October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month: Many Christian counselors, pastors, and lay leaders are still woefully ill-equipped to handle this critical issue—despite 1 in 4 Christian women reporting being in a destructive marriage. That’s why I’ve created resources specifically for pastors, counselors, and church leaders to help them better understand, identify, and respond to emotional and spiritual abuse. 👉 Visit: www.leslievernick.com/counselors

You can also hear my latest podcast on Domestic Violence Awareness Month here

By Leslie Vernick

In the fall, farmers don’t just reap the harvest—they prepare the soil for what comes next. The land is cleared, nourished, and readied for new growth.

Friend, that’s what rebuilding life after divorce is like. It’s not just about leaving something behind—it’s about preparing for what God can grow in you next.

Here are five steps that can help you move forward with purpose and hope:

1. Acknowledge the Loss
   Divorce is a death of the life you hoped for. Give yourself permission to grieve—not only the marriage but the dreams, routines, and shared history that are now gone.
   “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” — Matthew 5:4

2. Reclaim Your Identity
   You are not defined by your marital status. Before you were a wife, you were a daughter of God—chosen, loved, and called. Ask Him to remind you who you are in Him.

3. Create a Safe Environment
   Just as soil needs to be cleared of weeds and rocks, your life needs boundaries that protect your emotional, spiritual, and physical well-being. You can’t grow well in unsafe conditions.

4. Invest in Healthy Connections
   Surround yourself with people who speak life into you, who can pray for you, and who will walk with you as you heal. God often uses the body of Christ to restore what was broken.

5. Take Small, Faithful Steps
   New growth doesn’t happen overnight. Start with what you can do today—whether that’s joining a support group, seeing a counselor, or simply spending time in God’s Word each morning.

Friend, preparing for new growth after divorce takes courage. It’s choosing to believe that God still has good plans for you—and to trust Him with the soil of your life.

The season you’re in now is not the end of your story. It’s the beginning of a new one.

by Leslie Vernick

You can’t put it into words, but something is happening to you. Your stomach churns, your heart aches, and the tension in your marriage is making you feel weary and a little crazy. The constant criticism, disrespect, cruelty, deceit, and gross indifference are eroding your confidence and breaking your spirit.

For any woman caught in an emotionally destructive marriage, Leslie Vernick offers a personalized path forward. Based on decades of counseling experience, her intensely practical, biblical advice will show you how to establish boundaries and break free from emotional abuse. Learn to:

• identify damaging behaviors
• gain the skills to respond wisely
• promote healthy change
• stay safe
• understand when, why, and even how to leave
• recognize that God sees and hates what is happening to you

Trying harder to be a perfect fantasy wife won’t help fix what’s wrong your marriage. Discover instead how you can initiate effective changes to stop the cycle of destruction and restore hope for the future.

Two winners will be selected in our next newsletter! (Giveaway only available to U.S. residents)

If you would like to enter to win, you can click here to provide name and email address.

The winners of “The Emotionally Destructive Marriage: How to Find Your Voice and Reclaim Your Hope” by Leslie Vernick are Lajeana C. and Teresa M.

By Leslie Vernick

Question: I have been married for 31 years to a wonderful man who has committed adultery at least 3 times, but we are still together. When I say he is a wonderful man, I am not being sarcastic. My husband is well liked by many people. He has one of those vibrant personalities.

I, on the other hand, am much quieter and reserved and do not like to be the center of attention. I am struggling with my choices. I feel stuck and angry and just want to feel like I have some power in this relationship. I think one of the problems is my husband has certain athletic activities that fuel him and define him. I will say I’d rather you not participate in this event, but he feels like I am holding him back from who he is. When I say it seems to be all about you and has for most of our married life, he says, what do you want to do, what are your goals, etc. And I can’t think of any.

It’s like I have been swallowed up into his life and I don’t even know who I am and what I want, so naturally, he gets to do what he wants because I can’t think of anything. So he moves on with his life, while I stay stuck and then I feel resentment toward him. I need help.

Answer: My heart broke as I read your question. It’s so sad to me that you have lost yourself in your marriage and that you describe your wonderful husband in terms of personality type rather than character traits. In fact, the one character trait you did share was he seemed rather selfish. “It’s all about him” were your words.

Adultery three times…that you know of…. and you’re still together because…..? You didn’t say why but I hope it’s because he’s genuinely repented, he loves you and you love him. And he’s doing the work he needs to do to figure out why he betrayed your trust and his vows and you are working together to rebuild trust.

Continue Reading …

This book was recommended to me by several women in my abused wives’ church support group. I had reached a point in my relatively short marriage where my head was spinning and I couldn’t see what the truth was anymore. Marriage and personal counseling was helping, but only so much. I couldn’t see what message God was telling me – what my role was in both the marriage and destruction, whether to stay or go, and how to do so. This book has transformed my way of thinking about my marriage, and in response has greatly affected my marriage.

Leslie wants to help you grow in your personal and relational effectiveness. Please submit your questions by clicking here.

Then, visit Leslie’s Blog as she posts her responses to one question per week.

Note: Due to the volume of questions that Leslie receives, she is unable to respond to every question.