When a woman shows up with a black eye or broken arm at the hands of her spouse, abuse is evident. When she lives with a broken spirit, the effects of abuse are just as real but less pronounced. God tells us a broken spirit is damaging and hard to live with (Proverbs 18:14).
Gaslighting is a form of covert, hidden abuse. It’s become a kind of buzzword lately so you may have heard the term, but what is gaslighting? How do you deal with it in your relationships?
The word comes from a famous movie released in the 40’s called “Gaslight.”
It’s about an accomplished opera singer named Paula who falls in love with and marries a man named Gregory Anton. Gregory begins to torture his wife, not physically but psychologically. He manipulates things around the house. For instance, he would dim the lights in the house. When Paula mentioned it, Gregory would say it was her imagination. He hides things that Paula puts in a particular place, and when she can’t find them puts them back. He accuses her of going crazy, and, with his manipulations, she begins to believe him.
When you hear the term “gaslighting,” it means a very intentional form of psychological manipulation. It’s a way of confusing, controlling, and intimidating someone to the point that she begins to doubt her memory and reality.
This leads to believing that marital problems are her fault.
The ultimate goal of gaslighting is to destroy a person’s self-confidence so she can’t function independently. She stops trusting her own judgment and becomes unable to make decisions. This can happen over time without anyone raising their voice.
This type of covert abuser often appears like the “good guy” because his cruel behavior is hidden from those around him and others see him helping his confused, muddled wife.
It’s essential to understand the stages of gaslighting. There are three of them:
Stage one: Create Confusion
In this stage your words are often twisted into something you never said. If you try to explain, it’s often labeled as a lie. This is not a communication problem. The twisting is intentional to confuse you. Your partner knows what you said and what you meant.
Stage Two: Defensiveness
Even the most mundane feedback and ordinary concerns have you being called controlling, judgmental, and self-righteous. Suddenly, it doesn’t matter what he’s done…or not done. You’re labeled the nag, the self-righteous, unforgiving one. You’re the abuser and he is the victim. Defending yourself usually leads to a huge argument and goes nowhere. Enough experiences in this stage and you start to doubt yourself and believe the labels he puts on you.
Stage 3: Depression and Emptiness
You’ve changed. Before, you knew your own mind. Now, you doubt yourself. Before, you were confident in your abilities. Now, you don’t even know who you are. You’ve accepted the things your husband has said about you as truth. His opinion of you is gospel and you find yourself in a pattern of apologizing and feeling insecure and self-conscious. Your reality is one of depression and emptiness.
But a little clarity could go a long way here. So, let’s shed some light on what’s really going on:
Covert “Crazymaking.”
- Information is distorted or outright withheld, but he swears you were told everything. You “must have forgotten.” You misunderstood. That didn’t happen. Soon, you’re doubting your version of reality.
- He says something hurtful. Something he knows will make you feel insecure. When you object, he accuses you of overreacting or being too sensitive. He “didn’t mean it” or you “misunderstood.” Ultimately, you’re the one who is apologizing!
- Minimizing is an almost daily occurrence. “It’s not that big a deal.” “You make too much of everything.”
- Excuses are another major pastime for the gaslighter. His actions are always someone else’s fault. (Usually yours.)
- Deflecting your concerns or feelings or confrontations as crazy, ridiculous, unimportant, or ungodly. You’re bad, he’s good. You’re wrong, he’s right.
So, how do you deal with gaslighting?
Understand you are not going to change a gaslighter. Your job is to not get confused. Therefore, when having a conversation, tell him you are going to record it or write down what’s being said. You can simply say, “I’m tired of being told I don’t remember what was said.” This puts him on notice that his tactic of purposely leaving out information and accusing you of forgetfulness will not work anymore. (If that feels to risky, write down what you remember you said and agreed to or he said and agreed to afterwards. That way when he says that never happened, you at least know that you are being gaslit and stop questioning your memory or sanity).
When he minimizes by saying something isn’t a big deal, it’s okay to tell him you disagree. You can calmly say, “I think it’s a big deal, and I’m going to discuss it with our pastor, or counselor, or even a trusted friend to get another opinion.” This sends a message that his words and actions will no longer be a secret, and you are no longer going to rely on his version of reality. You will consult with others.
Healthy people work on their shortcomings. They acknowledge their sinful nature and work to change. You can’t do that for your husband, but with God’s help, you can work on getting healthy and strong yourself so that he no longer has the power to rob you of your reality, confidence, and self-respect. 2 TImothy 1:7
