When Change Looks Good But Trust Still Feels Far Away
Morning friend,
I just put together an amazing workbook for you all for our upcoming workshop on February 10th called I’m Not Ok When You’re Not Okay: Defining my problem, your problem and our relationship problem.
So many of your questions are around this very topic. But you must register to attend. The webinar will be off of public social media at a private webinar space. We will need your e-mail to send you the link and workbook. The webinar itself will be about an hour and then I’ll stay for an hour after to answer your questions. We will be offering two LIVE sessions, one at noon ET and the other at 7:30 pm ET. You won’t want to miss it. Please share with someone who might find it helpful. Sign up here.
Today’s Question: My emotionally abusive husband has been taking great strides in self-improvement lately. I see him respecting many of my boundaries. He’s going to therapy and even asked if we could do couples counseling, both of which he had previously said he would never do again. For the first time since we’ve been married, he’s seeking out community from our church. He’s also reading self-help books about coping with anxiety.
However, he still disagrees with our prior marriage counselor’s assessment that he was abusive (even though our close friends, my family, my therapist, and everyone else privy to the details of our relationship agree that his behavior is abusive). He still seems to care more about his “authority” as a husband and father than he does about my felt safety or feelings.
He hasn’t exhibited any of his old abusive behaviors in the last couple of months, which feels miraculous. But I don’t trust him. I often feel as though I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. When he is kind, I can’t discern if he is just acting kind so that he can get something in return or if he genuinely wants to be kind to me. I believe he expects me to trust him and be intimate with him again now that he’s being kinder, but after 8 years of emotional abuse, I don’t feel emotionally safe being vulnerable with him.
Can I learn to trust him without him accepting that he has been abusive? What value or weight does that particular admission hold? Can we have a healthy, loving relationship without him openly recognizing the impact his actions have had?
Answer: You ask great questions about the viability of your relationship with your husband. I’m encouraged to hear that he is respecting your boundaries, going to therapy himself, reading books to learn how to handle his anxiety, and developing male relationships. He’s also open to future marital counseling. These are all signs that give you hope things might be better in the future.
Yet you hesitate, not fully embracing these changes or trusting him again. Rightly so. It feels incongruent. He’s going to individual therapy, yet he doesn’t agree that he was abusive in his behaviors or attitudes toward you. He is now respecting your boundaries, but he cares more about his authority as a husband and father than he does about your felt safety or feelings. You fear he expects you to be happy with his progress, open and trusting, eager to resume physical intimacy—and yet you don’t feel safe with him.
Let’s start with the questions in your last paragraph. First, can you fully trust him again if he doesn’t admit his behaviors were abusive?
What weight would that admission have for you? Even if he agreed he was abusive, would that enable you to trust him again? Or feel safe? Not really. Agreeing that something is a problem isn’t the same thing as stopping or changing the problem behavior. If I were you, I wouldn’t camp out on his admitting abuse. I don’t think that will give you the security you desire. What’s more crucial is your second question: “Can we have a healthy, loving relationship without him openly recognizing the impact his actions have had?”
The short answer is no. Part of any healthy relationship—whether you are married or not—is caring about the impact you have on someone. Even if you did something accidentally, like step on someone’s toe, you would show concern for the impact. Most of us would say, “Oh I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to step on your toe. Are you okay?” And if their toe was broken or bleeding, a healthy, caring individual wouldn’t walk away or blame the other person. He wouldn’t say, “It’s your fault,” or “It was just an accident.” No, we would help them. Pay for their medical care. We would give our resources (time, energy, money) to make restitution for the harm we caused—even if it was minor, even if what happened was unintentional, the damage is still real.
Repair is an important process in all relationships, especially marriage and family life. We all do things that negatively impact one another, especially those we live with. Because we are sinners, that is going to happen at times. But if we deflect, minimize, blame, deny, or spiritualize what we’ve done by misusing Scripture or our “authority,” then repair cannot be made, and the relationship remains broken.
Your husband has been doing something new. You’re not exactly sure why, or for what reason, but you said that he “hasn’t been exhibiting his old abusive behaviors.” If he didn’t see them as abusive, then why did he stop them? How did he know what to stop? Is it possible he stopped because he saw they impacted you in a negative way, even if he didn’t see anything wrong with them?
Do you feel safe enough to invite him into an honest conversation? What might happen if you said something like: “Hey, I’m grateful that you’ve been going to therapy and want us to go to counseling for our marriage. I see you’ve been kinder to me lately. Thank you. Can I ask you a question?” (STOP and wait until he agrees to answer. If he doesn’t want to, don’t push. If he’s willing, then continue.) “What’s different for you? You haven’t been [insert the behaviors he used to do that you labeled “abusive”]. I’m curious because in the past you saw nothing wrong with [those behaviors], so what’s different now?”
His willingness to reflect on himself, listen to you with respect, and answer your question honestly will give you some additional clues as to whether he is truly doing his work or doing what he needs to do to get you to calm down and “get back to normal.”
In addition, he may believe his “authority” as a husband or as head of the home gives him the role as “leader,” but Jesus describes a leader as a servant, not a bully or one who “rules over” others. (See Jesus teaching his disciples on this: Matthew 20:25-28; Mark 10:42-45.)
He may or may not be growing or changing. But I hope you too are growing and changing. A safe and stable marriage requires two healthy adults. You are God’s image bearer, not just a wife. You have thoughts and feelings, ideas and needs that may be different than his, and you should be free to express them without fear. If you attempt to have this new conversation and it goes well, then continue wiring up your courage and invite more honest talk. If this conversation goes nowhere, gets scary, or he pulls an authority card to silence you, then understand whatever is changing is more superficial and won’t last.
This “seeing” process isn’t always a straight line or clear-cut. It will require you taking an active role in observing, being honest with your experience, sometimes challenging, questioning, expressing your thoughts, fears, feelings, and boundaries, and watching how he responds. Is it different than before? Does he value your perspective as his helpmate? Does he care how his words and actions impact you and the children? Is he able to articulate the changes he wants to make in himself as a husband/father/man of God and why? Is he consistent in moving forward with them? And if not, what is his relapse prevention plan? When he messes up, does he own it? Repair the damage? Or blame you or gaslight what happened?
Over time these things will show you whether you can begin to trust him or not. Trust is not automatic nor unconditional. Jesus loved people but he didn’t always trust them (John 2:24-25). Proverbs warns us not to trust people who have been untrustworthy (Proverbs 25:19). Don’t allow yourself to be pressured to do something God doesn’t do himself.
Friend, once your trust was broken, what did the process of repair look like?
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Wow. Words of wisdom, indeed.
In my marriage, I have clearly communicated the needs of a healthy relationship, gently communicated when I was being hurt by abuse, and asked for my husband to be responsible for himself and to act to repair our marriage.
He continues to refuse any responsibility or accountability for his attitudes and actions, refusing to acknowledge his behaviors or my feelings. And yet he expects ( this he is clear about) me to trust him and be intimate with him again ,
as the writer describes, “ because “ he occasionally shows me “ kindnesses” like doing the dishes or taking out the trash. Basic chores, definitely not “amends” for years of emotional abuse.
He doesn’t acknowledge his actions or the consequences of them, he doesn’t respect my boundaries, he won’t go to therapy ( “ because he knows everything they would say.”)
I can’t recall him ever expressing a need or desire to change, although he has expressed “ shame about everything “…expecting pity and amnesty from me…until his next tantrum or silent treatment episode when he doesn’t get his wants fulfilled.
This question and answer was helpful to me. It lets me see even more clearly that my husband’s “ expectations “ for physical intimacy are, logically, totally incongruent with his actions and attitudes toward me, in the context of a healthy relationship.
And that my feelings of needing to be safe, to protect myself, which have led to me detaching from him mentally, emotionally, and physically, as I’ve grown as a person ….make perfect sense.
Love can be unconditional ; relationships, and relational access, should never be.
“ Trust is not automatic nor unconditional.”
And a very helpful, important bit of wisdom: “ Don’t allow yourself to be pressured to do something God doesn’t do himself.”
Wow words of wisdom indeed. Everything in your post, I have and still do am going through it. Right now his attitude is good toward me. ( in the last week that is) .But I know from past experiences it doesn’t last. Just waiting for the next shoe to drop. I also have no emotional, physical, or spiritual connection with my husband. I can’t reason with him, give my opinion or advice. He doesn’t want to hear it and cuts me off. This has been going on for 16years. But divorce is out of the question. He doesn’t know me nor is interested in getting to know about me. I have a good relationship with my children from a previous marriage. But they live 1000 miles away. I don’t share with him about my family because he is not interested so I keep it to myself. I rely on God to get through the day. So stay close to Him! He is your only hope.
Kathy, may I ask you why divorce is not an option?
Because I believe this is where God wants me. I have learned to depend on Him everyday. This has made me closer to God., and I don’t think that he wants me to divorce him. But to learn to trust him in my circumstances.
100% to both of your posts above! This is me exactly!
This has been nice to read. Im going through a similar situation. Years of verbal abuse and manipulation. When I bring up how things have affected me in the past and why I dont feel comfortable having deeper conversations I usually get gaslit, told things never happened the way Im remembering them, im being overly dramatic, or I do the exact same things to him (which that comment always throws me into a head spin because then I obsess over my own behavior and try to remember, when did i do or say something like that) my reality gets chaotic. How do you move forward with the relationship if your spouse is unwilling to acknowledge their past behavior, or acknowledge the fact that we all walk on egg shells because were just waiting for the nice scene to not be so nice anymore. God says in the bible ” God does not want separation, he wants unity” recently Ive been given the opportunity to get an apartment, separate with the goal of reunification, try and heal, learn what healthy relationships look like, create specific healthy boundaries, and learn to love in a healthy way… but people continue to tell me “God wants unity not separation.” and now Im so confused on what to do. Why would God open this door for me if thats not what he wants, after a very long hard year of praying and asking for help…. how do I know what to do? I also want unity, but I also want to be able to have freedom in my mind, not having to worry that I might do something he doesnt like and the world collapses around us. So many questions… so much confusion
What God wants and what happens because of people’s hard hearts are two very different things. In the Bible, Jesus says, “How I have longed to gather you as chicks…but *you were unwilling*” Matthew 23:37 And so many places in the prophets God says he wished he could restore, wished he could have not had to send them away, wished he could have held them, loved them, taught them, had them for His own *but they were unwilling*. You might want to read through the prophet books in the Bible for yourself and see this. People are correct that God *wants* unity. They are not remembering that it can’t happen with someone with a hard, unrepentant heart. Not even God himself could make a person have unity with Him. When they refused, *He separated from them.* Again, read through the prophets to see this, like Isaiah 59:2. God had a relational break from them to turn their hearts toward repentance…some people turned, some people didn’t. Those that turned back to Him got relationship with Him again. Those that didn’t turn back, did not get relationship restored. God is preparing a way for you to separate and see if your husband’s heart will repent and turn back to you. Relationship is not unconditional, not even for God.
When God led me to leave my mentally, emotional, financially, and spiritually abusive husband, not everyone agreed or understood, and I even lost some friendships. Ask God to help cut through the noise and give you clarity and read about God placing boundaries on His own people. There are many of us that have walked before, you are not alone. I will pray.
Rochelle. Be careful the company you keep and their twisting of scripture! God wants unity with HIMSELF AND YOU!!! Even Jesus said he didn’t come for unity but for division. We will all be sorted when Jesus returns. And Jesus said to love one another as He loves us. He is speaking of believers. He is not asking his followers to cuddle up in bed with a demon. Everyone goes into this idea that just because you chose to marry the man you married that it is ordained by God. That’s just not true. Honestly I wish there was a world wide law that all couples have to have extensive marriage counseling for a year before allowed to marry. I guarantee you the majority would not get married after that. We have to wait a year before we can divorce. They got this backwards. Until a person is put to the test, you won’t know what they are really made of. If you feel led to separate then do so. Listen to the Holy Spirit and not other humans.
What helps me when I get, “Well you do it too” thrown at me is to remember why we do what we do. When he gives the silent treatment, it’s to punish you and guilt you into complying. When you go silent, it’s to protect yourself from more harm. That’s a completely different thing. Think of a drunk person speeding, or an ambulance speeding.
Sure, God wants unity, and so do you, but living in the same house withsomeone in fear and confusion is the least sort of unity there is. God looks at the heart.
I’m sorry you have been in chaos and hurt. That is so hard.
“God wants unity not separation”:
-Does God Himself “unify” with everyone? No
-By taking the apartment, are you seeking to separate and not have unity? No, there is no unity where you are now. You are seeking a safe space out of confusion and chaos.
In the Conquer program. Many, many women have said that separating out of that confusion and chaos gave them the space they needed to be able to not walk on eggshells and to gain clarity.
In the Bible, we see choice made. Here are two examples. Abigail wisely made a choice that was not what one would call “unifying.” Jesus disciples wanted him to go to town because it was time for one of the Jewish feasts. He told the to go ahead. He separated Himself and stayed away for a while because it was not the right time for Him to die.
Only you can make the choice for yourself based on what you need. (Choosing for yourself what you need for yourself is not selfish, though if you are like me, it may feel selfish.) What is best for you?
Is NOT separating creating any unity? It doesn’t sound like there is much unity there. Living elsewhere (regardless of whether the goal is to reunite later or not) may actually just be a representation of the current lack of unity, rather than the creation of a rift.
Hi Rochelle. We cannot have relationships with abusive people. We can co-exist, but not relate. Did Jesus have a relationship with the Pharisees? No, He called them white-washed tombs. Did God have relationship with the Israelites? Yes until they turned their backs on Him. God wants unity with everyone, but if that person rejects Him, God will not force unity. Instead, God lets them go! Think of Jesus with the rich young ruler who was not willing to sell all his possessions and follow Him. Did Jesus run after him and say, “How about just half your possessions?” No! Jesus LET HIM GO. No unity, no relationship. Now if that young man came back and agreed to Jesus’ terms, they would have unity or relationship. Hopefully the young man did think it over and come back. We come to God on His terms; not on our terms. And we can allow others to relate to us on our Godly terms as it’s Biblical. We are following our Lord’s example.
I don’t think it’s essential that your husband accepts the word abuse. Does he acknowledge that his actions were hurtful, that they hurt you and the marriage? I’ve heard too many testimonies from spouses who returned to a ‘changed’ spouse…only to watch that spouse regress in the weeks and months, sometimes even years ahead. Does he respect your no? If you say no, I’m not ready to….? Does he express sadness, can he, does he handle that? These are good clues.
Thank you. I appreciate that advice.
I’m in the same situation. He reads books and has learned how to act nice when I withdraw emotionally, but if I have an opinion or disagree or say no, watch out! It’s just another tactic to keep us silent and compliant. I test him often, by saying something, then I know and he knows that it’s the same wolf with a different sheep coat.
This is so good! Great clear question and answer. When the marriage is transactional – I’ll act right so you will give me affection/sex/praise/etc – its so hard to discern if you are seeing real change or just another manipulative transactional expectation to get his needs met. Is he repairing or manipulating? Sometimes it takes time to tell. I feel for you!
This question, the answer and the comments are exactly what I needed to read. My husband’s behavior has been more kind for a couple of months now. I’ve thought that I should be feeling closer to him, but I don’t. Then I feel guilty that I’m not responding to his changes in behavior. I understand this better now – I don’t believe it’s a “real” change. We still can’t talk about anything other than logistics and planning without tension. Thank you all for more clarity than I had!
Barb, in another post someone wrote that we shouldn’t give our husbands more credit than is truly earned…meaning, if your heart is telling you that you’re not safe to trust him or be more vulnerable with him…then you’re not.
Believe yourself; your feelings are telling you the truth.
And I know it’s hard…I’m working on it too, but…please don’t feel guilty for seeing, feeling, and living in reality.
Thank you, Leslie Vernick (and Co) for your response. This is immensely helpful and clarifying as I have been preparing for a discussion with him. And it’s so interesting to see comments from others with such a similar experience.
He has already gone back to some manipulative behaviors. It appears since giving up some of the older and more obviously abusive behaviors he has learned to be more creative and sneaky in the ways he gets back at me when i draw boundaries or don’t fall for his tactics. Thank you so very much. I pray God blesses you all and this ministry.
Thanks Mary and all the others who have commented on this post. I think the collective wisdom of the group who have lived through all of this is always wise to take in. I’m glad you’re getting more clarity Mary and as you prepare for a discussion, all you can do is invite, listen and observe his responses. As the other women have shared, it takes a humble heart to truly change one’s ways and be willing to listen to the feelings, needs and hurts of the other. Abusers can “act kind” but it’s often in service of what they want. To get you to have sex, not to leave, to stop arguing or questioning them, to “look good to others”. That’s why temporary “changed behaviors” aren’t a bad thing, – it’s better than abusive behaviors, but it’s not enough. Because if the changed behaviors are another “tactic” to get you to do something, – have sex, not tell, not leave, not call the police, etc, then they are part of the manipulative strategy – but they are using kindness instead of fear to manipulate you to get what they want. The root is the same – selfishness. So let us know how that discussion goes Mary. We’ll be praying for you.
It is such an odd position to be in — if he HAS changed — if he IS consistent in his change but you feel completely unseen. I know you say, “no one gets 52 cards in the deck.” If he provides and is not unfaithful and is helpful in the house and has stopped his abuse but has no answer but — “well, I stopped didn’t I?” — is that sort of not having the card of him “seeing you?” Is this something where we should be grateful? I am truly not sure, because it feels like the entire “internal” part of the relationship does not exist at all.
Your comment resonated with me as I’m in the same boat, now separated from my husband of 29 years 7 months now.
On being seen: If marriage is meant to reflect Christ’s love, then being seen isn’t a luxury card in the deck — it feels foundational. Provision and faithfulness matter deeply. Stopping abuse matters deeply. But stopping harm is baseline. Intimacy is more than the absence of damage; it is the presence of mutual knowing.
I don’t think this is about getting “all 52 cards.” It’s about whether the internal part of the relationship — the part where two people know and respond to one another — actually exists. Without that, you can have structure, but not union. Marriage is about mutuality, otherwise it’s you doing a relationship on your own.
A question to ask: Would he be willing to learn how to see/know you better? My husband flat out said, it’s the wife’s job to do the emotional stuff and I have no interest in learning the relationship stuff. So I found out where he was at and that he wasn’t willing to do this work. Now I’m evaluating if never being seen is enough. For me, it isn’t.
I echo what many others have said Leslie.- this was an extremely helpful post, with extremely helpful/ reassuring comments. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and supporting us! It brings relief. May God bless you.
I have been in an emotionally destructive marriage for 20 years. I have left about 4 times an even filed for divorce 3 years ago. The thought that makes me keep coming back is ” did I try hard enough to make it work.” My husband said to me recently that if I respected him more it would change everything. I did call the police a few months ago and I also said some things to his family about his behaviour at a family dinner. Both of these things I feel were disrespectful. The police call was because he wouldn’t stop badgering me, so I feel like it was unnecessary. When I try to set boundaries with him, it just makes things worse. We never are able to talk.
Oh Kim I’m so sorry. His treatment of you shouldn’t be conditional on whether or not you treat him perfectly. Humans can never be perfect. We are both supposed to be trying to love as Jesus did- unconditionally. That means him as well. If you have been trying for 20 years it sounds like you have definitely tried “hard enough”. But no amount of your trying can change him. Only he can do that. What you can change is whether or not you allow him to treat you that way. Enabling him to continue being abusive is also disrespectful because being abusive is not good for him either- not for his soul and who he is. Please get safe. You are too precious to be treated unkindly consistently and without remorse.
I also talked to my husband’s family about his behavior. I felt they should know rather than be caught off guard if (when) we need to separate. Looking for support is not disrespectful. If he doesn’t want you telling his family bad things he has done he can stop doing bad things rather than expect you to hide the truth. And if he doesn’t want you to call the police then he can stop giving you reason to. You should never have been made to feel so bullied that you needed to involve a third party. That is on him, not you.
My husband’s behavior has recently changed for the better and the cycle of emotional destruction seems to be broken. For now. Going on 1.5 months now. He’s been in counseling and has been attending a men’s bible study. I’m trying to work through my CORE foundation (per Vernick’s book “The Emotionally Destructive Marriage” which has been a life saver). I need to pray for the courage to ask questions regarding his new behavior. I’m grateful that he is no longer abusing me; however, I’m questioning what of this is “real” and lasting. I still feel like the shoe may drop at any time. I’m hesitant on trusting my heart to him which makes me sad. I’ve opened my heart a little, to test the waters. I’m no longer in chronic stress mode, which is great; however, lack of abuse is hardly the threshold of standard for measuring a Biblical, fulfilling and healthy marriage. He has yet to be accountable. He has yet to make actual amends for the damage done to me with any acknowledgement of how his bad behaviors have adversely impacted me; although, he offers general promises that he will someday. He has yet to show genuine interest in getting to know me and what makes me tick. This still remains a bit one-sided. The “cost” of his abuse has shown up in my medical reports and a trip to the ER and goals/dreams put on hold, becoming like water through my hands. The gaslighting, shaming, blaming, psychological warfare, contempt, insults, etc. from someone I love and I’m supposed to trust has been brutal. Then the cycle of “niceness” and feigned apologies. Anyway, once I realized that “Safety is Biblical” when a marriage becomes HARMFUL, my mindset shifted in a better direction. Safety is not an escape from difficulty. SAFETY is a refusal to treat harm as normal or keep giving an abuser or betrayer opportunity to sin. I’m seeing how my empathy was exploited and I must be more firm in implementing consequences. God expects me to be a good steward of my well-being and He has much to say about abuse (Prov. 12:18, Prov. 25:18, Prov. 18:21, Matthew 15:10-11; 1 Corinthians 5:11; 1 Timothy 3:1; Prov. 22:3 Emotional abuse activates the same areas of the brain as physical pain. There’s a huge difference between marital conflict and serious pattern-level harm; between unavoidable trials vs. preventable harm. Suffering for Christ is not the same as enduring PREVENTABLE HARM inside a destructive marriage. Enduring preventable harm from an abusive spouse does not earn us any Holy points and does not serve the abuser either. God does not require His image-bearers to live under conditions that steadily crush their spirit and damage their well-being. I love how someone said that unconditional love does not mean unconditional access. I’ve been grieving hard lately, in a depression, recovering from exhaustion still, while each day growing stronger as I focus on my walk with Christ. I’m loving my husband from a safe distance and praying for him daily. Once God makes it clear whether or not my husband is sincere, repentant, willing to consistently make amends for as long as it takes, then I will know whether to stay or go. If this good behavior is just to manipulate me, then I will need to go. If this new/good behavior is reflective of a man who is finally owning the fact that his hardened heart against God has been driving his bad behaviors and he is surrendering to the Lord for healing, then I will know to stay. If my husband is willing to continue working on his unaddressed woundedness, learn how to self reflect daily, then he can stop blaming me (and others) for his bad emotions and stop using me as an emotional punching bag. I’m trying to let time, take time. Great resource:
https://lifesavingdivorce.com/safety-is-biblical-toxic-marriages/
I’m so grateful to Leslie Vernick for her book and online resources!!! My heart goes out to all who have shared in this thread.