When His Mother Comes First: Why This Happens and What a Wise Woman Can Do
These days, I find myself wanting warm sunshine and longer days, and of course, some plans for the summer vacation and activities. I remember the days when the kids were still at home. Family vacations were always planned around our extended family that loved to camp and visit the mountains of Tennessee…Gatlinburg specifically. I loved creating memories with our extended family. For some of us, extended family and specifically in-laws can be an unwelcome and intrusive presence where a sense of obligation and duty are more present than choice and freedom.
Today’s Question: “How do I have an influence and presence in my spouse’s heart and mind when he is more greatly influenced by his mother’s desires, opinions, and preferences than mine.”
Please know that your desire to have a meaningful voice and place in your spouse’s heart and mind is a healthy and important part of mutuality in marriage. When this doesn’t happen, feelings of confusion and hurt can be a valid response to the broken hope of wanting to walk in partnership as his primary partner and influence.
Marriage is designed to be a union of two and not an emotional entanglement or triangulation of three. A husband who looks to his mother for approval or input in decision making lacks the ability to set necessary boundaries to protect your marriage. If your spouse fails to set healthy boundaries with his mother he creates a deeper sense of loyalty to her than to you.
Is it possible that your husband is not aware of how you feel when he sides with his mother over you or values her opinion over yours? He may have become a “mom-pleaser” early in life, leading to a conflict of loyalties and a struggle to form his own identity, especially as your husband. What happens when you tell him that you feel undermined and disrespected?
If his mother encourages this entanglement, It often comes with strong expectations and a motherload of guilt for him. Divided loyalties strain relationships and lead to feelings of resentment. Your marriage is meant to be the primary relationship in your husband’s life.
God intended marriage to be very different than what we often experience. When the two become one flesh, a new family unit is meant to form and the husband and wife build a shared identity, with loyalty to one another and an intimate partnership. If this doesn’t happen, it becomes very difficult to experience oneness in the relationship where the couple becomes deeply connected and united in shared loyalties and can have an agreed upon direction for their lives. In Luke 11:17 Jesus speaks to this when he says a home that is not unified will not have peace and stability.
What can you do when your spouse does not see this or hear you, or isn’t willing to address the damage this is doing to you or your connection with him?
You may achieve your goal of having influence in your husband’s life by stewarding your response, setting boundaries, and caring for your well-being. For example:
Here are some internal examples of you might consider:
- Stay calm and regulated when emotions run high.
- Take time to pause and think about how you would like to respond.
- Consider what personal boundaries you can set for yourself that are protective of your values, your identity, and your priorities.
- Pay attention to when you are passive and practice speaking up assertively.
- Ask yourself what caring for your own heart looks like.
You might consider having a gentle, non-accusing conversation with your spouse inviting him to awareness and reflection. These are thoughtful questions that invite him to reflect.
“What do you think it looks like for a husband to put his marriage first?”
“How do you think we could protect our relationship while still honoring your mom?”
“How could we make sure we are making important decisions as a team?”
Your longing for a marriage that feels mutual, supportive and protective is a good and healthy desire. Change in relationships rarely happen overnight, yet small steps forward still count.
You are not walking this path alone. Many women share in this journey as they learn to honor their hearts, grow stronger, and seek healthier relationship patterns.
May you stay curious. May you stay grounded. May you remain gentle with yourself. May you be rooted in truth. (Jeremiah 33:3; Matthew 7:24; Ephesians 4:32; Colossians 2:6-7)
God cares for you. He sees you. – Psalm 139:10; Romans 15:13
Friend: Have you felt like an outsider in your own marriage? What strategies have you used to regain your stability and agency? Share your experiences in the comments below.
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This happened to me. . 25 years later I still struggle to share my own identity, values and opinions because my husband’s family are so demanding of him. I am grateful for Leslie’s courses and also for Natalie Hoffman, as these women have taught me how to at least be myself within this web of enmeshment. However over the course of the years I have found myself going from being an extrovert to an introvert, and hiding my lamp under a bushel many times in order to keep the peace. When I gently enquired of my husband to examine the issues that his family were causing I was informed that I was the one that did not understand. My church backed my husband up because he is the head of the family. The whole experience has changed the shape of my faith in God too. At least I am growing and learning new skills as a person, I hope
You’ve carried a heavy tension for a long time. Your growth and work to be yourself in the midst of this is a noble effort. Thank you for sharing.
Mother, sister, ex girlfriend, anyone but you. If you’re his target, nothing you say or do will change it, only make it worse because any hurt you show will make him think, ah-hah, that’s how I can get to her. My h’s sister has a key to this house but I didn’t for 3 years. Things go missing, she slyly mentions something she’s seen… One time he signed us up for a marriage retreat. He’d arranged for his ex girlfriend to be there.
You deserve safety, respect, and to have your boundaries taken seriously Connie. Thank you for responding.
I think this is really sound, biblical advice!
I’d add one little clarification that makes a big difference. Here: “When the two become one flesh, a new family unit is meant to form and the husband and wife build a shared identity, with loyalty to one another and an intimate partnership.”
I’d add: “When the two become one flesh, a new family unit is meant to form. Now–in addition to their own individual identities–the husband and wife build a shared identity, with loyalty to one another and an intimate partnership.”
There can be a lot of misunderstanding about the need to lose yourself (your own voice/thoughts/dreams, etc) to create a new “shared identity”. I’m so glad we get to keep our own identities–and Add a shared one!
Yes Hope —such an important clarification. Becoming one doesn’t mean losing who you are; it means bringing your whole, God-given self into the relationship while also building something shared together.
I have had the trouble of his sister being number one. While he was single after a divorce she became his go to person for every need. So when we married she continued acting like his “other wife”. Sending texts phone calls continuously overbearing. Even a birthday box with paper plates napkins etc???? for all the party needs. I was so offended that I couldn’t give him “my birthday “as his new wife. It’s been a hard thing for him to see his enmeshment with her. He is defending her of course as caring and loving but I was jealous and needed him to understand my feelings. It’s a process.
Thank you for responding Cindy. You named it – even a sister can become a surrogate spouse.
Oh how I have struggled with this one! And then accepting that behaviour is a language that requires us to listen to it and NOT live in HOPIUM.
Bless you ladies for reminding us how to respond when faced with this.
You’re so right – behavior speaks. It takes courage to listen honestly rather than clinging to “hopium”.
My third party was not a mother in law; it was his job I did not feel like an outsider. Rather, I felt entangled. I had some confusion, and I had no tools in my tool belt to handle issues. I did have God and prayer .and He was there for me. (Later in time, I learned about H’s growing up years and realized that also played a part.)
Some strategies (“tools”) I have found useful:
-I changed some wrong beliefs. For example, early in marriage, one belief I had was that we should be able to talk things out and come to some kind of congruence. I learned that it was okay for that to not happen. Now, I know it is okay to express myself even if I don’t end up being understood, (as long as one is safe doing so-H doesn’t throw things, hit/destroy things, yell…)
-I have learned to be content being myself autonomously separate from H. (I consider myself first, because God says to love others AS YOU LOVE YOURSELF.) (I don’t need all that I choose to do, to be what meets his or other’s needs.) (I can choose “to do” something that is completely me, who God made me to be, that’s completely separate from H and his life.)
-I am comfortable with being a normal human. That means it’s okay if I don’t “say it perfectly,,” or if I see later I could have done something differently or not. I don’t mull over things too much , or “beat myself up mentally,” I quickly leave it behind and move forward however needed. Sometimes that means just leaving it behind, other times it means journaling, and other times it means I need to say sorry or retry in a way I’ve determined better.
My stability has come from realizing who I am. I am an individual person God loves and made unique, who is married. God does not require one individual to give up who He designed them to be simply because they are married. My agency comes from learning who that person God created me to be is by asking God, by looking at what I naturally enjoy not even realizing time is passing, and by seeing how I can easily incorporate my deepest joy and skills into my current life situation that can meet others where they are at, that may or may not having anything to do with my spouse.
*For the mother in law, if my H finger it when I explained it, I’d simply separate myself mentally and physically as needed. Perhaps that could look like taking different vacations (and being content even if other s think that’s weird) or mentally reminding myself H’s attachment to mom is his problem not mine.
Thank you for sharing this so honestly April. It’s beautiful how you’ve learned to honor your God-given identity and develop tools that bring both freedom and stability.
April, thanks for sharing!
I love this: “ I am comfortable with being a normal human. That means it’s okay if I don’t “say it perfectly,,”
I know I’m not the only one who has spent years trying to say things “ perfectly “, subconsciously thinking that if I just found the perfect words/ phrase/ tones, etc, that my H would finally listen, hear, understand, empathize with me, take responsibility for his own behaviors, choose to grow, want to have a healthy relationship, etc.
Thinking that I was maybe communicating poorly, that there could be magic words that would get through…gave me a false, unrealized hope: that the particulars of what I said or did, and how I communicated, was within my control and THEREFORE I had some control over the outcome. That if I just found the magic formula I could create a healthy marriage.
I finally understand the reality:
I have zero control over, or even influence, and certainly no responsibility for, my husband’s thoughts, attitudes, feelings, or behaviors
Nothing that I am or that I do lessens his responsibility to manage himself and his behaviors.
So it is ok to accept that if I were in a normal, healthy marriage, being a “ normal human” would be enough.
I never asked for perfection from my husband, yet I thought I was required to be “ perfect” in order to receive the gifts I extended to him: constant care, consistent respect, honest communication, empathetic support.
Now I know better.
Living in Grace – you did articulate this perfectly! It was like you were plucking this from my head and heart.
Pauline, I have received so much encouragement, grace and support from the women here. I pray you will also be uplifted in your journey ❤️