Topic: My husband’s a sex addict and chronic liar. How do I tell our mutual church friends why I’m divorcing him.
Happy Fourth of July Everyone,
I hope you are enjoying your long weekend. I did. This has been one of the most relaxing summers I’ve had in a while. No deadlines looming and it’s a nice break. I’ve got some exciting news I want to share with you but am going to wait until the final details are ironed out. Hopefully I’ll be able to tell you all about it next week but please pray that it comes together.
Today’s Question: I’m married 25 years to my high school sweetheart. Two kids, daughter age 20, son age 12. I thought we had a fantastic marriage, with just the usual ups and downs and stresses that all families face. Before we got married, I knew my husband had a temper. He's always been quick to judge others. Our daughter, who just turned 20, and I have talked often about how he has a double standard…..”do as I say, not as I do”… and certainly don't call him on what he does wrong. His abuse over the years has been verbal…belittling, demeaning, controlling, yelling. But that's not something a “good Christian” divorces over……so I thought I'd just live with it.
My husband seemed to go through these cycles of anger. He'd get angry at something, I'd have to pry out of him what was wrong, usually something I did (house isn't clean, laundry's not done, I don't cook enough, not enough sex). I'd straighten up and do better, and he'd treat me better. But 3 years ago, I found something that changed everything. He was mad at me, but all those checklist items that he normally accused me of were clearly not the problem at the time. So I got suspicious. It was then that I found out he was cheating on me.
Over the next 18 months, both of us in counseling, him for sexual addiction…I found out, in little drips and drabs that he had been with more than a dozen women, mostly one night hookups, ever since about our 3rd year of marriage! He had been able to keep these lies a secret for more than 20 years! And I didn't know.
I finally asked him to move out of the house and I started divorce proceedings a year ago. But the attorney’s became so expensive; he convinced me that we could “work out” a settlement without paying attorneys. I agreed, and we put a settlement in writing….which he refused to sign because “my word is good, I'll take care of you”.
He truly hopes our marriage will be restored in time, reminding me often that I am his wife and we are only separated. A year later, after watching him closely, he continues to lie…..has continued to cheat, blaming the addiction. His finances are nothing but lies, and he has recently decided to not honor a key part of our verbal settlement agreement. I have a new appointment with my attorney tomorrow, to resume divorce proceedings.
Outward appearances, he is charming, funny, helpful to anyone who asks, giving, hardworking….a great guy! We have been going to the same church since we were in elementary school…..we have the same friends. His “story” to those he tells is that he “messed up big time”, and that he's working hard to restore my trust. They believe he is the good guy he portrays, still buying me flowers every week and bringing them to my workplace. He is still active in our church, acting like nothing is different.
However, I've been very, very reluctant to tell details, not wanting to put our friends in the middle, where they feel it's “he said/she said”. Which puts me in a position where I feel as though I have little support from our friends there. It's a large church, and it's not unusual for someone to come to me each Sunday and ask if he and I “will make it”. I love my friends….I love the church we go to….how do I let them understand it is so much worse than they can imagine, that it is full blown, Alice-down-the-rabbit-hole-bizarre????. Even though he's the one who cheated, I'm the one who filed for divorce….and it feels like that is what people key in on. He wants to restore the marriage, I don't think he can ever be trusted! How can I relay to friends and other church friends that with what he has done and what he continues to do, that I am doing the right thing?
Beyond that, if I feared his anger before, he is going to be beyond livid when the new papers from the attorney show up. How do I go about protecting my heart from his vindictive, acidic, 5-year-old temper tantrums? (that's what our daughter calls them) . I am afraid of what he might do.
Answer: I’m perplexed about your initial description that you thought you had a fantastic marriage with the usual ups and downs but then go on to describe years of temper tantrums, belittling, controlling behaviors and verbal abuse that were standard fare even before you found out about all the lies and sexual acting out.
You wrote, “It’s not something a good Christian divorces over…” so I thought I’d live with it. Your marriage doesn’t sound so fantastic to me, even before you discovered all the lies and affairs.
Next you indicate that your husband is a master liar. He’s been able to keep his sexual addiction a secret for more than 20 years and you had no clue. So what I want you to ask yourself is this. When he convinced you to drop your attorney and agree to a financial settlement that he refused to sign because “my word is good” why would you believe that? His word has been anything but good.
Now a year later you continue to catch him in deceit and affairs and yet he’s telling everyone that although he’s messed up big time, he’s working hard to restore your trust. What exactly is he doing to restore your trust? Buying flowers doesn’t restore trust. Telling the truth, being accountable and keeping one’s word does. From what you have written, there is none of that.
So you have some tough choices to make but ones based on the evidence before you. From what you say, there is no evidence that your husband is repentant or working on changing his ways. Charm is deceitful and your husband oozes charm, but he’s lacking godly character.
Does your pastor know what’s going on? I know you are reluctant to tell your “story” to all of your mutual friends and I affirm your desire to not to put them in the middle but at the very least, your pastor needs to know the full story so that he can support you and as the shepherd of the flock, hold your husband accountable if he is actively involved in his church. Your pastor not only needs to know about the sexual addiction, but also the years of deceit, continued deceit and abusive behaviors.
I also think that you might need to sit down with your pastor either together or separately and work out a plan of what you are going to tell your mutual friends. Although he’s admitted messing up big time, he’s still being deceitful when he says “he’s working hard to restore your trust.” I think it would be more honest to say “I’ve messed up big time” and for you to say, “I don’t think that trust can be restored.”
You’ve decided to re-file the divorce papers. As you take this step you will need to accept that you will never receive everyone’s support. Some people will understand, other’s will not. It’s important as you take this step that you have a clear conscious and are sure of God’s leading. Also ask your church leaders (and their wives) to stand with you and affirm that you indeed have Biblical grounds for divorce (as you do). Without having to give all the details to all of your friends, the leadership support would be a big help with your Christian community.
Lastly you asked how you can protect your heart from his vindictive tantrums. Probably the best way is to limit your contact with him. I would encourage you to put up some really firm boundaries right now. For example, no phone calls. No personal contact. E-mails only (so you have everything in writing) or communicating through your attorneys.
One more thing. He will not like your strength as he’s used to manipulating and controlling what you do and how you think. If you don’t feel strong enough to be firm, surround yourself with some strong female friends who will help you stick to your resolve. He’s a sweet talker and seems good at convincing you that his lies are true.
Finally, remember that his tantrums and what he says and does is not about you and what you have done or haven’t done. Bottom line is that his actions and attitudes show you where his heart is. Jesus reminds us that it is “Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks” (Luke 6:46). When someone’s about to vomit all over us, we don’t ask ourselves why they are doing that, we just get out of their way.
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Thanks Leslie for replying to my question. You question my initial description of my marriage as fantastic. The only thing I can say is at the time, I thought it was fairly normal, and that I deserved any harsh treatment. After all, he loved me and just wanted to push me to be all that I could be. And he would treat with with great fun, nice dinners, etc. It's only after reading your book and others that I began to understand the emotional/verbal l abuse I accepted was just that……abusive. It's a new concept for me, but one that I'm learning more about. I never considered myself as an abused wife.
I appreciate your advice…..my pastor is aware of much that is going on, but it would be encouraging to sit with him and know he and the church leaders support my decision. And I truly believe this IS the right decision…..he's had ample time to prove that he can/will change, and he hasn't.
For me, it takes a while for new ideas to sink in, to percolate a while, and then understanding follows. It's a new idea for me to limit my contact with him, to not talk to him (he had always been my closest confidant), to have no personal contact. But you are the second person in a counseling position to tell me I need to limit contact. You are so right. I'm still so easily influenced by him. I'm stronger than I was, but I'm still not strong enough. But I'm learning.
And I love the last paragraph. I think I'll post it on my desk so I can see it throughout my day. Thank you so much.
Leslie, your answer is right on and I pray that the one that wrote the question will take head. We will as Christians get healthy when we start remembering who we are in Christ- 2 Peter 2:9 says we are a chosen people ,a royal priesthood, belonging to God. Bath yourself in what God says about your self worth and you will be able to live a confident life that not only pleases God but truly gives you joy.