I started setting boundaries to protect myself and the kids from inappropriate behavior, and the situation continued to escalate with increasing demands, control, rage, and physically threatening behavior until I filed a restraining order, and he was removed from our home (a year and a half ago).

He has been seeing a counselor for about 6 months and keeps telling me that he is making changes and accuses me of not seeing them. The changes he is making seem very external (not yelling, giving gifts, etc.), but he continues to display all his old tactics of control (blame-shifting, accusations, appealing to authority, wanting me to “believe the best” about him, etc.). Based on what I see and what I’ve learned about people with narcissistic personality disorder (which I am quite convinced he has), he is extremely unlikely to ever be someone that I could have a healthy relationship with.

I felt that I could justify, even, that he’d ended our marriage long ago by breaking his vows to love and cherish, and so I’d decided to legally declare the marriage over by filing for divorce. However, when I told my pastor, he stated that to divorce him would be going against God’s will because divorce is only allowed for reasons of adultery (specifically defined as sexual relations with someone other than your spouse) and if my very life is in danger (i.e. if I’ve been hospitalized because of him, and the doctors thought I was going to die).

Neither of those things has happened. My pastor said that separation is acceptable, but divorce is not. I don’t believe that my husband will file for divorce because his NPD would not allow for a failure like that and, additionally, it would be letting go of what little control of me he has left.

Am I to continue to stay legally married in a situation like this? I want to live for God and not for myself, but I’m having trouble knowing what God really says about this.

Answer: I’m so sad for all you’ve been through. I think your gut is right in that your husband’s entitlement attitude hasn’t changed, especially since he is accusing you of not appreciating all his “changes.” If his heart had repented, he’d be more humble, patient and grateful that you were even willing to wait to see if he could prove that he had changed (Luke 3:8). That said, your question is about what your pastor has told you.

First, I believe your pastor probably has the best of intentions. He wants to be true to how he sees Biblical teaching on marriage and divorce and some church leaders, theologians and teachers agree with his point of view. However, it’s also important for you to be informed: many conservative Biblical pastors, teachers, and scholars do not share his perspective.