When They Show No Empathy: How to Heal Your Heart and Restore Hope in Christ
Hello Friends! August has always held a special place in my heart; not only because it’s my birth month, but also because it has been a time to relish the schedule-free, slow summer days. With many schools now beginning earlier, the start of August feels like the last call for summer enjoyment before the busy rush into fall. As I prepare to take my son back to university mid-month, I am aware that there is much of daily life that will shift. There is a sense of urgency to make the most of the remaining moments with intention and focused gratitude.
This season reminds me how vital it is to stay emotionally present, to truly savor the time God gives us with our loved ones, and to trust Him with the transitions we face. It’s a time to lean into grace, to hold space for both joy and bittersweet change, and to anchor ourselves in the peace only He can provide. Whether you’re navigating your own changes this month or simply seeking to slow down and reconnect, I pray you find moments of stillness to nourish your heart and deepen your relationships.
Today’s Question: What can I do to fix the relationship with my husband & daughter who both have no empathy or respect for me?
Susan’s Response: Thank you for reaching out for help; one of the most paralyzing dynamics in destructive relationships is silence or the absence of care. Women often don’t talk about what’s happening out of fear of being judged, misunderstood, or told to just “try harder.”
Though you have not provided much detail, it is clear you have a deep desire for relational healing. Underneath that short question, I can hear the echo of pain. And I can say with certainty, you are not alone. Many are struggling in relationships with loved ones who have shut down emotionally and treat them with coldness and contempt, leaving them feeling confused and emotionally battered.
So what can you do to fix these relationships? You can model empathy and respect. You can request what you want from others. However, you cannot fix others who do not care to do the work of fixing themselves. Therefore, allow me to give you some steps to keep you from getting caught in crazy making patterns and feeling powerless.
To start, you can release the burden you are carrying to fix someone else’s lack of empathy and respect. Because the truth is, you can not change their hearts. Only God can do that if they are willing to align with Him. Your work is not to fix others’ hearts but to guard your own heart (Proverbs 4:23), to walk in truth (John 8:32), and to stand firm in who you are as a daughter of the King. You can stop twisting yourself into knots trying to earn their empathy and respect. Perhaps you strive to do more, be better, quieter or more easy going. That’s not love. That’s survival.
Be courageously committed to the truth of what is happening. Identify the specific examples and patterns of harm to you. In what ways might you be being devalued or diminished? How are your husband and daughter’s behaviors affecting your sense of self and ability to live life to the fullest? Jesus never called you to be a doormat. He called you to walk in dignity and strength. That starts with naming what’s real.
Get rooted in God’s love for you and strengthen your emotional core. When a woman is consistently treated with contempt or emotional neglect, her sense of identity begins to erode. To survive in such an environment, you must build emotional core strength. I don’t mean just through self help slogans or head knowledge, but through the unshakable truth of God’s Word and experiential growth.
Scripture is rich with examples of how God’s perfect love displays both empathy and respect for His children. Psalm 103:13 likens God’s compassion to that of a loving father. Isaiah 49:15 compares God’s unwavering compassion to a mother’s love. Because you were created in the image of God, as noted in Genesis 1:27, your intrinsic worth was established long ago. You were carefully designed before your birth as Psalm 139:13-14 states. These examples illustrate God’s deep empathy for His people’s struggles and His respect for the inherent dignity of every individual. Allow the Spirit within you to nurture your heart in these ways.
Learn to have good boundaries with yourself in order to protect your heart. Boundaries are not about fixing others or getting them to understand the error of their ways. They are about showing empathy and respect for yourself by not allowing the mistreatment of others to diminish your worth or your calling. That might mean you step away from when relationships are harmful and step toward healthy others who see your value, support your purpose and encourage your wellbeing.
Invest in healthy relationships with other women who do want to learn and grow. Though you may be grieving the lack of respect and empathy in your relationships with your husband and your daughter, be careful not to isolate or limit yourself to focus on just those relationships. You do need connection and care from others who are willing and able. The LV&Co community offers opportunities to find others who are on a similar journey.
If you need more support and clarity to build up your internal strength in order to manage the challenging relationships in your life, I invite you to hear Leslie Vernick speak on August 12th. The topic of her webinar is: Four Lies That Make Women In Destructive Relationships Feel Crazy And Powerless. Register today to choose your time and save your spot.
You may not be able to fix them, but you can find healing, strength, and hope through the One who sees it all and calls you beloved. God is still writing your story; He is faithful to finish what He has started. What can you do to partner with Him for your growth and His glory?
Be Well!
Beloved reader, when people you love haven’t given you the respect and compassion you long for, how have you protected your heart and remained in God’s truth?
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Help, I Am Bitter and Angry
Morning friends, I just returned from attending the American Association of Christian Counselors Conference in Nashville. It was an amazing event with over 7,000 Christian leaders from all over the world. I spoke twice on my new book and had lots of opportunities to talk with people…
I’m sorry your going through this.
I served my siblings every needs for years with there depression and everything and I really don’t know how I could of been a better sister. I was a slave to there every need but abandoned myself in every way to EARN there love.
Finally after years of mocking laughing degrading dismissing me each time they felt better I nicely called them out that it was hurtful they always talked down to me.
I was sweating bricks to bring that up but it was effecting me to much emotionally physically to not bring it up.
All 4 treated me like I was less.
I lived on my own island trying everything to get them to let me on there’s w them.
And after 48 years I bring it up.
They laughed in my face called me crazy said I made it up and discarded me.
Now there forever trying to threat and punish and fight me on everything w my Dad.
There on Satan’s team.
I can tell u I tried everything and I know now it’s not my fault and I learned to seperate and disconnect from them emotionally to save me from them.
I know that hurts to hear but I don’t want u groveling and trying to be perfect thinking one day u will do enough to receive the love and validation u deserve.
Leslie said this a couple years ago and it’s been on my mirror 2 years cause listen to these words there so true!
Someone ask about worrying what others think.
She said 96% of what others say and do has absolutely nothing to do w you. And everything to do w THERE CHARACTER THERE VALUES THERE CHOICES.
So now if u ask yourself when they gaslight guilt shame and blame and punish you.
Is what they say about me true? Well if it is take your reaction to the Lord to uproot so they can’t use it against you.
But more than likely when u refraze this question to yourself and ask is what they say about me true about there character and values u will see that’s a yes.
They try to spin your head around and brainwash u against yourself to doubt yourself and when u have to its harder to not abandon yourself and self doubt
Remember there lieing manipulating and they no its them.
They just have to much shame inside to go past there pride and ego and help themselves.
They would rather bully you. It’s childish and mean and not your fault.
From my experience through life and I have had alot. U can’t out nice bullys and narcissist.
They get a high on this and need to feel they have to keep people below them.
It’s not your fault if this is going on.
I heard this a while back and it’s not great to hear but we need truth and clarity in order to set boundaries and have our own back and stop fixing them to do our own work.
Many times children become the arm extention of one parent. Either the narcissist or codependent.
I really think this is true many times.
Of course u would think they should want to be like the Jesus parent. But doesn’t always happen
My mom was mentally ill and very evil.
My Dad is the most humble Jesus guy I know.
My 4 sibling are extentions of MO.
I am fully Dad.
Makes no sense they choose that road but we get that free will choice by God. Some feel powerful being bullies.
See us as weak.
Coming to this group fully changed me.
I don’t know a bigger x-doormat empathetic people pleasing fixer than me.
But I put down those shackles for new clothing and put the focus on those for me and decided that was Jesus and I.
It felt so selfish saying I am going to make them not my business. Walk away. Occasionally a one liner boundarie on me like ” I will not stand here listen to you demean degrade devalue and dismiss me and walk and I took every reaction to Jesus to break the addiction I had to them of NEEDING them to love me. I decided I was having my own back. I validated and acknowledged my own feeling. Showed the compassion I did for them to myself to find myself and get me back. I only had non emotional conversations like
The grass looks nice if it’s something they were into cause that throws them a bone to boost there ego they made it look like that and gets them off your back.
Gotta go to bathroom.
Or gotta take meat out
And no matter how hurt u are hold your head up shoulders back and fake it til u make it singing This little light of mine.
They will try to tear your light down get u back under control
Just keep taking your reaction to Jesus. Comfort and have your back. This has completely changed my life to now know all that crap they say is BS. I don’t believe a word they say and I have strong boundaries God gave me
If I can’t stay on the vine get out of the room
If it’s not healthy for me. Walk out and go take care of u.
You can break this cycle cause I did.
It’s miserable begging and needing there love so bad all u think about is how can I get it.
There is nothing wrong w you. But there is w them and u need to guard your own heart cause unfortunately there not.
I hope this isn’t to hard to hear. People here told me all these things and it’s hard but I can tell u it’s a door to freedom when u back off and leave them emotionally to cleave to God and u slowly break off the fears and addictions to getting there love
You and God can give u all u need.
I am still w H but he gets no access to me when he is a bully
My family doesn’t either.
This weekend I am planning a beautiful 60th Anniversary for my parents. My siblings were going to leave me off guest list as usual.
I out started them and am hosting it at nutral place
They have tried to go against me and I keep moving forward. God provided every step. I won’t let them intimidate me. Got my God bubble on. Shoulders back w confidence and I will go serve my parents in a room full of 20 people against me.
I have all I need. God .
I will be more than a conquer.
Been bullied all my life. And I will not fear them anymore cause there crap isn’t about me.
There miserable without me
I just pray they humble themselves before the Lord
I can’t fix them.
That’s there job.
And God’s job
Hope this can encourage u to fight for you. Cause your worth it and there bullying is about themselves.
But they do it because they can
Only u can set a boundarie that they can’t
Hugs u can do this!! It will be your road to happiness 😊
AMEN, SISTER!! 💖
Thank you for telling your story Mary!! You blessed me so much! I needed to hear your words!
Amen to Mary, and Blessings to Susan, too!
So many times, I’ve turned to this blog after yet another crazy- making experience with my husband. The short version of today was: after doing something childish and selfish, which I gently refused to tolerate, my husband stomped away, pouting, saying: “F it! You don’t trust me about anything!”
Being left alone ( thankfully), I had time to think…he’s right about one thing: I don’t trust him.
About anything. Not to care, to have empathy, or to support me the ways I have always cared for, empathized with, and supported him.
Most recently, I had a series of cardiac imaging tests which have revealed a serious level of disorder. He refused to ask about it or show any level of care or concern.
One evening, when he asked “ what have you done today”, I responded that I had researched the basis of my cardiac reports.
A few days later, still without showing any actual empathy for me, or listening to my thoughts or feelings, he decided that I was feeling “ scared” ( I’m not, but he would be), and that he “ wanted to be there for me”. I, of course, thanked him, graciously.
Over decades of marriage, and many difficult circumstances with both my health and the family in general: he has NEVER “ been there for me”, in any sense, or “ had my back”, in any way.
So no, I no longer try to convince myself that he is trustworthy, because he has proven, so many times, that he isn’t worthy of my trust.
I’m no longer chasing after him, begging for care, attention, or empathy.
His response is to be angry that I don’t …that I no longer….unthinkingly depend on him, lavishing him with praise for the “ care” that I never received, or underserved praise for the smallest of favors.
Susan’s challenge has been a journey for me: “Be courageously committed to the truth of what is happening. Identify the specific examples and patterns of harm to you. In what ways might you be being devalued or diminished?”
And, “ boundaries… are about showing empathy and respect for yourself by not allowing the mistreatment of others to diminish your worth or your calling. That might mean you step away ….when relationships are harmful”
That is where I am now: not trusting someone who has proven himself to be untrustworthy.
Because he thinks so ( untruthfully) highly of himself, and refuses to either be responsible for himself or to be accountable for his actions, or to accept the consequences that he has created, he keeps trying to pressure me into reverting to behaviors where I gaslight myself into believing that I am responsible for his moods and behaviors toward me.
But I’m not buying into that dysfunctional pattern any more. Whether he tries to Hoover me back, love bomb, or threaten and insult me: the only thing I will accept at this point, to consider any real relationship with him, is true responsibility, accountability, repented, and amends coming from him. I’ve done all the” right” communication, compromise, etc.
So far, it’s not happening. That’s his choice.
I work to live in my CORE values, but I no longer feel I’ve “ failed” or that I deserve to be mistreated if I slip up sometimes.
I no longer feel that his choices, values, thoughts, emotions, moods or behaviors are my responsibility, in any sense.
To answer Susan’s question…
I am protecting my heart by:
recognizing and living in truth;
living in my CORE values;
learning to respect, love, steward, and appreciate myself and my God-given gifts;
creating healthy boundaries and working every day to uphold them;
nurturing healthy relationships with other women and business resources;
no longer depending upon or begging for love, empathy, or care from my husband, while still being open to the possibility of change in him, and while giving him those gifts as long as it doesn’t harm me to do so;
and emotionally detaching from feeling responsible for my husband’s choices or for outcomes that I can’t control.