When Fixing Him Becomes Your Survival Strategy
Hello LV&Co friends! Recently, I went to the ballet with a friend. Each year, my local ballet company does a production where the dancers step into the role of choreographer to create original pieces that are performed as part of the program. As I watched, I found myself thinking about how much is happening beneath the surface. What looks fluid and effortless on stage is actually the result of constant awareness, adjustment and self-control. Every movement is intentional.
It made me think about how we move through relationships. We don’t always move with such intention. Without awareness, adjustment, or self-control, the unhealthy patterns we have practiced over time show up with effortlessness. What drives us underneath is not always known, but is often an emotion we have not yet learned to notice.
As you ponder this reader’s question, I invite you to take a moment to notice what resonates and what feels familiar.
Today’s Question: My husband struggles with a lot of things, follow through, emotional maturity, and sometimes basic responsibility. He had a difficult childhood, so I know some of this comes from trauma. I find myself constantly stepping in to help him think things through, manage situations, and encourage him to do better. If I don’t, things tend to fall apart or get avoided completely. Lately, I’ve been feeling exhausted and a little resentful, but I also don’t see how things would function if I stopped trying to help. I don’t want to abandon him or stop supporting him, but I’m starting to wonder if I’m doing too much because of what I am learning through LV&Co. How do you know when helping your husband is loving and when it might actually be unhealthy?
Susan’s Response: This is such an honest and heartfelt question. I hear the desire to show love and care, as well as a willingness to gain more awareness about what healthy love actually looks like. I also want to highlight exhaustion and resentment as important signals. Your emotions exist to guide you, to direct you into health and healing.
For many women, fixing isn’t just about helping, it’s about relieving anxiety. Most people are aware of the basic survival responses of fight, flight, freeze and even fawn. These terms give us language to understand an internal pattern that gets set off when the body senses threat, instability or that something feels off. We don’t have to think about it; it just happens. But there is another response that shows up in relationships, especially for women who care deeply about holding things together. We call this survival strategy, fix.
Instinctive fixing can look like helping, supporting, reminding, encouraging, or stepping in to smooth over a situation before it falls apart. On the surface, it can appear responsible and loving and sometimes it is. Over time, fixing can slowly become an automatic way to protect from the fear of instability or collapse.
Without even realizing it, anxiety can become an unintentional driver of behavior. Somewhere in the body, a narrative begins to form over time that says something like, “If I don’t step in, things will fall apart; and it will be my fault.” There may be a sense that if you can fix it, you should. Or even if you can’t, then something is wrong with you for not being able to fix it. These, often unconscious, thoughts create nervous system dysregulation and a sense of threat in the body.
If you are a woman who values balance in the systems around you, you may function at a very high level to maintain it. However, overfunctioning requires constant vigilance to make sure everyone and everything in the system is okay. This hyper-vigilance is taxing on the body, but there is another cost as well. When you constantly manage someone else, you stop listening to your own discernment and needs. When anxiety is running the show, internal clarity, self trust, presence and connection with yourself get lost.
This imbalance of responsibility can feel like relief in the short term because the system is balancing more effectively. But over the course of time, it doesn’t feel equitable or manageable to maintain. This is where the emotions of resentment and exhaustion come in to give helpful feedback.
The sensation of relief is powerful and may override other emotions. Quick relief from anxiety keeps us coming back for more. And as we continue on with fixing or being overly responsible for what does not belong to us, the behavior becomes rewarded and stronger over time.
When you can organize, solve, or improve someone else’s issue, your body gets a momentary break from the anxiety. The nervous system settles because the action of fixing has replaced the uncertainty. But that relief doesn’t last long before another issue appears or uncertainty returns again. What many women have never been taught is that the same compassion they extend to others can also be directed inward. Staying with your own discomfort may be more challenging than fixing an external problem.
Women may step in because they believe they are being responsible and helpful. But when anxiety is running underneath the surface, what they may actually be doing is trying to fix anxiety they are not consciously aware of. Awareness is the beginning of change. When we can bring awareness to our patterns of fixing, we have the opportunity to choose something different, something more helpful long term.
With awareness, allow yourself to name the fears. Before going toward the fixing behavior, pause and ask yourself, “What is happening in my mind, body, and emotions right now?” Discernment grows with an intentional pause and awareness. God gives wisdom and promises to give it generously without reproach. (James 1:5)
What does healthy love look like? The most loving thing to do is allow other adults the dignity of carrying their own responsibilities and choices. Love does not take over responsibilities that another adult is capable of carrying. (Galatians 6:5)
The ability to develop a loving relationship with yourself takes willingness to pause long enough to notice what is happening in your body before you reach for quick relief. Instead of fixing his problem, practice staying present with yourself and the discomfort for a moment. Stillness allows the anxious urgency to dissipate so that wise discernment can return. Recalling Psalm 46:10, “Be still and know that I am God”, is an active step.
Fixing changes the situation quickly. Staying with yourself changes you slowly. I encourage you to nurture yourself with kindness and compassion so that you can regulate the anxious feelings and re-access wise discernment. Nurture others in your life as well by asking yourself, “what does real help look like here?” Not just quick relief but support that leads to lasting growth and maturation. What happens inside of you when you resist stepping in may be the very place God is longing to meet you to bring health and bind up your wounds.
At this point, a very real question often comes up. “If I stop stepping in, what happens to everything I have been holding together?” This is where the work becomes both internal and external. Learning to pause, notice, and regulate your own anxiety is the first step. However, it is not the last. Awareness creates space to begin shifting patterns in the relationship as well, including how responsibility is carried and communicated.
Next month I will continue to address this reader’s question with a part two response. We will look more closely at what it means to move from awareness into wise action, how to invite change, communicate needs, and discern what is yours to manage and what is not. Until then, keep paying attention to what is happening within you. Awareness is where change begins.
Be well!
Beloved reader, how have you discerned whether the desire to fix is driven by anxiety or by wisdom?
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This article is an explanation for a ‘fixer’. I am releiving my own anxiety. Stop and speak out what I am anxious about . Hear myself and wait for wisdom. Respect the other person’s right to fix for themselves. Thank you .
Thank you for your comments, Kerry! Glad to have you as part of the LV&Co community.
Thank you! This is really helpful! I’m noticing the resentment so it’s time to pause and recalibrate!! Sometimes my resentment is just selfishness and sometimes it’s from over functioning.
Thanks for commenting, Mes V! Yes, pausing is so helpful in allowing time to process what is really going on internally. Your vulnerability is appreciated!
I am a former fixer. I try to watch myself closely to see where I absorb my husband or anyone Ellers’s problems. The saddest part is I no longer accept the way I am treated because when I stopped fixing I could no longer rationalize his love for me. It isn’t love- it is non commodification, over promising and rarely delivering at all or so late that I have already handled my need, it is lack of intimacy or doing anything to nurture the relationship- it is financial abuse and not talking about reality. I fixed it all and now I don’t. Unless it is the mortgage or something related to stability for me and my kids. It is painfully lonely, having to often daily out my hand on my heart and say, ” I choose me” but we each are responsible for our lives and the contribution we make. And I am sitting with the anxiety around my responsibilities.
Susz, I am sad with you. Very true; we are each responsible for our lives and the contribution we make. I’m glad to hear that you are prioritizing your growth; its hard work!
How do you not step in when your husband has Alzheimer’s?? His decisions are not w common sense anymore. I feel I enable and try to prevent problems or fiascos before they happen. If I sit and wait it out in this discomfort I feel responsible for possible problems. Caregiving makes you stay one step ahead of potential problems!
This question is about a capable adult. It someone has dementia, they are not a capable adult. Have some grace for those who can no longer care for themselves.
I’m in that boat too: husband with dementia, I’ve had to take over much of normal adult responsibilities for over 20 years as his memory and cognition slowly declined. It’s hard reading advice like this; I have to tell myself, “does not apply” or else I feel guilty and wonder if my being a “fixer” actually took away his agency and made him this way. But that’s the enemy speaking.
This is such an important distinction and I am glad you commented. Caring for a spouse with Alzheimer’s is not the same as over-functioning in a relationship where both adults are capable of carrying responsibility. When someone is no longer able to use sound mind and judgment or make safe decisions, stepping in is not fixing, it is protecting and caring or in other words, caregiving. So in your situation, the question is not, “should I step in?” In many cases, out of love, you will need to.
What I do hear in your words, though, is the weight of having to stay one step ahead all the time. That kind of constant vigilance can create its own form of anxiety and pressure in your body. Even when stepping in is necessary, there is still an internal experience to care for. You may notice thoughts like: If I don’t catch this, something bad will happen. Or it’s all on me to prevent problems. And while there is truth in the increased responsibility you are carrying, it can also begin to feel like everything rests on your shoulders alone.
Part of caring well in a situation like this is not only attending to your husband’s needs, but also recognizing your own limits. Support, shared responsibility, and moments of rest are part of sustaining this kind of care over time. So while this post may not fully apply to your situation in a practical sense, there is still an invitation to notice what is happening inside of you as you carry so much. Not so that you step back from necessary care, but so that you are not carrying the emotional weight of it alone.
May God be with you in this very hard place!
This woman is living the life i lived. My husband also has choldhood abuse and uses it to this day to be a victim. I did everything for him, made all the money while he played golf and bowled in league. I made his dr appointments and picked up his cigarettes. Makes me sick to even type this now as weve just signed our divorce papers. I still question myself every day if i did the right thing but then i remeber he saw nothing wrong with anyof this, and had no intention for growth. It wasnt his fault he doesnt have a vehicle even though he drove my company vehicle in the river coming home from the bar. Christian leaders like leslie helped me walk through this situation and see he is reaponsible for himself and accountable for his actions. Nonlonger do i have to make excuses for him or cater to his wants.
So glad you claimed your freedom Laura! It’s stories like yours that are helping me to evaluate and make changes. God bless you and your journey. Denise
Laura, be kind to yourself. The journey of life will teach us many things. Insight creates opportunity for new choices.
This is me, an over functioned. My husband “forgets “ or “doesn’t think”all his terms to handle things. I trying to put these principles in place for myself. My husband is an intelligent adult who can handle everything he needs to have happen for his health or his individual purposes, so I’m sure he can step up with the things that need to be done to make our marriage work. I’m taking my hands off come what may.
Sue, stay close to this community. We are stronger together.
Thank you so much for this post and the responses. As I was reading it, I received a text from my husband, his “crisis du jour” as I call it. This helped me hold back a good while before responding. Things had settled down quite a bit by then, and when I finally got the whole story, there was no crisis at all. I need to practice ignoring the drama! Thanks again.
It’s so helpful to hear others’ experiences…thank you!
For decades, I thought it was my God-given responsibility to “ fix” ….everything…especially anything that my husband was” unhappy” with.
When I finally ( at about year35) started to learn what was truly my responsibility…my own thoughts and actions, NOT his thoughts, feelings, attitudes, and behaviors…I made some changes in my behaviors. I remained kind and supportive, but I stopped accepting responsibility and blame that wasn’t mine to carry.
This triggered “ phase two”… my husband directly, repeatedly, blames me for his behaviors ( like excessive alcohol use) and tries to make me responsible for his behaviors. He emotionally “ punishes” me for his choices and hurtful actions..and then gets made at me for being hurt by hurtful behaviors, and for emotionally detaching for my own self-respect and sanity.
He has continued to refuse to be responsible for himself or for the consequences of his behaviors.
I can’t feel close to someone who I can’t talk to, who refuses to listen to me or care about my feelings, and who chooses to remain an emotional toddler. Yet he continues to “ argue” that if I would “ just” comply with his wishes…acting as though we have a close, mutual relationship where physical affection makes sense…then he would be “ happy”.
He refuses to look at himself, be responsible for his behaviors or the consequences of them, or choose to grow or change in any way.
So there have been two levels of “ fixing “ behavior for me to address:
First, my own tendency to be a “ fixer”
Secondly, his demands that I “ fix” circumstances, or change my own behavior ( against my own sense of self) in order for him to avoid being responsible for himself and his actions.
Neither are ok, healthy, or something that I’m going to participate in any more.
Thank you for sharing your wise insights here, Living in Grace!
Susan, thank you, but if I have gained any wisdom, it’s been through learning from people like the wise women of LV&co, and a lot of trial and error, study, rumination ( not the healthiest method!), therapy, encouragement from friends, …and little bitty steps forward. And grace…from God, from others, and even from myself.
‘crisis du jour’ love that! Thank you for a good chuckle this morning.
Great job, Pat! Celebrating with you!
Omg. I say crisis du jour too.
I am seeing where my own lack of working through my emotions has caused more problems. I haven’t been able to articulate what is bothering me for three decades. I just thought that I lacked self-control because it never lasted indefinitely like my husband’s. The issue is that he has never opened himself up to me at a deeper level. This has caused a cascade of irresponsible behaviors in me. I’m learning that my attachment style isn’t good which has been driving him further away. I am also recognizing that I am so blessed as to not have a verbally, physically, spiritually abusive husband. He is more negligent and even ignorant than intentionally emotionally/mentally abusive. Nevertheless, a marriage can’t survive, let alone thrive, when he is permanently disconnected. Now that he is having to face the fact that he isn’t able to fix things or be successful at whatever he puts his hand to (a first for him!) he is automatically blaming me because he has made me the antagonist in his story. Yes, it hurts but God has called me to walk along side him. I just need to learn how to do that maturely in a way that honors myself instead of “becoming nothing for him. “
Jessi, good relational skills take training. Be patient with yourself as you learn and grow. It sounds like you are moving in a healthier direction. LV&Co is here to support you.
Thanks for voicing the pattern I can so much relate to. Over decades I’ve done the same fixing until I started realizing what was really going on. I made some changes. The less I participated in being manipulated into his wishes and needs, the worse things got. He made me even more responsible, which through learning awareness and wisdom I wasn’t baited into. Meanwhile he became even less responsible and things really fell apart. The truth about his bad behavior started revealing itself! To stay safe, decent and become healthy I needed to distance myself altogether. I’m FOR myself now. And even learned to feel good about it!