Topic: Setting Boundaries
Hello Everyone,
This week has been a busy week working on a chapter for a book tentatively titled, Transformative Spiritual Interventions in Christian Counseling and Caregiving. I am just one of the contributors but I covet your prayers as I finish up this week writing this chapter on using The TRUTH Principle as a model of counseling.
This week on my Facebook Fan Page I asked people, “What is the single most important question you face when dealing with a difficult/destructive relationship?”
I’d love to hear from you as well. I’m going to be starting a new book (I hope) on The Emotionally Destructive Marriage. I feel that more needs to be said both to the victims, victimizer and church on this issue than I was able to say within the pages of The Emotionally Destructive Relationship.
If you were to buy a book on this topic from a biblical perspective, what would you like to see addressed and answered?
Today I’m talking about boundaries. I’ve included a video clip about setting boundaries in general – both the wisdom of when you need to set boundaries and the skill of how to set them.
Let me know if you’re finding the video versus writing helpful.
Love you all.
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Since you asked: A written format is much better for me. Archaic computer equipment here!
How do you let the dream die? I have trouble accepting that it's really not going to just get better. That who he is during the honeymoon phase is never really going to be who he is. I've come to realize that I don't actually love God and His kingdom as much as I love my own idealized marriage that exists predominantly in my head. But it's rooted in the idea that if I can just be good enough, someone (my parents, my husband, God) will love me. I am beginning to know (still more cerebrally than practically) that God loves me, but I often don't _feel_ that He loves me. I don't know what it looks like to accept that my reality is as it is without simply being resigned and hardening my heart a little. I don't know how to be where I am and I feel crazy more often than not. If what I want (which are not bad things, just things that I've allowed to be ruling things and things that are not likely to be restored to me) is not what I can have, how do I learn to be content with something I feel will be lesser even if my mind can give lip service to the idea that my lesser may be God's greater?
To answer your question concerning your forthcoming book, I would like to see you address the topic of bigamy. After fourteen years of marriage I annuled my marriage in the fall of 2008 for this reason. God has led me to great resources for healing. I received support through DivorceCare emails for the first two years and am currently a regular blogger on Dee Brestin's blog. God used your book to help me face the reality that I was living a hypocritical life, pretending that everything was great while emotional abuse was slowly draining the life out of me. One particular Sunday in Jan 2008 after my pastor preached a sermon on Hagar I got up and confessed to the congregation I was living as a hypocrite and shared with them that I was living with an abusive husband. It was just months after that I found out he was still legally married to another woman. I have yet to hear anyone in the Christian community address this topic. If you do decide to address this topic it would be my pleasure to share my story with you.
I like the video format. Thank you!
Letting the dream die is an important part of getting healthy and facing reality. I definitely will be including a chapter on it.
Regarding Bigamy. Apparently you did not know about this for your entire marriage. How do you think it contributed to the destructiveness of the marriage? Glad you're connected with Dee. She's a dear.
One more thing regarding the bigamy. The real issue here is the deceit. That's why in my book The Emotionally Destructive Relationship I talk about deceit being very destructive to a person and a relationship. You don't know who the person is and trust is broken.
I would ask that you address the topic of sexual abuse in marriage. So many people don't think it happens or that if it does happen,it can't be a violation of boundaries since sex belongs to marriage.
Thank you for all the work you have done. I appreciate your blog and your books.
I would love to have a chapter on the practical ways a wife can cope with a husband who appears to have a personality disorder. My husband can be absolutely wonderful, loving and supportive one day (or miniute) and turn jealous, accusing me of cheating on him, spys on me, and in general thinks that everyone is out to "get" him or hurt him. Then, he will switch back to the wonderful man again. It feels so crazy. Normal boundaries don't really work very well as he is so suspicious so much of the time. If there is any practical help you can give I would so appreciate it!!
Leslie, I would like to see you write a book on how to pick healthy people (or a marriage partner). Maybe this would be for a future book. It is a common theme in life and on this blog regarding how many years women have been "hanging in there" with abusers. It would be very fruitful to teach women how to pick better partners and provide the examples of red flags to look for. I hate to see so many women wasting years of their lives hanging on to relationships with people who will very likely never change.
I wonder why it’s so hard to see ourelevss as we really are the good as well as the bad. I recently lost 40#’s thru diet and exercise. I even did a half marathon. I’ve gotten rid of alot of clothes but I’m still wearing things too baggy. I was thinking that I looked great in a pair of brown suede pants and someone mentioned my baggy pants. They were trying to pay me a compliment. When I got home, I looked in the mirror really looked. Then I grabbed the side of my pants and my jaw almost hit the floor. They were HUGE in the rear. I never noticed. Now my favorite pants that have only been worn 3-4 times are being sent to Goodwill.[]Leslie Reply:November 5th, 2010 at 9:02 pmLorie,Wow! That is a lot of weight to lose. It sounds like you are staying healthy and did a lifestyle change so you will keep it off.I’m a serious exerciser too, just haven’t done a half marathon yet. Maybe you are convincing me, LOL!Baggy clothes make you look sloppy and heavy (not good after all that hard work of yours) take them out or throw them out, LOL!There is nothing like the truth of a full-length mirror. It’s something too many women avoid I’m afraid.[]