Understanding Covert Emotional Abuse in Marriage
Morning friend,
I’m heading to Portugal on Saturday for an art and leadership week. In art I will be practicing using my intuition to guide my painting. In leadership I will also be practicing some new skills and learnings. I’m excited and scared. (I think those feelings are the same feeling, depending on how you label them).
This is a long trip, traveling alone, transferring in London etc. I’ve done plenty of overseas mission’s trips in the past but I was younger then and things were simpler. I’d really appreciate your prayers for my safe arrival and return. My health. And that God would give me the lessons I need for my growth and leadership abilities. I’ll send pictures for next week’s blog.
Today’s Question: I am so grateful for the work you do to help women in such confusing relationships! Your collective guidance has helped me to grow stronger, healthier and clear-minded in Christ. One struggle I am facing lately, though, is wrestling with some doubt when I listen to the stories of other women who have been in “worse” situations than me.
I hear testimonies of women who have faced physical abuse or verbal abuse, or even emotional abuse that is much more overt and visible than what I am currently facing. My brain starts to tell me that divorcing is acceptable in those situations because it is CLEARLY abusive and damaging.
My husband is much more covert in his emotional abuse and is more emotionally unavailable, indifferent toward me and neglectful. He is meek, and playing the victim constantly is his preferred method of control. Because he isn’t angry or scary or visibly aggressive, it can be confusing.
There is definitely damage, I am not denying that, but I suppose because it isn’t so visible, I start to wonder if this is “bad enough” to warrant divorce.
And am I being selfish to want to break free? Can you speak to this specific struggle that I, and likely other ladies, are facing?
Answer: Thank you for your thoughtful question. I suspect that there are many women in your shoes. First, let me say that comparing your story to someone else’s story to decide whether your experience is valid or harmful isn’t a great strategy. Would you say to someone with a sprained ankle that her pain isn’t valid or serious because her ankle wasn’t broken like her neighbor’s ankle was? Or would someone with a broken ankle feel guilty for complaining about the pain because her leg wasn’t severed in the accident like the other driver’s was? No. Everyone’s story is unique to them. Pain is pain. And a sprained ankle needs to heal every bit as much as a severed leg.
Plus, we all have different capacities to deal with pain, trauma, rejection, verbal abuse, gaslighting, lying, and neglect depending on our history, our physical constitution, and the situation we experience and for how long.
Is emotional neglect less abusive, less damaging than physical abuse? Studies with children now show that neglect is one of the most damaging forms of abuse. Why? Because neglect says to a child you don’t matter enough for me to put any energy into caring for you, protecting you, or helping you live or grow in a safe, stable environment.
One of the promises made in a marriage ceremony is the promise to care. To prioritize the needs and even some of the wants of the beloved. When a spouse is habitually neglected, shamed for complaining or asking for basic needs to be met, or abandoned emotionally, physically, financially, sexually and spiritually it’s still called abuse, even if it’s less obvious to outsiders. And the impact on the victim is real.
The question you wrestle with is what kind of “abuse” is bad enough to justify or warrant divorce? The only one who can decide that is you. Some people will tell you that the Bible says no amount of adultery, abuse, or bad behavior ever justifies divorce. Others believe the Bible permits divorce for certain conditions namely, abuse, adultery and abandonment. And as you know, defining abuse is not always clear.
Therefore, before deciding whether to end your marriage, I’d encourage you to take a moment to reflect on something. You said he uses more “covert” methods of control, such as victim mindset, emotional unavailability, neglect, etc. I’d like you to notice how his strategy sucks you into being “controlled”. If you haven’t done so yet, this is your work to do right now, even before you decide whether divorce is right for you.
Otherwise, if you skip this important step, you can end the marriage, but you will still be vulnerable to other people who use this same strategy to control you. God tells us that we are not to be controlled by other people, including a spouse. (2 Corinthians 5:14; Galatians 1:10).
What might be possible if you got strong enough so that his covert strategies don’t work to control you anymore? You might discover a new you. One with more inner strength and God strength. And you might see some different things in him. For example, he may get more obviously angry when you are no longer easily controlled and become more aggressive. If that is what happens, now things become much clearer for you around the abuse and divorce question. Or an opposite reaction is that he may quietly admire the work you’re doing and become motivated to do some inner work of his own. You don’t know which direction, if any, he might choose, but I’d encourage you to not miss the work you need to do.
Remember, your work here isn’t simply to decide the divorce question. That’s important for sure. But it’s also looking at what’s happening to you inside. Your tendency to compare yourself to others to make decisions about the validity of your own experience. Your tendency to be controlled by your husband’s bad moods, sulking, victim mindset and emotional manipulation. If you can begin to see how this experience could be “for your good” then you can trust God to walk you through it without fear that you’re making a wrong step and come through it a stronger, healthier woman.
Friend, where do you notice that you invalidate your own experience if it’s not “as bad as” someone else’s? Are you able to recognize the internal lie that keeps you stuck?
38 Comments
Leave a Comment
Ask Your Question
Have a blog question you'd like to submit?
Submit
Your Question
Each week, Leslie & Co. answers an anonymous reader question on the blog. Due to the volume of questions we receive, we cannot answer every one. Please submit your question below:
Read More
A Biblical Response to Domestic Violence
Happy Columbus Day, This past weekend I attended my 40th High School reunion. I can hardly believe I am this old to have graduated 40 years ago. I loved seeing everyone again, finding old friends, making new ones. We danced the night away but I forgot I’m not 18 anymore. I strained my ankle trying…
Will Spiritual Warfare Prayers Change A Narcissist?
Morning friends, It’s hard to believe that August is almost here. The older I get the faster time seems to go by. Do you remember as a kid how summer vacation seemed so long? Now it feels like a blink of an eye before winter will be here again. It makes the Scripture more real…
When You See the Truth They Can’t: A Mother’s Quiet Strength
Dear Beloved Reader, I’ve had a beautiful June so far—one that surprised me with healing in the most unexpected places. I took time to visit some of my old stomping grounds, and somehow, walking familiar paths reminded me how far I’ve come. There’s something about returning to the places that shaped us that also helps…
So well said! Thank you!
Well said. What hurting is hurting you.
You can not use what is happening to other people to decide if you are hurting. Your body tells you by keeping the score.
Your personal bodily , mental and emotional response to what you’re experiencing tells you whether it’s harming you or not. We all have different capacity so please work with your own capacity. Blessings 🙏🏽
Thank you so much for this, wow. And in my experience the rage and anger does come when you no longer accept the control.
This was exactly my situation. And when I said I couldn’t continue that way I was met with, I’ll never be the man you want. So, there I had it. You’re def not alone in the covert, victim mindset marriage.
Ah yes exactly what I am expecting
My experience is that after I learned to not accept the controlling techniques he got much angrier and attempted more severe controlling techniques for several months. I’m guessing out of desperation. But when i stuck to my boundaries and did not accept the control, he eventuly began to examine himself and work on himself. He even freely admitted that the struggles in our marriage are “his fault” and that he knows he has been a significant cause of stress. Our story isn’t over, so I don’t know what’s next. But I know I’m following God so much better now, so I’m less afraid of whatever happens next.
Wow that’s a good result!!
Same here and that gives you clarity and information.
Hi Mary,
What boundaries did you use with him? I’m working on establishing boundaries with my spouse. How did you “not accept” his controlling techniques? Some practical examples would be really helpful.
Blessings.
What ways can I get stronger so his covert ways don’t control me anymore. Everytime I stand up for myself he gets worse. He doesn’t talk, touch, do any household things and on his phone. We both have victim mentalities, and I have anxious attachment. My love language is touch and caring and that’s the first thing he stopped with me. What ways to grow me with God with or without him?
Please consider that the missing element when you stand up for yourself (attempt to set a boundary) is that once he gets worse, than you must follow through with an appropriate consequence. He’s actually trying to control you by using passive-aggressive techniques such as withholding his affection and ignoring you. A good consequence would be to state that you won’t be controlled by his behavior any longer and then continue doing what you want and not give in to his immature behavior. Not to punish him but to take control of your own safety, sanity and strength. There’s a difference. It sounds like you could benefit from learning how to apply consequences. Leslie and Dr. Henry Cloud have great books on this. Leslie’s book “The Emotionally Destructive Marriage” and Dr. Cloud’s “Boundaries” would be a good start.
Lean on God, and not on Him. We need God. We don’t need our spouse. You don’t need to feel loved by Him. You need to follow God. God’s love for you is what makes you valuable, not your spouse’s attention or kindness. Work on those hard things, and as you make progress your husband will have less control over you.
Cathy, Can I say, I love that you start by asking, “what ways can I get stronger”?
It’s taken me years ( literally ) to really understand and incorporate the concept of boundaries: that I am responsible for my thoughts, actions, responses, but that I am NOT responsible for my husband’s.
In the past, when he got upset over something or nothing ( I don’t yell, project my actions onto him, or call him names, as he does to me; all of my frustration goes internal…also not a great way to live, I’ve developed a cardiac condition) I would immediately question myself, not him. I’d think, “ maybe I should have phrased it differently/ done something differently “? I’ve spent so much time trying to learn the “ perfect” ways to communicate.
The books suggested are helpful. I’d add one I just found: The Dance of Connection, by Harriet Lerner
What I’ve learned over time: if your husband is interested in listening to you, understanding you; interested in your needs and wants, not just his; and accepting your feedback …you don’t need to phrase everything perfectly, because he’s interested in really hearing and seeing you.
It’s taken a long time for me, because it took me a long time to see reality.
My adult daughter recently moved back home temporarily. She ( happily) hasn’t developed the habit of silencing herself in order to maintain a facade of “ pleasing” someone else.
The first few weeks she was home, she said something in conversation that my husband didn’t agree with.
He argued with her, briefly, but she held to her position. He stomped off, pouting, packed a bag, and disappeared for 3 days.
He’s done this to me many times, but never in front of anyone else.
You can’t have an adult, empathetic conversation with someone who leaves the house the minute you say something that doesn’t 100% agree with their perspective.
Two more resources you may want to take a look at:
Darlene Lancer, https://whatiscodependency.com/
Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People, by Lindsay C Gibson
Thank you for your thoughts and resource recommendations!
I believe that I am in the same boat as this woman. I see the same tendencies in my husband that she has noted in hers. I have also noticed that when I tell him no, that is when his mood changes. In fact, it just happened today. He ever stepped a boundary yesterday. Then requested something that I’m not comfortable with, and I told him no. And then this morning he was sulky and irritable. I am in that fork in the road just like this lady and trying to decide whether divorce is the best option. We have a 17-year-old son and an eight year-old son caught in the middle.
Thank you for your response to this lady and how important it is not to compare hurts and pains. I needed to hear that too.
I appreciate this post and the reminder of Bible verses.to focus on and realize the times where his emotions and reactions can control you. This has come to light for me….and it’s a journey to not be affected by it as much, getting to the point of no more.
I had a husband who was also very covert in his abuse. I was told I was just too sensitive. He’d set expectations and then not show up. It was so hurtful. There were many lies, half truths and deceptions. He was often ” the victim. ” I would show up for him but when I asked for my needs and him to show up for me, I was labeled as too needy, trying to attack him, etc. It was crazy making. Thru counseling and conquer, I learned to get stronger and create better boundaries. Unfortunately, he did get more angry and controlling when that happened. Since he didn’t do his work but blamed me,, I decided to divorce him am working thru the grief but I finally feel safe and am reclaiming the joy and who I was meant to be in God. Praying for you to find clarity and friends to stand with you in such a difficult time. You’re not crazy, The emotional abuse is real and takes it’s toll even if it’s quiet.
In my own marriage, I live with an increasingly crotchety, critical, negative, demanding and often verbally abusive husband. But Leslie’s work has called me to become a stronger person. I have had to learn to tune out the negative verbal responses and be true to myself and to the Lord. That completely goes against my nature. I am a collaborative person. I like to work with committees and groups. I like to hear other people’s ideas and brainstorm together. It is not easy for me to stop taking his constant negative comments seriously, to continue to believe in myself and just continue to do what I set out to do. It is even more difficult because there are some times when he is in a genuine problem-solving mode and we are able to work together. But there are many more times when I must listen to him but not be impacted by his negative opposition, just continue to do what I know is right. That is enormously hard for me. But with Leslie’s influence, I am making progress.
Become a stronger person and see where your life and marriage goes.
Karen, You shone a light on something I’ve never noticed before…I’m like you, I enjoy working with others, and appreciate their feedback on my ideas and work. I never realized that this was a source of cognitive dissonance with my husband: I am willing to listen to feedback; he isn’t.
I think that’s why, for so long, I continued to question myself: is he right? am I doing what he’s accusing me of? But 99% of the time, his “feedback” is manipulation, bullying, or trying to excuse or justify his own hurtful actions. Thank you for your input!
Could you provide some guidance please helping me notice how his covert strategies suck me in to continue being controlled?
This is also my story. I’ve started setting boundaries and he’s gone into full Mr. nice guy mode/victim mode. We’re living in separate parts of the house now and I am emotionally disengaged. I know there are several boundaries that should be said and I have just learned recently that they need to be addressed. I will be seeking guidance from a wise person on how to proceed with that. So that said, are there other ways that I need to be aware of that I’m being controlled without realizing it?
Sound advice..
The dynamics with my H are much the same. At 34yrs into this, it’s a lonely/empty marriage if it you can even call it that.
I began ( after being made aware of narcissistic abuse) to disconnect/disengage/ emotionally uninvest. I did thus to protect my heart bc I was becoming some butter person God never intended fir be to be. H responded with even more neglect.
There was no communication to even attempt civil discussion. I would love to be able to work through issues.
Working on personally getting stronger & also departing.
Sorry for the typos …
So happy you addressed this issue Leslie, as there are women who have doubts like is . I was one of those women! It wasn’t until i I found my autonomy, my voice, and my no that things became worse! God is faithful and he will guide you! Be prayerful, bold and obedient
This is my exact situation except my husband is also a drug addict. Very covert. I always find out too late and he’s in bankruptcy as well. When is enough, enough?
This sounds like my situation as well. He’s never been aggressive. The best way I can describe it is ongoing emotional harassment. Bullying. Rejection. Silence. But always expected to show up with a smile on face and a song in my heart that all is well. Mixed in are fun times that give the appearance to others that we are in a great marriage and we love each so much. Until no one is around… I’ve asked myself so many times if I’m making too much of it, but my new question to myself is would Jesus treat me this way? If a husband is called to love his wife as Christ loves the church, would Christ be sneaky and underhanded to His bride? Would he find creative ways to belittle and undermine her? Would He always make it her fault to the point she thinks she is a defective person that not even God can help? I’m learning the answer is no to all of that. He has called us to serve each other, not abuse each other. My decision to divorce became a little easier (not that divorce is easy) because he was the one who came to me and said he wanted a divorce. He said he’s felt disrespected, dismissed, that I’ve pushed him away for 25 years and that he has never had a friend in me. I’m grateful I was already learning about projection because I would have absolutely gone back to doing everything I could to try to make him feel loved and supported and respected. I was always trying to “fix” the distance because it always came back to me being the broken one and if I could just be not so broken he would finally love me and treat me like I had value. I’ve spent over 2 decades trying to be the sweet, submissive wife I was raised in church to be. Now that I am carefully listening to his words and not fawning or over-functioning to try to please him, it has freed me up to focus on the painful truth – that I married someone who has used me all this time as more of an employee than a beloved wife. And now I’m focusing on what God says of me instead. THANK YOU Leslie Vernick & all your counselors, Lysa TerKeurst, Jim Cress, Joel Muddamalle, and so many others who have shed light in the dark room I was living in!! God is helping me one day at a time!
Thank you for sharing your story, it’s so helpful to hear the details of what others are experiencing to help make sense of our own situations. I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this!
Thank you. I’m sorry you’re going through this as well 🙁 I agree. Hearing other ladies’ stories helped me so much to see that what I’ve been experiencing is truly wrong and not all my fault. I am finally seeing I’m not the defective person I thought I was. Praying for wisdom and strength for you!
I agreed it is helpful to hear you precious ladies tell parts of your story. I can see bits of mine in so many. I went through Conquers and it changed ME. Changed me not him but me. In one year I have such big changes for myself. I am staying well- it that doesn’t mean I am. not lonely in my marriage and disconnected. I am. But iI am well. I know who I am and whose I am. I studied Song of Songs this year w some ladies. We are His bride.
It is not over and I will continue the journey. But in a much better place. And my husband was the covert abuser that blamed me. And I second guessed myself for what was happening. we are married almost 43 years. Not all terrible times of Course. But a very destructive marriage and not a good role model for our children.
Thank you Leslie and team. I am growing at 68 years old and always.
Thank you for your response to my question, Leslie! I am glad it resonated with some other ladies as well.
I have participated in a program called Regeneration at a local church (much like Celebrate Recovery) for the past 2 years which God has used to “wake me up” and heal so much of my own issues. And honestly, even before that God (it was absolutely by *his* power and will, not my own) started to break the trauma bond before I even knew what that was. I have grown so much stronger and wiser and I absolutely do see this experience as for my good. Through the program God revealed to me the low self-worth and codependency I had been operating under my whole life due to growing up with a mom with narcissistic tendencies. It is remarkable how much I have grown and changed. I have disengaged emotionally from my husband and started to draw some boundaries and am even able to hold firm to them when he throws his tantrums and tells me how selfish and wrong I am. His bullying, fear, and guilt tactics no longer work on me. I stay emotionally flat, he no longer has the ability to rile me up so that he can say I am the problem. God gave me my power and agency back.
Besides the comparison struggle I sometimes face, I also have 2 small children to consider and they are my priority. I vacillate between knowing I need to go because this is a terrible example of “love” for them to see… but I also want to be with them daily and I don’t want to only see them a few days a week. One of the biggest issues is that my husband puts our 6 year old daughter in the role of a spouse and has always treated her so much better than me. How confusing that must be to her. She is watching how he treats ME to understand how a husband should treat a wife and I don’t want to model this to her or pass down these unhealthy generational curses. Everything is a competition for her attention. She openly prefers me to him and it makes him angry. Instead of being grateful his kids have such a good mom and building me up for that, he gets upset that I’m “winning” and he isn’t. This is also so unhealthy and toxic for my kids but part of me also doesn’t want to leave them alone with him where I am not there to mitigate his crazy emotions by explaining to my daughter she isn’t doing anything wrong and daddy’s emotions are not her responsibility.
All that to say, I am doing my work and I am holding fast to Christ which is also the biggest blessing to come out of this – a stronger and closer relationship to Christ and understanding of his love for me. Grateful for this community.
Forgot to mention … I also do brainspotting therapy (similar to EMDR) to heal my trauma which is also helping a ton. I highly recommend this and Regeneration.
I have lived with verbal and emotional abuse for 40 years. I have moved out of the bedroom. That has done wonders for me. I am now staying well and not being controlled or manipulated by him anymore. I found a new way to describe it. My heart has been battered and bruised, and no one can see a thing.
I love your description of a battered and bruised heart. That is how I feel too. Thanks for putting words to that Jane.
Hello,
Totally agree, you’re the only one who can decide if /when you should get divorced.
As far as people pleasing, this book helped me a lot. https://a.co/d/7PJECkM
I have made people and their opinions HUGE and my God small. Which breaks my heart to just write or say because that is not my heart, and I didn’t realize I was even doing this, for a long time.
In my life, the physical heals quickly, the emotional and spiritual take a long time and a lot of work, purpose.
I hear you!
All your concerns are valid!
All need prayer, He will meet you and give you clarity as you seek Him.
All Abuse is hard!
Huge hugs!
These are excellent questions to ponder. Thank you!
1. “Where do you notice that you invalidate your own experience if it’s not “as bad as” someone else’s?” ( I will think more on this..) What I came to realize through time was that I did not need to minimize my pain to act “normal.” I realized each person had their own capacity of handling things due to their unique upbringing and situation. . I had much hidden to handle. I identified that it was okay for me to be me in my particular situation, and also I recognized that I didn’t need to care about how anyone else viewed me. I was to please God to whom my situation and self were not at all hidden. I did not need to concern myself with how others viewed me.
2. “Are you able to recognize the internal lie that keeps you stuck?” I was taught boundaries were unloving., you were to love “sacrificially” like Jesus, and I misinterpreted verses like be the wife who wins her husband without speaking a word.
-LIE: I am not Jesus, God. I am a human with limited capacity.
If I don’t recognize my limits, I turn into someone I don’t want to be and definitely am not “practicing Christlikeness.” Without recognizing it, I sent mixed messages to those I cared about. Then I felt stuck because I wasn’t given care back and felt pushed away.
I’d feel stuck in a cycle , like a hamster on a wheel, I’d feel stuck being unable to care for myself because I was giving and giving to the point of exhaustion. I became unstuck as I realized God has not asked me to sacrifice myself for the whole world; He was the only human capable of that.
-LIE: boundaries are not loving (knowing what I will do and won’t do, knowing what I can and can”t do …)
I felt stuck unable to have a voice and be who I was. I was exhausting myself and would end up sending mixed messages. I was stuck allowing myself to be hurt but never voicing my own hurts or needs, I thought that was humility and being a godly wife. I realized I needed to identify my limits and clearly communicate them to become unstuck, regardless of another understanding my boundary. My boundary was for me to control myself.
-LIE: I need to love like Jesus.
I’d feel stuck right there. I knew I wasn’t capable, and sometimes I’d feel exhausted even thinking about doing it sometimes. I realized Jesus Himself said to love others AS YOU LOVE YOURSELF , I recognized I’m supposed to be loving myself. Realizing that, I became unstuck because He didn’t just say to love others . He told me to take care of myself! Experience taught me that not taking care of myself damaged me and those I cared about loving.
Thank you for sharing so much of your own struggles and giving me questions to also process through …
1. “Where do you notice that you invalidate your own experience if it’s not “as bad as” someone else’s?” Most of it is fear of man, I think others aren’t going to see my situation as “bad enough” to warrant divorce especially since my husband seems like such a good Christian guy to the outside world. It’s a HUGE decision and I know I will lose people’s respect and friendship if I choose to divorce my husband. So I need to overcome that. It’s also that I was pre-programmed from childhood to self-abandon and I struggle with low self worth so I constantly struggle to take care of me, feeling like that is selfish. Which goes with the LIE I believe that keeps me stuck – that God only wants me to suffer. That he is only concerned with my holiness and not my happiness, Also, I wonder if I am trying to take the reigns by leaving. Do I need to rest & trust in God more? I keep praying and waiting for clear direction from him. I think I heard Leslie say once, what if you already got the direction you are seeking but you just aren’t obeying it? I just get stuck in a loop of overthinking and confusion. Part of me wants to just pull the trigger and let the pieces fall where they will knowing that if it is the wring choice, God will guide me to the right path. He wont be mad at me, He loves me fiercely.
This is exactly where I am. He does not admire the growth in me, but has become more and more angry. I have now become angry that he has the control and I have allowed it. I’m not sure what to do about that???
Wow this response was SO beautifully stated! And so pertinent to my experience! Thank you thank you, Leslie! Your words of wisdom and truth are being used in powerful ways in my life and many others!! xo
I can totally relate to this situation. I am also in a situation with covert emotional abuse and neglect. It is very hard. Thank you for your wisdom Leslie. This has been very helpful!