Are You A Peacemaker or Peacekeeper?

As much as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. Romans 12:21

I hate conflict. It seems easier to just let something go, shove it under the rug, or put up with it than to risk disapproval or rejection by bringing it up. But I’ve learned that there are times in my relationships I have to be willing risk conflict in order to bring about genuine peace.

My girlfriend, Sharon, did something that bothered me and I couldn’t seem to let it go. I begged God to help me forget it, to lay it down, to forgive her, but I couldn’t. Eventually I found myself distancing myself from her because I’m not a good pretender. I felt hurt and was avoiding her because I didn’t want to be honest. I was afraid.

When you’re in this kind of dilemma, the only Biblical way out is the way of a peacemaker. You must be willing to enter into potential conflict in order to bring about true peace and reconciliation. Otherwise, the relationship will deteriorate because of unresolved hurts and anger. 

A biblical peacemaker always prepares for this kind of conversation with prayer. Ask God for his wisdom and a humble heart.

Next, write out what you want to say. By planning your words it’s more likely that they will communicate exactly what you want to say. Practice saying what you’ve written out loud. Notice your tone. Is to too harsh? Too weak? Aim for a neutral voice tone.  

Lastly, pick a time and place where it is most likely you will have the time and energy to talk this through. This is too important a conversation to do it on the fly. 

Is there someone you need to talk with to make peace? Go. Don’t put it off. Obey God and do your part. Jesus says, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God” (Matthew 5:9).

Question: Sometimes I was verbally abusive towards my husband. This came after mountains of neglect, rejection, and emotional abuse. I sometimes doubt my reconciling on this matter. I think my response makes sense under my personal circumstances and yet I acknowledge it is my responsibility to amend those ‘reactions’ to the abuse.

I am unsure if this is healthy to do especially with an abuser. In fact, I know it is not a safe idea but in the past, he used these moments as evidence of my weaknesses and it was a weakness but a weakness that came from neglect, rejection, and abuse. Am I an abuser because I responded to his gas lighting and other tactics with, sometimes, intensity? Would you consider speaking to this in an upcoming blog post? Thank you, Leslie.

Answer: I think we all can relate. At times I have responded to even minor incidents of disrespect or neglect with a sharp tongue. When my mother verbally abused me even as an adult, it was extremely hard at times for me to hold my tongue. But as a Christ-follower, we know that this is not God’s way.

So the short answer to your first question is that it’s entirely understandable and human to respond to abuse, rejection, neglect and gas lighting by others with anger and verbal abuse of your own. But as a Christian, we can do better.

August 23rd – 24th, 2016

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