Why Do I Feel Guilty?
Morning friend,
We just celebrated Good Friday and Resurrection Sunday. But I’ve been stuck pondering Saturday. The day between the horror and the hope. The day for the silent pause of not knowing yet still waiting. The “not yet” space we all hate to be in.
I wonder if most of life feels like Saturday. The not yet space. The I don’t know what’s going on kind of space in our life story. The Saturday after Jesus’ death, his followers did not anticipate resurrection Sunday. Most lost hope. They went home believing the grand story was over. But the real story was not over, it was just beginning.
Lord, help us live in the “not yet” of our story no matter what Saturday feels like. Help us trust our story is not over when we are stuck in the confusion and doubt of Saturday…..and that we believe…… Sunday is coming.
Today’s Question: Currently, I am separated from my husband. I left about nine months ago after years of criticism, harsh words, shaming, and threats. The threats included threatening to separate bank accounts over petty things. (He is in a MUCH higher salary bracket than I am!) He would tell me that I needed to find a place to live, and that he would just live single and celibate until I inevitably had an affair. Mind you, I have given him no reason to think that. I have been a faithful wife. Now, that I’ve separated from him, he’s telling people that I’ve abandoned the marriage and that he thinks I’m an unbeliever because he sees no godly sorrow in me for the things I’ve done.
I’ve tried for years to get help. I suggested counseling (individual and couples) and his response was always, “I don’t need help. You’re the one with the problem.” After separating, he started to receive individual counseling because our church leadership required it of both of us to try to help us reconcile and, in the hopes that we would get marriage counseling eventually. My church (he has since left that church) has been a huge support for me. I’m so very grateful! After 6 months of individual counseling and living separate, we talked about setting up marriage counseling. I booked 6 months’ worth of counseling with a counselor that is pretty hard to get into, so I booked way in advance. Days before our first appointment, we had a hard conversation. My son (his stepson) told me that he no longer wanted a relationship with my husband, his stepdad, and that he would never live with him again because of the damage (mental and emotional) that was done to all of us in our home. When I said my son didn’t want to live in the same house with him, he very simply said, “That’s fine. He can live with his dad.” Like that was such a simple solution. He asked where that put us in our reconciliation. I gave him the most honest answer I could, at that moment. I said, “I don’t know.”
How do I abandon my teenage son after living in such a toxic home for so long, who is hurting and angry? He promptly ended the conversation by saying, “That’s all I needed to hear. You clearly are choosing him over me.” He refused to talk to me about it any further. After that, I threw my hands up and realized we were done. I also realized how relieved I was at the thought of that. I didn’t have to walk on eggshells anymore and try to balance him, my kids, and extended my family. I Didn’t Have To Make Any More Excuses.
The thought relieved me but also grieved me. Quite the conundrum. A few weeks passed and he asked me how I felt about getting marriage counseling. WHAT?? I was so confused. I had already canceled all our appts because I thought we were done. That’s the message I kept getting from him, and I had come to terms with it. After a lot of prayer and seeking the Lord, God told me to wait. He gave me the same verse Isaiah 40:31 THREE times in 24 hours from three different avenues. I knew that was a direct message from the Lord. After praying about that, not knowing how long to wait or even what I’m waiting for, specifically, God took me to Isaiah 43:18-19 two times through two different people who had no idea what I had been praying about. I’m committing myself to 100% truth. When my husband asked me yesterday if I was willing to get counseling, I told him, “I don’t want to.” He responded with that he had an appt with a lawyer next week. He then began to tell me he was sorry but began to point out all of the things that I had done before and during our separation that contributed to where we are. He told me, “By refusing to get counseling, you realize that we’re done?”
I’m scared to sit in a counselor’s office with him because of how manipulative he is. I’m always made to be the problem. Sure, he’ll own up to his harsh tone every now and then, but the heart of the matter is never addressed. I just shut down and don’t know what to say. I’m scared to put myself in that situation again…and I don’t want to. Is that wrong?
Why do I feel guilty about telling him I don’t want to work on it? Do I tell him what I feel the Lord is saying about waiting? He’s already told me he’s not doing this for another year and has given me deadlines/ultimatums on answers to his questions. I feel like I have exhausted my efforts, and I have nothing left to give, but the guilt of it officially being over creeps in. We have a daughter together and it breaks my heart that she will grow up bouncing between two homes. I never wanted that for her, but I also realize that she will probably have a better, healthier mom if he’s not in my life. I know leaving was the right thing. I truly believe that God rescued me from my toxic home. Why do I feel guilty?
Answer: Thank you for sharing so many details. You’ve been through so much. I’m sorry for all your pain. Feeling guilty is so common among us. And it’s wise to ask yourself “Why do I feel so guilty?” Yet in your statement before your question, you declare: “I truly believe that God rescued me from my toxic home.” Since you believe God rescued you from this toxic environment, where do you think the guilt feeling comes from?
We all have an internal compass (conscience) given to us by God so we know right from wrong. We feel guilt when we violate God’s law. This is how God intended, so that we notice when we do wrong, stop, confess, correct our mistake, and make amends where possible. Yet our internal compass often gets hijacked or programmed incorrectly so that we feel guilty not because we are violating God’s law but someone else’s law.
I liken guilt to a smoke alarm. It alerts you that you have a problem – perhaps a serious one that you need to investigate. What is this guilt (alarm) telling me? Is there a fire? Am I in danger? Or is it just blowing smoke coming from my toaster?
Working with thousands of people over the past 30 years of counseling and coaching, I’ve seen women feel guilty not because of violating God’s laws but rather some other person’s rules they’ve accepted as “truth”. For example, when you believe your mother’s rule or husband’s law, “You should never disappointment me.” When you do, (which of course you will), then you will feel guilty, bad/wrong. You shouldn’t have disappointed them. You broke their “law”.
Or maybe you believe “I should be perfect”. And when you mess up, fail, or forget, or didn’t know something ahead of time that you should have known, you feel guilty because you’ve violated your own “rule” you should be perfect.
You already indicated that your husband has more than a few “laws/rules” on how you should be as a wife. Here are a few I picked up on from what you wrote: You should choose him over your son. You should do as he says. You should put him, his needs, and feelings first. You shouldn’t disagree. You shouldn’t have your own mind. You shouldn’t complain when you don’t like something. You shouldn’t be honest if it might be different than what he wants to hear. You shouldn’t protest.
The operative word in figuring out where guilt is coming from is the word “should”. The next question to ask yourself is whose should or should nots are you violating? God’s? Yours? Someone else’s? Figuring that out may help you get to the reason “why” you feel guilty. In addition, recognize that the Bible warns us that we have an enemy of our soul, (Satan) who accuses us and lies to us (Romans 12:10, John 8:44). He wants us to feel guilty even after Jesus has forgiven us.
I’m curious. Are you able to exchange the word guilty for sad? Yes, you do feel sad that the marriage feels irreparable because your husband is not willing to value you as an equal partner. Yes, you are sad (not bad, or wrong) that you have spoken some hard truth with him. Yes, you are sad that your daughter will not be able to live in a two-parent home where there is safety, love and trust. Sadness, disappointment, and hurt feels closer to the truth. Guilt may not be the right word. You aren’t doing anything sinful by being non-compliant to your husband’s selfish demands. From what you’ve indicated, there’s a long history of his way or the highway with little empathy for the pain he’s caused you and your son. You can be sad. You can have compassion for his blindness and lack of self-awareness. You can love him and pray for his maturity and growth. But don’t feel guilty because you are unable to safely live with him or even have a constructive conversation together.
Friend, what ways do you help yourself figure out whether your guilt is from the Holy Spirit or from your internal or external “shoulds”?
23 Comments
Leave a Comment
Ask Your Question
Have a blog question you'd like to submit?
Submit
Your Question
Each week, Leslie & Co. answers an anonymous reader question on the blog. Due to the volume of questions we receive, we cannot answer every one. Please submit your question below:
Read More
This week I’m pausing. Send me your new questions for next week!
In quietness and rest is your strength. Isaiah 30:15 Instead of answering a question this week I thought I’d like you know what I’m doing. There is a little word that appears at the end of certain psalms – “selah”. The exact meaning is not known but it is often interpreted to mean “pause”. The…
How Do I Heal From Emotional Abuse?
Morning friends, I hope you are taking a few minutes out each day for YOU. This is such a busy season, easy to over-give, over-spend, over-do and come into the New Year on empty. Believe me, been there, done that. Throughout December I’ve been reading Tim Keller’s book Jesus the King. If you need a…
Leslie, every time I read something you write or hear you I see the Holy Spirit working through you. You are so gifted!
Dear sister in Christ, my ex husband was like yours. He was abusive in every way. I did stay with him until the Lord rescued me. Now I’m seeing the ramifications of staying on my son. I’m so glad you’re choosing a healthier future for you children! It has been hard for me financially but the peace is worth it and the Lord somehow always provides! You are smart and brave!!
I believe you feel guilty because your husband groomed you to feel guilty when you don’t please him. But, please the Lord and follow his lead. He has already instructed you. Lean into Him and move forward. Be sad and have those funerals in your head, but most importantly be that one healthy parent for your children. You are on your path to being a healthy mom. Your kids will now flourish because of it. It may take a while and your daughter may resent you, but one day you will see the fruits from these hard choices you are making. I’ve been where you are and I’m not divorced since Nov 2023. It will get better. I promise.
I too was in a verbally , emotionally , sexually abusive marriage . I have been out for 2.5 years and am so much healthier. It was hard to leave , was married 30 yr so it was hard to leave . When I read your story it sounded just like mine and the feeling guilty part . I felt most guilty breaking up my family until my older daughters told me do not go back to him . There is the trauma bond – you don’t know what is true at times because you want the love they give you sometimes. BUT – now that I am healed I can see how bad it was !! I would never want to be under someone s control like that again . He was a firefighter so was gone every 3rd day I think that’s why we made it so long and hopefully the home was
Peaceful for my kids some because he was gone so much. . But when he retired it got much worse . Thanking the Lord God for rescuing me out of. Love the Lauren Daigle song ,Rescue .
Hi Beth,
thank you for sharing. It blesses me. I’m trying to figure out how to leave, and your situation is very similar to mine.
Wow! I sit here reading Leslie‘s response and yours and all the other women and I’m just speechless. So much of what Leslie and the women who follow her have said has been so helpful to me but this particular post feels like I wrote it!!! Beth, you in particular, talking about your husband being a firefighter and I that being a huge reason why your marriage lasted so long because of his job and schedule is exactly what I lived. My children are grown and neither one of our sons wants a relationship with my husband, their father!!! We are separated within the home, but I know I need more separation. The guilt I feel is overwhelming and I love Leslie‘s suggestion to replace that word with “sad.” I am praying for all you women and so thankful for all of your input. God bless you all!!!
God doesn’t want us to should on ourselves. (Say that out loud and it’s kinda funny.). Seriously, “shoulds” bring shame. So even if it’s looking towards something positive like “I should go to church today”, it sets us up to live from a place of reduced joy. I have learned to live out “God loves a cheerful giver”, which I believe is about far more than tithing. If I can’t choose to do something with joy, then I typically don’t do it. And it’s made so much difference in my life. Now, with that said, there really are some things in life that we “should” do, like if I have a child then I should feed the child even when I don’t feel like it. If I have a job, I should go to work. But sometimes, just by asking myself the question, can I go to work today joyfully, I can get myself there by choosing to go because I want to be a person of my word. I had a job once and every day I only went because I should, so I found a different job, and it was the best decision ever. There have been times that I just could not find the joy in cooking for my family, so I ordered out. I have found that giving myself freedom from the “shoulds” and giving myself real choices again has brought back joy, and a deeper walk with the Lord.
I have separated from my husband after 23 yrs… I struggled with guilt, too… with “how can I leave (intentionally) and know that I will be hurting someone else?” It took me a while to realize I didn’t get to that place by myself… after all my hurt I was still protecting him. And I had to acknowledge that I played a part, too, in not standing up for myself over all those years. (Although I hadn’t felt it was a safe place). 8 counselors over the years (both individually and together)- one even told me he saw Humpty Dumpty when he had seen us…
So I have had to learn grace with myself too… there is much sadness too but I have a peace (and a relief) that has replaced the “guilt”.
This sounds a lot like my 45 year marriage. Between God’s miracles & my caretaking Humpty Dumpty has had many patch ups. Now I’m working on leaving well, living in the same house like roommates. Although he is doing more contributions to caring for the home & giving me money, likely to draw me back. I’m sad and f l outside my body at times watching myself taking steps to move forward with the process. “Thy Will Be Done” as Father God guides me!
Thank you. 47 years for me and I am wrestling with wanting to leave well but worrying about all the details. We are currently living in our fifth wheel so there is no being separated in place. Thank you for the reminder that it’s my Heavenly Father’s will that I want for my life.
You are strong and though divorce is akin to walking through the valley of the shadow of death , fear no evil for God is ever with you . He will be your strength , song and shield . He is with you and will love you through all your next steps . I’m divorced , free , happy and transforming . There are layers and hardships , but God will provide and heal your heart as you work with Him , stay in safe community and do your work . I bless you and ask the Lord to hold your heart as you walk forward , guilt free in grace and truth .
Change Guilt to Sad. Such a good way to capture every thought. I pray this lovely lady can continue to grow and keep God by her side.
Oh my! I could have written this question, except the teen involved is my 16 yr old daughter and she refuses to live in the same house as my husband, from whom I’m currently separated. What decision do I make to honor the Lord and not appear to be taking sides. If I’m 100% honest, I would choose my daughter and her mental health and my relationship with her over my husband. Is that wrong?
As hard as this journey is, and as little control as we have over the outcome, you are brave and strong and I know the Lord will equip you on your journey! His grace is enough!
In my opinion you are absolutely right to choose your daughter and her well being before your husband (the one imposing such sorrow and pain on you both).
I know for me it helps to write my questions and worries out, then I can often see how obvious the answer is. Gods bless you. Take care of your girl.
Changing the feeling word from guilt to sad is genius. Moreover, it’s holy fire truth. Brilliant. For those of us that sometimes have difficulty finding the accurate feeling words, having this exchange is so helpful. And it’s reflects intrinsically accurate. My counselor actually suggested this same word change for me years ago but I resisted because I did not want to be sad. It was “easier” to feel guilt or anger than sad. However, sitting in the sadness was my path to healing, peace, and joy. So dear sister, I would encourage you to sit in the sad and disappointment because it will only be for a season until you start to feel lighter and the calm begins.
I understand your feelings of guilt as I occasionally still experience these feelings myself, post November 2024 divorce.
I love Leslie’s idea of replacing sad for guilt. When I really think on this, I am sad that my marriage could not be salvaged but I’m not guilty because I tried everything I could to save it. It sounds like you did too. I too, believe God rescued me from a highly toxic marriage and a dangerous individual. Since God never makes mistakes, I’m also working to turn guilt into grateful.
Hang in there and stay close to God. As time goes on, his plan to rebuild your life will become clear and the path will get easier.
I’m so sorry you’re going through such a difficult and confusing time. There are two things worth considering that made it easier for me to leave, free from emotional chaos.
First, it’s hard to make decisions that impact others, not just ourselves. I think that’s why, as Christian women, we struggle with the “guilt of doing something for myself” and discounting all the selfless sacrifices already made. Leslie addresses our erroneous thinking with scriptures that support a healthy love of self that honors God. For years I gave everything I had, including my physical and emotional wellbeing, to make sure I had done everything possible to have a God honoring marriage, “in so much as it depends on me.” I did not want to make a mistake and miss God’s blessings by giving up too soon! Eventually, with HS power and discernment, I was able to make decisions that brought me peace, not anxiety. I was confident that I was honoring God and myself by leaving a husband who did neither.
Second, I learned to detach from my emotional dependence on my husband. I learned that detachment didn’t mean not caring. It meant making decisions and taking action on what I knew was rational, healthy, and truthful, instead of what I might be feeling! I could get overwhelmed by irrational feelings! I’d give in to feelings of self doubt, fear of the unknown, fear of his reactions, anger over things I couldn’t control, confusion, desperation, helplessness, etc, etc! This took me years. My emotions controlled me, just like his controlled him. Two emotionally deregulated people will never live in harmony! I got to the point that I couldn’t live with emotional chaos any longer and started to focus on actions that would keep me out of emotional trauma. That’s where so much of Leslie’s teaching in CORE helped me.
When I made my decision to leave, after much counseling and prayer, I was peaceful and confident. I was rational, not emotional, relieved and not doubtful. After eight months of clear thinking, seeing his true self and knowing I didn’t contribute to his behaviors, I confidently filed for divorce. He answers to God. I had no more responsibility to him or for him (a whole other topic!). Living in harmony with God instead of overwhelming chaos with myself is blissful!
I pray that each one of you comes to peace with your decisions, lead by Holy Spirit wisdom and discernment of truth.
I have a friend who chose her second husband. It was a terrible mistake. Her second husband was toxic, the marriage failed, and her daughter suffered for it. Please, choose healthy. Your son doesn’t want to live with a toxic relationship, with an adult who plays the victim. That’s healthy. You have given your husband many opportunities to grow and join you in a better relationship. He is unwilling. We respect that is his choice to make, but please don’t join him in it.
I wish I could talk to all of you who responded to this post. I am getting stronger yet I still find myself wondering if I am over reacting and expecting “too much” from my husband. The details of this post help me see that what I and my children have lived through is abuse.
Thank you for sharing!!
Thank you so much for showing up here so bravely sister and for sharing your hard story that so many of us can heartbreakingly relate to. I love how you said “I’m committing myself to 100% truth.” Amen and amen! In my current journey, I’m often asked by well-meaning people, what am I going to do next (as if I have a clear blueprint for trauma-escape in front of me.) It’s been such a joy learning that if I commit myself to knowing and living God’s truth — no matter how hard that truth may be to admit, express and act upon — then the Lord will not leave me languishing in despair and doubt. This brutal truth for me has meant finally going to the police, filing a DV history (of 26 years), and boldly facing the fallout. Life has not become easier in this frightening liminal space of “the now but not yet.” Far from it. But like you, my courageous sister, I know I’m now walking in truth, with my Lord safely leading the way. He will “keep count of our misery, keep our tears in a bottle, and record them in his book” (Ps 56:8), and he will show us where to gently tread next in his footsteps (Ps 56:13). He will remove our shame we mistake for guilt dear sister. He will redeem our brokenness. He himself will be our strength and dignity 🙏❤️🩹
He brainwashed you for years to feel this way. To walk on eggshells.
That only he mattered and it’s quite obvious he is still trying and hasn’t changed a bit.
Run and don’t look back.
I use to feel guilty about everything
I did my work long enough to see. It takes awhile to deprogram yourself from this manipulation
I can relate to so much of her story. Criticism, harsh words, shaming. Threatening to separate the household account. Asking me to leave. Telling me that if things don’t change, we are not going to make it. What he means by change is that I need to comply and not go against his demands.
This is my second marriage. I have two grown children from my first marriage. I am very close to my daughter and also to my 81 year old mother. He gets upset when I spend too much time with either of them. My daughter is in the military and we only get to see each other several times a year.
We’ve been to marriage counseling with our pastor and his wife. It was not productive. He dominated most of the session and I was portrayed as the problem.
Last Christmas, my daughter invited us to go to Hawaii (she has a house there). He refused to go and then told people that he wasn’t invited. I did go without him. I went with my mother, son and daughter-in-law. This was a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I am torn between staying and leaving. I feel that if I leave him, I might have to leave my church as well. I love my church family, also I am involved in several ministries, but I don’t know how I can stay and stay well. I know in the end, God has a plan and a purpose for my life.
I feel so happy that I read this this morning, as the guilt plagues me, all the time. It’s a cycle for me. Thank you so much.
For me when im feeling guilt (it happens a lot)i ask God to remove false guilt and false shame from me in the name of Jesus.
If it is not from God the feeling is gone immediately.