What Does it Mean to Respect Your Husband?
Good morning, Friends! September is always a busy month! I hope you are getting ready for all that Autumn brings. Today’s question is short but one that I think deserves attention and discussion. I know I am not the only one who has contemplated the practical application and meaning of the word respect. Join in a discussion if you have done your own deep dive.
Today’s Question: What are your thoughts on a spouse keeping divorce on the table if he feels disrespected?
Susan’s Response: Thank you for asking this question as I believe it brings up a tricky topic. R.E.S.P.E.C.T; Aretha sang about it. Books have been written about it. What does it mean?
I have done some deep exploration to collect my thoughts about the word respect and I challenge you to do the same. I believe God will meet you when you seek Him and His desires for your life.
You have not provided details to your question, which leaves me wondering what is happening in the relationship to cause your husband to feel disrespected. I have many years of experience with couples and individuals who are dealing with relationship conflict, and therefore I have some guesses.
I have witnessed relationship interactions in which men believe the wife is to serve his desires as her primary focus and she should revolve her life around his wishes. If she voices a contradictory viewpoint or challenges his thinking in any way, she threatens his sense of authority and need for respect. Or if she doesn't anticipate his needs or appreciate him in the way he wants, he becomes angry and she gets labeled disrespectful. Unfortunately, some church teachings and Christian authors feed into this mindset.
I have also witnessed situations where women become harsh and bitter to the point of being disrespectful in a desperate effort to change the state of the marital relationship. This may come across as or sound like contemptuous statements, snide comments, character attacks, or sarcastic jabs. I implore you to do some soul-searching to examine your own behaviors and heart attitudes.
Scripture does talk about respect quite a bit. How we define respect can make a big difference in how we will carry it out. 1 Peter 2:17 in the NIV says “Show proper respect to everyone, love the family of believers, fear God, honor the emperor.” The ESV translated it this way, “Honor everyone. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the emperor.” The Message says it in a way that may bring light to the present age, “Treat everyone you meet with dignity. Love your spiritual family. Revere God. Respect the government.”
Words like honor and dignity are often used as synonyms for respect. The dictionary defines the verb respect in these ways, 1. To hold in esteem or honor 2. To show regard or consideration 3. To refrain from interfering with. We can look to scripture to see if there is biblical alignment in these definitions.
Since Genesis 1:26 and 27 tell us that humans are made in the image and likeness of God, doesn’t it make sense that each person is worthy of honor and dignity? Paul teaches us in Philippians 2:3 to consider the needs of others in addition to our own; Considering others appears to be an important biblical value. Additionally, God allows us our freedom to love Him and He invites us to be free from what keeps us from loving Him fully, as Jesus did with the rich young man in Matthew 19; allowing freedom seems important as well.
Ephesians 5:33 has been used as a command to women that they must give unconditional respect toward their husbands whether or not they are loved in the marriage. It appears, in this context, that respect is defined similarly to admiration. The verse reads, “However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” Greek scholar Dr. Cynthia Long Westfall teaches that in this verse there is a command toward husbands but states, in the original language, there is not a command toward the wife. ‘And’ is used to connect the two statements in the English translations but she believes the more accurate translation is as follows …”let each of you love his wife as himself in order that the wife may respect her husband.” She argues that it was already part of the cultural norm for women to submit; therefore it was a call for reciprocity in marriage by putting the obligation on the husband to behave in a way that provokes respect not fear.
Using fear as a manipulative tactic to gain control of others is despicable and not in alignment with the heart of God.
God is calling believers to treat others with unconditional dignity but even Jesus did not give unconditional admiration to those who demanded their own way by threatening and causing fear in others. Read about how Jesus spoke to the Pharisees in Matthew 23. God is for the oppressed and warns against wickedness. (Psalm 146:7-9)
In a healthy relationship, there is mutual caring, mutual honesty, and mutual respect. Each partner can safely share ideas, feelings, and thoughts and each person is treated with dignity and value. There is also the freedom to challenge, confront, and strengthen one another with loving-kindness.
As we all know, the effects of sin are great. From the first human relationship, sin created ongoing damaging conflict between husband and wife. God addressed this with Eve in Genesis 3:16b, “Your desire will be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.” In the original text, the Hebrew word translated to ‘desire’ is ‘teshuqah’. The only other place the word teshuqah is used in original scripture is in Genesis 4:7 when God talks to Cain just before he kills his brother Abel. God tells him, “…sin is crouching at the door. Its desire (teshuqah) is for you, but you must rule over it.” There are many opinions on how to interpret the word teshuqah. A popular translation is the ‘turning towards in single-minded devotion’. This is not a command of God but a consequence of sin.
A wife turning toward her husband with single-minded devotion does not sound harmful on the surface. Let’s talk about how that type of desire could be problematic.
Being single-mindedly devoted to a fallible human being can create all sorts of anxieties because no imperfect person can fully meet every need or love wholeheartedly. Only God deserves our single-minded devotion and only He provides life fulfillment. Therefore we are urged in Matthew 6:33 not to be anxious about life but to “seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you.”
Now to get back to the original question. Find out specifically how your husband defines disrespect. Once you are clear on his expectations, you can decide if you are willing to respect him in the ways he wants. As long as the definitions of respect and disrespect are vague, the rules can always change. He can claim that you have disrespected him just because you voiced your opinion or said no to something he wanted from you.
The reality is, divorce is something that any married person can keep on the table if they choose to; in most states, divorce can be sought for any reason. As believers, we are called to honor the covenant of marriage but not above the safety and sanity of the individuals in the marriage. Your husband may be using the threat of divorce to get what he wants from you. As long as divorce is on the table due to your so-called disrespect, he may feel he has some leverage to keep you in line as he chooses. The real question is, do you believe you are being disrespectful and have you sought counsel from godly people in your life to gain feedback? Are you in alignment with what you believe God is telling you?
Friends, we must take the time to know the heart of God. Explore the Bible as a whole and learn how God views women, not just how tradition and certain cultures have viewed them. God values you and wants you to live your life to the fullest for His glory.
Be well!
Beloved reader, how do you define and show respect in your most significant relationships?
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I believe Ephesians 5 gives a good description of respect to and from all people. Ephesians 5:21 starts with “Submit to ONE ANOTHER out of reverence for Christ. ” It then takes 3 verses to describe how women can treat husbands, and 8 verses to describe how men should treat their wives. Definitely the onus is on the men in this passage, not the women. But either way, verse 21 sets the stage.
Good points. I’ve always thought of respect as the golden rule: treat others as you would want them to treat you. It also comes to mind what is said to husbands to “live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker vessel, since she is a woman… so your prayers may not be hindered.” (I Peter 3:7)
Thanks for contributing to the discussion, Caroline!
Thank YOU Susan!
Thank you for writing this and putting so much care into this subject. It is very helpful for me. I believed a lie that respect meant never voicing my differing opinion, always keeping my eye on whether or not he he felt slighted by my requests, and being a shape shifter whose main goal was that he felt good about himself, his work, his relationships with his parents and siblings, his clothing, his (our) house, his hair, his reputation. He seemed to have a shame monster that came regularly for him and my role was to feed him praise so that shame wouldn’t eat him alive. All this benefited me greatly as the temperature of our house greatly depended on it.
I thank God for this ministry and for all the women who continue to pour into me. Changing my beliefs is proving to be a long road. I am divorced now but I continue to work on the broken parts of me. Thank you for your role in that. Blessings ❤️
Praise be to God! So glad to hear that you are healing and no longer need to shape shift 🙂
Carrie, Can I have your contact? I really want to ask you some important questions about how you able to devoice a man like that? I need to know someone like you who had went through situation like this.
The way you put some of this, I could have written it myself! “ He seemed to have a shame monster that came regularly for him and my role was to feed him praise so that shame wouldn’t eat him alive. All this benefited me greatly as the temperature of our house greatly depended on it.” Yes! 💯!!! While I do believe we should have a role in encouraging each other and building each other up, it should NOT be all on me to bolster HIS self esteem or be his rescuer! Any more than it is his role to be MY rescuer. That role is reserved for Christ alone, and we need the entire Body of Christ to help, support and encourage us, not just our spouse. That is way too much for one person to bear, except Christ alone.
I struggle to respect my husband. Even now looking at divorce. We’ve only been married just over a year and he has hurt me and our marriage to the pont of no repair without a miracle. So I guess it depends on both sides. When we reach the point of only one person giving it gets too hard.
I am sorry to hear that Hannah. How do you define respect in your very painful marriage?
It’s very difficult to respect your husband when you know he looks at pornography.
I am sorry you are experiencing betrayal in your marriage. It is so difficult. How are you defining respect, Mel?
I have been disrespectful to my husband. I’ve been making snarky comments about our worker after accusing him of an affair with her after finding searches for porn relating to her.
I make comments about her as I feel insecure. There has been a lot happen messaging etc between them.
I feel like I have torn down my house. And my husband doesn’t live me now. He I think would quite like to leave but doesn’t want to loose what he’s worked for and doesn’t want to disappoint his parents.
He’s not Christian so has a completely differing view from me on an appropriate friendship
Between a man and a woman.
Trust and safety have been damaged in the relationship; you are bound to have lots of uncomfortable feelings about that. How are you showing up for yourself?
My husband is old schooled and believes I should submit in everything. Because of the lack of this, it has proven to be a very fear based love and a very conditional one at that. I know I have not responded godly to him, reacting instead. I am thankful for Leslie’s teachings and now know more how to depend on the Lord to respect him even when I am not treated right. It is very difficult to always be told, No, we can’t do this this way and it is because of his narcissism. The boundary for me now is… ask no questions where I can be put down and made to feel less than and not good enough. I am made to feel unsubmitting if I don’t do as he asks me to do. He makes me feel he is keeping a record of my wrongs and will eventually want to get rid of me for another woman.
I will pray and ask the Lord to change my attitude and behaviors to reflect respect. He wants acknowledgement. It is a one side relationship and sad that it is this way. But as Leslie also said… it is because of this narcissism I can see what I need to work on.
What Satan means for evil, God means for our good. I have had to repent over using tactics that are not going to help the situation. I also know I am turning toxic also.
Sheila, great self awareness and insights into how this is deforming you too. I think once a woman can decide who she wants to be (her big circle self) and how she wants to “be” without NEEDING it to produce a reciprocal response from the other, she becomes free indeed. In other words, you can choose to be a loving and/or respectful person. That does not mean you will receive it in return or have a loving or respectful relationship. You are in charge of you, not the entire well-being of the relationship or the other.
Leslie and Susan, Thank you! You ladies are such an encouragement to me. I so appreciate your hearts after God and your wisdom. It was particularly helpful to me that specific understandings of definitions and expectations can help my big circle know how to respond…without bitterness! Bless you!
My husband threatens as well. His last visit to his attorney was July 31 (2023). He says I’m toxic – he has been professionally diagnosed with narcissism.. Married 34 years. I’m so sick of it! Our counselor told him he prioritizes the church and church activities over our marriage (he’s a staff pastor in addiction recovery), functions like a dry drunk, is slow to admit wrong and is too friendly and familiar with women. I began standing up for myself so he has abandoned me in Every way except providing … I no longer work outside the home. I do Not know
What to do. He still hasn’t actually filed but yes, the threat is always there, especially if I try to dip under the surface. I think the lead pastor just hopes it will fix itself (IMO because he has a successful ministry) which also causes me confusion. I feel broken, overwhelmed and stuck. My oldest son and DIL do NOT agree with him, will not attend our church but will not say anything because “he won’t listen.” It is what it is but UGH! – so devastating! .
Sally, you are in a difficult situation! 34 years is a long time to be marriage. You may need to have a safety plan in place so you can leave if you need to. With a professional diagnosis of narcissism, your husband is not likely to change. Please stay close to a supportive community, stay safe and be well!