place Between Hope and Reality

When a woman wants healing more than her husband does, she often ends up in a painful middle space. A place where she still hopes for redemption but can’t deny what daily life looks like.

Maybe you’ve heard yourself say:

• “If I just explain it better, maybe he’ll understand.”

• “If I pray harder, maybe he’ll soften.”

• “If I’m more patient, maybe he’ll change.”

• “If I carry more, maybe the house won’t erupt.”

But here’s the truth: You can desire healing with your whole heart… and still not be able to create it alone.

Healing is relational work. It requires honesty, humility, responsibility, effort, and both people showing up.

The Truth That Frees You

Your growth is not wasted just because someone else refuses to grow with you.
Your courage still matters even if he never picks up his side of the work.

And friend, hear this with tenderness: Your work is not his work.

You can’t make him see what he doesn’t want to see.
You can’t force repentance.
You can’t manufacture empathy.
You can’t drag someone into healing.

But you can walk toward health yourself. You can choose truth over pretending. You can make decisions that protect your well-being. You can trust God with what isn’t yours to carry.

Scripture never commands you to heal someone else’s sin. It calls you to walk in truth and wisdom. To guard your heart. To choose life.

So What’s Your Next Right Step?

Maybe this year is the year you stop waiting for someone else’s transformation to begin your own.
Maybe this is the month you stop shrinking to keep the peace.
Maybe this is the week you get honest about what’s real.
Maybe this is the day you say, “I can’t fix this alone… but I can take care of me.”

And that’s not abandoning hope. That’s aligning yourself with truth.

God cares more about your safety and sanity than the image of your marriage. He sees the work you’ve already been doing. He sees your tears. He sees your heart.

And He will strengthen you as you take the next right step toward the life He’s inviting you into.

by Leslie Vernick

Something Has to Change…

You can’t put it into words, but something is happening to you. Your stomach churns, your heart aches, and the tension in your marriage is making you feel weary and a little crazy. The constant criticism, disrespect, cruelty, deceit, and gross indifference are eroding your confidence and breaking your spirit.

For any woman caught in an emotionally destructive marriage, Leslie Vernick offers a personalized path forward. Based on decades of counseling experience, her intensely practical, biblical advice will show you how to establish boundaries and break free from emotional abuse. Learn to:
– identify damaging behaviors
– gain the skills to respond wisely
– promote healthy change
– stay safe
– understand when, why, and even how to leave
– recognize that God sees and hates what is happening to you

Trying harder to be a perfect fantasy wife won’t help fix what’s wrong your marriage. Discover instead how you can initiate effective changes to stop the cycle of destruction and restore hope for the future.

Two winners will be selected in our next newsletter! (Giveaway only available to U.S. residents)

If you would like to enter to win, you can click here to provide name and email address.

The winners of “The Emotionally Destructive Marriage: How to Find Your Voice and Reclaim Your Hope” by Leslie Vernick are Tamara L. and Sharon S.

By Leslie Vernick

Question: Growing up I didn’t receive a lot of attention from my dad. My parents argued a lot and I saw my mom show a lot of pity towards my dad as he refused to change and deal with his past. I married my high school sweetheart and felt incredible pity for him because of his brokenness and irresponsibility. I went headstrong into marriage knowing I could really help him change. I loved the attention he gave me when we were dating. I was married for 26 years and the attention stopped soon after we got married, and he refused to listen to any of my help—including how to get a job or address my needs. Indifference and abuse set in and I just kept feeling so sorry for him and his life choices. I felt so sorry for him I continued to make excuses and excuse his irresponsibility. I finally woke up to reality and sadly filed for divorce.

My question is: how do I stop feeling sorry for men who are unhealthy or needy and stop the strong urge I have that I can fix them, help them, and make them better? Plus, I love the attention I get when I help them. I know this is unhealthy, but I don’t know where to start to change. I can’t imagine a relationship with someone who is healthy.

Answer: You’ve taken the first step towards health and that is self-awareness of your problem. You can’t fix or change something you won’t see or acknowledge. Give yourself some credit that you don’t want to repeat this familiar and comfortable pattern.

However, friend, you’re still lying to yourself when you tell yourself you can fix them and make them better. No, you can’t. It didn’t work with your dad; it didn’t work with your husband. You don’t have that kind of power. Even Jesus couldn’t fix Judas without Judas wanting to be fixed.

Continue Reading …

“The Quickstart Guide helped me see my situation with fresh eyes. For the first time in years, I feel like I’m not crazy—and I’m not alone. It gave me the courage to take my next step.”

Leslie wants to help you grow in your personal and relational effectiveness. Please submit your questions by clicking here.

Then, visit Leslie’s Blog as she posts her responses to one question per week.

Note: Due to the volume of questions that Leslie receives, she is unable to respond to every question.