October 13th 2015

What's New?

FREE Webinar – The Emotionally Destructive Marriage. Tomorrow, Oct., 14th at 7:30 PM EST. CLICK HERE for more information and claim your spot to get the replay.

Leslie On The Radio! Leslie is doing an interview with Focus On The Family. Click Here to tune in on October 30th.

People Helpers – Here Is A free Gift – my Ebook “The Art Of Asking Great Questions.” CLICK HERE to get your free copy.

How Do You Know When Someone Is Truly Sorry?

By Leslie Vernick

They do not cry out to me from their hearts but wail upon their beds.

Hosea 7:14

It’s not always easy to tell if someone is truly repentant. They may say the words, I’m sorry, or cry buckets of tears, but how do we know if their tears are for the pain they’ve caused or for the pain they are in?

The apostle Paul speaks of two kinds of sorrow, worldly sorrow that leads to death and godly sorrow that brings repentance (2 Corinthians 7:9-10). October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. I believe that it is crucial that the body of Christ learn to distinguish between the two especially if we are a people helper working with individuals in destructive relationships or ourselves are in one.

Worldly sorrow is a self-focused sorrow. It may contain great emotion, tears, and apologies, but the grief expressed is for one’s self.

The person mourns the consequences of his or her sin and what she has lost. This may be a marriage, a job, a reputation, friends and/or family, or can even be one’s own idea of who they thought they were. Here are some of the things we often hear a person say when they are sorrowing unto death.

I can’t believe I did such a thing.
Why is this happening to me?
Please forgive me – implying, please don’t make me suffer the consequences of my sin.
Why won’t he/she forgive me? (In other words, why can’t reconciliation be easy and quick?)
I’m so sorry (sad).
I’m a horrible person.
I wish I were dead.
I hate myself.

Judas is a good example of this type of sorrow (Matthew 27:3-5). After he betrayed Christ, he was seized with remorse yet it did not lead to godly repentance, but self-hatred and suicide. It is natural to feel compassion for the person suffering such emotional and spiritual pain.

However, it’s crucial to not confuse this kind of sorrow with the kind of sorrow that leads to biblical repentance, especially when you are the victim of someone’s sin or you are ministering to both the sorrowing sinner and the one who has been sinned against.

One-sided forgiveness may be granted, but biblical reconciliation is not possible when there has been no genuine repentance.

Godly sorrow demonstrates grief over one’s sinfulness toward God as well as the pain it has caused others.

John the Baptist said to the religious leaders, “Prove by the way you live that you have repented of your sin and turned to God” (Luke 3:8).

Below are eight evidences that demonstrate fruit of genuine repentance.

Accepts full responsibility for actions and attitudes, doesn’t blame others or situations.
Acknowledges sinfulness (instead of “I can’t believe I could do such a thing”).
Recognizes the effects of actions on others and shows empathy for the pain he/she’s caused.
Able to identify brokenness in detail such as abusive tactics, attitudes of entitlement, and/or areas of chronic deceit.
Accepts consequences without demands or conditions.
Makes amends for damages.
Is willing to make consistent changes over the long term such as new behaviors and attitudes characteristic of healthy relationships.
Is willing to be accountable and if needed, long term help.

In my work with couples who have experienced grievous sin, I have found that it is not sin that ends a marriage.

All couples experience sin. Rather, it is one’s blindness and refusal to acknowledge their sin and repent that makes reconciliation and healing impossible.

Am I Expecting Too Much?

See Original Pos t

Question: I’m not sure how to pose this as a question, exactly. I’ve come to the realization that I’ve bought an awful lot of relationship books – even Christian relationship books – that are basically about how to do what you need to do to make your relationship look like you want it to look.

And I’ve realized that ultimately, the focus is always about establishing my kingdom and not God’s. Many of the things I want are good things and things the Bible says should be a part of marriage. But what if my spouse, for reasons I may never know or he may never overcome, is just broken in ways that most hit me at my own brokenness? How do I know when to grieve and accept that part of suffering in marriage may be God’s will for me and when I’m asking too much or too little of my husband?

What does it mean, in a practical sense, to be comforted by God? How do I become satisfied in Him so that I can be more gracious (even, or especially, when I need to set a boundary) toward my husband?

Answer: Your question is one every married person needs to ask themselves because in every marriage, there are seasons of dryness, unhappiness, and discontent. It might be that our spouse isn’t hearing us well, doesn’t meet our needs in the way we’d like him/her to, or is deceitful, abusive, controlling, or unfaithful.

The hurt, disappointment and anger we feel can either motivate us to try harder to get what we want from our marriage, turn to another human being to satisfy us, become despairing and depressed, or that pain can turn us toward God to cling to him in a deeper way.

Interestingly, studies at the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) indicate that the highest rates for depression for both men and women are among those who are separated and divorced as well as those with high conflict marriages.

So what is the answer?

The Bible clearly affirms the importance of fellowship and relationship (Romans 12:10). The two greatest commandments God gives us have to do with loving connection (Mark 12:29-31). We are to love him first and to love others deeply from the heart (1 Thessalonians 4:9,10; 1 Peter 1:22).

Wanting good relationships and a loving marriage are godly desires. The challenge begins when we try to do just that but we don’t get the results we hoped for. How do we respond when we don’t get what we want?

Depression, anger, and anxiety result not only from relational distress (as the research has shown), but also from trying to make our human relationships give us something only God gives us. Having a good marriage can become an idolatrous desire when it becomes the centering desire of our heart and rules our life, not to mention our emotions.

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