Friend, August is here. Can you believe we are more than half-way through 2026? Time doesn’t stand still and sometimes decisions, especially hard ones keep getting put on the back burner.
Maybe for now, you have decided to stay in a marriage that has some significant unhealthy elements to it.
That is okay. What matters is that if you choose to stay, you learn to stay well.
But what does that phrase staying well really mean? Let me start with what it doesn’t mean. It doesn’t mean your marriage or your man gets better. It doesn’t mean things are no longer hard.
It means you shift your focus from trying to fix or change him, and instead focus on what you need to do so that you do not deteriorate further. To not simply survive, but begin to thrive, even in a marriage that is not nourishing. Your focus shifts off of his immaturity and sin to you, where you focus on nourishing yourself to grow into the healthiest, most God-centered woman you can become, even while being unloved, and staying in an unhappy marriage. A model for this is Abigail from the Old Testament. She was married to a surly and foolish man, yet Abigail didn’t allow his foolishness to diminish her strength, wisdom and kindness (Click here for the story).
How? What are the steps forward for this shift?
First prioritize taking better care of your body. Sleep is not a luxury when you are under chronic stress. Your body needs those sleep hours to recover from what your nervous system absorbs every single day. Exercise matters too, not because you need to look a certain way, but because your body is holding cortisol it has nowhere to put, and movement is one of the few things that actually clears it.
Second, stop isolating. Isolation is one of the most reliable tools a controlling person uses, whether he is doing it deliberately or not. When you stop connecting with others, his voice fills up all the space. You start to only hear what he says about you as though it is true, because you have no other voices to push back against it. Make a plan to get out of the house with friends. Find an on-line Bible study, walk with a neighbor, listen to a podcast, read a book. Intentionally bring new perspectives into your world. This will help you think more clearly and see that his opinions are not the ONLY opinions there are.
Third, guard your heart. Proverbs 4:23 says above all else, do this one thing, and the reason is clear. Your heart is where your values live, where your sense of self lives, where the Holy Spirit lives. When someone’s words and actions regularly attempt to diminish you, it takes a toll. You can start to feel worthless. You start to separate from who you actually are. Notice what’s happening and do not let that happen. God created you to become who He created you to become, not who your husband says you are to be.
Part of guarding your heart means YOU learn to stop dancing the JADE dance with him.
Stop Justifying your choices, your desires, your thoughts, your reasons to him.
Stop Arguing. Agree to disagree.
Stop Defending yourself. You know that goes nowhere. History has shown you that.
Stop Explaining to someone who does not want to understand.
In a healthy relationship, those 4 things serve a purpose. They help us resolve misunderstandings. In a destructive relationship, dancing the JADE dance only gives your partner more material to use against you. Every time you explain yourself, you hand him another opening. Notice when you are doing it and stop. It only wears you to the bone.
Fourth, intentionally renew your mind. Paul says in 2 Corinthians 10 to take every thought captive. That is practical work. It means you begin to notice what you tell yourself and you ask whether it is true. Sometimes you notice that your husband’s voice gets louder in your head when you are tired or alone. Talk back to it. Remind yourself of who God says you are. You are a person made in His image. You are worthy of care. God calls you to care for you, even if your husband does not. Those statements are not affirmations, they are facts.
Finally, stop pouring all your energy into changing him and start preparing yourself. What is this marriage showing me? What might I need to do/learn/change if things do not improve?
A healthy adult can care for herself emotionally, mentally, physically, and financially. If that feels far away right now, start small. Learn one thing. Make one decision on your own. Build one area of your life that belongs to you.
You may not know yet whether you are staying or going. That is okay. The Quick Start Guide exists for exactly this moment, when you are not sure what you are in or what your next step is. Clarity is the beginning of everything.
If you choose to stay well, what is one thing you learned to better take care of you? How will you practice that this week?
