Please pray for me this week. I’ve been traveling and speaking a lot with the remnants of bronchitis and I’m feeling pretty worn out. I have another speaking engagement this Saturday and I want to do a good job. Pray that God give me supernatural strength the next few days both to get ready for it and then for Saturday.
I have been posting lots of information this month for Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Videos, blogs and articles. Check them out.
Today’s Question: In the past year and a half, my spouse lied to me about things I could prove otherwise. He apologized and said, “I had to forgive him.” This response made me question his apology. We've been married 30 years and he wants to forget about all the wounds during that time and focus on the next twenty years.
I've gone to so much counseling and he did not go to any. I told him it was important to me for him to go because I wanted my feelings validated. I wanted to know “someone” heard me and I wanted someone to get through to him why I hurt and feel the way I do. He did not go.
In a heated discussion, he let it slip that “my thinking is twisted.”
I got very quiet after those remarks and refused to say any more.
Just the other day, I asked him a question about some friends who were coming to visit. I asked him if he went to college with him. He was engaged then and stayed in contact with this person throughout our marriage. He told me no, they were childhood friends. We visited with his friends and during dinner I found out that yes, indeed, these friends of his did attend college with him, three out of his four years. I didn't say anything until his friends left. It was then that I asked him why he told me they weren't at college with him the same time he was.
He told me that “they were married then,” which I had to remind him that they didn't get married until 5 years after college. I didn't ask, his friend told me their whole life story.
He gave me some other lame excuse and I told him to forget it.
I just want truth and I don't want to hurt anymore. I know he wants to live in the past; he does it regardless of my heartache. After all these years, I would like to believe that I matter.
He told me “the memories he has of Cindy (college lover/fiancé) were very special and he cherishes those memories.”
I know God sees the tears I shed and the loneliness I feel.
I do not think I am out of line to expect straight answers.
Answer: God does see your tears and loneliness as he did Hagar’s when she was all alone in the desert. She said, “The God who sees, sees me (Genesis 16:13). This will be important to remember as you face some hard truths.
As I have said numerous times, healthy people live in reality, not fantasy. Do I think it is unreasonable for you to expect straight answers from your spouse? No I do not. But I do think, considering your husband’s history, that it is unrealistic for you to expect you will get straight answers from him.
Here’s what looks obvious to me from what you write. Over the past year and a half your husband has lied to you. He says you have to forgive him but he doesn’t have to change. He refused to go to counseling with you despite your requests for it. He thinks your thinking is twisted, so he doesn’t give your feelings or thoughts much credibility. You asked him straight out if his friends were from college and he lied again.
What about the previous 28 years of marital history? What has that been like? Is this lying and indifference to your feelings new behavior or is it just more of the same only worse?
On the one hand you say he wants you to forget about all the past wounds and focus on the next 20 years. By that I’m assuming that there have been many more incidents of lying and wounding than within the past year and a half. But what does he want to focus on in the future if you believe “he just wants to live in the past regardless of your heartache?”
Right now he seems quite clear that he is going to do and say what he pleases regardless of the impact on you.
I know that it must be hard hear such strong truth, like getting a bucket of cold water dumped on your head, but I see you are struggling to accept reality. You say, “After all these years I would like to believe that I matter.” Of course you would like to believe that you matter, but recent evidence shows the contrary. He acts like you don’t matter. What has previous history shown over the course of your 30 year marriage. When have YOU mattered?
If his behaviors are more of a temporary lapse in judgment and your previous marital history shows caring and honesty, then you might implement consequences and separate, hoping that he will wake up to his deceit and his inappropriate infatuation with his previous fiancé. However, if this is just more of the same pattern of behavior that you’ve lived with for 30 years, I’m not sure why you would expect anything to be different now.
|To be healthy, you have to live in truth and you have to tell yourself the truth instead of living in what you wish were true.|
If you face the painful reality that you don’t matter that much to him, what does that mean for you now?
Friends: What was it like when you had to face the cold, ugly truth about where your marriage was? What did you do to move forward in a healthy way?