10 Ways To Say No Without Saying The Word No

Question: I had the privilege of watching your webinar recently and enjoyed some insight in this clip…..and now I have a question. My husband sexually assaulted me over a year ago. He thought that I was leaving him and felt it necessary to ‘demonstrate’ to me how good we were together.

I was fearful and gave into him, as often saying no to him meant he would tell me I wasn’t normal. My family became aware of the situation and went to the police who later called me and asked if I would like to talk with them.

I realized that things were quickly spinning and I declined to talk with the police saying that I needed to first talk to a counselor to make sure I wasn’t going crazy.

I was blinded by disbelief and could not grasp this as being abusive. His calling me not normal had become so repetitive through the years and I believed it.

I never follow-up with the police. My husband found out about their involvement and has accused my family of being crazy. He told me that a police report like that would make him lose his job and that would hurt our family because we wouldn’t have money.

He also said that children’s aid would get involved and our children would be taken away. In the subsequent year, my husband denied doing anything wrong. He has told family and friends that I am mentally ill and even satanic.

My question is, did I enable his behavior because I didn’t stick up for myself and ultimately shielded him from the law because of the fear he instilled in me with regards to money and my children?

I struggle with this daily and welcome your comments.

Answer: First I am sorry for what you’ve been through. Your story is not the first one told on this blog of sexual abuse in marriage but it always breaks my heart to hear it.

It’s curious to me how the one who does the wrong so easily twists things to look like you are the cause of the disastrous consequences (job loss, money problems, perhaps jail time, Child Services being involved) if you simply tell the truth about what happened.

Obviously, he knew he crossed the line when he violated you, not to mention he knew he broke the law or he wouldn’t have been so worried about you talking to the police. That said, your question is really about your part. Did you enable?

We’ve just had two blogs about fear, how it can capture us, muzzle us, and beat us silly with its lies. Here are some of the lies I hear you falling for.

Lie # 1: I’m afraid I’m not normal if I don’t want to have sex with my husband every time he wants it. Something is wrong with me.

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