Is It Destructive… or Just Difficult?

Friend, as spring turns toward summer, something in you may be stirring. A quiet voice that says, “I cannot keep going like this.” Maybe the school year is ending and the thought of long summer days at home together fills you with dread instead of joy.

If you have been carrying that question, “Is what I’m experiencing normal… or something more?”, our Quick Start Guide can help you find your answer.

It was created to give you the clarity and language you need to understand what is really happening and to find your footing again.

You do not have to stay stuck in confusion. 👉 Get your Quick Start Guide here: https://leslievernick.com/quick-start/

By Leslie Vernick

Friend, summer is approaching. The pace shifts. The days stretch longer. People talk about rest, vacations, and slowing down.

But for you, rest may feel like the most dangerous thing in the world.

Because when you slow down, you feel. And when you feel, everything you have been managing, suppressing, and holding at arm’s length comes rushing in.

So you stay busy. You fill the calendar. You volunteer. You clean. You organize. You take care of everyone around you, because that is the one thing that keeps the anxiety at bay.

But here is the question no one is asking you: When was the last time you took care of yourself without feeling guilty about it?

If you are a woman living in a destructive or difficult marriage, that question may stop you in your tracks. Because somewhere along the way, you learned that caring for yourself is selfish. That resting is lazy. That saying “I need a break” means you are not trusting God enough.

Friend, that is not faith. That is a lie dressed in spiritual clothing.

The God Who Rested First

God Himself rested on the seventh day. Not because He was tired, but because rest is holy. It is part of the rhythm He designed for human flourishing.

Jesus regularly withdrew from the crowds to pray, to be alone, to restore His soul (Luke 5:16). He did not apologize for it. He did not explain Himself to the disciples. He simply went.

If the Son of God needed solitude and rest, why would you believe that you do not?

Many Christian women have been taught that their worth comes from how much they give. How much they serve. How much they endure. And when they finally reach their breaking point, they feel shame instead of compassion for themselves.

But Scripture says to guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life (Proverbs 4:23). That includes guarding it from the belief that you must earn your right to breathe.

What Happens When You Never Stop

When a woman never rests, she does not become stronger. She becomes brittle. Her patience wears thin. Her joy disappears. Her body begins to carry what her heart refuses to speak.

Maybe you have noticed the headaches, the tension in your shoulders, the sleeplessness. Maybe you have noticed that you snap at your children more than you used to. Maybe you have noticed that you feel nothing at all.

Those are not signs of weakness. They are signs that you have been carrying a load God never asked you to carry alone.

You have a voice and a choice. And one of those choices is to say, “I need to stop. Not because I am giving up, but because I am choosing life.”

What Would It Look Like to Rest This Summer?

Not perfection. Not a spa day that fixes everything. But small, honest acts of care:

Sitting outside for ten minutes without your phone.

Saying no to one obligation that drains you.

Telling a trusted friend the truth about how you are feeling.

Letting the dishes sit while you read, pray, or simply be still.

God cares more about your safety and sanity than the image of your marriage. And He cares about the woman inside that marriage. You.

So what is your next right step toward rest?

It does not have to be dramatic. It just has to be true.

And friend, the truest thing you can do this summer is stop pretending you are fine and start tending to the soul that has been quietly asking for your attention.

Rest is not rebellion. It is returning to the way God made you to live.

by Leslie Vernick

Something Has to Change…

You can’t put it into words, but something is happening to you. Your stomach churns, your heart aches, and the tension in your marriage is making you feel weary and a little crazy. The constant criticism, disrespect, cruelty, deceit, and gross indifference are eroding your confidence and breaking your spirit.

For any woman caught in an emotionally destructive marriage, Leslie Vernick offers a personalized path forward. Based on decades of counseling experience, her intensely practical, biblical advice will show you how to establish boundaries and break free from emotional abuse. Learn to:

· identify damaging behaviors

· gain the skills to respond wisely

· promote healthy change

· stay safe

· understand when, why, and even how to leave

· recognize that God sees and hates what is happening to you

Trying harder to be a perfect fantasy wife won’t help fix what’s wrong your marriage. Discover instead how you can initiate effective changes to stop the cycle of destruction and restore hope for the future.

Two winners will be selected in our next newsletter! (Giveaway only available to U.S. residents)

If you would like to enter to win, you can click here to provide name and email address.

The winners of “The Emotionally Destructive Marriage: How to Find Your Voice and Reclaim Your Hope” by Leslie Vernick are Nancy G. and Staci S.

By Leslie Vernick

Question: Thank you so much for what you do. I have read your book and listened to many of your videos. After years of counseling, reading and praying, I cannot shake the belief that I am being selfish.

I’ve been married for 25 years. All 25 years I have worked to support our family. In the beginning, this was difficult for me, but I was willing to work toward my husband’s dream job. I worked while he built his business. I helped finance all of his projects at the promises that he just needed another year, etc. etc.

Here we are in the same position, only more expensive to accommodate his projects. Nearly all of his profits go right back into the business. It is mostly a hobby that pays for itself. There is no contribution to the household expenses. However, because the business is in the backyard, he sees it as helping with our “situation.”

I have trouble seeing it this way, so I become confused. Aside from the financial stuff, he is very short tempered. He is a schoolyard bully type that teases people for their flaws. He becomes angry if you show hurt feelings. He is loud, crude, entitled and cocky. He has an “I’ll hurt you before you hurt me” attitude. When he becomes angry with me he rages with insults and accusations about me, my family, my work, my hobbies and sometimes our children. He gets angry when I spend time with my parents. Teases if I go to church.

He tells me I’m “stepping out” when I take my mother to craft shows or go somewhere with a friend. He has disowned every member of his family. He hasn’t spoken to his own daughter from a previous marriage in nearly 10 years. He sleeps late in the day. He answers to nobody, no responsibility to anyone or anything. If he doesn’t want to do something he just doesn’t do it. I feel sorry for him.

He is like a child that gets so hurt that he has turned into a hateful person as a defense. He’s been diagnosed with depression and OCD (intrusive thoughts), anxiety and sleep apnea. He will go to doctors for a bit and then decide they don’t know what they are doing after he’s put little to no effort into treatment. He is very good at convincing me that his doing anything different is impossible.

My question is if I know his behaviors are coming from past hurts and some mental issues and I still leave… doesn’t that make me the bad person?

Also, if I’ve enabled this behavior all these years, am I selfish and cruel to just abandon him? I’ve become his parent. I’m responsible for his wellbeing. After all these years I feel taken advantage of, sad, defeated and quite frankly…. Ticked. I can’t get away from the feeling of selfishness and guilt though.

Afraid that my kids will be angry especially if he turns to them for financial and dependence. How can I stay well, or leave well when he isn’t well in either situation?

Answer: I’m so sorry for all you’ve had to live within your marriage. Your husband sounds like a very difficult man to live with and relate to and you have tried to be compassionate and understanding as to where this all might stem from.

There are a lot of angles here but let’s just tackle two. The first is your fear of feeling like a selfish and bad person if you say enough is enough and leave…

Continue Reading …

“For years I thought every marriage was this hard. The Quick Start Guide finally gave me the words for what I was living in. It was the first step that changed everything.” – Maren G.

Leslie wants to help you grow in your personal and relational effectiveness. Please submit your questions by clicking here.

Then, visit Leslie’s Blog as she posts her responses to one question per week.

Note: Due to the volume of questions that Leslie receives, she is unable to respond to every question.