What Does a Healthy Christian Marriage Look Like?
Morning friend,
We just concluded our Moving Beyond Insecurity Coaching Week. It was amazing. So many breakthroughs and takeaways women gained in just one week.
God longs to heal our heart, our mind, and our relationships. And, most of the time, he doesn't do it instantly. Instead, he invites our cooperation, our willingness, and our commitment to learn what we need to learn to grow into a healthier and more mature (godly) woman. On July 13, we will start our six-week flexible coaching program on building a healthy you with respect to unhealthy people pleasing. If you see yourself saying yes way too often, feeling resentful at all you “have to do,” or feeling afraid to say no for fear of someone's rejection or disapproval, then this six-week group coaching program is for you.
The best part is it's flexible. There are five group sessions per week. You can attend any one or several of them each week. There is video curriculum as well as an e-Book on People Pleasing, to help you put an axe to the root of your unhealthy fear of saying “no,” disappointing someone, or facing rejection. You can learn more at www.leslievernick.com/movingbeyond
Relationships are important to us and to God. In this week's question, a reader asks what is a healthy relationship? Before you read further, what do you think? Name some key characteristics of a healthy relationship.
Today's Question: I'm currently in a separation, asking my husband to leave due to abandonment, emotional distress and lack of respect. What does a healthy relationship look like? What is God's heart on the covenant of marriage?
Answer: Thanks so much for asking these important questions. I'm going to focus this blog on describing healthy persons and healthy relationships. I answered the question on covenant marriage in a previous blog and if you want to learn more about that here’s the link.
There has been a lot of research on relationships over the past 50 years. Study after study confirms that safe, secure and trusting relationships are beneficial to one's overall health and well-being. They also report that toxic, unsafe, untrusting relationships damage not only the relationship but also the individual's mental, emotional, physical and often spiritual health.
God's word reinforces this research. For example, the writer of Ecclesiastes says,
If one falls down, his friend can help him up.
But pity the man (or woman) who falls
And has no one to help him up!
Also, if two lie down together, they
Will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?
Ecclesiastes 4:10,11
The Bible also warns us about the toxic impact to our body, mind and spirit when we live with or partner with unhealthy, toxic, or cruel people.
God cares about relationships. He created marriage and family, as well as the family of God, to be a place for safe and loving connection. He tells us in his Word that there is nothing more important for us to learn than to love God, ourselves and others well (Matthew 22:37-39). Sadly, today's culture and some churches do not do a good job modeling or teaching about healthy relationships, including covenant marriage.
Let's start with the basics on what is a healthy relationship. A person cannot maintain healthy relationships, including marriage, when you are not healthy yourself. Parenting and family life are designed by God to model for children healthy ways to share, to speak up appropriately, to argue and disagree without being cruel. Within your nuclear family over time, you learn to develop self-control when you feel angry and are tempted to bite or hit your sibling when they take your toy. We learn to listen to other people's points of view, as well as trust our parents to have our best interests even when we don't understand. As healthy grown-ups we teach our children to apologize for wrongdoing by asking for their forgiveness when we mess up and demonstrating care about someone else's feelings or needs. These daily experiences within family life are designed to model and teach healthy relationship skills so that when a child grows older and seeks new relationships outside of the family, especially marriage and a family of their own, they have the skills to maintain and repair them.
That's why here at LV & Co, we emphasize the importance of having one healthy parent, even if you are in a destructive marriage. Your children learn how to have relationships by watching what you're doing or not doing. Not perfect, but healthy. Can they trust you to be safe, reliable and emotionally regulated, even if they can't trust or rely on dad? Do they see you take responsibility, own and apologize for your mistakes and sins?
Second, there are not different rules for girls and boys in building safe, loving relationships. Both male and female represent God's image. Boys don't always get to be boss because they're boys. Girls don't always have to give in or stay quiet because they're girls. In a healthy family it would never be acceptable for a brother to bully his sister into compliance and get away with it because he's a boy. Submission and leadership are important virtues to express in a variety of situations and roles.
Healthy people don't misuse their authority or power to get their way or dominate others. Healthy fathers (or mothers) don't bully and scare their children into compliance and call that good parenting, biblical headship, authority, or leadership. Instead, the Bible calls that behavior oppression and sin. It's not possible to have a healthy relationship with someone who oppresses, dominates, and/or disrespects your God-given humanity, even if you are little or female or of a different race or belief.
Third, the Bible speaks frequently about the importance of loving one another well (relationship). For example, every one of the Ten Commandments has something to do with protecting our relationship with God or with others (Exodus 20:2-7; Deut. 5:6-21). And, because we are all sinners, if we want to maintain our closeness with one another, we must learn how to repair relationships through personal confession, repentance and change.
The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. Abandonment and neglect in marriage and family life are serious sins against those who've been promised love in intentional ways within family life. Neglect silently says, “You don't matter enough to me for me to give you my time, energy or financial resources to care about your welfare.” This is unacceptable to God in marriage (See Exodus 21:10,11).
Sometimes pastors and counselors will attempt to neutralize the toxicity in a marriage by saying we're all sinners, so who are we to judge? It's easy to get silenced by the misuse of Scripture, but there is a difference between a healthy sinner and an unhealthy sinner.
God's heart is for us to have loving, safe, trusting relationships within our family and the family of God. It is God's will for us to mature, to learn to love well, even to love our enemies. He wants us not to be overcome by evil, but to overcome evil with good (Romans 12:21). What that good looks like within a covenant marriage and family life may surprise you. It does not look like heroically sacrificing your well-being just to allow someone else to continue to act immaturely and/or sinfully against you and your children. That's an unhealthy fear-based love, not a God-centered love. God's love speaks the truth with kindness (and sometimes firmly) in the hope that the unhealthy sinner will begin to wake up to his or her destructive, unhealthy ways and repent (Hebrews 3:13).
When you're in this kind of marriage it's always easier to see what's “wrong” or “unhealthy” with the other person. But a wiser path is for you to stop focusing on him and to work on yourself. Perhaps you've been too passive? You've over-functioned, believing that if you don't hold everything up, the entire family will collapse. Maybe you've violated your own values or silenced your voice, believing that was your duty as a godly wife. Remember, your children (even if they're adults) need one healthy parent.
God desires for you to mature and grow, even through this difficult season. You said you’ve asked for a separation; hopefully this will give you both the space and energy to each do your own work. Even if he doesn't choose to do his, you can work on you.
Friend, what has helped you let go of trying to “fix” him and stay focused on your own work?
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What has helped me:
This site, and others, reading and learning from wise, healthy women…reading about what is real and true, beyond what I was told in the past.
Learning that my perceptions are real, and my experiences count. That I’m not “ crazy”, “ demanding” or “ selfish” for wanting a healthy marriage.
That I deserve love, care, support, and respect….the same as I show others. It’s not “ asking too much” of my husband.
Learning that having respect for myself, as well as others, is not a “ sin”, or “ being selfish”…it’s God’s will.
That once I’ve done my part, done all I can, been patient ( for years…decades even…probably way too long), communicated multiple times what a healthy relationship is…I can do nothing more to make the relationship healthy, because I can’t be more than 50% of a relationship.
Learning that I am not responsible for any other adult’s attitudes, beliefs, feelings, needs, wants, or behaviors…even if he says I am…that I am responsible solely for my own. Which is what boundaries are…that one took literally years for me to really understand and internalize.
I’ve been blessed to have a good Christian therapist. ( I found her online, by searching for Christian therapist, then researching and interviewing several.)
One of the metaphors we’ve used has been to visualize an old fashioned still, the kind the movies show moonshine being made in ( it makes sense, I promise…and doesn’t have to do with drinking!).
When there has been a topic that I struggled with…such as, “ what is, or isn’t, my responsibility?”… sometimes there has been so much chaos in my brain, so many “ voices” telling me that what I was experiencing, perceiving, feeling wasn’t “ real” ( “he says he loves you, so that must be true…even if his actions show he doesn’t care about you, only about his wants”, or “ all men are this way”, etc); then we “ distilled” it down to the simple truth, no matter how uncomfortable that made me, or how much it differed from my fundamentalist early “ learning”: in a marriage, care, respect, and support must be mutual and reciprocal.
During a recent appointment with my therapist, I told her I had reread my journal from 3 years ago ( kept digitally, as my husband had previously dug through my closet and read my paper journal…then tried to use it against me). I realized that in 3 years, none of his behaviors or attitudes had improved or changed for the better, regardless of how “ perfectly “ or how many times I tried to communicate with him, or how vigilant I was about my own attitudes and behaviors. When I discussed this with my therapist, she said, “ He may have chosen not to change. You have chose to grow and change. So the relationship has naturally changed, even without him participating in growth.”
Where that has left me, now, is analyzing my financial situation and my skills, having chosen to be the SAHM to my kids, one of whom has medical issues ( and still needs support) while my husband built a successful career, frequently traveling away from home, while I “ took care of everything “.
All of this combined, has helped me “ let go of fixing him”…I’ve done my part. He’s chosen his behaviors.
I can finally let go and say, “ I’ve done enough to try to create a healthy marriage.”
I can finally focus on my needs, my future, even my own goals and wants.
You just can’t have a healthy marriage with someone who refuses to listen to you, with whom all communication is “ one way only”; who only “ cares” when it’s easy, convenient, or socially profitable for him; and who refuses to be responsible for his own thoughts, attitudes, growth, and behaviors.
No matter how much you sacrifice, subdue your own needs, or cater to his wants to keep the peace: it never adds up to a healthy marriage no matter how much you wish it would. Some things are not possible.
Which is when you realize what IS possible: focusing on your own growth, life, and potential future.
This was eye opening. I have never found the words…but here they are..To know your words mean nothing, have no value, you do not matter, you are not respected, you do not DO enough…EVER..to have carried the burdens and blessings of the children (and their deaths or estrangements) alone…..always alone… I have had very little counseling, never long term, but one issue short term counseling with the company provided (very poor) counselor.. I was a SAHM, home educating and holding it all together, but now I am sitting in such regret…..how did I let my life devolve into this mess?? I must take responsibility because I never believed I deserved better…so I got the scraps he plated up for me…..Praised God for each morsel and watched and waited when nothing more showed up…I wish I could find a counselor that could help me sort it all out, because I am unable yet, to find my path out of this pain. This is not just a pity party, this is 46 years in a whole new light…finally having words to say…I am so lost.I loved the week long program, signed up (without permission) for the summer coaching and am praying that I will get guidance through this opportunity. He asked about the LARGE CHARGE I made….I said I needed to do this for me…and he said nothing more. The $$$ is all his and he was SHOCKED that I did this. Thank you for this post and glimmer of hope beyond this pain.
Dear Dee, I hear your pain. If you were raised like me, believing that we “ didn’t deserve better” was a core value; we believed that Christian women’s lives only had value to the extent that they ignored their own needs and self, and deferred to and served others. When it’s been drilled into you since you were a small girl, it takes a lot of work to dig yourself out of that cave of darkness! When you hear the same refrain for years from “ authority figures”, you learn not to question them…and to not believe your own heart, soul, and experiences.
I understand both your regret and your feeling that you let yourself down, and that you see you need to be responsible for your future. But as Maya Angelou said, “ “I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.”
You ARE “ doing better”, by learning from Leslie’s site and her coaching experiences. Another valuable resource is flyingfreenow.com, a blog, podcast, and very affordable coaching resource. I’ve found so much inspiration and education just by finding good online sources and books ( although you have to be careful and use your own judgement and wisdom to know whether they are supportive or subversive.).
There are also divorce financial counselors, and lawyers, who offer free 15 minute consultations ( I was directed to this through FlyingFreeNow). After my husband yelled at me, “ I’d like to see you manage on your own!” ( because…yeah..” all the $ is his”!) I finally moved beyond fear to curiosity: Could I manage on my own? And to my surprise, with just a little research, I found I would probably be able to manage, ( we are in a community property state…so 1/2 the $ is mine, regardless) . While I haven’t filed for divorce yet ( I stopped counting his threats of “ I want a divorce!” years ago…they more or less stopped when I said, “ ok”) it has made a huge difference in my feelings of what I have to tolerate vs what I choose to tolerate…for the moment, while I restart my career and get my house maintenance updated.
Please, Dee, give yourself the grace, patience, forgiveness, kindness, and support you have freely given to others for decades, and give yourself knowledge, time, and space to learn where and who you were meant to be. And if your “ well” of good feelings, values, and energy is a little dry…you are in the right place, in the circle of the women at Leslie Vernick.
Sending you hugs and blessings today❤️
Dee, I am so glad you participated in our Moving Beyond Insecurity Challenge. You showed up. God brought you clarity – not shame. Yes sometimes when we get eyes to see the truth, the first place Satan goes is to bring shame. But if you can receive God’s wake up call to you in love – the lights have gone on in your Spirit, that you are WORTH taking care of. That is it your responsibility to take your one precious life and steward it well, you can then take the next step forward. Our Moving Beyond People Pleasing summer group coaching program may help you with this fear of your husband’s disapproval. You mentioned individual counseling and that may be beneficial as well, but finding the right counselor can be challenging. But let me ask you a question. As a grown up woman do you need his “permission” to steward your mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical health? I don’t believe you do. He may not like you starting to take care of you, but don’t allow him, Satan or shame to stop this process God has began. Keep moving forward. The lights have come on for you to see more clearly, don’t let Satan or your husband discourage you from your next steps forward.
I did it!!!! I signed up for the flexible coaching by charging it on a card and i did not ask permission. When he asked WHAT was that large charge on the card? I said I am doing an online class and I know it was important to do….I did not offer any other explanation. He was not happy with the charge or my NON answer and that I had not asked permission for the charge. This was a first in my 46 year old marriage….He has controlled the money and I was given cash in envelope for the kids and household….never an extra penny and hardly enough to meet the NEEDS. I clothed the kids with garage sales and eventually took up to 5 part time teaching positions to cover kids expenses (college).
I have just completed week 1 flex coaching and am slowly identifying areas of damage/concern that I will need to address. Firstly, I have to find my voice and insist that I need to be heard. I am not shy…but have been pushed down (like whack a mole) and told that I was not trusting God with my needs, I am a poor role model for my girls of a Prov. 31 woman, etc…..always criticizing (gaslighting) MY faith as LESS than HIS faith and wisdom….Coming out of Gothard’s cult, I have lived believing that I was inferior spiritually…always needing hubby‘’a help to understand what God was saying to me….I am rebuilding my faith understanding…one horrible lie at a time so a lot of rebuilding is ongoing. PS. My 2 middle daughters are apostate and blame ME for their upbringing being “Amish” and denying them FUN. They are estranged from ME but not my hubby, who continues to be invited to family events and attend without me. I have 2 grands that I have not been allowed to meet because of my faith and how I vote. I am toxic…but Dad is good. Peace at all cost…..is how he did it… send me forth to carry out his edict (patriarchy rules this) and let the consequences land on ME> so they have…I am navigating this mess at age 69…trying to redeem the years the locusts have eaten, refusing to give up my comfortable home, garden, pool and find meaning in this alone time…God will guide and provide, but it is overwhelming at times. I am hopefully the MBPP course will give me clarity on how to move forward.
Good for you Dee. Happy you have taken this first step in stewarding yourself and not apologizing for your needs, your growth and your wisdom.
I divorced my abusive husband and it was final 3 years ago this month. Hallelujah! God is so good.
Now I try to help other women in abusive marriages or situations and unfortunately most do not want to do their work. I say they want the Easy button where husband or others magically change and all is good. It’s not the easier path, but it is the path of least resistance.
So I choose to let them go until such a time they might be willing to look honestly at themselves. Point being that any healthy relationship or even ministry work requires the same or similar things as a marriage. If not present, I walk away emotionally and sometimes physically, but always open if they choose the healthy path.
Julie, you are right. Often women who have been deeply harmed by others don’t realize that even though they were victims of others mistreatment, they still have their own work to do to get whole and healthy BEFORE they attempt to move on to a new romantic relationship. Looking honestly at self in this kind of situation in no way implies that you are to blame for what he did or didn’t do. But when you choose to stay in a relationship that is repeatedly dangerous, unsafe, toxic, lacks trust, cruel, disrespectful and don’t ask yourself what keeps you willing to accept this kind of mistreatment, then you are likely to repeat the same pattern even if you find a different partner.
Learning to recognize what is mine to carry and what is not.
Example:
The comment BIL made to me today after the dog being babysat escaped out the front door: .“Anyone else would have known to stop her (the dog) from escaping.”
Was it my fault? Would, actually, every other person have stopped the dog?
Well, of course not! I could immediately recognize his saying so and having that perspective was his problem, not mine… and it was just like water on a duck… comment didn’t affect me at all .