Unconditional Love Does Not Mean Unconditional Relationship
Morning friend,
We’ve just passed a date that most women who are in destructive marriages dread. Valentine’s Day. Either they
are ignored and forgotten altogether or they are love bombed for the day, creating confusion in a woman’s heart
and mind. Does he really love me? Is he sorry now? Maybe he does really care. Remember, consistent loving
actions over time spell LOVE, not candy or flowers, candles or romance.
This week’s question:
My husband was a pastor for 15 years. When he left the ministry and started a new job, he met a young woman and befriended her. I was never comfortable with this and voiced my concerns about it. For two years, I kept discovering erased messages and months of daily calls between them, and each time I forgave the lies.
He always said it was just a co-worker and would promise the communication would be cut off. About 1.5 years ago, I found the last of his messages with her; since he obviously didn’t stop communicating, those messages were of a more romantic nature, calling her “my beautiful” and saying how he wished he could be with her at that moment.
I confronted him yet again, and he was embarrassed, apologized, and asked me to forgive him and everything that comes with being caught. I’ve continued to stay; we have a 15-year-old daughter, and though I’ve wanted to leave so many times, it’s been hard.
Having been in ministry, this felt extra hard; I never imagined this could happen to me. I don’t know what to do; the two years of his emotional affair, although he still calls it just a friendship, left me completely disconnected from him. There are a lot of issues in our relationship. He’s dismissed and invalidated my requests for details like planning dates and buying flowers. There’s been years and years of no gifts for Christmas, anniversaries, or birthdays. I’ve never felt like he wants to make me feel special. No cooked meals for me. Though he’s very nice with his words, his actions have never spoken to me of effort, and after the betrayal, I really came to feel like I didn’t have to put up with it anymore.
The problem is I’m stuck. I feel disconnected; I feel like I don’t love him anymore; there’s a lot of apathy on my part, but the thought that love is a choice, that love is not a feeling, resounds in my head all the time.
I feel I’ve tried; I’ve sought therapy; I’ve stayed; I’ve tried to voice my feelings, but I’m faced with a man who can tell me a thousand times that he loves me, yet has never gone to therapy with me, has continued to befriend other female co-workers, added them on social media, and even erased messages again because “I get too jealous” when they’re just co-workers and nothing inappropriate happens. Or a man who has left me to carry the mental load of the household, the bills, our daughter’s school, and discipline. Something in me tells me I deserve better than this, but something else tells me I need to love unconditionally, and I don’t know what to do. Please help me.
Answer: My heart goes out to you. You are not alone. Many other women feel just as you do and are as confused as you are. You’ve shared a lot of history, and I’m sure there’s more, but to simplify your struggle a bit, let’s start here. You are holding two seemingly conflicting truths, and I think that’s what’s causing much of your pain and confusion.
Truth # 1. Your husband does not love you despite what he says. Actions always speak much louder than words (Matthew 7:16; 1 John 3:18). By your own report, he doesn’t care how you feel or value what you say. He does what he wants, when he wants. He does not initiate any repair or connection. He lies to you, makes excuses, minimizes your feelings, hides his relationships with other women, and puts the bulk of home and parenting responsibilities on your shoulders to carry.
Truth # 2. Regardless of what he does or doesn’t do, as a Christian wife, you are called to love him unconditionally even when you feel dead (or furious) inside.
Can you feel the tension inside? It’s awful. Let me share with you where I think you might be confused and how you can break free.
It’s true, if you desire to be a follower of Jesus your life is to reflect Christ’s character. He tells us to love one another as he has loved us (John 13:34, 35). But he goes even further. Jesus says we’re to love our enemies. (Matthew 5:44). That’s a tough command. But let’s look at what Biblical love is and does.
Biblical love is not a feeling, or you couldn’t do it unconditionally or for someone who has harmed you (enemy). Biblical love is action directed in another’s best and highest “good”. God loves us and because he loves us, Jesus died for us on a cross (actions directed for our good, not feelings of affection).
Loving an enemy might include telling the truth, exposing deeds of darkness (Ephesians 5:11), calling the police and pressing charges against someone who has harmed you. This is done for their highest good. To hopefully show them (by your actions) that their behaviors are wrong and cannot continue without consequences.
One of the main reasons I believe Jesus calls us to love others, especially our enemy is so that we don’t get filled up with resentment and hatred (like you might be experiencing right now). God cares about your mental, emotional, and spiritual health. Paul reminds us, “Do not be overcome with evil, but overcome evil with good.” (Romans 12:21). We do not want to be filled up with toxic hate or resentment because of how someone else treats us.
But the next question for you to wrestle with is how have you been trying to love your husband? Have you believed that biblically loving him means you must like him, feel affection, or trust him? Does it mean that you must go along with what he wants or says even if you know he’s lying?
Do you believe unconditional love requires that you have no boundaries, or consequences for his harmful actions towards you? Do you believe biblically loving your husband requires you to continue to have a relationship with someone who behaves more like an enemy? Or continue to share your body or bank account? No! No! No! Jesus didn’t do that and he doesn’t ask that of his followers either.
To sum up: biblically we are called to unconditional love. John 3:16 says that God so loved the world. The whole world, not just good people. Yet at the end of that same chapter, it says, “Anyone who believes in God’s Son has eternal life (a relationship with God). And anyone who doesn’t obey the Son will NEVER EXPERIENCE eternal life, (no relationship with God), but remains under God’s angry judgment (John 3:36).
So, for you right now, think of some ways you could unconditionally love your husband biblically. The bible teaches us that this is your unique role as his helpmate. You, as his strong “Ezer”, are uniquely positioned by God himself to speak the truth “in love” when he’s living a duplicitous life. To courageously have boundaries and, when needed, to put consequences in place so that he understands that unconditional love does not entitle him to unconditional trust or unconditional relationship.
Friend, unconditional love never means staying silent or compliant when someone you once trusted continues to lie to you. It doesn’t mean you put up with continued mistreatment in a sacrificial way. Rather you name it for what it is, even if it’s only for your own clarity. Unconditional love doesn’t mean you keep carrying the burden to hold everything together as the “hero” of the family while he is out acting like a single man. Friend, that only enables his sinful self-deception to flourish without consequence. How does that help him? It doesn’t. Nor does it help you or your marriage.
Therefore, ask yourself this question: What do I need so I can become strong enough to lovingly say, “I’m not pretending anymore. I (unconditionally) love you too much to collude with your delusion that you’re not lying to me or to yourself and that our marriage or family life honors God. It does not.”
And… what will be your next step if he refuses to listen? Does not repent or change?
As you take these steps forward, now your two truths – are aligned. You are no longer trying to pretend things are fine when they are not fine or feeling pressure or guilty to feel feelings that are not there. You can unconditionally love your husband while speaking hard truth to him. That IS the most loving thing you can do for him now.
Remember, the Bible tells us, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend” (Proverbs 27:6). But to have this tough conversation well, with love, Jesus does warn us to do our own work too (Matthew 7:3-5). You may feel too hurt, too angry, or too tired to have this new kind of conversation right now.
These are big steps for you to change directions here. But continuing the way you’ve been, isn’t working. You feel it. You know it. It’s time.
Therefore, the first step I’d strongly encourage you take is to join our upcoming Walking in Core Strength coaching group starting in a few weeks. Inside you will get the support, care, and coaching you need to make these scary changes.
Friend, how have you misunderstood unconditional love in the unhealthy or toxic relationships you’ve experienced. What has that cost you?
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I relate to this exactly, as I was married for 40 years to a pastor. Although I filed for divorce one day after our 40th anniversary, it’s been hard to continue to let go while seeing him with our children and grandchildren. Healing is hard work. I still feel shame and like damaged goods most days. Leslie, thank you for sharing this story and for your kind words. It helps to know that I’m not alone.
My heart goes out to you Brenda.
I really don’t understand . I suppose Spiritual Warfare- and the Enemy are claiming so many long lasting relationships.
My husband of 49 years, both born and raised Christians, now – separated. The emotional affair had been going on for 2 years, calling it a deep friendship….
He left without warning, after telling me of his betrayal in September. Ladies, we need to don the full Armor of God and stand ready for battle! I have 3 kids and spouses and 8 young grandchildren, that I will not lose because of my husband’s sinful choices!
Thank you Leslie for your wise counsel. .
I personally know 2 other couples right now in addition to usc
Thank you, Tina, for the cry to put on our spiritual armor. We are not in the comfort zone, but in the war zone. We need to keep our armor in good repair and on us at all times. The enemy prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour and he is finding many who have taken off their armor and succombed to his enticements.
Thank you for your comment. I also am/was (?) a pastors wife – married for 48 yrs and I also deal with shame and guilt. Should I have ignored his behavior for the sake of the gospel? The story is still being written.
God never ignores behavior. Read the Old Testament, especially the prophets.
I want to say thank you too to Leslie and your coaches. I appreciate all of you, your wisdom and help. Gof. Less you, Julie
My ex-husband/former Pastor exhibited much of the same behavior. He was getting the best of both worlds…a wife to take care of him and his church image, and female ‘friends’ to make him feel good about himself. Eventually the, “I’m not doing anything wrong” and “They’re just friends” turned into an affair. He left to live with the affair partner for a year and then returned to me because I was actively loving him unconditionally even from afar. I was thrilled when he came home because of my ‘unconditional love’, but he had not changed. We had fun at first, but he was still disconnected and passive in our relationship. After six months I was exhausted holding up the whole marriage…he couldn’t handle me asking him to be a partner, so once again he left. Several months later, I met him in a park, handed him a note and told him the best way I could love him was to let him go. I truly felt and still feel this way. My act of love was putting him in God’s hands.
I am so sorry that you are hurting. I understand your pain and confusion that dwells in you fighting to know what is “right” in the eyes of God. God loves you. He wants you safe. Leslie’s coaching is very powerful because she relies on the TRUTH of who God is and what He calls us to. If you can participate, I encourage you to do so. It is worth much more than it costs. Your care is priceless. You will grow in God’s strength and begin to see clearly. The emotional abuse you have been in has muddied the waters and you are struggling to just survive. You can be whole again! Healing is possible in Jesus. Leslie and her coaches are exceptional at understanding and caring first and then teaching, guiding, and modeling how to be who God calls you to be whether it means staying and being strong and well or leaving and being strong and well. Please fight for yourself as much as Christ has fought for you at the cross. Praying for you now!
Sandy, this is such a beautiful message. Thank you for speaking LIFE into this woman’s heart. 🙂
This post was written for me. My husband had such a duplicitous life (alcohol, weed, dirty friends, lots of partying,,,,and I think an emotional affair since he had so many female friends texting him at all hours…but always denied a physical affair)- yet he was a Sunday school teacher and so charming to everyone outside of the home. Mean and selfish always at home. This post really spoke to me. I’m praying he signs the divorce papers today, after almost 36 years of marriage.
My question is, how do I relate this way with my children? I left their dad over 30 years ago after 25 years of marriage, was a single mom of the 5 still at home for 8 years, then married another emotional abuser (I thought this was rare, but no).
My first h still abuses via the children, ruining my reputation among friends and family, and occasionally trying to get me on the phone to push my buttons and then when I hang up, whining to the kids and everyone that I still won’t talk to him, so see, it was all me, if only I would have talked, all would have been well. He tells them to respect their mother, which impresses them, so I’m treated with polite condescension. The abuse was always cleverly hidden from them and made to appear as though I was the abuser and yes, in my belief in submission I went along with that.
The normal advice is to keep loving them and one day they’ll come around and see it. They don’t. I finally told my oldest the truth because he’d read a few books by Christian abused women and seemed to get it. His reply was that he needs to honour both parents, forgive, and he doesn’t want his kids to know anything. He wants a relationship with both parents. I get that, but I’m tired of living a lie and hate the respect theyve learned from the one person who disrespects me more than anyone. Now they disrespect me for speaking up. And, they don’t believe it.
How do I live in truth?
I’m thinking of writing a book called Duct Tape on My Mouth.
“Once there was a woman who was walking often from Jerusalem to Jericho at the command of her husband. On the,way, she was assaulted and left wounded and bleeding, with duct tape on her mouth. Passing by were a priest, a Levite, and family and friends. They did not stop to help because they were going to a party put on by her husband. Occasionally they would hear her try to say something which sounded like her husband’s name, but that couldn’t be true, and of course they all knew she was a little, you know, um… so they would put another layer of duct tape on her mouth and hurry on, mumbling about how foolish she was to keep walking there, and what did she do to provoke this. Deep down they knew it was true but it was more comfortable to keep the secrets, and they were also intimidated and deceived by him to help him keep his mask in place and be sure he was never held accountable. They believed that was honouring to him.
Great story, Connie! Go ahead and write the rest. It speaks for many women.
This is so helpful. I would add that even if he starts saying he’s going to change and do “his work”, that alone does not mean you need to stay in proximity to him or in relationship with him, particularly if there are issues of safety involved. May we not stay trapped just because someone says things will be different but their patterns of behavior show things are still destructive.
This has been my marriage for 17 years. I am done pretending everything is ok. My husband is almost 60 and seeks after young women to boost his ego. Well thats the lies he tell. I have found messages phone calls confirming his bad behavior. I will put him out and then let him come home for primary financial reasons. Now I have had enough after his latest incident with a grocery store clerk that pole dances online for money. I am securing my future. Like other men mentioned here, he always denied sex, claims it was only conversation but he is a liar.
I am no longer fearful of a future without a crook and liar. I am battling anger, resentment and retaliation. But looking at a person that is destroying themselves and seem unaware gives me pause as God will repay. I see destruction on him. I am moving in a new direction and the day of freedom will come. He asks for another chance, but all his effort is towards whores in the streets. I have removed him from the bedroom and sex is off the table. A man that can ask a woman he met 2 days ago for sex is a despicable man. I am disgusted by him. Repulsed. Ladies if you ask God to help you leave, he will. If you ask God for strength, he will give you strength. Just follow God and sometimes you leave while he is still in the home. Piece by piece you disconnect from him until the day comes when the last thing to do is divorce. So prepare. Prepare your heart. Prepare your finances. Prepare for life on the other side of heartbreak, trauma and betrayl. What is the best that can happen? Write a new story for your life