When Sacrifice Becomes Enabling: What God Really Asks of Wives
Morning friends,
Here’s a question for you. I am giving a talk in April for the Restore Conference on A Woman’s voice in a Patriarchal culture. Or, in other words, how have you experienced your freedom, ability, and impact when attempting to speak to the men in your world? Fathers, Teachers, Pastors, Coaches, Boyfriends, Husbands Sons, Employers? Would love to hear your experience both positive and negative and how that impacted your ability to use your voice with confidence. Were there any spiritual components involved?
Question: I have been married for 23 years. I met my husband at church and so looked forward to serving the Lord together. About ten years ago after a series of crises my husband no longer wanted anything to do with God, church, or anything Christian.
I have three sons, and I found myself pleading with God, “But, Lord, how am I to rear them to be Godly men with a father so opposed and indifferent?” God has been faithful. He has always met me in my distress, and the more I get to know Him, the more I know that He is all I need.
When my husband decided Christ was irrelevant, he also pulled away from us nearly completely (i.e, we had a gas leak in our garage one evening some years ago and he pretended to turn off the pilot light to the water heater, and then laughed the next day when the gas company informed me that it wasn’t turned off).
The boys and I had our lives, and he had his, a life that included outings with other women, pornography (and all the sexual expectations that accompany it), neglecting the kids (one of whom has a serious chronic illness) and mostly just being completely indifferent to our wellbeing or even existence at times. I often wondered if I would come home to find him in a catatonic state he was so disconnected.
I have my own business and work from home. My husband’s job would not support our family for one month. He wants me to pay the bills, and so if we need more money to cover whatever, the expectation is that I will simply work more to try to cover it. I stopped sleeping except for 2-3 hours a night, sometimes going 48 to 72 hours with no sleep to try to make things “work”.
I have asked him to take over the family finances, to consider and get other work to help, all to no avail. Twice with the advice of counselors I asked him to leave. In my pathetic weakness, the first time he didn’t even leave the house, and the second he left for perhaps two weeks. With promises to change, and his tears of disbelief and distress, I caved and he stayed.
Now I am in crisis. My health is deteriorating, and the doctor has told me if I don’t change something, I am headed for a serious health crisis from stress, lack of sleep, etc. Financially we are suffering, and there simply aren’t enough hours in the day to work more. My memory is failing from lack of sleep, and I simply am on empty.
My biggest question these years has been what does God require of a wife? There have been times I have been crushed by the weight of contemplating that God would expect one of his precious daughters to continue in a marriage that is on paper only, but if I was convinced that’s what He wanted, I’m willing to give my life. My Jesus is worth it. I’m so thankful that my oldest is striving after God, and all three of my dear boys have kind and compassionate dispositions. They continue to come to church with me, and I’m so thankful for them. They are 18, 16 and 13.
In the last months, God seems to be softening my husband’s heart in that he is trying to be more involved, but I find my spirit dead and unresponsive. I am so, so very tired….it is a weariness not of body so much as of my very soul.
I simply do not know how to continue, how to set boundaries, how to “count it all joy”. When I do sleep, it’s on the couch for the most part, and I fear that I am teaching my boys to accept a twisted and distorted idea of marriage. I am at a loss and worn completely out. What now…
Answer: Oh my dear one, my heart goes out to you. You have done what so many good Christian wives and mothers try to do, believing that is what God desires. You’ve worked yourself to the point of illness, knocked yourself out managing home, children, and finances while your husband abandoned his commitments.
What’s wrong with this picture? I’m glad you’ve raised good children who see and appreciate your sacrifices. God is pleased when we sacrifice for another’s wellbeing—in this case, your children. However, they’ve also witnessed a distorted picture: a woman who doesn’t care for herself, a woman who over-functions and tolerates her husband’s financial neglect as well as his adultery without consequences. This isn’t a biblical marriage or sacrificial love.
As a godly woman, you believed your suffering was noble. But looking back—is that true? You didn’t sacrifice only for your children’s wellbeing, but also to support your husband’s sinful behaviors. Did this help him or simply enable him to continue sinning without consequences?
If your husband was hit by a car or battling cancer, working extra would be a noble sacrifice. But you worked yourself to the bone while he partied and slept with other women. That’s not what God expects from a wife.
Scripture is clear: if a man won’t work, he shouldn’t eat (2 Thessalonians 3:10). Each person should carry their own load (Galatians 6:5). A man who won’t provide for his family is worse than an unbeliever (1 Timothy 5:8).
Stepping away from Christ isn’t the same as abandoning responsibilities. Many men question their faith yet still love their children and provide for their families. Your husband shows deep character disturbances—a me-first selfishness with no concern for you or the kids. He hasn’t sought help. So why have you worked yourself to exhaustion providing for him when he’s perfectly capable of providing for himself?
You show all the signs of a kind, over-functioning woman who, in her desire to be godly, enables someone to sin against her without consequence. God does not expect you to sacrifice yourself to enable irresponsibility, sexual unfaithfulness, and deceit.
Your priority now is stewarding your own health—body, mind, and spirit. Your body is saying ENOUGH. What happens if you don’t listen? Right now, don’t focus on your marriage problems or his problems. Focus on restoring your health.
If his heart is truly softening, he should willingly pick up the financial burden, even working two jobs. Ask him to sleep on the couch while you take the bedroom with the door locked. This will reveal if his heart is genuinely changing. Your boys aren’t infants—they can help with household responsibilities.
God sees your heart and your faithful service. But your body has limitations. It needs sleep, refreshment, recreation. Your husband needs to step up and provide. If he’s changing, watch for sustained behavior change, not just acting nice because he’s scared you’ll finally kick him out.
Please do not expect yourself to jump up and down and get all excited because your husband’s heart seems a little more tender. Be suspicious. His heart may not be tender or convicted. It may be scared that you’re finally going to kick him out so he’s “acting nice”. Guard your heart, above all else (Proverbs 4:23). You want to see sustained behavior change over time. You want to see him step up and be responsible and work hard to meet the family’s financial needs. Otherwise, he is grandstanding to get you to feel sorry for him and once you do, he will continue to do what he’s always done, think only of himself.
If you are not strong enough to hold these boundaries, please ask other women to hold you up in prayer and help you stay firm. God does not expect you to take care of him as if he was a disabled child. That is not your responsibility as a wife or as a Christian.
Friend, when you found yourself worn down to the bone by constantly taking care of people who can care for themselves, what finally woke you up enough to stop?
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I totally understand what she’s going thru ,enabling doesn’t help anyone or not caring for self . Seek help to regain what’s been lost for yourself first . Counseling good . Let church or another counselor help and help you make wise choices . Will pray God’s will be done .
It helped to receive a diagnosis from his doctor who told me to get safe. I then became the “caregiver” who did not enable. If he will not choose to listen to doctors, attorneys, etc. then it it not about me or the kids. You and your children can continue to seek God and let your husband face God himself. God loves all of you.
My sister, I can not tell you how hurt for you and angry for you, that your story caused me to feel for you. Listen. It’s time for you to get real with yourself. To be honest, really honest. Do you really believe that this is our God and Jesus? That this is what Jesus came for? That when He said he came so you can have an abundant life of joy that this is what He was talking about? Your husband has already abandoned the marriage covenant long ago!!! You were freed from him the day he turned to another woman and neglected you and your children and his financial responsibilities. God does not condone any of this. It is time for you to make some tough decisions. You can not continue as you have been living. My recommendation is to at least file for legal separation and have him move out. Clearly the home you are living in is too expensive for you to manage so I personally would put it up for sell if you own it. And move into a home with your children that is far more manageable. We should never work just to pay a mortgage. It’s time to get really real about your living situation and make necessary change. If you don’t do these things, you won’t survive for your kids. I believe from your words, you are done in your heart. Now you just need to rise above your fear of change. Fear is what is holding you back. But understand that God has better for you. But He is not going to help you get to it without action from you. Let go of your tight grip on yesterday and open your hands to God so He can give you His best for you. You have been doing hard things for a long time. You can do these hard things too!!!!
Absolutely 100%
He had 2 many chances.
Children want mother to be happy healthy with strength, so she can bring her children up.
.We need to realise that God is not Going to be mocked, and thefore we need strong actions to seek help from Him but to help ourselves first. Faith without actions is empty.
God , Yourself then Children and husband.
If husband is abuser worthless evil man with selfish narcissistic ways that do not care, would God be happy?
The worst of sins are the sins of flesh, that God will never forgive. In this life and in next.
It is a sin of the Holy Spirit.
Unless He truly turned to repentance.
We need to kick every obstacle out of our way and go…
Wishing Blessings upon all of us suffering.
When I realized that God limits access to evil, unrepentant sinners and so should I. When I realized that boundaries are not a lack of love, but a form of love. When I realized that God loves me as His child more than the institution of marriage. When I really realized that Jesus laid down His life for a noble cause, and not to enable sinful behavior, then I was able to finally say no to the abusive situation I was i n. This is when things finally changed for the better for me. I believe that it will for you as well. God loves you and it breaks His heart that one of His precious children is being harmed.
I went through similiar situation with my husband until my body and mind were overburdened and broken. I was looking to God to change my husband then, but God reminded me that my husband needed to choose to be responsible for his family even if he did not accept God as Lord and Savior. What ended everything was my husband abandoning me with our children while I was severely ill, recovering from surgery and in midst of a mental health crisis. Our children were school aged, I was living in a small town and unable to return to work (finances were tight) and I had limited supports in new town. After he left I literally had to make decisions as I started over from scratch- relocated myself and our children back to city where famiy could be around and I went into counseling and started griving process of marriage desertion while prepping to start life over from scratch as a single mom with 5 children to care for. It was not an easy process, but God walked me through it and eventually I divorced my husband and recently moved into my own apartment now that I am an empty nester. I have a job I love and my sons are also in their own healing journey as well.
It is so hard to consider what the future will look like, but reading about and learning about boundaries really helped me to make a decision to divorce and move forward. God was with me through it all and has kept me and my life with my children post divorce is so much happier and freer.
What woke an exhausted me up to finally stop overworking/over-caring is when my husband told me no, he’d wouldn’t’ leave the house and that I should be the one to go. This was after three straight months of the total silent treatment from him despite repeated attempts from me to please talk about things. And when I did file for separation, his first and pretty much only comment was, “Well, I hope you know what you’ll be doing for money, because I’m all set.” Not a word about our relationship, like How can we fix this? What went wrong? etc. After 35 years of marriage…That’s when I realized that he believed all our family money wasn’t “ours”, but “his” because he’d earned it. And that he now had no intention of “sharing”/providing for me financially. When he realized later that’s not how things work legally with dividing assets, things turned ugly and I had to leave. God has been so amazing through the whole painful divorce journey. I’m healing (slowly) and so so thankful!
Thank you for sharing, Hope.
I’ve heard the same things from my husband , repeatedly: “ you’ve never worked a day in your life”, “ all the money is mine because you haven’t “ worked”( actually I have earned money, in addition to being a SAHM and full time caregiver, as well as handling all household and financial tasks, and 95% of emotional labor re the immediate plus extended family), and a few weeks ago: “ I’d like to see you mange on your own”… obviously, he thinks I would not be able to survive “ on my own”.
Of course, for many years, I was too busy taking care of everyone, and trying to “ keep the peace”, to consider whether I could, indeed, mange on my own. And like many others, I thought I could make a difference in my marriage.
Until I realized that my husband has no interest in being responsible for his actions, managing his own growth, or changing; and has no interest in my feelings, or empathy for me in any way. He is not interested in being a healthy, mature man who has a healthy marriage.
I recently figured out the costs of living on my own, gathered information, and consulted a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA).
For anyone wondering if they could manage on their own…even a free or low cost consultation with a financial professional can really help give you a new perspective, and point you in the best direction for your needs. I found an excellent CDFA through good old Google.
I am not ready to file for divorce yet…but I feel like I can finally move forward on my own behalf.
You’re showing so much courage! Yes, keep pressing forward in wisdom, gathering all the information you need and listening to the Lord. I used a CDFA too and her help/support was priceless. It hasn’t been easy starting over in my late 60s–but God has been incredibly faithful to me every step along the way. I’m forever grateful I took the time to pull together a good plan for myself, gather copies of all important documents, and also an escape plan in case I had to leave quickly to stay safe (and I did have to). You CAN do this–God doesn’t call any of us to erase ourselves to enable another’s foolishness and poor choices. Blessings to you as you trust Jesus one step at a time! PS – One thing I probably Wouldn’t do again is use a collaborative legal licensed technician versus a traditional divorce lawyer to try to keep costs and emotions lower. I learned fast that collaboration that way wasn’t on his radar and we both ended up needing lawyers.
Thank you for sharing your experience! The CDFA gave me the name of a lawyer, and even sent an email introduction for me to her. She also recommended that I keep on taking quiet steps, for now.
Here is one major recognition that helped me on this path to self care . I recognized I had a wrong belief, and that belief was limiting me from being who God wanted me to be.
I believed “love” meant giving yourself for another (“sacrificing like Jesus” as I had been taught ). Somehow, I missed that the “commandment “ said: to “love others AS YOU LOVE YOURSELF.” I was so laser focused on the first part, “to love others,” that I missed the meaning of the second part, “as you love yourself.” I thought it was right to consider others before myself.
Here is an example of why that belief was wrong and how it limited me. I was exhausted but cleaning up the kitchen after making and serving dinner. The kids had reasonable chores assigned and H was exhausted from work so I continued cleaning up. I wanted to be a good role model for the kids and care for the family well. Though exhausted, I would keep going, doing things like this. In my exhaustion, at times, I would lose self control and react in anger. One time I remember being ugly and telling them they were so lazy (when the kids were not getting their chore done as expected while I did mine). Is that the person God wanted me to be? Of course not!! The Bible says, be angry but don’t sin. I limited my capacity to have self control and to guard my tongue by exhausting myself. I wanted to do what was right, but instead I sinned. I did the exact opposite of what I was intending to do. I confused my kids. Looking back now, it is easy to see that I should have just left the mess and taken better care of myself..
God never asked me to be God. I am playing at being God if I don’t recognize that I am a limited human being. I have a limited amount of time, energy, and resources. He wants me to recognize where I am limited. He wants me to take care of myself so that I can THEN be one who can love others well! He does NOT want me to act like I can be Him! He never asked that.
After years of being a certain way, it takes time, others helps, and “practice” to change.
Dear writer, I wonder…perhaps, you gave up everything with the same belief as me.
It sounds like you know God will help you as you move forward in life. Keep leaning on His faithful love.
Can you choose to love yourself and see yourself as God does: His special, beautifully unique, and limited daughter?
ONeloved. Thanks for your honest response. I think that often happens is we try to be god for people – doing it all, helping everyone to our own peril. Then we get exhausted, depleted, resentful and snap at them and we look like we’re the “sinner” or “unglued” parent in the house. YOu are so right. Take care of you. It is not a sin to steward your body, mind and spirit, it’s a mandate. When we find ourselves reactive and resentful, don’t blame other people. Take a look at what you are doing that you shouldn’t be doing and STOP doing it.
It isso familiar to me.Ihave been married for ten years now.Overfubtioned in my marriage for 5 years.Then realised that my husband blamed me a lot, didn t work and has a problem with pornography.He didn t take any responsibility for his action.In 5 years hi changed many jobs.At that time i had stable job to provide family and was thinking it is my responsibility to help him.
I was always encoueaging.In spite of fact that my life was so full of stress i didn t open my mouth but encouraged every time.
Then over time as i put patterns together they start to make sense to me.
Then i separated and worked on myself and found help for him and paid in order for him in order for him to get that help.He was not serious about this help and demanded me it was not fair that i left.I came back to home and start to put boundaries.Then realised that boundaries brought me to a place where we started to live in the same house but as a roommate.
We met with pastor and his wife and they tried to help us restore our marriage and have healthy way of communication.But it also failed.Because only i cared about this thing.Not him.
Long story short now i am in a place that i stoped engaging in any conversation with him.We live like roommates.I am so tired of this.
Leslie s teaching helped me so much.
Her boon abput Lord i want to be happy, emotionally destrsctive relationship book and teachings about real change and so many other teachings of her opened my eyes and really brought clarity and shed light into my heart and my situation.
My heart aches for you! I see you as a Godly woman who wants to do right, and has stepped up incredibly for her children. Please know your children need you, (not you sacrificing to the point of exhaustion and loss of health). Hard decisions for change so often need to be made when we are at a point of total exhaustion. Encourage you to ask God (James 1:5) for specific steps you can take to turn from this destructive path to a healthy one. Can God provide for you and your children? Absolutely! Please reach out to others you can trust to help you think and work through the changes needed. God’s got you and your precious children!! Prayers and blessings dear one