Topic: My Husband is Attracted to my Girlfriend
Good morning friends,
I am so excited to roll out my new website to you in a few weeks. We’ve been working hard to get the pieces in place. It will be refreshed and easy to use, and this blog will move over and be directly on the site. When you sign up for my newsletter, you will also get a very special free gift. Speaking of my newsletter, Tuesday is newsletter day and the topic is Nine (9) tactics of the Manipulator. You won’t want to miss it. If you’re not currently signed up to receive it, go to my current website at www.leslievernick.com and sign up. Part two, How to Counter the Manipulator’s Tactics, will come later in July. When the new site is launched, I will ask you to go back and resign up – and then get the free gift. We are changing who sends out the newsletter which is why we’re going to ask you to resign up on the new hosting site.
Thank you for your continued prayers for my new book on destructive marriages. I feel God’s hand giving me wisdom and courage, and I’m bolder than I ever have been in the past. The editors may change some things around, but I don’t want to tip toe around the issue. Please continue to pray for me. It’s a long process.
Question: I have been married for 9 years and recently found out that my husband was pursuing one of my friends from church. He told her how he felt and that he was attracted to her. This went on for about 8 months before I found out.
From my understanding, nothing happened, but there were two incidents that alarmed her and she felt like I needed to know. However, I don’t know if I feel comfortable going to the same church with her knowing that my husband is attracted to her.
I don’t trust my husband and I really never have because he was unfaithful to me during our high school years. My husband doesn’t regularly go to church, but when he wants to come now, I don’t want him to because I think it’s only to see my friend. He doesn’t think he did anything wrong.
How can I deal with this in a godly manner? I don’t want to leave my church, but I don’t know if I can deal with us and her both being there? I love having her as a friend, and he’s my husband. What can I do? Please help?
Answer: Your husband has put you in a very awkward position. Your biggest problem is in your marriage, not with your girlfriend. It sounds like she was a good friend and she regretted having to tell you of your husband’s inappropriate behavior.
You may decide to change churches so that you aren’t tempted with anxiety every time you see your friend and your husband isn’t tempted with lustful feelings; however, it’s a short-term fix because you can’t control your husband’s heart.
First, let me just say that if we were totally honest, many of us would admit that sometimes we’re physically and/or emotionally attracted to people who are not our mates. But most people who feel that way don’t share those attractions or act on them because we love our spouse and don’t want to hurt them or dishonor God. Instead, we pray hard and ask God to take those feelings away. We also work harder to rekindle our marriage and the loving emotions associated with our mate.
Your husband did not do that and, furthermore, sees nothing really wrong with his behavior even though it hurt you and it bothered your friend. Your problem now is how do you live in a godly way in a marriage with a man you don’t trust and who doesn’t exhibit a strong commitment to you or your marriage?
I love the description of a godly woman in Proverbs 31. One of the things it says is that she brings her husband good not harm all the days of her life. That doesn’t require that you trust him or do whatever he wants, but it does mean that you love him with God’s love. What would that look like in this case? What is in your husband’s best interests?
First, it is in his absolute best interests for him to come to Christ. It would also be good for him to recognize his foolish and immature ways. It would be good for him to rekindle his relationship with you and build a strong and loving marriage for your children to be raised.
Although you cannot change your husband, you CAN strongly influence him for good or for evil. Wives are encouraged in 1 Peter 3, even if their husband isn’t a believer, that by their wife’s godly behavior he can be won to Christ. I think many times we blow these moments because we are so angry (rightly so) that we don’t think through the powerful opportunity we have to show them what Jesus is like.
So, let me give you some ideas of what specifically you might do in this instance. You can refrain from harsh criticism and sarcastic put downs that he may deserve right now, but that won’t influence him towards Christ nor towards you but close him down and turn him away. You can pray that God shows him his sin and that God helps him want to be a man who loves God and loves his family. You can speak the truth in love to him, not pretend everything is just fine, nor verbally vomit when you are upset with the memory of what he has done.
You can try to initiate fun things to do together to rebuild your marriage. You can try to be easy to talk to and work on being a good listener so that he wants to open up and talk with you. If he continues to disrespect you or your marriage vows, you can set very clear boundaries that his behavior is unacceptable and that, although you want your marriage to work, you do not want to be married to someone who lies to you or betrays you. You can find some wise and godly people you can talk to and who can pray for you because these things are not easy to do when you are mad and hurt.
I find that women who can act in a godly way when their husband sins against them have the best shot at influencing their husband to see Jesus and his grace in a real way. That is your hope and God’s will for your husband’s life. Satan has already influenced your husband’s mind and heart; don’t let him influence yours too.
My book, How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong, will give you many more practical suggestions on how to respond instead of react, how to overcome evil with good, how to love in godly ways, how to implement the gift of consequences when someone repeatedly refuses to change sinful behavior and the benefits to you of learning such difficult lessons. My heart goes out to you. This is not easy, but I promise you that if you learn how to act right to his wrong, you will be blessed.
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It comes as a shock, a devastating shock, when we are told or discover in some way that our spouse has done the unthinkable behind our backs. As painful as it is, her friend did her a kind favor. There is no other way to deal with improper behavior than to shed light on the truth and hold people responsible for their actions. When there is a third party involved it is difficult for the guilty to spin the issue.
Leslie you wrote: Monday, June 25, 2012
“You don’t say whether or not your husband claims to be a believer, but you may need to enlist the help of your pastor to confront your husband. Matthew 18:15 says, “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.””
Exactly!!!
Protect, support and believe the victim(s) and hold the offender responsible in front of peer(s). In general the leaders of the Christian churches are not teaching and following God’s instructions on this issue. Abuse is kept secret, in the darkness and swept under the carpet. This is a big reason for the decline of the church.
This leads me to another thought. There are some abusers who have deeply ingrained and rigid issues with character flaws that they should be looked upon through a different frame of thought. If for nothing else than for our own safety. The diabolical and sadistic abuse stories that are leaking out are pure evil!
We’ve been warned to beware of the wolf in sheep’s clothing. If we become so naive that we believe that all people have good in their heart then we have been led astray. We have to be on the watch for the reds flags and protect ourselves emotionally by setting firm boundaries.
All people are not good/bad, there are some mingling in the crowds that are pure evil.
In addition to my last comment > Anonymous said…July 11, 2012 11:31 AM
I want to add two short, although incomplete lists to ponder.
RED FLAGS:
-inability to really love and take care of others
-poor impulse control, impulsive behavior
-extremely low agreeableness
-cunning and manipulative
-lack of moral emotions- embarrassment, guilt and particularly shame
-boastful and arrogant
-greedy and exploitive
-oppositional and combative
-callous and ruthless
-lacks interpersonal warmth
-undependable
-unethical
SEEK OUT LOVING PEOPLE:
-Love people who are warm and have a track record of self-sacrifice for others.
-Trust only those who can control their own impulses.
-Admire only those who experience embarrassment, guilt and shame.
-Depend only on those who are dependable.
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