When Relief Masquerades as Love
Hello LV&Co friends! March is here. When the groundhog made his prediction last month, I, along with most of the inhabitants of West Michigan, already knew what was coming. More cold. More grey. More snow to add to the existing piles. But when it was near 60 degrees and sunny for a few days, it felt exciting, like spring might be near. Though many Michiganders could be seen dining on restaurant patios, no one believed spring was actually starting early. That’s because we understand the overall climate of the area.
A warm afternoon or two doesn’t change a season. It’s easy to understand this when talking about the weather. It’s harder to recognize in relationships. A nice few days doesn’t mean the overall climate of a marriage has shifted.
Our bodies respond to relational climate the same way we respond to physical climate. When warmth is rare and unpredictable, we will cling to it every time it appears. And we build a wishful longing for it to return. Perhaps you too will resonate with this reader’s question.
Today’s Question: I’ve been married for 12 years. When things are bad, they are really bad, like cold silence, sharp words, blame that somehow points to me. But then he apologizes. He cries. He says he sees it now. For a few days, sometimes a few weeks or months, he’s nice and sweet and back to the man I fell in love with. My pastor tells me this is growth and that marriage sanctifies us. Our counselor encourages patience and reminds me that change takes time. But I’ve started noticing something weird. I feel more attracted to him after we have a big blowup. When he pulls away, I panic. When he’s nice again, I feel peace wash over me that makes it all ok for a while. Then I almost feel bored and irritated. I keep telling myself this is just how marriage is. It is hard for everyone and endurance is godly but how long is hope supposed to hurt like this? Am I being faithful if I detach like I read about in these blogs? Why do I feel more attached to him after the worst moments not less?
Susan’s Response: Twelve years is not a short season. I hear you. When things are good, they feel tender and hopeful. When they are bad, they feel sharp, blaming, and isolating. That emotional swing is important to pay attention to. This is not just describing the typical “marriage is hard” scenario; you are identifying a harmful relational cycle. The detail that stands out most is not that he apologizes or that he cries, it’s your body’s reaction to this cycle. You feel panic when he pulls away, deep relief when he returns, and bored irritation as the relationship starts to stabilize. So let’s explore why the worst behaviors deepen attachment instead of weaken it.
Our nervous systems are designed by God for attachment. Right from the beginning, we were created for connection. When connection feels threatened, our bodies don’t consult theology, the local pastors, or counselors first, they activate. Distance registers as danger. Reconnection registers as relief. Relief can feel like love because it quiets the alarm bells. However, relief is not the same as safety.
Intermittent warmth is powerful. Behavioral science has proven that unpredictability, or intermittent niceness, strengthens attachment. This is what is referred to as trauma bonding. Not because the relationship is filled with trauma, and not because you are addicted to the drama, but because attachment deepens through the alternating stress and reward. This is biology and the nervous system bonds to this cycle. The brain learns that pain is followed by relief, distance then closeness, and fear is followed by soothing. The period of relief is reinforcing and it can feel like rescue. But relief is not the same as transformation. Real transformative repair builds security. Relief builds craving. And that craving can masquerade as love.
This is where language around sanctification can become confusing. Marriage can absolutely refine us. Scripture speaks about perseverance producing maturity. Sanctification moves us toward greater stability over time. It increases clarity. It deepens wisdom. It bears fruit that looks like love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, and self control. But It doesn’t require insecurity or instability to function.
Relational rupture and repair are a part of maturation and growth. Seasons of difficulty can expose pride, expand humility, and strengthen reliance on God. But this is not the same as remaining in a repeated cycle of rupture and relief. Growth always moves toward integration. Cycles of harm with intermittent periods of niceness, perpetuate instability and prevent true peace.
Sometimes what pastors and biblical helpers are calling sanctification or biblical endurance is actually a nervous system bonding to relief. This is a human response and yet Jesus has more for you.
When you ask if detaching is unfaithfulness, I wonder if the question may actually be something different. Like, If I stop riding the emotional waves, am I giving up on God’s work in my marriage? This is not unfaithfulness; faithfulness is not determined by how much chaos you can endure.
Detachment can seem like unfaithfulness if you are defining it as giving up or indifference. Healthy detachment is about differentiation and letting go of fixed outcomes. It’s about being able to remain calm and present to yourself even when the other person escalates. It is about refusing to let your nervous system take on the work of someone else’s dysregulation. And stepping back from the current pattern might allow the truth to become more clear.
The increased attachment you are mentioning is likely related to the intense feelings of relief. Sometimes we mistake intensity for intimate love. They are not the same. Attachment driven by panic or fear of loss does not allow for true intimacy. If your body has adapted to intensity as the source of connection, a sense of stability can feel unsettling, unfamiliar, or even boring. When things are calm on the surface or there isn’t a blowup to repair, the marriage may feel flat or dull, highlighting a hopeful desire for more energized emotions.
In what outcome or person are you currently placing your hope? Waiting on God’s promises, His certain hope, can be hard but it isn’t harmful. Biblical hope is anchored in steady truth, not intermittent relief. Matthew 11:28-30 gives a picture of the quality of Jesus’s loving care. It is easy, light, and brings rest to your soul.
I invite you to consider what your body learned to call love. Is it rooted in true intimacy as God intended? Or are you settling for the intensity of volatility followed by sweet relief? When connection is intermittent, relief feels like spring. But know this: relief is not an indicator of biblical hope, true intimacy, or trusted relational climate change.
Be well!
Beloved reader, when you have mistaken emotional intensity for intimacy and what helped you see the difference?
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Susan,
Thank you defining “trauma bonding “.
I’ve never quite understood the concept, because while I wouldn’t describe my marriage as “ traumatic “ ( to outsiders, it looks “ healthy”), yet my body is in a constant state of alert. I have had multiple cancers, and while I look like I should have a healthy heart, diagnostics show the heart of someone decades older and hundreds of pounds heavier, with no apparent medical reason.
I think many of us have been trained from a young age to ignore what both our bodies and our emotions are telling us, that we are not loved in a healthy way, and are not emotionally safe, and to pay attention only to the words of other people.
For instance, my husband says “ I love you”, but because of the consistent realities of his behaviors toward me, my body and my heart ( both figuratively and literally) know that his repeated actions and words are really demonstrating not love toward me, but a selfish, emotionally immature focus on getting his “ wants”, regardless of the hurt to me or damage to our relationship.
God gave us minds, hearts, and bodies designed to work as a whole, not to cancel each other out.
It’s taken me a ( ridiculously) long time to understand this basic principle. We can’t rush personal growth; we can only move toward a healthier way of thinking and living one step at a time.
Thank you Susan and Living in Grace for explaining trauma bonds so clearly! I’ve heard the term many times but it sounded too extreme to describe my situation. But now I see that it explains my whole life – and why the process of sanctification never quite seemed to fit my experience. My life with my dad and my husband of 44 years have been a constant cycle of explosions followed by calm. During the calm times there isn’t any interpersonal intimacy – no real conversations. Just surface level communication necessary for living in the same home. I’ve been starved for something real my entire life. I am finding that in Jesus, but I battle daily with my inability to leave my husband and “give up” on the relationship I’ve always wanted.
I pray that God will use this this increased understanding to set me free! I thank you both again helping me.
Barb, I was just re-reading this page, and I noticed something you said that resounded with me, about giving up the relationship you always wanted, the one you have worked for over 44 years.
One of the concepts that I’ve struggled with is “ living in reality”.
I had great hope for my marriage, at the start, but I am not the same person I was 40 years ago, and neither is my husband. The person I am now + the person he is now does not equal a healthy relationship.
And regardless of what many people will tell you, that “ if you change, he will too”, the reality is that no matter how much we grow, change, give up, ask for, empathize with, communicate, sacrifice, invite change, even speak up about the problems…nothing we do can guarantee that our husbands will understand, see our perspective, empathize with us, take responsibility for themselves, or work to improve themselves or the marriage. We can only offer the opportunity.
And then we can accept the reality, that the relationship today, and the likelihood of the relationship in the future, is never going to be the relationship we always wanted. Because there can’t be a healthy relationship when one of the partners persists in unhealthy attitudes, behaviors, and refuses to grow or change.
It’s kind of like math (as I remember it):
A positive ( healthy, growing, responsible person) + another positive person = positive, potentially healthy relationship (1 + 1 =2 healthy people, 1 positive relationship)
But a positive person + a negative, unhealthy person can’t equal a positive result: it’s an unhealthy relationship. (1 + (-1)=0 , or in multiplication, a negative)
I’ve learned so much from Leslie, Susan, and LeAnne; each day is another tiny step forward. I’ll keep you in my prayers, that you receive encouragement, hope, and peace.
Thank you so much! Through you, and other people in Conquer, God has taught me so much about myself. Other people’s story’s give us better perspective on our own. Living in reality is hard when I had misunderstood what was really happening for so long.
Most powerful words of truth. Thank you Susan
I’ve lived this same pattern for 23 yrs. God has been opening my eyes to the truth of my marriage. I realise that these explosive moments filled me with hope, that maybe this time…this would open his eyes and bring change.
But it never did. Not lasting change. Things would improve for a while and then it would return to the same old patterns.
Yet I still had hope that the next time – it would be different.
I’ve let go of that expectation now and as I work towards exiting out of this marriage into uncertain single parenting, I realise his core beliefs are not mine to change.
Beckah, you said it perfectly: “ his core beliefs are not mine to change”.
It took me years, but I finally absorbed the concept of boundaries, one of which is that someone else’s beliefs, thoughts, and behavior is their responsibility and within their control, not mine.
But it’s truly his core beliefs that are the heart of the problem. Beliefs about me, and about marriage, that are generally unsaid, during the “ calm” times, until one of his shows of temper: believing that I am less of a person than he is, less valuable, have contributed less, etc. And if I try to communicate my feelings or hold him accountable for what he says, I am invariably told that what I heard didn’t happen, that he doesn’t “ believe” he said those things – again, that I “ shouldn’t be hurt” by what he did, etc, etc. So his core beliefs are never challenged and never change, there is no growth on his part, no taking of responsibility for his actions. Nothing can change, nothing can be resolved or improved. Because his core beliefs are truly the problem and they direct his words and actions …but not my problem to fix, or my responsibility.
It’s really freeing to realize that those may be my husband’s core beliefs, but they don’t have to be mine.
Those beliefs don’t reflect what God says about me ( and everyone else). I can choose to believe God, and to live by God’s definition of me, not my husband’s definition of what he thinks of me.
Thank you Susan!
I wrote so many notes. Really excellent piece.
2 of the most thought provoking points to me were:“Attachment deepens through alternating stress and reward. Real transformative repair builds security. Relief builds craving.”
“(Jesus’s loving care) is easy, light, and brings rest to your soul”.
Thank you for these truths. And may the Truth set us free, even as we may be (as I am) striving to stay well.
I’m experiencing something similar to the person asking this question. Except, I don’t feel bored in my marriage. I’m more attracted to my husband when it seems that we’re heading in the right direction together and that he loves and appreciates me enough to work through his problems. But those times are very short-lived. We tend to have the same arguments every few months and the same tears and admission to needing to change, then the make up, but the change doesn’t happen. I’m not going to share too much in this comment, but I’ve been making some mental connections (recognizing damaging patterns of behavior) and I have been working on creating boundaries and not enabling the behavior any longer. I will do everything I can to support his healing and growth, but I have to remember that it’s not my job to create the change in him. It has taken me this long to realize that I had been enabling his destructive behavior when I sought to support him and care for him.