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✅ Faith-based, practical tools to stop people-pleasing without becoming harsh or selfish

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By Leslie Vernick

“I didn’t want to, but I didn’t know how to say no.”
“I felt guilty even thinking about letting her down.”
“What if they think I’m selfish?”

Friend, if you’ve ever had those thoughts, you’re not alone. People-pleasing has been praised as polite, godly, and even virtuous — especially for women raised in the church. But here’s what I’ve learned:

People-pleasing might feel like love…
…but it’s not the kind of love that leads to peace.

It’s one of the fastest ways to lose yourself and quietly resent everyone around you.

Here are just a few reasons it’s time to say no more:

1. People-pleasing is not the same as kindness.
True kindness is Spirit-led. People-pleasing is fear-led.

2. It’s dishonest.
Every time you say yes out of guilt, fear, or image management, you’re presenting a false version of yourself. That’s not love. That’s survival.

3. It disconnects you from your real thoughts, feelings, and values.
God didn’t ask you to be a robot. He gave you a voice. A perspective. A story. Don’t bury it.

4. It trains others to treat you like a doormat.
Boundaries you never set will always be crossed.

5. It creates chronic resentment.
You’ll look like the “good girl,” but feel like a trapped one. Over time, that can poison your relationships from the inside out.

6. It’s fueled by fear, not faith.
Fear of disapproval. Fear of abandonment. Fear of being seen as difficult. But Scripture reminds us, “Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.” (Proverbs 29:25)

7. Jesus never modeled it.
He healed some, not all. He left the crowds. He said hard things. Jesus loved people, but He wasn’t ruled by them.

8. People-pleasing often enables sin.
When we say yes just to avoid conflict, we can unintentionally empower someone else’s entitlement or dysfunction.

9. It makes you easier to manipulate.
If the fastest way to make you comply is to withdraw love or approval, you’re not in a safe relationship.

10. It will never satisfy.
No matter how much you do, it will never be enough for everyone. There is only One whose approval will anchor your soul. And He already calls you loved.

by Leslie Vernick

Leslie Vernick, counselor and social worker, has witnessed the devastating effects of emotional abuse. Many, including many in the church, have not addressed this form of destruction in families and relationships because it is difficult to talk about. With godly guidance and practical experience, Vernick offers an empathetic approach to recognizing an emotionally destructive relationship and addresses the symptoms and the damage with biblical tools. Readers will understand how to:

• Reveal behaviors that are meant to control, punish, and hurt
• Confront and speak truth when the timing is right
• Determine when to keep trying, when to get out
• Get safe and stay safe
• Build an identity in Christ

This practical and thorough resource will help countless individuals, families, and churches view abuse from God’s perspective and understand how vital it is for victims to embrace His freedom from the physical, emotional, spiritual, and generational effects of emotionally destructive relationships.

Two winners will be selected in our next newsletter! (Giveaway only available to U.S. residents)

If you would like to enter to win, you can click here to provide name and email address.

The winners of “The Emotionally Destructive Relationship: Seeing It, Stopping It, Surviving It” by Leslie Vernick are Hannah P and Trinell B.

By Leslie Vernick

Question: My husband constantly tells me I have to submit to him. There are times I seriously disagree with his decisions. What do I do? Joyce in Illinois

Answer:

It isn’t easy but submission is an important discipline in the spiritual life. It teaches us that we don’t have to have our own way and that some things are more important than our rights (like unity and the good of another person (Ephesians 4:2-3; 1 Corinthians 10). However, biblical submission isn’t only for woman and wives. All believers are called to submit to one another (Ephesians 5:1), to authority (1 Peter 2:13) and to God (James 4:7).

Like the command to love our enemies, submission is difficult. Therefore it’s always good to check your own heart attitude and ask yourself whether you are thinking too highly of yourself (Romans 12:3) and/or believing you’re always right or have to have your own way. Do you need to learn to submit as a part of yielding more fully to God?

Continue Reading …

“I thought saying no made me selfish. I didn’t know I could be kind and honest. This course helped me speak up without losing myself — or my faith.”
— Danielle, course participant

Leslie wants to help you grow in your personal and relational effectiveness. Please submit your questions by clicking here.

Then, visit Leslie’s Blog as she posts her responses to one question per week.

Note: Due to the volume of questions that Leslie receives, she is unable to respond to every question.