When Apologies Fall Short: What Real Repair Looks Like
Good morning, Friend,
Have you ever been hurt by someone, only for them to expect you to move forward as if nothing happened? Most of us know that ache. It’s the apology that never comes—the painful moment that gets brushed aside—leaving you wondering if it will happen again. When there’s no honest repair, trust can’t be rebuilt, and the wound stays tender. You want to move forward, but you also hesitate to bring it up, afraid it could lead to yet another conflict.
TODAY’S QUESTION: I’m not even sure how to put this into words, but I feel stuck and confused. My husband and I have been married for 18 years. Over the last several years, there have been repeated issues—hurtful comments, broken promises, emotional distance, and a few situations that felt deeply disrespectful to me. When I bring these things up, he’ll sometimes say “I’m sorry,” but it feels… empty. It’s usually followed by some kind of explanation about why he reacted that way, or even subtle ways it turns back on me. He says I’m too sensitive or expecting too much. What’s hard is that nothing really changes. The same patterns keep happening. I don’t see any real effort to understand the impact on me, or to do anything differently moving forward. And when I try to explain what I need, he either shuts down or gets defensive. I’m starting to question myself. Am I expecting too much? What does a real apology even look like in a long-term relationship? Is it wrong for me to want more than just words? I don’t want to stay stuck in resentment, but I also don’t want to keep pretending things are okay when they’re not.
ANSWER: This is where many of us slip into the painful habit of pushing the hurt aside and telling ourselves it “wasn’t that bad.” When there hasn’t been a real attempt to reconcile, we may learn to mask our sorrow with a smile. We quiet the truth of what happened and let the other person carry on as if nothing occurred. Over time, that unspoken pain can harden into resentment—and a whole tangle of emotions we end up carrying alone.
Ignoring your own feelings by accepting a words only apology might keep the relationship moving, but at what cost to your heart—and to the relationship itself? When you accept a superficial apology, it quietly communicates that your partner doesn’t have to take real responsibility for their actions. In time, it can even teach them what you’re willing to overlook.
It can feel like we’re doing the right thing—keeping the peace, holding things together—but is it real? Or are we quietly setting ourselves aside, pretending everything is okay to avoid rejection, conflict, or the painful truth that the other person may never take accountability?
When someone won’t acknowledge the hurt they’ve caused—or won’t sit with the discomfort of what their actions have done—repair isn’t really possible. Repair requires full accountability without defensiveness, genuine empathy for the harm done, and changed behavior over time. In other words, an authentic apology is more than words; it comes with action. You can usually tell it’s real because you can sense true remorse: the situation is named, responsibility is taken, your experience is validated, and the offender actively pursues reconciliation by asking how to make things right and working to ensure it won’t happen again. That’s how trust begins to be demonstrated—and slowly earned.
In essence, a real apology will look like:
A person who clearly admits what they did was wrong.
They don’t sugarcoat it or make excuses and they call it what it is.
Someone who is able to say exactly what they did. Rather than not just “I’m sorry,” but “I’m sorry I lied about ___” or “I shouldn’t have said ___.”
A demonstration that they understand how it hurt you.They don’t just acknowledge it—they show they get how it affected your feelings, your trust, and the relationship.
There is no pressure on you to forgive them right away. They respect that you might need time.
There is a desire to make things right. They ask what they can do to fix things and are open to hearing your answer.
It is proven with their actions over time. They don’t just say they’ll change—you can actually see the change happen consistently.
NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES.
Sometimes an apology is offered simply to bring relief and move on, rather than flowing from true repentance and a genuinely transformed heart.
You can trust it’s a genuine apology when you are able to gain clarity and a sense of being understood. You witness mourning and a lack of defensiveness or excuses over what has been said or done. With true repentance comes a willingness to accept consequences and do the hard work of repair, no matter how long it takes (Matthew 3:8).
If you find yourself willing to maintain a false safety and harmony by pretending everything is okay when you have been harmed, consider joining us for our upcoming Moving Beyond People Pleasing Challenge.
Where in your life are you accepting “warmth without repair” as a substitute for true reconciliation?
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Diana, the clarity you offer is a gift…even when it’s a painful “ vaccine” against gaslighting ourselves into thinking that a relationship is mutual – when it isn’t.
I don’t need to consider whether my H’s apology is sincere, because he won’t acknowledge his hurtful behaviors, take responsibility for himself, or apologize at all, regardless of how “ perfectly “ I try to communicate how his behaviors have hurt me and how they make a close relationship impossible.
Some articles that I have read suggest that some people are “ too ashamed” or “ too sensitive “ to apologize. I used to buy those excuses, but now I realize: all adults are responsible for themselves and their behaviors. Period. “ Reasons” for behaviors and attitudes are not excuses in adulthood.
I think that sometimes my H is telling himself he is “ making amends” by saying the opposite of what he recently said, instead of apologizing. For instance, one day he told me ( again) that I’ve “ never worked a day in my life”, that I could never create “ anything anyone would pay for”; a few days later, he said, “ I want a piece of your art for my office”, and seemed to think that somehow erased his earlier comments.
He didn’t take responsibility for his actions; he showed no understanding or empathy for my feelings; and he pretended it never happened…and expected me to pretend as well. I think this falls under the category of “ accepting warmth without repair “- or being expected to accept an “ apology “ that isn’t valid. I would add that there is also an expectation on his part of immediate reconciliation and complete and permanent forgetting of all hurt and damage.
When my kids were small, I felt a responsibility to teach them to respect and have empathy for others, and to be responsible for themselves.
It was never my responsibility to teach those lessons to my husband (plus he faked it well enough the first few years).
I used to pretend that his childish and selfish version of repair was acceptable, but I’m not pretending that it is ok any more.
The “ mantrums” have increased; the projection of his attitudes onto me, and blaming me for his behaviors, is constant.
But I’ve finally learned the concepts of self-respect and boundaries.
And I’m finally, finally, realizing that his behavior is not my responsibility.
Nor am I responsible for making him feel better by pretending that I am not hurt by hurtful behaviors, or that I can feel and act as though I’m loved, when I am not loved.
I guess that is what is meant by “ natural consequences”: if he acts hurtfully, refuses to be responsible for himself, refuses to see, hear, and have empathy for me, and refuses to choose to grow or change…I can’t feel or act close to him, in any way. There can be no reconciliation if there is no personal responsibility on his part, and no emotional safety for me.
It’s not my choice. I’m not “ making up rules”, as he complains …it’s just reality.
I participated in an earlier “ Moving beyond people pleasing challenge “. I highly recommend it. It’s taken a few years for the concepts to sink in; I still refer back to those notes to remind me to keep growing in my own thought patterns and behaviors.
Wow! This really spoke to me because I live with a dead husband in a dead marriage. For years I accepted his blame of me for anything and everything that was wrong. In 39 years he has never apologized, accepted responsibility for his hurtful words or actions, and has never forgiven me for what I have accepted and apologized for. It is so painful and very lonely living with a man I used to love so much, and who used to love me. But for the last 25 years of our marriage he has been so hard-hearted and he makes it so difficult to love and be joyful. (Its obvious he doesn’t feel anything for me and I’m not even sure I still love him.) A couple of years ago I realized I have cowered as I sank and lost who I am while trying to be the wife my husband wanted me to be (which I apparently failed at). I now recognize that I do not need to feel responsible for whatever insecurities he’s carrying and I need to learn to rise up from the marriage grave and begin to find myself again and truly begin to live. I plan to stay with him, but I will learn to throw the hurt back into the grave with him. At this point he doesn’t believe he is dead and therefore won’t do anything to lift himself up. I’m tired and worn and can no longer take on the pain and loneliness he inflicts on me.
Thank you for your comment Shaun. I love that you are wanting to rise up truly being to live.
Yes Living In Grace! His Behavior is not your responsiblity and no longer pretending is a strong statement for your stability and clarity. Thank you for your thoughtful response.
Update: I used to think that if I could just communicate what a healthy marriage is, how beneficial it would be for both of us, that my husband would naturally see the value of it, and would work with me to create that healthy relationship. If I just explained the importance of emotional safety and emotional maturity, clearly and perfectly ( and repeatedly), surely he would choose to change and grow. But, no.
Tonight, I said I needed to rest for a few minutes before making dinner ( I have severe mobility disabilities, which I can manage with care.) A normal husband would show concern, and probably offer to make dinner. Instead, my H had a tantrum, creating a “ story” where he misinterpreted the fact that I needed to sit for a minute to mean that I didn’t really want to make dinner for him, that I was grudgingly doing him a favor, that I never want to do anything for him, etc, etc. He had already started his daily alcohol consumption; I shouldn’t have responded at all.
Silly me, I attempted to explain, etc ( JADEing). Of course, that was a waste of my emotional and physical energy. I left the room.
He has often disappeared for a few days after one of his tantrums. I used to worry about him; now, I found myself being disappointed that he stayed at home.
And then I realized…my husband’s only idea of “ repair” is giving me an occasional compliment, without ever acknowledging that he has many times insulted me on the same topic; and demanding that we do things that happy couples do ( like travel together), without any consideration for my physical or emotional needs. He claims that I’m gaslighting him if I say that something he said hurt my feelings ( the favorite:” you’ve never worked a day in your life”), even if it’s something he’s said or done many times. Then he gets angry at me for not following his script for the “ perfect wife who wants and expects nothing and has no thoughts, feelings , or needs of her own”.
He doesn’t acknowledge his hurtful behaviors , even repeated ones; there are no apologies; he sees no need to take responsibility for himself or to grow or change in any way.
Tonight, when he came out to complain about my “ attitude “ ( being in pain, needing to rest for a bit), he even gave me a script of what he would have wanted me to say:” I feel like having pasta tonight”( in fact, I was in too much pain to look forward to eating).” Would you like me to make pasta for you, or is there something else you might like more?” Seriously, he said this…and then was angry at me for not having said his script in the first place. I guess my needing to rest isn’t in his “ script “ for me….
And I thought to myself: “ What am I, a Stepford Wife?”
To be fair, for years, decades even, I would have followed that “ script”, never mentioning my pain, thinking only of him. Or apologizing for having any needs, much less desires, of my own.
But I’m over that now.
I deserve to be treated with respect, care, consideration, and empathy by someone who claims to love me.
I’m no longer willing to take crumbs and then say or pretend that I’m satisfied.
Hi Living in Grace, I’m just wondering why you want to stay in this marriage of abuse? I left my 30 year marriage in August of last year. He was verbally, emotionally and spiritually abusive. Not planning to divorce, which bothers him, I think. Anyway this has been one of the most difficult decisions I’ve had to make, but believe it was the right decision.
Are you able to leave? I don’t know how you do it especially if he drinks in excess along with the emotional/verbal abuse. I’ll pray for you and that God will have His way with your husband. God bless you!
Oh wow this resonates at every level in my life with my covert narcissistic husband. But what to do about it?? I need to attend this class, “beyond people pleasing challenge ”. Where and how do I do that?? I am a member of conquer. Thank you!!
For our Moving Beyond Challenge, keep an eye on your email, on the blog and in our newsletter starting June 3rd.
Awesome!
And this is exactly why I am heading for divorce. Affairs that he think can be brushed aside with apology without any real effort or change in behaviour. No thankyou. 29 years and we are done.
I love your clarity.
I never believed the broken promises were lies or manipulation until a friend said do you consider these lies. They have always been part of the dynamic, amongst so many other hurtful actions, like not remembering things that I do. I am 24 years into my marriage and oh so ready to leave. Then, he will do something, very small, the scraps that I hold onto that have kept me feeling like I am seen even for a moment. It is in those moments that I am lured back into the web of self diminishing. This time though, I am
Moving forward and feeling the sadness, grief and guilt instead of trying to manipulate myself into believing he is any different. He doesn’t do any of the things you suggested but he is a very nice man and well loved in the community by his peers and friends.i think.
Isn’t it crazy how we feed off of those crumbs they occasionally offer and how it keeps us tied to them? Those crumbs look like hope and we want hope soooo bad, but after awhile hope diminishes and I’m reminded of the saying — “”The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results”. Over and over we believe they will change…until we don’t, and then the most loving thing we can do for ourselves is let go. My ex was much the same….not mean, but distant and resistant, while being charming and well liked by those acquaintances in the peripheral of our lives. It makes us believe there’s something wrong with us that they treat us differently. Grieve what could have been and let God tell you who you are.
No guilt….there was nothing we could have done to change them…you didn’t need to fight harder, they needed to grieve their actions.
Amen!
Thank you ! No guilt… I just want to be open to the love of Jesus through me without feeling or behaving as though i need to stay and accept what God never asked me to accept. I long for the peace of mind and future that the Lord holds open for me. Anita, may the lord bless you and keep you and shine His face upon you.Numbers.. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
Yes Anita – Breadcrumbs can be enough to keep us hooked, but not enough to nourish us. Diana B
Thanks for such clarity on what a real apology looks like. I have been contemplating where to go from here and ran across this article by Steven Stosny, Ph.D. “Is It Time to Repair or Bail?”. The article is posted in psychology today in Stosny’s blog – “anger-in-the-age-of-entitlement”. Could you give me any thoughts on this article?
You didn’t ask me, but I’m happy to share my thoughts on that article. To me, that is exactly the kind of article my ex would anchor on. Has enough therapy speak to allow an abuser to give the impression of “trying” and simultaneously so vague and shallow it has no actionable advice that would lead to real growth or accountability and therefore easily weaponized. Maybe fine for a couple that has “grown apart”. But I find it hard to believe that author has any real experience or expertise with the people and situations of this space. As such, I don’t recommend anyone here waste time reading it.
I believe the intent of the ‘article’ was to answer the reader’s question….What does a real apology even look like in a long-term relationship? Is it wrong for me to want more than just words?, etc.
It seems the ‘article’ clearly gave the reader insight in to what the reader might be feeling and experiencing and why, as well as the possible thoughts and behaviors of the other spouse, as well as bulletpoints of what to look for in a “real apology”.
I’m sorry if your ex was manipulative, but that does not discount the worth of this article for those who it spoke to.
The Stosny article covers the generally accepted gamut of actions needed to repair a relationship: understanding your partner’s perspective, look for things to appreciate, etc, similar to the Gottman recommendations.
I think perhaps the difficulty for many of us in this space is two fold:
1. All of these articles assume, at some level, a mutual, sincere effort and willingness to grow, offer respect and empathy , etc, from both partners.
2. As Stosny says, “ Notice that all the above require self-regulation skills.“.
For those of us in relationships with emotionally immature or narcissistic partners, either their lack of self-regulation skills, or their refusal to gain emotional maturity, is an impermeable stone wall of their own making. They are trapping themselves in their dysfunction.
No amount of kindness, empathy, or self-sacrifice on our part can create a doorway to connection if they insist on maintaining that barrier to emotionally healthy relationships.
This hit be right between the eyes. Not only do I feel heard and understood around my H’s treatment of me, but it’s also convicting in the sense that I need to ensure that my actions match the intent of my apologies!
Really looking forward to the Moving Beyond People Pleasing Challenge.
I am so glad you resonated with the article, especially that you felt heard and understood.
Thank you ! No guilt… I just want to be open to the love of Jesus through me without feeling or behaving as though i need to stay and accept what God never asked me to accept. I long for the peace of mind and future that the Lord holds open for me. Anita, may the lord bless you and keep you and shine His face upon you.Numbers.. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
I resonate with this article! I’ve been separated for almost 9 months now and while my husband apologized and showed a lot of emotion right after I left, he now says he’s been there done that. Doesn’t need to apologize anymore. He’s been going to counseling but it feels more like he’s checking the box. He argues with me that we need to spend more time together in order to see if he is changing. He wants me to go on trips with him which I am not ready to do, not ready for any physical intimacy. I’ve recently asked him if he would be willing to go to couples counseling again now that we’ve each been doing our own work. He says he doesn’t think that will help we don’t need to talk about things we just need to spend time together. We are stuck in this cycle. I’m not ready to call it quits yet. I know I will feel God‘s peace when it’s time to move beyond where I am right now . But I see a lack of humility on his part that would be needed for genuine repair. I struggle to not minimize my own needs. I know I can’t change him. I’m straddling that line right now and I know I can’t stay here forever.
Heather, please give yourself whatever time and space you need to heal your own heart and to regain a clear sense of your own worth.
Reading your post, and then re-reading Diana’s list of what a real apology looks like…it doesn’t sound like your husband is sincerely apologizing…more that he sincerely wants the gift of your company, but doesn’t want to do the work necessary to be a truly loving partner in a mutually healthy relationship.
My husband has also pressured me to go on trips with him. He sees other couples traveling happily together and wants what they have. I have struggled to figure out how to explain why even though I would love for us to be the kind of couple who love to spend lots of time together, I can’t pretend that we are that couple. Because I can’t trust him to listen to me, care about my feelings or even my physical health. Why would I want to spend 24/7 alone with someone who doesn’t respect me, who projects his emotional dysfunctions onto me, who refuses to be responsible for his own attitudes and behaviors, and who threatens to abandon me if he doesn’t get his wants or his way at all times? ( yes, he’s walked out on me during an anniversary trip…thank goodness for credit cards and Lyft! ) And yet he insists he “ has no idea” why I don’t want to travel with him!
And yes, I’ve tried to share my perspective and experiences with him, many times…but I don’t any more. I recently read my journal entries from 3 years ago, and realized that I’ve continued to communicate kindly and wisely, I’ve learned about and held my boundaries, I’ve done all the things.
And he has not changed his behaviors, taken responsibility for himself, or grown in any positive way.
Which is how I know that I’ve done all I can, I’ve done my part, and the only way forward is to focus on my own growth, happiness, and future, whether or not that includes him in my life.
On the advice of my Christian therapist, I am learning to detach emotionally, physically, mentally, and financially from him, for the sake of my own physical, mental, and emotional health. I have also consulted with a certified divorce financial planner, and a divorce lawyer. Not because I have filed or plan to threaten divorce ( I stopped counting my H’s divorce threats at #40). But because I wanted to research whether I might be able to function financially in the event of divorce. And somewhat to my surprise, I think I would be ok. That step has helped me feel more at peace with knowing that I have done my part in the marriage, and I can detach and hand the responsibility for my H’s behaviors and growth to him ( even if he wants to blame me for his choices) as it should be. It’s not the marriage that I wished for and invested decades of time and sacrifice for; but for the moment, it’s the one I have.