Why Do Women Tolerate So Much Pain and Suffering in Relationships?
Hello friends! September brings a shift in schedules and expectations for many. Because I always close out August with my birthday, Labor Day weekend becomes a time of reflection and the start of a new year of life for me. I had the opportunity to spend some time by the lakeside contemplating changes that stemmed from leaving a long-term destructive relationship a few years ago. I understand, all too well, this reader’s question. Perhaps you have been pondering this same thing. Let’s start a discussion.
Today’s Question: Why is it that we as women will tolerate so much pain and suffering while in a marriage relationship and will do everything we can to try to work things out and stay in the relationship? And by this I mean, not counting the obvious reasons why so many women stay because of financial issues and the kids. Are we so weak, broken, needy, or codependent to tolerate any type of treatment rather than the very best that we deserve as God’s daughters? This is a question that I ask myself continually after reading the questions and stories from all the women who write to you for advice. Women in very destructive situations still want to work hard to save their relationships. Why do we do that to ourselves? Why do we want to stay and live this way? Can you explain?
Susan’s Response: This is something I get asked quite often and I think we could spend a lot of time on this question. There are many reasons why a woman might stay in a relationship, especially a covenant marital relationship, even though there is a pattern of harm being done. The obvious reasons you listed are not to be minimized as they can be significantly important to a woman. Let’s briefly look at some of the other reasons a woman might try to tolerate a destructive relationship.
From what I have experienced and what I hear from others, no woman wants to live with destructive relationship patterns. For many, the desire is not to stay but leaving is difficult for a multitude of reasons. Destructive relationships are complex and there has not been adequate support or teaching about how to navigate them. Many don’t fully recognize the destructive patterns and don’t know their options. Covert abuse is very difficult to describe and therefore difficult to communicate to others about what is happening.
If you are concerned that you may be tolerating unnecessary pain and suffering in your relationship and are wondering what options you have, visit https://leslievernick.com/free-resources/ to learn more.
In the Christian community particularly, a lack of support and poor teaching have been harmful to women in destructive relationships, compounding pain and suffering. Manipulation, exploitation of power, and misuse of scripture contribute to a woman’s desire to keep the relationship intact. Thoughts and feelings of guilt convince them to analyze situations from the abuser’s perspective and blame themselves. They are encouraged to cling to the hope that with God’s help, they can cause the abuser to change. However, love and loyalty can only help a person change when they are internally motivated to undergo a heart change. This misassignment of responsibility can increase the harm being done.
Creating further challenges, the effects of the destructive partner’s behaviors start to be identified as the reason for the relationship problems. Here are some examples. A wife’s anxious comments, stemming from a loss of safety, start to take the blame for the husband’s distance or staying out all night. Her depressive symptom of not cleaning like she once did becomes the reason he yells and berates her. Those who are not trained in power and control dynamics equalize the harm being done. When women are blamed, they are often too embarrassed, ashamed, and confused to expose what is actually going on in the relationship.
Poor spiritual teaching can actually aid in harmful trauma bonding. Trauma bonding in a significant relationship occurs when the one being controlled feels a sense of obligation to the one who is abusing power. In many cases, the woman feels a duty to her husband and a commitment to his happiness at all costs. In these destructive relationships, there is a presence of negative reinforcement mixed with sporadic positive reinforcement that creates confusion and difficulty with breaking away. The cycle of abuse contains periods of false repair or love bombing and periods of calm. These behaviors are covertly manipulative and cause disorientation. If destructiveness was the only phase, many would likely not tolerate the constant pain and suffering.
Tradition, patriarchy, and cultural norms have historically kept women inordinately weaker and in need of male support. It took a long time for women to have the right to vote, open a credit card, get a loan, or establish an independent bank account. Women have danced to the song, Stand By Your Man, for many years. We have been told, strong women make men weaker. These attitudes have limited women and this type of thinking is harmful.
The mind is powerful. The thoughts a woman allows in her mind impact her behavior. Fear of failure, harsh judgments, limiting beliefs, distorted thoughts, and distorted sense of self-worth can all keep a woman stuck in a harmful situation. When lies are believed, the truth of God is dampened and a woman’s purpose becomes thwarted.
Many women risk losing family, friends, and church community when they leave destructive relationships. Intense loss and loneliness are the result; this can keep some women stuck. After all, having a supportive community is a necessity to healthy living. It can be difficult to find a community that understands the intricacies of relational power and control dynamics.
Not to be missed, leaving could be very dangerous. When you are in a destructive relationship, using the acronym DANGEROUS can help to identify warning signs to pay attention to. D- Divorce: if you have mentioned leaving, whether by separation or divorce, your danger increases. A- Alcohol: your degree of danger increases when the destructive person in your life abuses drugs or alcohol. N- Narcissistic tendencies: pay careful attention if the person you are in relationship with is highly self-centered, lacks empathy, and has little regard for you as a person. G- Guns: When there is possession of guns or weapons, the danger increases. E- Emotional instability: Be alert to mental illness. R- Rebellious toward authority: Lack of respect for authority and resistance to accountability are warning signs. O- Other violent behaviors: A history of violence or abuse toward self, others, or pets, is a great predictor of future danger. U- Unpredictable: When someone displays different personalities in public than in private or has a secret life of some sort, that is a warning sign. S- Suicidal: suicidal and homicidal threats should be taken seriously and are warning signs of danger. Being in a destructive relationship can be dangerous, but leaving one can be even more so.
It is not just women; the truth is, all human beings are weak, broken, and needy. The prophet Job, in verses 1-4 of chapter 14, states that we are all born weak and helpless. All lead the same short, troubled lives. We grow and wither as quickly as flowers; we disappear like shadows. Nothing clean can ever come from anything as unclean as human beings. We are told in Romans 3:10 that there is no one righteous, not even one, and in 3:23 that all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.
We all search for things outside of God’s will to manage our weakness, hide our brokenness, and comfort our neediness. Often we depend on things of this world more than we depend on God. How weakness, brokenness, and neediness play out in each of our lives may look different, but these qualities are similarities we all share.
What is keeping you in a place of unnecessary suffering and pain? What would it take to surrender it to God? How could you rely on Him to show His strength even in your weakness? In what ways could you trust Him to fulfill your needs even when your future is uncertain?
Leslie Vernick & Company has an amazing education and support group, called Conquer, which can provide you with healthy tools to make a difference in your wellbeing as well as a community of women who understand your hardship. The Conquer membership opens in a few weeks; click the link to be added to the waiting list.
Be Well!
Beloved reader, what has kept you tolerating destructive patterns in your relationship? Share your #whyIstayed
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Compassion — seeing the suffering of another person and believing that it is my responsibility when I see suffering to try do whatever possible to alleviate it, even at great cost to myself
Thank. you for sharing, Lisa!
Compassion is a good one. It’s hard to see someone hurt and not want to help even if that someone has hurt or is hurting you.
Some other reasons I stayed:
-Fighting to keep family in tact
-Practical reasons like kid care and household
-periods of peace
-just enough change to give hope or the fake impression of real change
-honeymoon period post abuse incident
-pleading and promises from him
– threats of killing himself if I left
-lots of seemly “rock bottom” moments souring some change (that plays out to be short lived)
-mistaken ideas on forgiveness and Gods hate of divorce
-grief over the loss of life you had envisioned
-difficulty letting go of the good you do see in the person
-procrastinating the difficult move of divorce
-the crazy making that occurs from being gaslit for years. Trying to sort that all out. So you can make a clear headed decision
-high pain tolerance
And more…sigh. It is complicated even when it seems to an outsider not to be.
Fear. Fear of what he would do to me if I left. Fear that he would take the children. Fear of financial abandonment. Fear that some family and close friends would side with him because I didn’t tell them about the abuse. Fear of the loss of church family. Fear of disappointing God because I failed in marriage. All of those things happened to some degree (except alienation from God) because he’s a very destructive person, but when left with no choice, I had to leave. It’s amazing what a woman can tolerate (for so many reasons) AND what she can survive because of God alone.
This was such a good response. I left my 34 year marriage almost 3 years ago. It was the hardest thing I’d ever done. Then today I ready the DANGEROUS acronym and boy am I glad I didn’t know about that when I left! I might have been more afraid. But it’s so crucial to the equation to be prepared. It’s 100% spot on! Your description of the covertness of the abuse is accurate and helpful to help people understand what happens because it’s so hard to see what is actually happening when you’re in it. Thank you ALL for the Bible-based teachings and help. I have been so blessed by this group!
Church teaching that a good wife stays, prays and makes it work! Also when I finally reached out to my pastoral team, I was ignored and dismissed – left alone to figure it out. Man-centric teaching in my church for 30+ years caused a lot of wrong thinking on my part. I have since broken away from that and am getting go Christian counseling. Coupled with chronic illness, I have to stay because of insurance but I’m leaning to distance my self from destructive patterns. We live as roommates, married on paper only. Not easy but I don’t ave thave an option.
Tha k you for your ministry!! .
I could have written this as well Kelli. This is not the marriage relationship I expected to have either… I wish it was easier, or rather more available to find local support and affordable counseling for trauma survivors. My health and finances have taken a huge hit while trying to heal & get myself into a healthier environment. Thank God for Leslie and her ministry. It helped to open my eyes as well as give me the vocabulary to communicate what’s happening.
Totally agree. The church teaches God hates divorce, shut up & pray. Male pastors cannot empathize with women in toxic, emotionally destructive relationships.
Physical abuse is clear (get out) but emotional and verbal abuse is a very gray area, especially in the church.
Best to you, You have made a very wise decision to live separately under the circumstances
So sorry to hear that you encountered the same as me. I am still living under the same roof but I am planning to leave because after 19 years married and patterns getting worse although we have been to counseling (that is what they call it) for 4,5 years and it only got worse. They did not believe me for two years and now they told me to stay, because God has called me to be a submissive wife. (I had nearly zero boundaries and tried so hard to please the man I married) Sometimes I wish he had hit me and not the door or the wall where I stood. so it is “only” emotional and mental abuse … but I know that God has seen and heard everything.
I am sorry you are among the many harmed by poor teaching. We are here to support you, Kelli!
I was caught in a destructive marriage for many many years. I felt so powerless. I was able to wait until my children were grown, and then I made a plan. I started by getting a part-time job. It’s all I had the strength to do. Then it turned into a full-time job. I saved money. I gained confidence. I felt my options open up. Finally, when the time was right, and I had a very clear release from the Lord, I initiated a divorce. By then I was peddling my own bike so to speak, and it made the transition out of my marriage easier. None of it was easy, but it was doable. I am much stronger, healthier, and happier now , even though I miss the intactness of my family. I’ve been single for seven years and take delight in the fact that I am betrothed to my Lord and Savior and one day there will be my marriage to Him to look forward to!
What a story of strength and resilience, Nancy! Thanks for sharing.
It’s my fault. I’m not the Christian wife I should be. I’ve been married and divorced twice already. What will God do to me if I walk out a third time. I’m crazy…I allowed a diagnosis of clinical depression which led to years of being on all different medications. One of them made me feel suicidal. Our teenage children thought I was crazy and I allowed that presumption because I believed I was. In the end just before our 36 anniversary he’s the one who walked out leaving me angry, resentful, hurt beyond measure. I poured myself into a couple strong Bible studies that began my journey to being made well. Finding Leslie and her Core training is hopefully the next right thing for me to do to continue my journey of being made well. I
Thank you so much for this very important posting.
I have recently left my husband for the first time I could when I felt thrown under the bus by his high control.. I am safe 1000 miles away with 3 of my daughters who are a support. He is demanding that I come back so we can talk face to face which I know will be full of his control, manipulation, demeaning.
He has all the DANGEROUS signs.
Hi all I’m currently separated from my husband at first it was very hard and some days were better than others but doing research online and praying I have seen some progress because our interaction has improved and he even was at our home yesterday for a while. However I’m still going to resume seeking God’s direction as he ultimately knows the plans he has for us and what’ll be the outcome. Thankfully my spouse is not using any substances however what occurred in our situation was due to messages I found and he left later that day while I was at work. I really do love him and would like to work things out but I know God will work it out for my good as he always does. I encourage anyone going through this or something similar to seek refuge in God for only he can give you the love and direction you need to have peace so you may overcome the struggles you’re facing.
I have stayed for 19 years because: 1. I believed that God would abandon me if I left my marriage cause I had no Biblical authority to leave ie (adultery or abondonment)… I should forgive and die to self as we are called to do as a faithful, loving, Christian wife, anyhow, would God really care on judgement day about how my husband stonewalls, gaslights or gets angry so easily! 2. I had young children and was concerned of ever having to leave them alone with him if we divorced and he would have access. 3. I believed his lies that he would tell me that he was so good to me, a strong provider, always lifted me up and loving towards me, that many, many woman would love to be in my place and that I didnt love him or respect or appreciate him and wasnt a good wife…because I truly did grow to disdain him for how he treated me and the kids. I had resentment and unforgiveness towards him and felt, cried and prayed that “if only I could love him better, why cant I just love him? It’s
true, I must be the problem in this marriage, God help me to love him, what’s wrong with me??.” 4. Finally, because I didnt know how to be strong in who God made me to be, to love myself, to forgive but not enable. I didnt value who I was as an image bearer of God!
Susan- Thank you . Very timely post. That summarizes things very well.
I fear losing the family that I sacrificed so much of myself to keep intact. With four married children and 11 grandchildren, we spend a lot of time all together at the lake in the summer and during holiday times the rest of the year. Two families are within minutes of our house and are here often. I have longed to live on my own for decades but it has seemed impossible to have a conversation about this or about anything that I have experienced in this marriage, without the conversation eventually being about him and how he will continue to “fight” to keep this marriage together. Even though he has changed and has asked forgiveness, he cannot get past his own shame to be interested in hearing about me and my hurt / anger, so there has been no repair just a repeated confirmation that he wants to “move forward” and “have fun”. I do not desire a divorce, but the tension I feel in his presence every day is exhausting. We live in a very, very small town and living apart, even though I believe that I could tolerate the situation well, would have strong implications for his very Catholic family and for his feelings of embarrassment in the community and church.
I stayed to fight for the spiritual deliverance of the man I love. But the day came when he forbid me to pray for him that way, even in private. My children also started opening up and telling me about the way they were treated behind my back.
My prayers for my husband did not have the effectiveness they once had. His rage at me was misdirected to the children. He was wilfully placing them in danger on a regular basis. They were almost losing their minds with fear and pain.
The Lord clearly spoke to me: “You have done all you could for your husband. Your children need you to do what’s best for them. Get out of the way and let ME deal with this man.”
We left with 40 dollars cash, and two changes of clothes each. You don’t want to know the long list of chronic illnesses on my record. A few months before, I had nearly died from a chronic leukemia. But when God said GO, He also made it possible.
My husband is suing for custody. I was supposed to start a new job two days ago and instead the children and I are all sick! But GOD IS FAITHFUL.
We have not starved and we have always had a safe place to stay. The Lord provided a sponsor so my children can be in a Christian School. The principal has a masters in special education and 4 years of experience with autism and I was stressing about sending my autistic son to school! God got us a vehicle and paid it off before I even found a job.
I quote one of my advocates: HE TAKES GOOD CARE OF HIS GIRLS. HES A GOOD DADDY!
Susan, your 2nd, 3rd, and 4th paragraphs were spot on for me. Also the DANGEROUS acronym was vital for me.
My Christian counselor recommended I read Leslie’s book The Emotionally Destructive Marriage when he saw I was not able to explain, much less understand, what was happening in my marriage. It was like turning on the light in a pitch black room that I had been trying to navigate but wasn’t able to because it was too dark.
It felt disorienting at first to begin to see what was really happening and how someone could be purposefully cruel in playing on my compassion and sensitive conscience. But once I could begin to see it helped me navigate a terrible reality that I wasn’t safe and I did need to allow the marriage to end. That it was okay if everyone thought I was to blame as long as I was safe. (The reality is that not everyone believed that, but that was my fear)
I also chose to stay for so long because I believe whole heartedly in keeping that covenant promise “til death do us part”. Because of my love for the Lord and His Name, I chose to persevere because, as Susan explained, I didn’t understand my options and the whole concept of healthy boundaries. I also believed that my reactions to my lack of safety (not that I consciously understood that’s what I was reacting to) were a big part of the problem, so I tried to work on myself.
In a covertly abusive relationship our reactions are loud and obvious, while the abuse is seemingly invisible to the rest of the world, and if I’m honest even to the one being abused at times.
All that confusion makes it hard to understand what’s going on and how to alleviate the pain and chaos.
It’s not always codependency, weakness, or neediness that keep us in a broken and destructive relationship, sometimes it’s sheer confusion.
I do want to say, if you are in that type of relationship, you absolutely need professional help from someone who understands the complexities of what Susan described. It is too hard to reorient yourself to reality when someone has played with your mind and emotions for so long. The wonderful news is that there is life and freedom once you take the step to getting the right help. Pastors are generally not the best place to get help, they don’t have the training to understand the power play and all that it entails.
God is good and faithful and He will not forsake you if you have to walk away with nothing. He will provide and open doors you never knew existed. Learning to walk by faith has been really challenging and terrifying for me at times, but God has blessed me abundantly more than I even knew to ask. He is truly a faithful Father who will guide you each step of the way. I don’t know what each day holds, but I have more confidence and hope now than I have for many years. It feels like the abundant life I was created to have.
Thank you for using your story to encourage others, Holly! I appreciate your wise words.
My first marriage was destroyed by adultery thru husband. I single parented for years, one with Autism. 17 years later I married another time. Little to my knowledge this man would behave in the same manor. What hurts is he knew of my past and my accomplishments with my kids. He decided that it didn’t pertain to him. That my past did not matter in my present marriage. I have been dealing with someone who is not interested in a Godly marriage, excusing himself that he is “sinner” and feel it’s ok. I worked at whatever I could do to improve our situation., but he presents me with more trouble. How long does a wife stay, how long does a wife have to suffer in a loveless marriage. We are currently separated. He is signing up for his healing and says he wants this marriage. I am scarred now but I am pursuing my peace through family. One step at a time.
I chose to stay for so long because I wanted to keep my promises: “until death do us part.” While I had counseled friend to separate from her violent husband for safety’s sake, I did not think my own marriage was abusive, just profoundly confusing and anxiety inducing. All my attempts to love my ex, support him, communicate lovingly and simply/clearly, and generally keep the peace and tried to please him, seemed to have zero impact with his satisfaction with me, and in some cases seemed to make things worse. When my Christian counsellor advised me to read Leslie Vernick’s book, and directed me to a domestic violence women’s support group, I told him: “But I am not abused?!”
But as I read her book, it was like the fog lifted. A psychologist friend of mine told me to stop believing my ex’s words, and start believing his actions. Between the book, and that advice, my confusion began to shift to understanding. Only once I understood the destructive dynamics in my marriage, was I able to begin to set healthier boundaries and begin to make better choices for myself – hoping that this would also include an “us”. The boundaries just further revealed how deeply set the issue were, sadly.
I am 7 years since starting this journey. I expect I will always be sad that my marriage didn’t have a different outcome once healthier boundaries were introduced, however, I will always be glad for learning that God’s will for me (and him) was not the destructiveness of our marriage.
I look forward to these messages in email because it lets me know I am on the right path. As I grow and heal I can see so many situations in my marriage where red flags were but didn’t know what was going on or how to deal with it. As the others said it was something I was just suppose to endure.
But a couple of years ago I was so miserable health wise and mentally , after 44 yrs living with a covert emotional and spiritual abuser I lost who I was in life. I started reading and realized I needed to have a voice in my marriage and make my own decisions. Moving forward, I left the spiritually abusive church I was in, moved to a new town where I could go places myself and started doing things that made me happy. My husband constantly judges me but I told him I’m not going back to that woman you want me to be and except me for who I am or I will move on. I am preparing to move forward without him. I have the support of my children as well. He has promised to seek professional help but not holding my breath. The hardest part of this process is knowing I gave him all my adult life and he never really loved me or respected me for ME. I’m taking one step at a time as I continue to heal and grow stronger and maybe that step out of the front door forever. We will see. Your support is vital for me to survive and start loving life. Thank you!
I have done some counseling with women who are in destructive relationships, and one thing I have seen , that wasn’t mentioned here, is growing up in a dysfunctional family. When a person has grown up witnessing abusive behavior, they can form the believe that it is normal. Codependency has its roots in this phenomenon. This can be an important factor in getting out of an abusive marriage when there are children witnessing the abuse. You don’t want them to replicate this behavior in their own future marriages.
JoAnn, Wow your comment really hit home for me! That idea never occurred to me. I came from a very dysfunctional family (which I thought was very normal) and now I have been married to a p*rn addict for 40 years. I never heard my parents say one kind word to each other, yet they stay married. In my marriage there is intimacy anorexia.
So true! Thank you for pointing this out, JoAnn!.
The confusion for me is when I take the quiz a lot of my answers are “Yes, except”. Does he ask me for my opinion? Yes, except he tries to convince me his way is better until I give in. The joke in our family is that “It’s his world, and we get to live in it”.
Does he take responsibility? Yes, except the changes don’t last and he repeats the behaviors.
Is he willing to talk about our problems? Yes, except that I “joke” that if it wasn’t for me, there would be peace in the middle east.
Does he use the Bible to correct his own life? When it gets really bad, he fasts and prays and repents and says that God has shown him how I deserve a better husband, and he is going to make changes, but they are temporary. He also uses the Bible to show me how I should be better. (Do I use the Bible to correct my own life? No, I stopped reading the Bible years ago because all I see are my failures.)
I ask myself all the time, “Is it bad enough yet?” I compare my story to the other women and mine isn’t as extreme. He doesn’t hit me, but he has raised his hand to me. He doesn’t scream and yell, but he does give me the silent treatment (which is actually a reprieve from the nagging). He hasn’t had an affair or watch porn, although he does look at partially clothed large breasted women on the internet and compare me to them. He doesn’t spend irresponsibly but I am the breadwinner because he can’t keep a steady job.
When I decide it is bad enough, he love bombs me and then I think about all the ways I am part of the problem, and that I am making things worse than they are and need to stop being a drama queen (my words, not his.) I feel guilty because I don’t want to work on my marriage. I don’t want to go to counseling. We did that the last time we separated. His counselor said that we needed to fix our “communication” problem. My counselor said that if I let him come back that she wouldn’t continue to work with me because she’s not a marriage counselor. He begged to come back saying that it was the only way he could prove he had changed. I didn’t want him to come back but let him because he wore me down with his constant asking. I left my counselor. And here we are three years later. I’m tired of living in the cycle and I’m tired of living with the anxiety.
Is it bad enough?
You have come to the right place, dear sister. Here you will find women who have experienced the same things that you have in your marriage. No one- not priests nor counselors could help me understand what was going on in my marriage. Then I found Leslie’s book, videos and Conquer program. I was able to finally understand what I had experienced, find healing and safely make it to the other side! Before I filed for divorce, I prayed, ‘God, you know I don’t want to do this, that I have done everything to avoid this, but I see this is the next step. I surrender to you, Jesus. Not my will but Yours.’
My life as a divorced Catholic woman with 3 children hasn’t been easy, but I can see how my healing has brought about the healing in my children. We have been set free!
I separated after I realised that God loves me more than marriage, and I needed to put God first, not my H. I realised that I had created an idol out of my H and my marriage. Once I realised that, H was happy to separate.
I was in an emotionally destructive marriage for 40 years. I was worn down, stuck, confused. My circumstances were fraught with financial abuse. Because of this, I had to leave without a plan. I had to believe God’s miracles would meet me, I had no other choice. I was facing many health issues as a result of the chronic stress and abuse. To add insult to injury, I had to leave my job because of another long standing abusive scenario. I felt like I was being hit from every side. I literally fell apart. I am still in the midst of very dire circumstances. What should I have done differently? Nothing! Staying was not an option. I know God will breakthrough for me. He Who has promised is faithful. Despite what still surrounds me, what does me look like today? I am confident, becoming more emotionally aware, I set boundaries, I stand up for myself…. the list goes on. So despite what you are in or still facing today, don’t give up hope. Your God WILL show up mightily on your behalf.
Hi Susan,
I wrote a comment yesterday morning and it said it was under review and yet I dont see it posted here. I didnt fill in the “website” portion as I didnt understand what was required to be inputed there. Could you please explain for me? Thank you.
Sandra
Sandra, we don’t see your comment here waiting for approval probably because you didn’t fill out the rest. We do monitor the comments because there are so many trolls and bots floating around that we want to keep this conversation constructive and free from spam.
Sunflower, please reach out to Leslie’s team. They can help you! They have helped me, post divorce, to understand and sort through the symptoms caused by decades of dysfunctional, emotionally destructive abuse. There is healing ahead for you, with the Lord’s guidance. (I may have stayed too long, and now pray that my young adult offspring will discern what really happened without being scarred.)
Susan, Thank you for writing such an insightful and comprehensive post. I have been married 34 years and am not financially dependent on my husband (and never have been). I have been a member of Conquer in the past, and I’ve done all the right things — and even consider myself a reasonably strong person. Despite that, I remain very sad about my marriage and resentful toward my husband. Yet, I stay. This post helped me gain so much insight into myself and reasons for staying that I had not explored, or at least not much in depth. I am going to re-read this post many times. Again, thank you.
Thank you, all. There is so much insight here. I am recently separated from the first serious relationship I opened myself up to after divorce 22 years ago. It is helpful to know that the cycle of abuse and confusion is common. For me, he seemed to be taking significant steps that would help. I related most concerns to the process of healing after divorce.
I will add that my pastor at the time of my divorce was so good to me! He listened and then told me “that is not a marriage and is not what God intended for you.” The pastor who followed spent four hours ministering to me as we talked through preparation of the narrative for my annulment. A priest that I confessed to several times during this relationship leaned in and gave me clear guidance several times and even met with me outside of the confessional to help me see things clearly. My pastor now has given me deliverance prayers that are very powerful and have been the primary thing that helped me to sleep in the early weeks of separation and confusion. It is so twisted.
Please don’t give up on the extraordinary graces God gives us in and through His Church. The destructive spirits challenge all of us for whom evil is foreign, but we are learning.
I was told by a previous pastor that I just needed to forgive. He did not say a word to my husband. Never went back for counseling. Things never changed. I don’t leave as we have a disabled adult child that we both care for. I live my own life and he lives his. Married 39 years. We still interact but have no relationship.
Other possible reasons:
Optimism – a genuine belief (although misplaced!) that things can and will get better.
Humility – realising we are all flawed and offering forgiveness and seeing the other’s perspective.
Projection (in line with the two points above) – causing you to think that the other person is like you, or thinks like you, of feels like you, or takes responsibility for themselves like you do. 🙂