“Are you going to make one for me?”
I was helping my kids put multiple items into their classroom valentines bags while they chatted with their dad on video call.
“I can’t STAND that comment,” I thought to myself. It was a simple question, but I knew what it really meant.
He says it every time they’re making something. Food. A card. A gift for a friend. It’s never just about their excitement, it always has to come back to him.
I watched my daughter hesitate for just a second. And that one second told me everything. Because I knew that feeling too.
If you’ve been in a destructive relationship, you know this dynamic well. Love isn’t freely given, it’s extracted. Expected. Required.
It’s the unspoken rules of:
If you really loved me, you’d think of me first.
I must always be top of mind, or maybe you don’t care.
You owe me your attention, your affection, your gratitude.
At first, it might not seem harmful. But over time, this expectation warps your understanding of love. It turns love into a performance, a duty instead of a choice.
God designed love to be freely given, not demanded. “Love… does not insist on its own way.” (1 Cor. 13:4-5) “Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.” (2 Cor. 9:7)
Healthy love is a gift freely given. Manipulation on the other hand uses love as leverage, something to extract rather than express.
Maybe you’ve felt this in your marriage or another primary relationship. Or maybe you work with people who feel this way. Maybe you’ve heard the subtle messages:
“You always put everyone else first.”
“You’re so selfish.”
“After everything I do for you…”
Maybe you’ve even internalized them, believing that real love means losing yourself completely. But God never designed love to be one-sided. And He certainly doesn’t model that. “We love because He first loved us.”
And recognizing that doesn’t make you selfish. It makes you wise. So What Can You Do?
First, name it for what it is. If love is demanded rather than given, it’s not love – it’s control.
Next, set internal boundaries. You are not responsible for managing someone else’s feelings, expectations, or entitlement.
Finally, give yourself permission to say no. You do not have to prove your love by constantly meeting someone’s demands. Your worth is not measured by how much you sacrifice.
If love in your life feels more like a point of leverage than a gift, pay attention. True love nurtures, while manipulation demands.
I saw that hesitation in my child because I have lived it too. For years, I had trained myself to appease, over-explain, and self-sacrifice, not because I wanted to, but because I was afraid not to. But I have learned that real love is not fueled by obligation.
Even in my relationship with Jesus, He never demands my time, talents, or treasures. He asks for them. He delights in them when I offer them to Him. And I get His love with or without my involvement. His blessings, though, come when I am in a close relationship with Him. And the more I stepped into that truth, the more freedom I found.
You were made to walk in truth, even when it’s scary. To use your voice, even when it shakes. To take small but courageous steps toward healthier patterns, even when it feels impossible. And you weren’t meant to do it alone.
Setting boundaries isn’t selfish. And love should never be about leverage.
