Why Do I Keep Trying to Connect?
Happy October, friends! The fall harvest is a time of year when people celebrate the fruits of their labor and reap the rewards of their hard work. It's a time to give thanks for the bounty of crops, share food and gifts, and prepare for winter. But what if there is no fruit to harvest? What if you have done all you can do and the conditions are not favorable to growth? In the farming community, this might be called harvest failure. For many in this community, the longing is for lasting fruit in relationships. It is important to change what can be changed and to accept the conditions that can not. Acceptance may lead to a new and more prosperous plan.
Today's Questions: Why do I keep trying to connect with someone who doesn't have the capacity? I recognize it in me, but I don't know how to work on it.
Susan’s Response: My heart goes out to you. This is a difficult and painful challenge. This is a struggle that will resonate with many of our readers. Thank you for the question.
Connection, love, and belonging are innate needs. They have evolved from our primal need for safety, survival, and healthy development. From the beginning, God hardwired these needs into our brains. Science now shows us that the region of the brain that craves food also craves connection, and the same part of the brain that experiences physical pain also experiences social exclusion. Research confirms that people who don't feel loved or belong are more likely to experience loneliness, social anxiety, and clinical depression. God knows that belonging to something outside of ourselves helps us form an identity. Connection is important for healthy relationships and development. For these reasons, you may continue to try to connect, even when it is clear that the desire for connection is not reciprocated.
For a moment, give yourself permission to connect to yourself with curiosity and compassion. Here are a few questions to ask yourself to gain a deeper understanding about what is going on within you. What does continually trying to connect look like in your situation? How do you know that the other person does not have the capacity for connection? What do you notice within yourself, your thoughts, feelings, and body sensations? It is important to gain a clear view of what needs to be changed before making a plan on how to work towards something more healthy.
Our experience with connection began even before we were born. Think back to your earliest memories and primary relationships; what were those like? Were your needs met? Did you feel valued and cared for? What did you do when you were hurt or sad? What were the results? Unconsciously, you might seek partners who replicate that dynamic because it feels normal or familiar.
Think about what may have attracted you to your partner. Perhaps you once felt comfortable with someone who kept an emotional distance even if you later changed and matured. Maybe there was a time when your self-esteem was so low that it felt reassuring to chase someone who was hard to get and would reinforce your negative self beliefs. It is also possible that you longed to help your loved one reach their potential and you desired to be the one to fix them.
Or perhaps you felt loved and adored in childhood and were rarely left with unmet needs. You may not have known that destructive people purposely present well early in relationships in order to groom their prey. You may have been blindsided by abuse after a period of time that felt loving.
I can imagine that whatever the reason, you are now grappling with feelings of grief and loss of expectations. Grief should not be treated lightly. Allow yourself the time and energy it takes to move through the grief in order to gain acceptance of what is true. Here are some steps you can take to care for yourself while grieving. Name the loss, feel the loss, accept the truth of reality, be kind to yourself through the grief, and finally, make a plan to move forward.
So, how can you work on the problem you are realizing? Awareness is the first step. You have recognized something about yourself. Continue to explore your own past and present patterns. Allow yourself the time to feel the discomfort of the emotions. Let go of maladaptive methods of relating and learn healthy strategies of engagement. Let go of your unmet desires to connect with those who are not capable or unwilling. Grieve and accept reality. Gain experience with secure relationships with yourself, God, and others who are striving to be healthy. Re-define your identity and value who you are in Christ.
You were created to desire connected and secure relationships. God created humankind in His image. He gives us the example of the trinity as a unified and secure example of relationship. He calls us to Himself for connection and security. His message is this in Numbers 23:19, “God is not a man, so He does not lie, He is not human, so He does not change His mind. Has He ever spoken and failed to act? Has He ever promised and not carried it through?” In other words, He can be trusted, He does not lie, He keeps His promises, and He will never change His mind about us. This may not be true in any human relationship you have ever had.
God calls us to stay connected to Him in order to find connection to our eternal value. John 15:5 The Message version reads, “I am the Vine; you are the branches. When you're joined with me and I with you, the relationship is intimate and organic, the harvest is sure to be abundant. Separated, you can't produce a thing.”
If you are struggling to find godly, healthy connections and are feeling confused about your destructive relationship dynamics, the Conquer education and support group may be a right next step for you. Check out the details at leslievernick.com/joinconquer to learn more. This program only opens to new members twice per year and the time is now. Doors close on October 4th and they will not open again until the spring.
Be well!
Beloved readers, What steps have you taken in order to let go of unmet desires for connection with a loved one who is not willing or capable? How have you found secure connections with yourself, others, and God?
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Thank you. Exactly what I needed to read today. May God continue to bless you and your work to help others.
Thank you, Veronica! Blessings to you!
As much as I want him to, my H doesn’t have the capacity for emotional intimacy. I have stopped expecting this from him and have increased other connections including my family, women’s Bible study, support groups, and conquer members. I hope to gain clarity about his willingness to grow during our (soon) separation while he continues a men’s Bible study, we see a therapist who will meditate our separation., and hopefully specialized recovery support. It is not ok with me to allow my kids to grow up witnessing a disconnected at best and abusive at worst marriage.
Good for you for having the courage and wisdom to take healthy steps. It’s not easy, but it’s definitely worth it. And the RIGHT therapist will be able to tell you whether he’s truly trying or not. Warmly In Christ, Laura Petherbridge
Megan, it is heartbreaking to experience disconnection in marriage. I sounds like you are caring for yourself well. Thanks for sharing!
I have been battling with this myself !! Thank goodness for the information today praise God .battling loneliness in conn
Thanks for being a part of the community, Kathleen!
Thank you for your question. I can definitely relate. I have a deep longing in my heart for my husband and for connection, authenticity and it just isn’t possible with some people. It means giving up my dream of what I thought my life would be and it is very painful. But maybe God is making all things new and is working all things for my good. I have hope because maybe God has plans for me and my children better than I could have ever imagined. I just need to move forward with my divorce so he can bless me and I am not stuck in limbo forever.
Nicole, Such wise words! Thank you for sharing.
My H and I have been separated for 18 months. He doesn’t initiate contact with me or try to reconcile. But, if I initiate conversation he will (to a point) engage back by text. This weekend we saw each other (again my initiation) for the first time in many months. We talked I mostly about innocuous things and later he texted that he enjoyed talking to me since that was the longest conversation he’d had with anyone other than his Dad in months (he’s a loner for sure). I keep praying for confirmation of whether to move forward with divorce and this encounter left me more confused and sad than clear. My needs are never met and yet I know if I pushed him, he’d go along with possibly reuniting but we separate twice before and I’m always the one to push to reunite. I want to be wanted and pursued and valued. He will be ok to stay married and stay like this indefinitely and I feel stuck. My closest Christian friends and therapist all say he abandoned our marriage by his behavior. My main concern is I don’t want to disobey the Lord. I am longing for clarity and to be at peace to either stay in this or move forward. I don’t trust my H. I love him but I can’t trust him. Appreciate any insights!
I recently filed for legal separation following months of the silent treatment, and then a hugely uncharacteristic decision to purchase a car without my agreement. We’ve had an emotionally destructive relationship riddled with lies and financial infidelity for years. But he’d always cycle out of it and apologize. I held him accountable for his poor behavior in June and he stopped speaking to me then and went on a full smear campaign against me to friends and family. It’s been devastating. This is the longest stretch of anger he’s ever displayed in our 22 years of marriage and he doesn’t seem like himself at all. It feels very midlife crisis like – and almost like there may be an affair. My filing was to protect me and the kids financially and to force him from the home since he had refused to leave on his own. Though it’s not divorce (because I want to leave room for reconciliation) it does feel like it because there are lawyers and court involved. He’ll have to pay support during this time since he was failing to support our family over the last few months. He’s been served and is still completely silent, unresponsive to me and making our home feel toxic. It’s a very slow process to have him removed. Though my church and friends are supportive of the filing, I continue to second guess myself. I don’t want to lose my marriage. I love him even though he’s been horrible to me. What is wrong with me that I am grief stricken over someone who acts as though he doesn’t care whether I live or die? I’m praying for God to help me be strong but I miss him terribly and just want my marriage back. This is so hard. Please pray for me. I feel like I’m losing my mind. This isn’t what I wanted for my life.
Jessica, I can hear the grief in your words. Thank you for being a part of this community that cares for others. May God hold your heart as you grieve and may He give you strength and clarity to continue to make wise decisions for yourself and your children. I pray you know that God is with you!