Bridging the Gap: Navigating Mismatched Priorities in Marriage
Hello Friends, As the days get shorter and the pace of the year slows, November becomes a natural season for reflection. For some, that reflection leads to gratitude. For others, it brings up grief. And for many, especially those navigating emotionally challenging marriages, this time of year can stir a quiet ache, a deep awareness that something just isn’t working. You might find yourself asking hard questions about your connection, your emotional safety, and your future. And maybe you're asking something like this, which came in from one of our readers:
This Weeks Question:
“How can a couple be healthy when one partner has such a high level of concern about so many things—self-care, life, community issues, others, energy, health, the world, outreach, productivity, personal growth, contributing—and the other partner has an extremely low level of concern about pretty much all of those things except keeping the roof over our heads? It leaves very little space to communicate or connect, much less grow. I see it creating great division.”
LeAnne's Response:
Beloved reader, I want to begin by validating what you already see: yes, this does create division. You’re not being petty. You’re not overanalyzing. You’re not too intense or too sensitive. What you’re noticing is real, and it’s painful. You are living inside a relational disconnect that can’t be ignored, because the very things that make you feel alive—growth, contribution, emotional connection are either dismissed, devalued, or completely ignored by your partner. That’s lonely, confusing, and deeply discouraging. And it’s not how God designed intimacy to function.
What you’ve described isn’t just a difference in personality or preference, it’s a difference in engagement. You are emotionally and spiritually awake. You are tuned in to the world around you, to your own growth, to what matters in relationships. You’re paying attention. And when one person in a relationship is paying attention and the other is disengaged or disinterested, that isn’t neutral. Over time, it starts to feel like you’re living in two completely different emotional worlds.
You might be doing what so many women do in this situation, you try harder. You lower expectations. You carry the conversations, the spiritual temperature, the emotional connection, the parenting direction, the household rhythm, even the relationship with God. You do the reading, the praying, the self-reflection. You hope that if you stay kind, patient, and spiritually committed enough, things will shift. But here’s what I want to gently but clearly say: you cannot carry this alone. Marriage is meant to be a partnership, not a solo emotional performance. And no matter how spiritually mature you are, how long you’ve been married, or how many devotionals you read, God does not ask you to maintain connection in a relationship where the other person is not participating.
We see this wisdom reflected in Scripture. Amos 3:3 asks, “Can two walk together unless they are agreed?” That word agreed isn’t about agreeing on every opinion, it’s about alignment in direction. Are we walking in the same direction, even at different paces? If not, one of us is either dragging or being dragged. And over time, that isn’t just exhausting, it becomes emotionally harmful.
If your spouse is emotionally disengaged because of unresolved trauma or a lack of relational tools, and you see signs of willingness, humility, curiosity, a desire to grow—then there is hope to build something new together. But if you’re consistently met with apathy, defensiveness, deflection, or disinterest, that tells you something important: your spouse may not be unable, but is unwilling to engage. And that’s not something you can pray or perform your way out of.
This is where it’s vital to distinguish between a marriage that is difficult and one that is destructive. Difficult marriages involve stress, disappointment, and even seasons of disconnection, but both partners are still invested in growth and change. Destructive marriages, however, involve consistent patterns of disregard, indifference, control, and a refusal to own or repair emotional damage. If the pattern of emotional shutdown, lack of engagement, and resistance to growth has persisted for years without repentance or responsibility, it may not just be disappointing, it may be destructive.
Galatians 6:5 reminds us that “each one should carry their own load.” You are not responsible to do your spouse’s inner work. You’re not required to keep lowering your expectations in order to keep the peace. And you are allowed, biblically and relationally to tell the truth about what’s missing. In fact, Ephesians 4:15 says, “Speak the truth in love so that we may grow.” Truth-telling is not unkind. It’s the soil in which real growth happens.
If you’re realizing that you’ve been functioning for two, carrying all the weight of emotional labor, growth, insight, and repair then I want to lovingly invite you to pause. Stop overfunctioning. Start observing. Notice how your spouse responds when you stop initiating all the growth conversations. Watch what happens when you stop cushioning their comfort with your silence. Do they move toward you? Or do they remain comfortably distant?
This is where we return to your CORE, a concept we live by here. Living from your CORE means you stay anchored in truth, even when your spouse avoids his. It means you take responsibility for what’s yours- your voice, your values, your choices, and stop managing what isn’t yours to fix. It means you hold fast to integrity, even when it’s lonely. And it means you prioritize emotional and spiritual safety, not just physical survival. A healthy marriage requires two people willing to show up and grow. But a healthy you only requires one, and that person is you.
Friend, you are not called to self-abandon for the sake of marriage. You are called to walk in light. And that begins by acknowledging the truth about what your marriage has become. Sometimes the most faithful step you can take is not waiting passively, but responding wisely. That might mean setting a boundary, stepping away from overfunctioning, or seeking trusted counsel. Sometimes faith looks like taking action—not from bitterness, but from courage.
You don’t have to know the whole path right now. You just need to take the next right step. Maybe that’s getting quiet and listening for God’s voice. Maybe it’s journaling what’s true. Maybe it’s bringing your story into the light with someone safe. Whatever it is, God will meet you in the truth. And He walks with the woman who walks in light.
So let me ask you gently:
What are you carrying in this relationship that isn’t yours to carry?
Where are you pretending things are fine on the outside while you’re quietly unraveling on the inside?
And what would it look like to stop striving and start standing—in truth, in love, and in alignment with what God is already showing you?
You are not asking for too much. You are asking for mutuality. You are asking for partnership. And those are good and godly things. Keep walking in truth. Keep staying in your CORE. And remember, clarity is never the enemy of love. It’s often the beginning of healing.
What part of this post resonated most with your story? Where are you sensing God inviting you to tell the truth, either to yourself or in your relationship?
18 Comments
Leave a Comment
Ask Your Question
Have a blog question you'd like to submit?
Submit
Your Question
Each week, Leslie & Co. answers an anonymous reader question on the blog. Due to the volume of questions we receive, we cannot answer every one. Please submit your question below:
Read More
Do I Have To Have Sex With My Husband?
Hi Friends, Wow, this has been a crazy week. We had an overwhelming response to our invitation for new CONQUER members. It only shows me that there are so many Christian women who are feeling stuck and afraid in destructive and abusive marriages. Second, I’ve been doing Grandma camp for the last two weeks,…
What’s the Difference Between a Difficult, Disappointing and Destructive Marriage?
Hi friends, This week I am at the AACC training pastors and counselors on recognizing destructive marriages. Please pray for me that I can share my message in the way the Lord wants me to. I wanted to repost a great article about the difference between a difficult, disappointing and destructive marriage. I think this is a question many…
I’ve Wasted My Life On My Husband; How Can I Look Forward To The Future?
Hi, friends! This time of year reminds me that every meaningful choice has a cost. Here in the USA, July brings fireworks, backyard cookouts, parades, and red, white, and blue everywhere we look. Wherever you live, freedom is something we all long for. And freedom is rarely free. It asks us to let go of…
Wow..so true.
Yes, this is very true.
I am clinging to a life raft in the storm of my husband’s inability/unwillingness to participate in a healthy relationship.
I am in the same place. I have been for 30 years. I feel very foolish.
This wisdom and clarity is soooo appreciated!
Great wisdom
I had to pause and take time to read this blog post after receiving the email with the question. It absolutely resonates with me. It is so nice to finally hear. It is not mine to carry alone, it is OK to stop trying so hard to be a “better Christian wife“. I so appreciate the tools I am learning in this group, I only wish I could’ve learned them years ago!
“Are we walking in the same direction, even at different paces? If not, one of us is either dragging or being dragged”. I really feel this LeAnne. What a visual! Thank you. I keep saying, the further out I am from my divorce, I can see more clearly. Our directions weren’t North, South, East or even West but heavenly & bottomless pit.
“Are we walking in the same direction, even at different paces? If not, one of us is either dragging or being dragged”. I really feel this LeAnne. What a visual! Thank you. I keep saying, the further out I am from my divorce, I can see more clearly. Our directions weren’t North, South, East or even West but heavenly & bottomless pit.
I feel like you have been living in my house for the last 20 years. This is my marriage. Exactly what he does and what I’ve been trying to do. He has zero desire to change or become aware. I’ve been carrying 100% of that load.
Thank you for putting into words exactly what my reality is! I have many hard decisions to make, boundaries to consider, and a future to think about.
At our wedding, our favours were magnets that had a quote from Antoine de Saint-Exupéry: “Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.”
Unfortunately, somewhere along the line that common direction was lost and what you describe is all too real
Thank you LeAnne. Your response certainly highlights my entire marriage relationship. How I over-functioned. Carried the emotions, the spirituality, the “household rhythm” for 30+ years. So much struggle. So much discouragement, anger and emotional pain. My husband and I are separated but are starting to slowly moving towards truthfully re-building our relationship. We are starting marriage counselling this November 8th. He finally started looking at himself, and doing self growth and professional counselling after I left him almost 6 months ago. I have been diligently working on my own issues with CONQUER. So beyond grateful for this program with all the support and resources. I would not be where I am today without this group.
I know I’m not alone at all when I say this “Wow Praise God for lifting the responsibility of carrying such a heavy weight of two people off my mind, body, and soul!!!” I’m so thankful for what God is revealing to me through the Conquer Journey! Thanks so much LeAnne for writing this so exquisitely; it’s definitely a confirmation of my thoughts! 🤗
God Bless & Protect You 🙏🏻
Wow. Thank you for putting to words what I felt for so long but didn’t know how to process or give voice to. It helps to validate my concerns, challenges and tears. It helps to know and understand I’m not alone and there is a reality and evolution to what has happened in my marriage for the last 36 years that no one in my family will acknowledge or admit. The pain of not being understood or seen is also devastating. Thank you
I know CORE saves me from going off the deep end emotionally. My word for the year has been clarity. And your final sentence “Clarity is not the enemy of love it is the beginning of healing “
Yes!
I still need more courage and use my voice to speak. I anticipate being shut down and an argument most every time (doesn’t matter the topic) but this makes me know I have more growth and clarity to walk towards. Thank you team.
All of the above.
This stood out to me: “when one person in a relationship is paying attention and the other is disengaged or disinterested, that isn’t neutral… if you’re consistently met with apathy, defensiveness, deflection, or disinterest, that tells you something important: your spouse may not be unable, but is unwilling to engage. And that’s not something you can pray or perform your way out of.”
That’s exactly what I’ve been spending an enormous amount of time and energy on, especially the last 7 of 39 years (yes, I know it’s a very long time) . I always thought if I did just a little more, gave up a little more, silenced myself more…then changed course, and even spoke up, tried to connect, and ask for a healthy relationship …all that effort had to have a positive outcome, right?
But it doesn’t.
Because this is true: “A healthy marriage requires two people willing to show up and grow… you are not called to self-abandon for the sake of marriage”
My daughter recently told me attended a memorial for a woman where all of the memories were of the woman doing things for other people, and of course service to others is a great gift, except…there was no mention of what she liked to do, what her talents were, about what she could have said, “ I had this goal, worked toward it, achieved it “.
My daughter said to me: “I’m worried that’s going to be you.” After all the years of telling my kids they could do whatever they set their mind to, I am now limited by circumstances, health issues, and finances. I’m looking into new versions of what I can do with the rest of my life.
But I’m no longer going to try to do the work of both people in a marriage. I can say I truly tried, made every effort ….and also that there’s nothing left for me to do as far as creating any change in the dynamic.
My husband’s choices and behaviors haven’t been “ neutral”…what a good way to put it!
They have been destructive to me and our marriage. I spent many years trying to achieve growth in my marriage, but it was impossible to do on my own, with a husband who has no interest in change, growth, personal responsibility, or empathy toward me.
I’m trying to see the good in it…maybe the good is that I can finally say to myself: A “ marriage “ where only one person does all the emotional labor, gives empathy, sacrifices….isn’t a “ marriage “ at all..it’s more of a job, a ministry, if you choose to “ stay well”.
And I think, finally, I can say: I can focus on myself now.
Prayers, please!
I think this may be the day when I finally have to speak the truth to my husband about his drinking. I had a doctor’s appointment today which really reminded me that we need to take care of the things we can…and for me, maybe that means being more direct instead of subtle about the damage I’m seeing, to both his health and mine.
Blessings to all❤️
Well, that went well…( not).
My husband’s doctor told him he needs to cut down on his 28 drinks/week.
Husband, to me: “the reason I drink is because I’m so depressed about our relationship.”
.
Me: that behavior is in your control; I don’t accept the blame for that.
( although I have tried to compensate for it…excuse his behavior…” if he wasn’t drinking so much, he’d be a different person “)
I tried to explain, regarding a recent very short discussion, that even if he didn’t INTEND to cause harm, there are still consequences to his behavior….and that while I forgive him, I can’t feel close to him when there’s no emotional safety for me.
Namely, that a one-way relationship, with me doing all the listening, emotional labor, etc. but never receiving emotional support ( I’ve had cancer:, dealt with on my own, because “ it made him uncomfortable “. His “ equivalent support” is…he takes out the trash cans “ for me”.)
The same conversation as before: he expects me to validate all his feelings, take the blame for his thoughts, feelings, and behaviors; tell him only wonderful, appreciative things about him, and never say “ anything negative “ ( eg, ,trying to share a concern he couldn’t get defensive about…”I’m worried about having cancer again”…my 4 th. His response: “you just want a pity party.”) and most of all, he refuses to listen to anything that doesn’t agree with his “ script”, or to be responsible for his own thoughts, emotions, behaviors, or the natural consequences of this behaviors.
I had planned to “ stay well”. But after a recent conversation with my cardiologist and the effect this relationship is having on my heart ( physical and emotional) health, I don’t think that’s possible.
Still praying for all of us!
What a great response, LeAnn. The scripture quotes were spot on. I started myConquer journey of awakening 7 yrs ago. Now divorced for 3 years, I am continually saddened by how many women friends I know who diminish their own growth and development so as not to leave their unengaged partners too far behind. Both suffer the purgatory of stagnation and fail to walk in God’s current of enlightenment.
Meanwhile I have healed from my trauma, become financially stable and am living a life of rapid growth, filled with new discoveries of who God wants me to be, what God wants me to do and how/where to continually serve His people.
It sounds crazy but the decades of abuse, sadness, being silenced and ignored were worth the struggle for it having brought me to where I am today.
Keep up the good work LV sisters.