Divorce Is Hard Too. Is It Bad?
Morning friend,
I’m going through a good hard this month. Our kitchen, which is 25 years old, is being torn down and remodeled. As I write, I’m sitting in my bedroom listening to saws and hammers tear down our cabinets and remove flooring. All our pots and pans, silverware, dishes, spices, décor, junk drawers, and miscellaneous stuff that accumulates in kitchens for years has been tossed or packed away. It’s shocked me to discover how many lids had no containers, or containers had no lids. If they didn’t have a partner, I said goodbye.
Our temporary “new kitchen” is our laundry room. A coffee pot, electric tea kettle, blender, toaster, and hot plate is how we’ll function. I’m sure it will only get harder as it’s estimated to take 5 weeks. I’ll let you know how I do through hard. Today is day 1.
Today’s question: Marriage is a sacrament. When is ok to break that? I knew my husband liked “get rich” quick schemes when we got married 28 years ago. His spending and desire to “make it big” has continued all these years. He doesn’t know how to save. Both of us had less than ideal childhoods. Since the divorce proceedings have started, he is going to GA and I believe he is walking spiritually with Christ. We have adult children and a new grandbaby. It took me 28 years to discover the depth of his spending and dishonesty. I don’t trust him, but my heart is torn because I know he is trying hard to change. I’ve given him so many chances to be honest. In marriage counseling 3.5 years ago, he never came clean. When he looked at me and said, “I never intended for you to find out.” I left. I am hurt to the very core.
I have a guarded heart now and feel so broken. My family is 100% supporting me. They say he has never treated me right, he belittled me, he told me what to say, and always hovered over my shoulder. All these things I knew deep down inside but chose to block out. I never wanted to be a single mom. I don’t like divorce, and I take the marriage sacrament very seriously.
My children are not taking this well. I am so stressed through this whole ordeal. I’m losing my hair and I have lost 20lbs. I can’t sleep. My whole body is in pain. Does this get better once the divorce is finalized, or am I making a grave mistake? (I signed up for Conquer, but I don’t know if I can wait that long).
Answer: I’m sorry for all the pain and suffering you’ve experienced, both in your marriage as well as in this decision to divorce. For most of us, living with the pain we know is far easier than living with the pain we don’t know. Your marriage was painful, and you knew what that pain was for many years. Financial insecurity, coupled with his deceit, controlling and belittling words and actions towards you was your “normal”. And then you decided enough is enough.
You ask whether it’s okay for you to break the sacrament of marriage. Friend, I don’t see that you broke the sacrament. He did. Over and over again. Divorce doesn’t break the sacrament of marriage. Divorce is simply the legal declaration of that reality.
Your decision to divorce, however, has brought you a new kind of pain. Grieving what you always wanted but never got. Grieving what you thought was true. Letting go of the happy family story. Carrying false guilt around the divorce. Learning to live alone, make your own decisions, support yourself financially, make new friends, hold the grief of your children, deal with past childhood wounds, rebuilding your life – It’s a lot. ALL hard stuff.
Jesus warns us that in this world, we will experience hard things (John 16:33)….and hard is hard but not necessarily bad. Sometimes, hard can be good. The Bible even tells us that hard builds necessary muscles of perseverance, courage, faith, and resilience. (Romans 5:3-6; James 1:2-4). Perhaps the most important question you need to ask yourself right now is which hard will lead to greater growth and good for you? And perhaps for your husband? Returning to a marriage with someone who has had a long history of living like a rebel, lying, using get-rich schemes, dishonoring himself, God, and you? Or letting go of what was, and using this season of hard to learn something new?
For you, that might mean getting some help with your physical reaction to all the grief and stress you’re feeling through this divorce. Losing that much weight and not being able to sleep impacts your ability to think clearly and make good decisions. Go to your doctor for help to get your body to settle down. You may also need some counseling and temporary medication for the depression that you seem to be experiencing. I’m grateful you’ve joined CONQUER. Watch the videos, get on the FB group, and join the community to get the support you need from other women who are finding that they CAN DO HARD and on the other side comes healing, growth, strength, and self-esteem.
While you are working on getting healthier yourself, you can observe what your soon-to-be ex-husband does with his new hard. Is he continuing to work on his relationship with God? How about his finances? Is he paying his own bills? Paying back his debt? Paying you what the courts have told him to pay for alimony? Is he holding a job to earn money vs get-rich schemes? Is he demonstrating change in his actions that are verifiable and consistent over time? Or do you see more of the same? Words that have no substance behind them? Get rich schemes? Quick fix solutions to long-standing problems?
As you walk this new path of divorce, you get a chance to grow in new ways and so does he. You’ve already walked the old pain path for years and years and the only results were debt, deceit, devaluing of you, and continued heartache. Why go back to that? Yes, this new path also contains hard and pain, but it has greater potential to lead to new growth in you and in him.
If you’re interested in our CONQUER program, doors will open up on April 8th. I will be doing a free workshop: If He Doesn’t Hit You Is It Still Abuse? Sign up at www.leslievernick.com/joinworkshop
Friend, share when have you faced hard and found it to be good? How? Share how you changed, grew, or what you learned.
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Leslie, I don’t think you’ll ever know, this side of heaven, how many women you’ve helped! Thank you for being obedient to the Holy Spirit doing this very hard ministry. You’ve helped women, including me, heal and regain the life the Lord wants us to have. We love you and are grateful for you!
Beautifully put, true words, Debra!
Thank you, Leslie❤️
Amen!!🙌🏾Debra I wholeheartedly agree. I thank God for you Leslie, your willingness to teach the “whole truth” of the Word of God in love as it applies to marriage is not only refreshing, but essential to the cultivation of a successful marriage and long overdue!
Dear sister,
Marriage is sacred in the eyes of God and the only Biblical ground for divorce is adultery. We have made a lifelong covenant to love our husbands for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health. If you do not have Biblical grounds for divorce then please stay, as divorce will scar your soul for the rest of your life. But separation sounds necessary for your mental, emotional, physical and spiritual healing. Always love and honour God first, then be the Godly, loving and faithful wife that God wants you to be to your husband. Remember that this is a spiritual battle – this is more about you and your husband’s salvation than your marriage. Fully surrender yourself, your husband, and your marriage to Christ and allow Him to fight this battle for you. I have learned that when I stop fighting for myself, then God starts fighting for me. Live your life so that every night you can stand before God with a pure heart and clean hands, and Christ will give you peace now and victory in His time. With love and prayers
Dear Donna, I appreciate your commitment to following God with all your heart. I would like to point out that doing so may mean that He wants you to leave your marriage. “Biblical grounds” means different things to different people. The Bible can be interpreted differently dependingon which Scripturesyou reference and what your presuppositions are. We each stand before God for our lives. I have tried for almost 4 decades to be a loving, faithful, godly wife. Today it seems that separation, and very likely divorce, are the most loving thing I can do for my husband. This is a very hard thing, with much heartache. I have been seeking God and crying out to him all along. He has grown me through this. There are no pain-free solutions. I am choosing the path that has a possibility of growth and life for myself, my husband, my adult children, my grandchildren, my pastors. Whether they choose that path is between them and God. Pretending to be married when you are being repeatedly sinned against without any recognition, let alone sorrow or repentance, eventually requires action. Hypocrisy is clearly hated by Jesus. Calling it out made enemies for Him. There were some who heard (Nicodemus, e.g.), but most preferred to trust in their theological stances and in so doing rejected their Messiah. I do not want to make that mistake. Sadly, many in that list I mentioned, are, in my opinion, doing hat. I get it. I used to see things that way, too. I realize that my understanding of Scripture was incomplete. This is a hard pill to swallow. My parents divorced and I said “never!”. My husband has used that commitment to take advantage of me. I offer this comment only to encourage you to be open to not assuming that you know God’s will for everyone else. Please be gentle. We are trying to love God and our neighbor. What we do may not look loving to you, I understand that. Thank you for your concern and prayers.
Ask yourself why now he’s he making this grand effort to change.? If it’s real it will last after divorce , you can then have a family time with your adult children and no abuse. If it’s not real change he won’t keep walking with Jesus . Time tell truth. I was in sane situation as you his “chsnge” came each time I was done and yes each time it looked more real. As he knew exactly how to manipulate me. I had to stop living in hopium believing oh he gets it. Reality was he always knew he was abusing. “Repentance never came from Holy Spirit convicting him it was always me being done exposing him. Married 36 yrs and Divorced 6. I found conquer at end but it carried me through divorce and healing after.. Working the Conquer program put all my pastors counselors and What Good was revealing to me together. Conquer was life saving and life giving.
I’m not ashamed of my divorce as it takes 2 to make a marriage and just 2 to destroy it.
As for your kids. Speak truth from how you feel when dad has wronged you . Avoid slander but don’t put him on the honor block either.
Glaydis,
I am in a similar situation. I did file legal, separation and physically separated from my husband with my kids who are school age. When I discovered hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt that I never knew about, there was no accounting for the money why it was there what it was used for or anything like that.
It seems me asking him to move out and filing for legal separation, jolted him into some action. My husband is seeing a therapist and trying to make headway through thinking about attachment and family of origin issues. He has attempted to create some relationships with other Christian men, but it seems a bit poor and mediocre. He sporadically attends a church, but it does not seem he has worked to become a part of its community. In our couples counseling sessions, he is saying all the things he should say, but they are also all the things I’ve heard for the last 30 years. As I’m trying to figure out if I should divorce, or try to work towards a reconciliation of marriage, I feel crazy trying to figure out if the words are real now or if they’re still vacuous. I also have no idea how to determine this. We have been separated for about 13 months now, and I am scared to consider, even letting him back in. Because the anger, rage, and pain are still so great in me. And I just don’t know how to tell if it’s real or not with him.
I appreciate your question and the courage it took for you to put it here in this public space.
I think there are some clues I what you’ve written. If it’s half-hearted, if it’s just words — that’s not real change.
I’m in the same exact place as the person who asked the question. For me, leaving isn’t as hard as dealing with the condemnation from those who quote the black and white (or red) print. Jesus was always about the heart and not about the printed law.. When we leave due to issues that stem from evil—deceit, porn use (which is adultery, according to Jesus), addictions, abuse, manipulation—we leave to protect ourselves and our children and not because we want less “trouble,” but because we need to protect our hearts from the poison that started to/would start to contaminate it.
Hello-
I, too, was married to a cruel, manipulating, controlling, lying man who loves get-rich-quick schemes. Financial abuse and financial infidelity is devastating and devaluing. It destroys trust, and it destroys safety, and it is fraught with gaslighting. One of the things that helped me escape my marriage was researching gaslighting and developing an understanding of the extreme confusion that manifests from abuse. Confusion is from the devil, and gaslighting is his hate language. One other insight I can offer is to find a naturopath who understands trauma and can develop a supplement routine to support your body. Living in complex trauma depletes the adrenal glands and increases cortisol levels. Our bodies were not designed to live in a constant state of arousal, and this chronic form of fight/flight/fawn/freeze impacts weight, sleep, and concentration. Your body needs to be supported, even as you support your mind with God’s Word and Leslie’s teachings. I have weight issues as well. When I am in extreme anxiety and cannot eat, I have learned to supplement with bone broth and smoothies. Pack nutrition into the blender, blend, and drink. Keep your body fueled with easy-to-digest, nutrient-dense food.
It will get better. I have been divorced for three months, and although I have a seven-year-old still caught in the madness, we are able to have moments of peace and moments of safety. I even laughed yesterday. I experienced all that you explained in your post. It is part of the journey toward freedom. I am proud of you for honoring yourself and removing yourself from abuse. You were made for an abundant life and have every right to run after it. Blessings.
Hi there. So I’ve been married for almost 40 years. My husband , for the majority of our marriage has been emotionally and verbally abusive, sometimes in front of others, causing me to feel embarrassed and humiliated. He has gotten much better about it, however. It does still occur with the same venom that it always did. Because these episodes have lessened., – and he is TOTALLY aware of when he does it, and asks for forgiveness, do I still stay and just take it??
Lesli, Even though you say he has gotten “much better” about the abuse, you still have to decide how much you are willing to tolerate. If you have been reading this blog very long, you know that temporary improvement isn’t really the answer. You are still suffering abuse. Have you learned about how to set boundaries to protect your heart? Think about the toll that his abuse is taking on your body and soul. If you have children, what have they learned from the abuse they have observed? Please, read Leslie’s book about the emotionally destructive marriage, and consider joining a conquer group, which opens up soon for enrollment. We can forgive 70 times 70, but the abuse causes wounds which take years to heal. Forgiveness doesn’t always heal those wounds. May the Lord Himself lead you to a place of peace and rest for your heart.
Leslie,
I am grateful for the words you continue to convey about the sacrament of marriage, and how divorce is the legal finality. I left my husband of almost 24 years in 2022 for many of the same reasons. My divorce was final in September 2024, but instead of feeling like I am healing, I am burdened by all of the marital debt we accumulated, plus I have to pay alimony until I retire, at which point he will get 55% of my pension. I have worked in the public school system since I graduated college, and just turned 50 in November. I struggle to see how the burden I’m now left with will ever get easier. I know without a doubt that I needed to leave; even my children, who are now all adults, supported my decision, but could God really be allowing this financial burden for the rest of my earthly life? I prayed to accept what the court decided and then this was the decision. I am at a loss. I lived my entire marriage without security from my husband, of any kind, through affairs, job upon job upon job, verbal and spiritual abuse, etc. I am just looking for some hope that my life will be more than the burden I’ve been handed. I am grateful that I have a job that I can make ends meet, but it’s so HARD, and it makes my attempts at forgiveness that much more difficult. Any insight you could give is much appreciated.
Dyan Frame,
It sounds to me like whoever you had for a divorce lawyer didn’t fight very hard for you. For you to be left having to continue to support your ex after you supported him throughout your marriage is so unfair. I don’t know what’s legally possible where you live, but I would encourage you, if possible, to appeal the decision about your alimony and the debt you are having to repay. Do explore what legal recourse you have. This is a heavy burden for you to carry, after so many years of abuse. May the Lord guide you through this process.
I never wanted a divorce, but my ex left me 13 years ago after over 27 years of marriage and me always “trying harder.” It was only when I began to grow stronger in Christ, in a support group, in Leslie’s teachings, and in my responses that he decided he could find greener pastures somewhere else. I went through sleeplessness, weight loss, fear and anxiety for several months. It was a really tough time that I would not wish on anyone. I’d never want to go through it again. But the writer asked if it will ever get better. ABSOLUTELY! As the years have gone by, I’ve worked to grow emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically and financially. The Lord has been so good to me! Has life been hard at times? ABSOLUTELY! Have I grown a lot and seen God answer prayers and provide? ABSOLUTELY! Meanwhile, every once in a while I hear about my ex’s latest divorce, financial woes, health problems, and alienation of his friends and family. I feel sad for him and pray for him, but I thank God I was delivered from a man who had so many issues others have mentioned. Seek the Lord and trust Him, even if your marriage crumbles due to the hard fact of your husband’s character issue destroying your marriage. There is abundant life after divorce!
This is a great post. I recall a prior post where Leslie wrote’ Marriage was made for man, not man for marriage.’ In order to minimize what I experienced in my marriage, I explained away everything until things were so snarled that the reality was unescapable. My children and I have found healing and we are living beautiful lives. I am so thankful for Leslie and her team for speaking God’s Truth to me!!