When you think of anger, what image comes to mind? Is it a younger version of yourself at the mercy of an out-of-control parent? Maybe it’s more recent…the latest in a series of spousal tirades. Or, maybe the image that pops in your head is of yourself, losing it with your kids, your husband, or a bad driver on a bad morning.
The word anger can remind us all of memories we’d rather forget. But, it would be a mistake to think of anger itself as bad. Because it’s not. In fact, anger has done a lot of good for society. Anger has been the impetus for creating a national sex offender registry, the center for missing and exploited children, MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving), civil rights laws, and even America itself.
I work with women who have a right to be angry. They’ve dealt with infidelity, abuse, deceit, and more. What’s more, they’ve often received inadequate counseling from their churches which has served to embolden their abusive husbands. When living out this type of injustice day in and day out, it’s easy to give anger the keys to our mouth and our minds. But when we do, it leads to some pretty poor decision making.
The Bible has a lot to say about anger. James says we should be slow to become angry (James 1:19). Proverbs 29:11 says people who give full vent their anger are fools. It also describes a person without self-control as being like a city with broken down walls. Current events in Ukraine, Israel and Gaza have given us plenty of images what that looks like.
Here are a few practical ideas that will help when your temper is flaring.
- Pay attention to your body. Where do you feel your anger? In your belly? Is your heart racing, nostrils flaring? Remember, your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:19,20). Give yourself a moment before reacting in your anger. Take a few deep breaths. Count to 10. Plunge your hands in ice. Give your pre-frontal cortex (the thinking part of your brain) a minute or two to regroup.
- What about your automatic thoughts (ANTS). What are you telling yourself in your fury? Is it true? Breath again. Ask yourself and the Holy Spirit, is there another way to look at things? Remember, feelings are not facts…even your own. The facts of the situation may be provocative enough, but when we make up a negative or scary story like “she stood me up on purpose” or “My life is ruined because of what he did.” we make things much worse inside.
- Put things in perspective. Is this going to matter in five minutes, five hours, or five years? Is losing my cool and damaging these relationships in my rage really worth this fight? Always keep the bigger picture in mind. This doesn’t mean you sweep important matters under the rug but that you calm down and use your anger in a constructive way rather than venting your rage and end up being labeled as the crazy one.
- Again, Press pause. Counting to 10 (or 20) and deep breathing really does work. It gives you a moment to allow the front part of your brain some decision-making power when the emotional part of your brain is in fight-or-flight mode. During this time, stay curious about your anger. What is it about? What feels unjust and what do you need to do about it in a good way?
Anger can be used for good. But, remember, anger is often a liar. It says, “I’m right and you’re wrong.” It says, “I’m good and you’re bad.” It says, “I have the right to hurt you because you’ve hurt me.” You may recognize these beliefs in the abuser but do you recognize them in yourself?
If you’re struggling with managing anger, get help. Learn to identify and manage your triggers so you can begin to use this emotion to advocate for yourself instead of attacking others. Once you learn to do this, anger can serve a great purpose.
Our Walking in Core Strength Group Coaching program just opened its doors. If you’d like more information on how you can learn to manage your own anger or other feelings so that you grow healthier and stronger, even when angry, click here.
