I’ve Wasted My Life On My Husband; How Can I Look Forward To The Future?
Hi, friends! This time of year reminds me that every meaningful choice has a cost. Here in the USA, July brings fireworks, backyard cookouts, parades, and red, white, and blue everywhere we look. Wherever you live, freedom is something we all long for. And freedom is rarely free. It asks us to let go of something in order to take hold of something better.
It is true for believers as well, freedom doesn’t come without sacrifice. Sometimes becoming the woman God created you to be requires the courage to separate from what has kept you bound. It means separating from unhealthy expectations, old roles, or beliefs that worth is dependent on satisfying others. We can become enslaved by such things. Galatians 5:1 tells us, ”For freedom, Christ set us free. Stand firm, then, and don’t submit again to the yoke of slavery.”
I pray you have a joyful July. No matter what country you call home, may you celebrate the freedom Christ has purchased for you and find the courage to live as the woman He created you to be.
Today’s Question: I’ve personally learned and grown a lot in the process of trying to create a healthy marriage. Unfortunately, after a decade of focused effort, there has been no improvement in the relationship. Regardless of my efforts or changes, my husband chooses to remain emotionally immature and refuses to take responsibility for his own behaviors, attitudes, or growth.
I am left feeling that I have largely wasted my time and energy. I sacrificed myself, my career, and my interests for the benefit of my husband and my kids, including one with serious medical issues, being a SAHM. My health has deteriorated. Now my husband is threatening to retire early, in spite of a fabulously successful career (and we can’t afford for him to retire early). I look in the mirror and see…nothing. My greatest accomplishments were 40 years ago. I can’t consider my kids “accomplishments“, because that subtracts from their autonomy. My husband claims that I have not contributed to his success.
I feel like I missed my life. I know we only have the present time, not the past or the future. My marriage has been a failure (while looking “ fine” to others). How do I stop feeling like a personal failure? When the majority of my life is spent, how do I look forward to the future?
Susan’s Response: My heart goes out to you, and I hear the deep grief in your words. I can imagine that you expected something different from marriage than what you are experiencing. Perhaps there was once an agreement that you would forgo a career in order to focus on home building and child rearing while your husband focused on building income and affording necessities. Or maybe it was never discussed and only expected. Now he is deciding he may change the plan without your agreement. I understand why you might be disappointed or even angry. Unilateral decision making within a partnership undermines trust and mutuality.
Communicating anger can be challenging because when it is reactive or unregulated, it is not likely to be productive. I hope you can take some time to understand your emotions more fully so you can assertively convey your thoughts and desires around finances and retirement. Realize communication may not be received, no matter how well you present. Your delivery is your responsibility, the response is his.
Within grief, anger may feel predominant at times and then it may give way to hopelessness. These intense emotions may cause you to believe you have failed and there is nothing good in your future. You may be telling yourself that you have not accomplished anything in the last 40 years. If I may, I’d like to both encourage you and challenge that belief.
I wonder what might be different if you were to look in the mirror with compassion rather than harsh judgement? Remind yourself of the reasons behind the choices you made throughout the last few decades. Certainly, you know more now than you did then. That is how growth and maturity unfold. You couldn’t necessarily predict the outcome then, and now you have the opportunity to shift or to make different choices.
The reality is, when we make life decisions, it means we must give up something else for the sake of what we are choosing. A healthy parent does give up parts of life for the benefit of the ones she loves. A problem develops when the choice to forgo one thing for another becomes the evidence used against yourself. Instead of telling yourself, “I chose to invest my time and effort into my family”, you may be saying, “I have nothing to show for my life”. The latter will likely lead you to feel like a personal failure.
Before you dismiss those years as “wasted”, I encourage you to pause and notice something important. What values were guiding your decision to be home to raise your children rather than investing in a career? Staying home with a child with serious medical issues may have been more than a preference or an obligation.
Loving, serving, and nurturing others is never a wasted life. The pain comes when those sacrifices are dismissed or exploited. That kind of wound can cause you to question your choices or even your worth. Don't confuse the betrayal of your sacrifices with the value of your sacrifices.
I want to make an important distinction here. There is a difference between self-sacrifice and self-abandonment. Self-sacrifice is choosing to lay something down because it reflects your values within a season of life God has called you to. Self-abandonment happens when, in the process of care for everyone else, you lose connection with the woman God is calling you to be. You stop listening for your own needs and purpose until your voice becomes stifled and your interests become irrelevant.
Self-sacrifice reflects the Holy Spirit’s fruit of love, which causes you to grow into a more mature version of yourself. Self-abandonment erases your identity and diminishes your purpose.
The stories you tell yourself matter. You have the opportunity to challenge the narrative that says your life has been wasted and instead focus on what was good about how you spent life. Poring into children has value that is not always visible on the external. It doesn’t pad your savings accounts, it doesn’t come with a framed diploma, and there are no material assets to show for that time spent. But there is certainly value in helping children discover their identity and become autonomous.
Continue to highlight in your mind the ways in which you have “grown a lot in the process” of your life. Even if your husband claims you have not contributed to his success, will you allow his words to measure your worth? When someone dismisses years of faithful investment, it can leave you questioning whether any of it mattered. That is a painful wound. However, another person’s inability or unwillingness to recognize your contribution does not determine its value.
Now if you allow yourself to dream for a moment, what future do you desire? You have the opportunity to look back on your choices to gain feedback. What does that feedback tell you about what you want going forward? What brings joy and fulfillment? The next chapter of your life is up to you to write. What might be possible for you?
If you are beginning to realize that always putting others' desires above your own has caused you to deteriorate, I want to know there is another way. The LV&Co Moving Beyond People Pleasing flexible group coaching experience can help you care deeply for others while growing your God given purpose and identity.
Be well!
Beloved reader, have you ever wondered where healthy self-sacrifice ends and self-abandonment begins? As you have cared for others, what parts of you stayed rooted in your identity and what parts became so small they were hard to recognize? How could you purposefully bring the best parts of you back and into your future?
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Thanks for the great words of encouragement, you always have great words to give and spot on. They are SO uplifting & needed for the emptiness we find our souls at sometimes. It’s such a blessing and relief to hear your words, they lift our hope and help to carry us through! Than you for doing all you do!
Glad to have you in the LV&Co community, N Moreno!
I agree. Susan’s words encourage us to reflect on our pasts and help us examine our motives. That in turn can propel us into healthier futures.
Thank you… very clarifying and inspiring. God bless
Wow! This really hit home for me! I just went thru this! Near the “end” of my marriage, I had lost my voice (he didn’t hear me – my opinions or thoughts on what we should do.) He also heavily minimized what I contributed to our family and life as a SAHM… I finally (thanks to a therapist) tried to have a conversation (many conversations) with him… but nothing changed
We are now divorced & I’m still healing & still in therapy.
I am glad to hear you are valuing yourself and getting healing, MC!
To the dear sister writing in…….i completely understand your every word. I have lived and felt it. I have a 33yo disabled daughter and she’s been disabled since birth. This life is all consuming. But it is also what has drawn out into the light my very best attributes. Gods fruit!!! My daughter has been a huge source of joy in my life and yes, hardships too. As I write, I am sitting in icu at her bedside for day 36. 35 days ago I was told she was not going to make it. Throughout her life, Gid has shown me who He is and what He is capable of. Over and over and over. I want you to just stare at your children from a distance and just watch them. I assume they are older now. But just watch them and grab on to every single thing they do and say that make you feel proud of them. And then understand internally that they have those attributes because you helped them have them. And see that your sacrifice was not for nothing. Honestly…who cares what your husband thinks. What matters is what YOU think. I think we cling too hard sometimes to this “American” idea that everything is about career and money and prestige etc etc. None of that stuff means anything at all. I have a degree in business admin with entrepreneurship concentration. I dreamed of owning my own business. I can see it that I never got to have that. But reality is….ive been running a business for 33 years being my daughters service coordinator, advocate, REgistered nurse, speech, occupational and physical therapist, emotional support, medical coordinator and the list goes on and on and on and on. My point is, shift your focus and perspective to what you HAVE done instead of what you have not. I think you will find plenty to be happy about! Love and hugs!!
Thank you so much for your words about sit back and watch my 4 young adult children and be proud of everything they say and do and feel proud of them because I helped form them . Made me cry. One of my friends said to me “ you know all of your kids have this sweetness to them and I think that comes from you “ so rewarding her words… lord bless you all the ladies reading these encouraging words to keep on moving forward even when the exhusband discards your lifetime sacrifice … In Christ Love ..AMEN
Thank you for sharing your experience, Beverly! There is so much wisdom in your words. May you continue to see God with you and your daughter in a very personal way.
Thank you, Beverly, for your words of wisdom and encouragement. I will hold onto them. You are very blessed, and so is your daughter! I will pray for comfort for you and your daughter.❤️
Beverly, I hope God is comforting you now; thank you for sharing all that. Thank you for reminding us of the importance of selfless devotion to our children.
Your testimony is a comfort. Love you see the skills you developed to love and care for your daughter.
Thank you. So similar to what I have been pondering about my life lately as I approach the last 1/3 of life’s journey. One comfort to me is the verse about even a cup of cold water given in his name is of value. I love the focus on the future which lies ahead and the remembering the past in the context of those stages of life. Thank you to the one who asked the question with vulnerable eloquency and for the wise perspective in the answer.
I love the question and love the response to this even more. I am grieved that I could have wrote the same question and have seen the response in my own life. I don’t understand how I have gotten so lost in my marriage but grateful for the Lord showing me where to go, providing clarity, opening my eyes -thank you Leslie Vernick and all of your coaches
Ginger I agree with everything you wrote. Thank you, Leslie and Susan
May God be with you in your growth and healing, Nancy!
I’m glad you are here, Ginger. Thank you for commenting. God is good!
As a SAHM myself, I have enjoyed watching my children, and now grandchildren, grow into capable adults. What I thought my life would become (my hopes and dreams) turned out very differently, because shortly after marriage, my husband and I chose to commit our lives to Christ. Now He has led us on a path that I never could have contemplated. My dearest hope is to hear Him say to me, “Well done, good and faithful servant. Enter into the joy of your Lord.” This verse is the antidote to being a people pleaser. To live for Him is what counts.
I agree with Susan’s advice and all the others here. As a mother and wife, the impact of our sacrifices may be hidden, but it’s there if you look for it.
Thank you for sharing, JoAnn!
Susan, thank for this, and for all of your shared wisdom!
It’s all important; a few things really stood out for me.
“ Unilateral decision making within a partnership undermines trust and mutuality.”
and can logically leave you feeling insecure
“ Loving, serving, and nurturing others is never a wasted life. “
“Don’t confuse the betrayal of your sacrifices with the value of your sacrifices.”
“ Even if your husband claims you have not contributed to his success, will you allow his words to measure your worth?”
“ another person’s inability or unwillingness to recognize your contribution does not determine its value.”
True, and it reminds me that the lack of trust and closeness in the marriage on my part is not due to my own actions: you just can’t feel close (especially not intimately close) to someone who does not see, hear, understand, respect, or appreciate you. Once you’ve reached out, over time, in your values, to communicate, empathize, and connect with them…that lack of connection is a lack in them, not a lack in you.
“ Self-abandonment erases your identity and diminishes your purpose. The stories you tell yourself matter.”
Many of us were taught that self-sacrifice and self-abandonment were the same thing. Thank you for pointing out the differences between them. Learning that we matter, and all about healthy boundaries, is a large part of this journey toward a healthier life, even when a healthy marriage is not possible.
And most importantly:
“ what future do you desire?”
“ What brings joy and fulfillment? The next chapter of your life is up to you to write. What might be possible for you?”
Answering these questions is my focus now.
Glad to have you as part of the LV&Co community, Living in Grace!
We thank our creator redeemer for providing us with body of Christ of which Susan and Leslie and Co are a part of. They have been a huge blessing to us women and greatful to have found them in my life time.
I agree, Susan’s wisdom is so palpable in what she writes. The wisdom she has gained from her own life experience and using them as stepping stones into maturity and strength so she can be a light to other women through the darkness of destructive marriages.
I really felt the words below in my body:
“another person’s inability or unwillingness to recognize your contribution does not determine its value.” and “Don’t confuse the betrayal of your sacrifices with the value of your sacrifices.”
Also, the way she defines self-sacrifice and self -abandonment really gave me clarity.
It’s my prayer Holy Spirit will breathe life on these truths and let them bring forth something new in your soul.
“You shall know the truth and and the truth shall set you free!”
Be blessed 🙏🏽
Married to an abuser for 25 years, then after 8 years free marrying another abuser, 21 years now, I’ve had the same thoughts. Just saying.
I am sorry, Connie. What do you want to take away for yourself?
It’s ok. Many people in history have been imprisoned in one way or another. In the morning, I ask Jesus how I can partner with Him today to bring His Kingdom to earth. Some days it’s a matter of ministering to Him, as the sons of Zadok in Ezekiel 44. I don’t have to have everything figured out. Hebrews tells us that a lot of people never see the results. Entering into rest is a beautiful thing. Be still and know…..in some translations it says, Cease striving and know…..
Hebrews tells us that many people never see the results of their faith. It’s okay. Many people have been imprisoned in one way or another and still served God. I wake up each morning and ask Jesus how I can partner with him today to help bring His Kingdom to earth. I don’t need anyone’s permission for that. Some days it’s ministering to Him, like the sons of Zadok in Ezekiel 44. Entering into rest is a good thing, I don’t need to figure everything out. Be still and know is also translated as Cease striving and know.
I’ve learned boundaries, I’ve learned to detach, I’ve learned my worth, try to be grateful, pray that the evil is exposed and truth revealed.
Why am I struggling with the answer to this question? I’m in the same boat and struggling to find myself after 36 years of marriage to a man I didn’t even realize was dismissing me, controlling me, manipulating me. I’m hurt and my grief/anger is overwhelming. I react, I’m numb, I’m in pain, and I disguise it. The answer you gave sounds perfect, and yet…do I have the strength to turn this towards me now? To tell me I can turn this around by simply recognizing my own value. Even more deflated than before. Am I the only one?
I understand. In the boat with you If I read this as a friend of this women’s instead of focusing on my own situation at the same time, I would tell her that looking back isn’t not helpful, that love towards yourself in this moment will strengthen you. It’s a new day., with new possibilities. I say this as a woman with a 22 yr old disabled son and a husband who has made huge financial mistakes, now not taking initiative to improve things, and relies on me to direct, but gets mad at me for any expectations I might have. I’m on wait lists for apartments for us, and have chronic health problems myself. Just doing little things like calling an attorney or mediator or therapist or apartment can move the needle. There is hope. You are loved!
Sandy, I hear you! I used to be so frustrated with others, and myself, when I would hear advice like “ value yourself “, because I could encourage others, but deep down, I felt like that advice just didn’t apply to me.
What has helped has been reading, rereading, taking a break, talking to friends…and taking slow, teeny tiny steps toward mental and emotional autonomy.
Several years ago when my husband would say something belittling toward me, my first thought would be, “ is that true? Am I that person? Did I do that? Is it my failing or my fault?”
Now when he says something to put me down, I ask myself: “ is that true?” …and usually, the answer is No. Usually his criticisms, unkindness, and contempt come from his own dysfunctions and refusals to be responsible for his own beliefs and behaviors.
Unfortunately, since I can’t trust his negative statements as coming from a place of honesty, I also can’t accept when he compliments me, which I used to do out of desperation for love and approval, even though I know in that moment he “ means” it. There just isn’t the necessary foundation of reciprocal and mutual love, respect, emotional safety, and care.
It really is true: you choose what the actions of other people mean to you.
It may be that when you step back and really look at what the situation is ( almost as an observer rather than a participant) your conclusion may be: this person’s behavior has nothing to do with me, regardless of what they say.
For me, that conclusion also means that this is a person who I can’t have a close relationship with.
I work every day to not repeat the “ stories” I’ve heard about me to myself, ( mostly from my husband and my mother), but try to hear other perspectives…that I AM a person of value, that my income ( or non- income ) doesn’t define my worth, that I have contributed good to the world.
It has been a painfully slow process. Some days are better than others. Many days it doesn’t feel like I’m making any progress. But then other days I see a glimmer of hope.
I have come to the conclusion that the marriage I’m in has no emotional safety or connection for me, and there is nothing more that I can do about that.
So very, very slowly, I am turning my attention away from trying to fix the marriage, or convince my husband he – and we – would be so much happier if he would just make better choices and take responsibility for himself. It’s hard to let go of trying just one more way to get him to understand, but after several years of intense effort, I can honestly say, I’ve done enough.
Leslie Vernick has been my foundation for learning new ways. Another site I recently found is https://anniewright.com/. She has a way of not only explaining where I am, but gives specific steps to move forward as well.
Now I am moving, ever so slowly, toward thinking about myself: what I want, what I can do, what I want my future to look like.
And feeling, finally, that it is not only ok to think about myself, my needs, and my wants…that it is my real responsibility. And feeling (almost) like there is a future to look forward to.
I wish you blessings, peace, and renewed joy in your journey. It can be a slow and rocky path, but we are all walking together. Sending you hugs today❤️
Sandy, there is no simple solution. Recognizing your value may be an important step. Doing the work is hard and if. you don’t value yourself, you will have a hard time persevering. LV&Co would love to support and encourage you along the journey. You will need the support of others. May God give you the strength you need!
Your life is not over. 1 divorced after 36 yrs. That was 7 yrs ago. I’ve changed jobs 3x moved 3x each of these for the better. Made lots of new friends. Active Jn addiction ministry. God brings me women in hard marriages. Walking with a few right now. Active in church. Lots of volunteer options.
I went to divorce Tecovery program have 7 long time friends we don’t meet as often but they are survivors and thriving in life. Not my plan but I love it. Early on from Leslie healing comes from God. We can never get healing or our dignity back from our abuser.
One step toward believing your enough and then another. 🌸💕🌸💕🌸
Steven Coveys (7 habits of highly effective people author) started writing a book “Crescendo” with his daughter Cynthia Haller. He passed and she finished it. The point of the book was no matter our age our most important work is always in front of us. It may be worth a read.
As long as we live we have the opportunity to love and serve others. No measure spent in those endeavors is wasted.
Has love or kindness give or support given to you in someway, even small ways, not greatly impacted you? It has me. We all need love understanding compassion to be seen and we all have the capacity to give those things to others.
It can take many shapes.
Your life is changing seasons. In the next you’ll take what you’ve learned and grow. Nothing is wasted when we learn.
You can do it. You can. The world needs what you offer.
With love and compassion-Sally
Thank you for the encouragement, Sally!
Sally…and everyone…thank you for your wisdom. I’m the one who wrote the original question. It was a little while ago. Each month I receive new insight, comfort, and direction…never from my husband, but from friends and strangers.
I DID, semi- unconsciously, give up my career, which was so very important to me in my 20’s. I worked extremely hard to succeed in a male- dominated field, and had to stand up to a lot of stupidity thrown at me.
But you’re right…it’s not always the “ big” accomplishments that matter. Sometimes it’s being the person others can trust when they need empathy.
Recently it has been brought to my attention that the times I showed up for people, sometimes intentionally, sometimes just “ being there”, were the moments that helped someone else keep moving forward. As far back as a moment with a college friend (recently reconnected with); to my kids’ friends looking for support from an adult, when they were afraid to go to their parents; to my own kids’ struggles; and then just the other day, an elderly in-law asked for my “ opinion “, but was really looking for support in their choice. Even the smallest kindnesses, like sharing flowers or fruit from my garden, can make someone feel seen that day.
Thank you for reminding me…these are the moments that matter most.
I am so thankful for all the women at LV & Co. I have listened to all the podcasts at least twice and other podcasts over the last 7 years. I have learned so much from them. My life has totally changed. We are still living in the same house, but in different bedrooms. I am finally living free now that I found my voice. At first I didn’t even know what that meant. God has given me strength I didn’t know existed. It really is true that God doesn’t give you what you need until you need it. I have become a God-centered woman instead of a man-centered women. Thank you ladies.