It’s not uncommon for someone to “see the light” after experiencing a firm boundary or consequence. For example, your husband moved out because of repeated deceit, porn use, or emotional abuse, and now he says he’s changed. He admits he was wrong and wants to move back home. What do you do? How do you know this change is real and will mean a behavior change?
Understand this: admission of wrong or feeling bad often has nothing to do with feeling the pain he caused you, your children or your marriage. It is more about the pain he feels caused by your boundary and consequences. The Apostle Paul talks about a sorrow that leads to repentance and another kind of sorrow that leads to death in 2 Corinthians 7. There is a difference.
Let me explain what a change of heart looks like in action steps, not just words.
1. Taking full responsibility for the pain he has caused you is the first step in a true change of heart. Does your husband demonstrate compassionate care about the pain he’s caused you? Your kids? Your relationship? Does he see what he’s done and take full responsibility for it? Or does he minimize his sin, blame you, the kids, stress at work, etc and talk more about the pain you’ve caused him by your unforgiveness, your boundaries, your consequences?
2. He makes amends for the damage he’s caused. The word “sorry” is pretty useless if there isn’t real action to go with it. (Read the story of Zaccheus in Luke 19:1-10 for an example of this.) Or does your spouse believe forgiveness means amnesty after an apology? He’s upset because you still don’t trust him, or you get afraid when he raises his voice. You’re not allowed to feel hurt over what he did or said because “that’s in the past?” Or does he now demonstrate that he understands that his sin created consequences and that he needs to be gentle and patient to build a new history of safety and trust?
3. You see, over time, his willingness to do whatever it takes to change his old ways. Repeated sin becomes habitual. It takes work to build new attitudes and actions and stop old ones. Does your husband believe he can do this alone without help or accountability? Or do you see demonstrated humility to hear feedback and learn new ways of handling life from you and others?
A Change of Habit
For all of us, changing longstanding habits doesn’t happen overnight. It takes a lifetime. (That’s why a real change of heart needs to happen first. You have to want to change.) Here are some very practical things your husband (and you, for that matter) can do to begin a new way of life.
1. Keep a written daily journal: This is important to grow self-awareness. You can’t change what you can’t see. Every day, ask yourself and answer these four questions:
a. How did my body feel today? Was I tense, hungry, anxious? Did I have a headache? Was I clenching my fists? These are important physical clues to what’s happening internally.
b. How did I treat people today? Was I respectful? Detached? Engaged? Deceitful? Rude? Sarcastic? Loving?
c. Were my actions today aligned with the person I want to be?
d. In what nonsexual ways did I show my spouse she (or he) is important to me?
2. Receive feedback: Are you allowed to give your husband feedback on his progress, or is that a taboo subject? If he’s genuinely committed to changing hurtful ways, he’ll need to be open to hearing how his behaviors impact you. Without feedback, it’s impossible to grow.
3. Invite accountability: Alcoholics Anonymous, Weight Watchers, and similar programs are successful because they invite accountability. Joining a small group or asking a group of carefully selected people to regularly (weekly is good) provide accountability is crucial to the habit-changing process.
4. Recognize that growth is a life-long journey: There is no “I’ve arrived” for anyone when it comes to spiritual or emotional maturity. Understanding this and being committed to always moving forward is crucial to keep old habits from coming back.
